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Original poster

Do i call the midwife of a family member?

65 replies

MMOB · 19/01/2015 11:16

I am really confused and just want some advice! Here are some facts so I don’t drip feed:
A family member of mine is married into the forces. He is based away from their home town, so they live away. As a result, her support network is very limited. I don’t think her DH is very supportive.
She also, I think suffers from depression and anxiety, as well as I think, is a little preoccupied with her weight. This is historical and has been the case for years.

She is coming up to the last few weeks of her pregnancy with DC2. She has been extremely low throughout her pregnancy, especially of late, for example her whole facebook feed is just screaming out of low mood/depression/anxiety.

I am really worried about her. Have suggested she speaks to her midwife, but she brushes it off. I don’t speak to her often as we both have kids and life just gets in the way.
If she lived in the same town as me, I would make the time to meet with her on a regular basis, pop in and help out when DC2 arrives.
I am stuck with what to do- I have been contemplating calling her midwife. I realise midwife won’t speak to me about my family member, but I want to flag her very low mood – I only want to do this to make sure she is able to get the support she needs. I think she had undiagnosed PND with DC1 and I think she is showing many signs now. I am thinking of doing this anonymously but I don’t know why.
Do I need to mind my own business? I am just really worried about her – I don’t know what else to do. I cant talk to her DH – he is a prized $%^&!

OP posts:
Tanith · 19/01/2015 12:24

I would do it.

There is such a thing as pre-natal depression. My friend had it and killed herself and the baby at 7 months pregnant.

Post-natal depression has only been taken seriously relatively recently. One day, we might take pre-natal depression just as seriously.

Meechimoo · 19/01/2015 12:24

I don't think you can judge her mood from Facebook. I have several facebook friends who are moody and full of misery on Facebook but cheerful popular people in real life. And the most suzy sunshine types often use this breezy happy facade to disguise problems and depressions

Original poster
MMOB · 19/01/2015 12:24

I do speak/text her - not as often as I would like - but that's my own fault.

I am not a trained medical professional - therefore I cannot say she definitely suffers from anxiety/depression but I have seen many of the red flags.

wishmiplass - that is all I would like as the outcome, for her to be monitored. For her to be more aware of any local support available to her. Possibly for her MW to probe a little further when asking how she is. I guess to know someone is there who can keep an eye out because I cant.

This is all because I care about her a lot. not to be unkind, to shit stir or anything else/

I really don't know how she would react - given the way she has been recently she would see it as an interference, as opposed to help. The MW doesn't even need to say I have raised a concern.

Primary teach 87 - I wouldn't contact anyone in the forces. IMO this is an issue for her midwife.

OP posts:
Guyropes · 19/01/2015 12:28

You've said her antenatal care has not been the best so far, so why do you think talking to the midwife will result in anything helpful? The mh questions the midwife asks are easily fobbed off by someone who doesn't want to be open about their state of mind because they feel the stigma if a mental Health diagnosis would be so awful. The midwife can only give support if the patient Is open about their state of mind. Unfortunately, if the whole wider family have no awareness of mental health and are overcome by the stigma of it, there's little you personally can do to battle it.

wishmiplass · 19/01/2015 12:28

Hmm. I don't think reporting concerns is the same as telling tales!

I didn't feel that my MW was just ticking boxes - perhaps I was watched more having had previous?

I guess the OP will make the decision for herself. I just know that seeking support isn't always that straightfoward for some.

Mrsjayy · 19/01/2015 12:28

I do not think you are a busy body you are worried and concerned but not a busy bosy . If you contact her midwife what can they do speak to her she brushes it off as nothing she is fine then gets a bit brisk with the mw for interfering still covering any depression or MH problems you can take a horse to water but you can't make it drink and all that. You could contact the mw but you could email text phone message her for a chat let her moan on Facebook if people are attention seeking like that then they need it be her friend.

Mrsjayy · 19/01/2015 12:29

Busy body*

Mrsjayy · 19/01/2015 12:33

How would you know who her midwife is anyway?

TheFairyCaravan · 19/01/2015 12:42

My DH is in the RAF, I didn't "marry in to the Forces" I married a man in the Forces. The phrase you used infuriates the hell out of me, you wouldn't say "she married into ....." anything else.

Everything you say is what you think, you have no proof and I would be livid if you did this to me. If you do do it, you have to be prepared for it to go tits up and for her never to talk to you again. You have stated you don't like her DH, so what? You don't have to live with him!

Being married to a man in the Forces is different to life in civvy street. I don't know why you think her DH isn't supportive, but if he is told he has to work late, he has to. If he is told he has to do something, the answer is always yes. There is a very good support network for wives, husbands and partners of those in the Forces, she might not have her family there, or her childhood friends, but there are lots of other things going on that she can reach out too. All the spouses are in the same boat, my family are 200 miles away.

Maybe she is just a bit pissed off. You know, she is heavily pregnant, already has one child, a husband who has a demanding job and a family who don't contact her and support her as often as they should! I would 100% get my facts completely straight before I opened up a massive can of worms, if I were you!

PuppetPeppa · 19/01/2015 12:42

I think that you need to pick up the phone to her or visit before you can decide how she is tbh.

Original poster
MMOB · 19/01/2015 12:44

Thank you everyone. Il try and make sure I keep more contact and monitor that way.
I won't contact the midwife I'll leave it for now.

OP posts:
Original poster
MMOB · 19/01/2015 12:46

Sorry Blush I thought married into the forces was a phrase! I didn't mean it to cause offence at all.

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 19/01/2015 12:55

Assuming your friend is a functioning adult exhibiting no child protection issues and has not asked for help or stated she has an issue,who the hell do you think you are to go behind her back gossiping to a midwife?

Your friend has the right to decide if she accesses support and intervention or not.

Original poster
MMOB · 19/01/2015 13:02

Ok - thanks for the flaming!

I see so often threads about how mental health need to be talked about, how people need support etc and this thread shows the opposite.

For the record. I wouldn't be telling tales. I would have simply have stated I had a concern. Possibly asked for advice on what I could do to help.

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 19/01/2015 13:10

For crying out loud if that's your intention then directly ask your friend express your concerns to her then listen to her response.

If her response is yep I have a problem then ask her if she would like support to get medical assistance if yes support her if not encourage her to seek assistance herself.

That's what friends do.

cestlavielife · 19/01/2015 13:17

if you have a genuine concern you can speak to your gp and tell them the evidence of your concerns. they can decide what to do with that information. they cant tell you anything about the person concerned of course due to confidentiality.

Icimoi · 19/01/2015 13:24

Good grief, where on earth do all these aggressive posts come from? Showing ordinary human concern for and wanting to help a family member in difficulty is not being a busybody! As for people judging how much OP knows about her relative solely on the basis of the few lines here - does it occur to you that there is a background here of several years' knowledge of the individual in question which OP doesn't have to set out in massive detail?

Icimoi · 19/01/2015 13:25

Good grief, where on earth do all these aggressive posts come from? Showing ordinary human concern for and wanting to help a family member in difficulty is not being a busybody! As for people judging how much OP knows about her relative solely on the basis of the few lines here - does it occur to you that there is a background here of several years' knowledge of the individual in question which OP doesn't have to set out in massive detail?

capsium · 19/01/2015 13:33

The thing is this is a very serious decision because to do this would be assuming the person, OP is concerned about, is unable to make the decision to seek help, or not, herself. It erodes her freedoms to make decisions about her own health as it calls into question her ability to do this. In certain circumstances this would be absolutely the right thing to do - but not a decision to be taken lightly.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 19/01/2015 13:33

If she has a history of depression, her midwife should already be aware, and should be monitoring her mental state.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 19/01/2015 13:52

I honestly think the majority is wrong here and you should pass concerns on confidentially to midwife without telling family member (so as to protect your relationship). You're not doing anything save asking midwife to take a closer look at her next appt. You will be doing your family member a service if she needs help but does realise how much or know how to access it.

letsplaynice · 19/01/2015 13:54

People post these things on FB as a cry for help or attention seeking either way she needs help. Contact the midwife ask them not to mention anyone called but it'll help her know she's struggling and to know the right questions to ask

Fanfeckintastic · 19/01/2015 13:59

What sort of things does she post on Facebook that raise such alarm bells OP?

redexpat · 19/01/2015 14:03

I dont really understand why youre getting such a flaming. What do other posters think will happen? The mw will probably just spend a little longer on the mh part of the checkup and probe a little deeper. She certsinly wouldnt reveal that the op had contacted her with converns, nor that any concerns had been raised. I think you should do it.

Ivecontacted a friends hv before now, and her lovely vicar, and when i told her 2 yrs later that it eas me contavting them, she DID thank me.

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