to think teen mothers get too much stick?

[Blackout234]

I'm technically a "Teen mum" (Although im 20 in 3 weeks, so will be 20 when baby is here) but no one bats an eyelid really, my sister however is also pregnant, at 16. She has been spat at, she is frequently laughed at (Definitely at her i have witnessed it "hahaha look at Sis's name what a slut/slag/whatever"), horrible looks off strangers and people she has known, really really horrible comments off her DP's family (her and dp have been together for 3 years so its not like shes known him 5 minutes). Her DP is working full time in 2 jobs equating to about 80-90 hours a week, full time non stop with the odd day off every so often. he will be giving up the lowest paid job (Daytime job) when baby arrives but is currently using it to save up and have a "Cushion" for the first few months. i have to say they have done brilliantly, my sis has had the odd tantrum as 16 year olds do but tbf she is doing amazingly considering
just some of the comments she have had so far (Online and IRL)
"Oh look another teen whore who will be spend spend spending at the taxpayers expense"
"Ridiculous, someone tell me they've reported this slut to SS"
"hahaha she wont know shit she'll be sticking the bib on its arse and the nappy on its head, silly girl"
and the most vile so far...
"Someone kick it out of her and get her a goldfish instead" there are hundreds more but they'd take too long to write down. what i simply don't understand is why its ok to say this to a 16 year old? Or even about one? The only difference between a 16 year old FTM and a 29 year old FTM IMO is maturity, they can overcome financial problems, educational problems and other problems with support, but tell me a 29 year old FTM has never suffered in this world? If i handed a newborn baby to a childless 16 year old and then to a childless 30 year old i doubt either would have much of a clue of what to do!
On the other hand, im 19 turning 20, and for the sake of 3 years i have had nothing but well wishes and support, I really do not get it!
Also EVERYONE becomes an overbearing MIL.
16yr old sis is only 25 weeks and has had every piece of advice going rammed up her rectum and down her throat over and over, to the point she feels like screaming "YES I WILL BREASTFEED AND MY BABY WILL NEVER EAT JUNK FOOD OR WEAR ASDA CLOTHING OR EVEN SNEEZE IN THE WRONG DIRECTION AND YES I BLOODY KNOW THAT I HAVE TO USE NON BIO WASHING POWDER" (Quoted from herself) Yet no one does this to me, because im 3 years older so i automatically "Know" how to be a mum right? (erm,nope) so...
aibu to ask you why people do this? whats the problem with teenage mothers anyway? ive never met a cider drinking weed smoking pill popping pregnant 14 year old, although I read about them all the time in the daily mail!

It's not just teenagers that get judgy comments.

I'm 35 and the most common question I got when I started telling people was "was it planned?" Made me so angry. Nobodies business but mine and my partners grrrrr

OP, your sister sounds like she's probably got her head screwed on right. (I intend to buy clothes from tesco, asda, primark and charity shops btw. Nowt but the best for my bairn )

The poor soul having to deal with such horrid people. I have no wise words to help. Just that i bet they'll all be clamouring to see the wee baba when it (he or she) arrives!!

Tell her to scout out the charity shops carefully by the way - I picked up a load of Boden clothes and some Clarks shoes in our local one for practically nothing when DD2 was small

Hang on, were either you or your sisters babies planned?

People judge because it's assumed to be unplanned. And planning a baby at 16 is moronic. Therefore it's assumed people weren't careful enough with contraception I guess.

It's great that your sisters DH is stepping up, but with respect, you have no idea how he'll cope when the baby is born.

witchesglove i really don't think thats an appropriate question to ask but no neither of our babies were planned.
idontseeanysontarans- Charity shops are a godsend for both of us.

I posted this on another thread last week.
Some young mums (most) do a bloody fantastic job.
But some young mums leave baby at home with grandma (as grandma is still getting child benefit, and its free babysitting) then stay out for 3 nights, drinking, taking drugs... thats why I judge young mums, because I know TOO MANY who pile the little soul onto THEIR mothers, and can't act like a mother themselves.
I'm 19, and I wouldn't dare have a child and still live at home with my mum, there are girls who are still living with mum, no job, relying on handouts... why is that a life? how is that a life? how is that giving yourself and baby the best life possible? its sponging and I wouldn't dare put that on my mother. Thats so selfish of me to even think about doing that, so never would.

And, where's your life gone? you can't work because you have to be with baby. CONSTANTLY. the young mum I was on about who takes drugs leaves her baby for THREE DAYS at a time... that's not being a mother - how can you just leave your baby like that?

Personally, if I had a baby at 16, I wouldn't have met DP as young lads (and older men too!) don't want that responsibility of a woman with children - especially since more men don't want kids. so hard to find love. Travel is out of the window. school, university,g ood prospects, put on hold.

Like I said, there are so many REALLY amazing young mums but there are more who take the piss. and I would hate to be one - i want kids when I am in a stable relationship like the one I'm in now, in my own house, with a good job. not just putting baby on my mum/grandma, his mum etc, it's just not on. I think it's how I've been brought up.
there's a girl who was in my year in primary school. She had a baby at 17. she got pregnant a month after, then had triplets. and still lives at home. I judge. So bad. But, she's an amazing mum. so proud of her girls. but her own mums been through so much - how she puts that on her is beyond me. i can't get my head round why a person would want this. It's not giving you or baby a good life.

I am shocked at some of the nasty comments that have been directed at your DSis. Yes, of course people feel it is unwise to tart a family so young but that is no reason for such outright hostility.

One thing I did wonder about thoug. You said:
really really horrible comments off her DP's family

I wonder whether some of that is prompted by their concern about what this responsibility will do to their son's future. Was the pregnany planned?
Could they be feeling she "trapped" him? I am not saying she did but trying to imagine what it looks like from their POV.

I agree with you blackout, i think its really really shit how society treats teen mothers. They caused a moral panic a few years back, and it seems like no ones really got over that. Even though peeople are generally having children much older now than they were in the 50's! I dont think having a baby at 16 is inherently sad, i know several people who say they wouldnt be here now if they hadnt have had their children young. For some people its a really positive thing, that encourages them to think about their future for the first time.

5foot5- why is it appropriate to ask if her pregnancy was planned? i wouldnt dream of asking a 30 year old if their pregnancy was planned. it wasn't, i took her for her injections every 12 weeks, it failed, it happens.

I agree with you Blackout, the judgyness is unnecessary. My DSis had her DD at 19 - so many people told her she was ruining her life. However, nearly two years on she is half way through her degree and is a fantastic mum. I loved my early 20s and I'm glad I had my freedom, but DSis loves her DD and wouldn't dream of being without her. I think that (in most cases), people simply refuse to accept the idea that different people find happiness living their lives in different ways.

Blackout I was trying to see how this might look from the POV of her DP. I am assuming he is very young too so his parents might be worried about his situation. The reason they might be hostile could be if they feel that he has engineered in to the situation.

Clearly from your later posts they were taking precautions and were unlucky.

I am not judging your DSis I am trying to look for reasons why her DPs family have the attitude they do.

YANBU people like to judge, and people can be mean. I find it very rude when people judge others without knowing there situation.
What right has anyone got, to judge others, they have none.
I can sympathise as I was a teen mum myself. Got pregnant and had DS1 at 16. Then was pregnant with DD at 17, had her at 18. With DS2 I fell pregnant at 20, had him at 21. So I know how evil some people can be, especially the people who didn't know me or my situation.

I think your DSis gets more nasty comments because the majority of people she knows are also 16 and we all know how tactful a 16 yo can be, lol! I know people older have been nasty to her but you said most was from her peer group.

I'm a 47 yo older mother, had mine at 34 and 38, I've had comments online about being too old, no one has said it to my face, as those people can see how immature I am, lol. My own mother was 17 when she got pg with my older sister and 23 with me, she had some awful comments and has some depression because of it, she's 71 now and her and my dad have been married 53 years. If I'm half the mother and grandmother she is I'll consider myself lucky.

Tell your DSis to ignore the comments, she'll already know her situation isn't ideal but that doesn't effect her ability to be a great mother. If she's like my mum, she has 53 years (and many more to come) to spend with children that adore the bones of her.

I agree op that teen mums are unfairly treated.

I look younger than I am so even though I was in my 20s and a graduate when I had dc1 I get that look when people assume I was a teen mum. It's nasty and it lasts a lifetime, regardless of well you or your child do in life.

Biologically 19 is the best age to have a baby. It's (patriarchal) society which is set up to make it difficult for mums at that age.

The teenage pregnancy rates was actually much higher in the 1950s than now. But then they either were or got married. So it was 'respectable'.

I'm so glad women aren't forced into these shotgun weddings, or even worse, forced adoptions, anymore.

But we still have far to go in respecting teen mums for doing the best job they can, just like the rest of us.

Why can't the vitriol be turned on the teen boys who walk away from their DCs instead?

Of course there are good mothers of all ages. But you'd have to be a bit naive to submit to motherhood at 16, expecting the full support of strangers who will have borne witness to the reality of teenage parenthood.

I wonder if the "horrible" comments from the father's family are in fact just abject disappointment that he has chosen such a difficult path.

Some people are judgemental, others are just horrible. Some will judge silently (for all kinds of things) while I think others believe if they should loud enough then people will believe them and they can feel vindicated.

Your poor sister OP, I hope she is able to ignore them as best she can. I hope you are okay too and things are better.

Look for most people having a baby at 16 isn't ideal. You won't have finished education, secured a home, gained employment experience, you're unlikely to have gained much life experience and less likely to be married or in a long term, stable relationship. All of those things are likely to make parenting a hell of a lot easier.

Having said all that, I know a fair few people who've had babies very young and both mother and child have gone on to be successful in life, happy and overcome any difficulties.

Vile comments are completely unnecessary, your sister needs to learn to develop a thick skin. I was 24 when I had ds and I still felt judged at times as I wasn't married, didn't own my own home, I ended up as a single parent and comments I heard even though not necessarily aimed at me were hurtful.

Some people will always judge and people especially love to judge others parenting, and that goes for everyone.

Best advice to your sister is don't read papers like the daily mail and don't get drawn into watching programmes or reading stuff that bashes you. Concentrate on her baby, accept help when it's needed and just get on with it.

In 20 years noone will care.

Sometimes I wish I had done the mum stuff when I was 16 instead of 41. What I knew about looking after a baby (I only had one, she's 15 now) was pretty much the same at both ages.

I would have been fitter, had greater stamina, more in touch when dd got to school age too (dd keeps telling us we don't understand how things are these days) and so on.

My parents would have been younger, fitter, and so on too.

All the things I did in my 20s to further my 'career' are things I would have done if I had a child, not that I really had a career anyway. I went to Uni in my 30s, and I think that would probably have happened a lot earlier in my life if I'd been a teen mum, as I wold have had to think more seriously bout what I was doing.yes, there are things - exciting and fun things - that I'd have missed, but actually they're things that are ephemeral and which I could have had a great life without.

So actually, I don't think being a teen mum is a terrible thing. It's what you make of it.

I think the difference is that she hangs out with 16yr olds who find the idea shocking and haven't mastered the social skills around it. By 19, your peers will know some other parents in their peer group and it will seem less strange, less of a big deal.

As for strangers, how can they tell she is 16 and you 19? Does she dress differently or behave young for her age? I remember your thread about gifts you gave her and her reaction, perhaps she is defensive about the whole thing and is giving off a "what are you looking at" aggressive vibe. She shouldn't be getting these comments, of course not, I hope it all goes well for you both.

5foot5- why is it appropriate to ask if her pregnancy was planned? i wouldnt dream of asking a 30 year old if their pregnancy was planned

TBF everyone gets this question - I was 26 when I fell pregnant, had been married for 3 years (in fact we were frequently told to 'get a move on') - you'd be surprised how many people asked if it was planned! I started to be a smart arse clever with it though and say 'No, it wasn't planned, dammit I wish I wasn't pregnant! Hey ho'

I think the difference is that she hangs out with 16yr olds who find the idea shocking

I think 16 year olds finding the idea of a teenage pregnancy shocking is a good thing personally....obviously the nastiness is not a good thing.

I don't judge teen mums- I almost was one (abortion at 16). MY life would have been very different had I gone through with that pregnancy, so although I don't judge I do feel a passing sadness when I see a pregnant teen as I think of what they might not get to experience. I had my first DD at 27, in those 11 years I experienced a LOT. I passed my a-levels with AAA and got a 2:1 from Leeds Uni, I travelled all over the world and got married. I moved to London and worked in a hedgefund and had a lovely house in NWL until ExDH left. I doubt any of that would have happened had I had a baby at 16. But each to their own, everybody ahs different interests and goals. I would support my DDs with whatever they want in life but I would be slightly disappointed if they became mothers so young. I'm now 34.

From watching TV programmes on teen mum (don't know.any) the most horrible stuff seems to.come from own peer group

What is very interesting to me about this debate (as the child of a 17yr old who went on to have a very successful professional career) is that in the UK we have one of the highest average ages at first birth (29.8) and the highest number of teen pregnancies in Western Europe.

There are important class and race elements to these stats - middle class girls have abortions and working class girls have babies. Minority women (typically of Asian origin and Muslim by creed) have more babies and have them younger. It's just not as simple as this thread is making it out to be.

sister is 17 in march, im 20 in feb

I thought your sister's birthday was on the 3rd of Jan. You said it was her birthday on the thread about the baby clothes you gave her.

YANBU - it can be as much about the person as about their age.

My cousin had her son at 15. Granted she was lucky that her mum was able to help with childcare, but she took a term off school then went back, finished her GCSEs and went on to do A-levels. Whilst doing them she worked at a stable so got up at 5am every morning for work, went home and got her son up, fed and dressed for the day then went to college, came home, looked after him and studied. She managed to get a good job and has always worked her backside off for the pair them.

Ten years on she's happily married to great bloke who treats her eldest as his own and they have a lovely 1yo together.

I have got the utmost respect for what she's achieved and I'm sure she's not the only one.