to think teen mothers get too much stick?

[Blackout234]

I'm technically a "Teen mum" (Although im 20 in 3 weeks, so will be 20 when baby is here) but no one bats an eyelid really, my sister however is also pregnant, at 16. She has been spat at, she is frequently laughed at (Definitely at her i have witnessed it "hahaha look at Sis's name what a slut/slag/whatever"), horrible looks off strangers and people she has known, really really horrible comments off her DP's family (her and dp have been together for 3 years so its not like shes known him 5 minutes). Her DP is working full time in 2 jobs equating to about 80-90 hours a week, full time non stop with the odd day off every so often. he will be giving up the lowest paid job (Daytime job) when baby arrives but is currently using it to save up and have a "Cushion" for the first few months. i have to say they have done brilliantly, my sis has had the odd tantrum as 16 year olds do but tbf she is doing amazingly considering
just some of the comments she have had so far (Online and IRL)
"Oh look another teen whore who will be spend spend spending at the taxpayers expense"
"Ridiculous, someone tell me they've reported this slut to SS"
"hahaha she wont know shit she'll be sticking the bib on its arse and the nappy on its head, silly girl"
and the most vile so far...
"Someone kick it out of her and get her a goldfish instead" there are hundreds more but they'd take too long to write down. what i simply don't understand is why its ok to say this to a 16 year old? Or even about one? The only difference between a 16 year old FTM and a 29 year old FTM IMO is maturity, they can overcome financial problems, educational problems and other problems with support, but tell me a 29 year old FTM has never suffered in this world? If i handed a newborn baby to a childless 16 year old and then to a childless 30 year old i doubt either would have much of a clue of what to do!
On the other hand, im 19 turning 20, and for the sake of 3 years i have had nothing but well wishes and support, I really do not get it!
Also EVERYONE becomes an overbearing MIL.
16yr old sis is only 25 weeks and has had every piece of advice going rammed up her rectum and down her throat over and over, to the point she feels like screaming "YES I WILL BREASTFEED AND MY BABY WILL NEVER EAT JUNK FOOD OR WEAR ASDA CLOTHING OR EVEN SNEEZE IN THE WRONG DIRECTION AND YES I BLOODY KNOW THAT I HAVE TO USE NON BIO WASHING POWDER" (Quoted from herself) Yet no one does this to me, because im 3 years older so i automatically "Know" how to be a mum right? (erm,nope) so...
aibu to ask you why people do this? whats the problem with teenage mothers anyway? ive never met a cider drinking weed smoking pill popping pregnant 14 year old, although I read about them all the time in the daily mail!

My Great Gran had my Gran when she was 18, she had my Mum at 16, my Mum had me at 17 and I had my son at 19.

All of us are fine as parents and as people. We've all been judged but then my mum went on to have another pregnancy at 36 and she was judged for being an old mother so you really can't win.

Would I want my daughter to have a baby in her teens? Hell no! My DH and I have been together since we were 14 and there are things we both felt we've missed out on over the years due to having children young but we wouldn't change it. I want my kids to experience life.

I don't think it's fair either, op. Are there silly young girls who see a baby as a permanent meal ticket? No doubt. But it isn't fair to assume it at all, and it sure doesn't sound as though that applies to your sister or her partner. I can't believe the comments though- how vile. Being a teenage mum is not a cushy option I wouldn't think. It is true to say though that 16 was a fairly common age for motherhood in the past. My Irish grandmother was married at 16 and a mother at 17. It wasn't a great life for these women though. My grandmother was not a happy woman, but loved the bones of her children, of whom there are a few, and was a great mother. These days, young women have so many more options than early motherhood, which is great. Teenagers are individuals, same as anyone. Some are lazy, stupid, whatever. So are some elderly people. Some teenagers are well able to accept this amount of responsibility, and do it well. Congrats and the best of wishes to you and your sister!

Those being nasty probably had a teen abortion themselves or someone in their family did. They are probably jealous your DS gets to keep her baby. There are many odd bods out there, don't let them hurt you over their issues.

Thank you randomnpc
Joan hickson I really don't think thats a fair comparison.

Those being nasty probably had a teen abortion themselves or someone in their family did.

I had an abortion at 16 and would never judge a teen mum. I just didn't wanna be one. And I wouldn't want DD to be one.

I think its great people have kids young and go on to do well academically but I also believe that they must have had a great support system in place in the way of family. If I'd had that baby at 16 I'd have been the only person ever looking after it due to my circumstances at the time, I would have struggled to get a babysitter for an hour! Having a toddler now makes me think there's no way in hell of have coped as well aged 16!

There's no need for nastiness but I think people probably feel sad when they see people so young pregnant. I know I do but I keep it to myself!

Op said her DS was spat at in the street. Plenty of people have abortions some will resent it and some of those will bully pregnant teens. People do lots of strange things to others.

Joanhickson again (As the OP) I will say its not a fair comparison, I understand what you're saying but whilst some who've had abortions will feel that way toward pregnant teens, you can't tarr them all with the same brush, seeing as the person who spat at my sister was male, I find it a tad hard to believe he had an abortion in some point of life...

Where did I say all? You don't know the background of that Man.

So anyone who thinks that 16 year olds having children isn't the best idea must be resentful about an abortion? [Hmm]

OP I don't know where you live but I'm from a rough area where 16/17 is probably about average for having first children, my sister in law had her first at 13 and was never spat at or even shouted at but did get a lot of stares and strange comments, she went on to have another at 15 which raised a few eyebrows.

What a load of crock, of course lots of people don't think teens should have children because they are resentful of an abortion.

Children having babies isn't ideal in any shape or form. Whilst there are a few success stories, the odds of them not finishing college/uni are great, the relationship is unlikely to last and with no work experience behind them it adds up to a bleak picture.

Given the choice between our own children having a child at 16/19 or 25 onwards, most in their heart would say the latter unless it's something they did themselves or they live in an area where it's seen as the norm.

People just do really love to judge. I'm 24 and just had my first, but I'm not married, which is pretty unheard of in terms of my parents/ family/ family friends, am a full time student (though DP is working) and am also the first of my friendship groups from school or uni to have a baby. Most of them are still firmly in child/ student mode - often still living with parents, changing jobs every five minutes, going travelling etc. I've had loads of 'gosh how will you cope?!', unsolicited advice round every corner (some of my favourite has been from aforementioned childless uni friends), and quite a few people have gone down the 'your poor mother - you don't make her life easy, do you?' route. Would love to know what it has to do with her .

My point is people love to judge others life choices whatever the circumstances. At least your sister now has a very clear idea who's on her side and who isn't. And fwiw I don't think I'd have been any worse at being a mother when I was sixteen. I might have been a bit more resentful about missing out on stuff but all new mothers are (relatively) qclueless whatever their age! Congratulations to you and your sister .

My sister had her son a few weeks after she turned 15. This was in the early 90s. She did all her GCSEs and got good grades. Started as an admin assistant and is now a key account manager on a very good salary. My nephew is now 20 and at University doing very well and is a lovely, polite, kind boy man. She's had her struggles as we all have but I am so proud of her (I am 7 years younger than her) and she did all of it with little to no help.

Brother had his eldest child at 17. Very successful own building company. Niece is now 14 and again lovely and doing well, and he has 2 other children with the same woman and they've been happily married for years.

Younger sister had her son at 18. Put herself through college on a nursing course. She's still a single Mum on benefits as DNeph has a form of muscular dystrophy inherited from his paternal side who all have the same disease but have never met DNeph who is now almost 5. Endless hospital and physio appointments.

Bollocks to stereotypes.

I think it is terrible some of the comments your sister has received op...absolutely disgusting. I personally do not think however that being a teenage mum is a positive thing. I have no doubt that plenty of teen mums are great mums, but I think life experience is very important when you are a mother and teenagers will have less. If you are a good mother at 16, you'd be an even better mother ten years down the line iyswim. I would be devestated if either of my children became a parent in their teens...I think it would limit their life horrendously.

Your poor sis. I don't know what people are trying to achieve butting into someone else's life and decisions when a) it's too late for them to change anything and b) it's none of their business, even if it's a choice that would have been wrong for them! People are just interfering, and no matter what your demographic, when you have a baby you'll get grief for your choices re: breastfeeding, working, attitude towards discipline... Though not in the league you describe, luckily for everyone else.

I struggled with motherhood despite giving birth for the first time in my early twenties, but your sister and her partner sound much more sorted than me. I'm sure they - and you - will be great parents. Congratulations!

^late twenties

Yanbu. People love to judge.

I am a teen mother (17), then had another 2 by the time I was 21. Spilt up with my husband and went to uni (graduated with 1st class hons), had 3 jobs whilst doing it.

It was hideously hard.

Then I had another baby in my 30s. not only is life easier. i know he has a better life than my first 3. I know I was a shadow of the person I am now at 17. I know that this is reflected in my children. It makes me very upset and I feel I have done them I disservice. I know they helped me develop and grow and I was a mature 17 year old but I still have regrets

I was the best mum I could have been in my teen years but that is nowhere near to my best now.

So, I don't judge and am very positive to any mother is meet, but there is a piece of me that hopes they won't feel the same guilt.

Stupid typos. Stupid phone

People will always judge.

I am now 20 but look younger. DD was born last year when I was 19.
I got pregnant just after i turned 19. People judged.
I decided not to take a year out of uni for the pregnancy. People judged.
We moved into a brand new privately rented home, OH works as well as being a full time student, and we don't claim housing benefit although we are now in the process of making a claim. People judged.
DD was born at the end of my second year of uni, I finished the year with a 2:1. People still bloody judged!
I decided I want to graduate with the friends I started uni with, so put DD in nursery so I could carry on with uni so I can get a.bette job to support her with. Yep, people judged.
I walk around uni taking DD to the on site.nursery, and people still stare and look pitying. People constantly assume we live with my parents ; both sides of the family live two hours away so we have very little practical help.

Moral of the story; even if you work hard to make the best of a 'bad' situation, you'll still be judged for getting in that situation in the first place.
I've not actually laid it all out like that before as it seems smug, but it illustrates my point - some people will naturally judge a young mother, no matter how capable. Those people are best avoided.

Would I be upset if DD had a baby young? I'd worry for her, as its very difficult, but I'd sure as hell make sure she knows she's supported and won't be judged by me. It's not ideal to have a baby at 16/19/whatever, but I'd be more proud of my DD if she was pregnant young than if she called young mothers sluts and spat at them.

I had my first child two days before I turned 18. I was living with his dad who had a great job and we had a flat and security.

By the age of almost 24 I had three children.

I had my fifth child when I was 27ish.

I don't feel like I really missed out on anything, but going out with friends and traveling has never interested me.

I am now studying and will hopefully go to uni in 2016. I am quite glad I did it this way. There will not be the worry of child care, having to leave work due to child sickness etc. I will be pretty much free to concentrate on my career.

I got a lot of judgments. In hindsight, I wasn't really mature enough to have my first when I did and if I am being honest I would have been a better parent if I had waited a few years. I wasn't a bad parent and I soon grew up and became a pretty great parent, but some of the decisions I made, mostly in my first marriage, were not great. But hey, even older first time parents make bad decisions and my children are growing up into wonderful people.

People can be arseholes.

One of my first cousins had her first on her 17th birthday. She married the baby's father, who was 21 and in full-time work (machinist) when she got pregnant. She finished high school, became a dental nurse, and their second was born when she was 22. They are still together 21 years later.

She wasn't into travel, going out, clubbing, alcohol, etc.

YANBU.
I went to school with someone who had 2 children before the age of 18. She worked damn hard to finish college and her DC's went to the college crèche. They both graduated from Uni last year and are an absolute credit to their parents (who are still together). The abuse she got was unbelievable - those of us who actually knew her were in awe of her determination and utter belief that she would give them the best life she could despite being only 16 herself.
People will judge whatever the situation - I got told (by a friend of MIL's) at the grand old age of 36 that I was stupid to have another child - I was 6 months pregnant at the time. It was a shame apparently as the poor child will have an elderly mother...
Well bollocks to the lot of them I say!
Your sister needs to practice her politest fuck off face to present in public and have some stock phrases to hand - "yes I'm aware of that thank you", "thank you for your opinion" etc.

It's attitude not age that counts.

I was a teen mother myself, at 18. I was with my ex for two years before I got pregnant, and thought I was mature enough to deal with having a child. And I have. My daughter is 11 in a couple of weeks, and is a lovely, thoughtful, bright, polite girl. She's been raised well.

But because I was so young, I could have done so much better. Her first years, I didn't have a clue. Struggled with cooking decent, proper food, house was always a mess, money all over the place, left college because of pregnancy issues, so struggled with what to do in life. I deserved some 'stick' off people, because I had brought my daughter into the world without thinking those things through.

Do I want the same for her? Not a chance. I'm struggling with doing a degree through the OU now, while working fulltime in a minimum wage job, her dad sees her twice a year as he can't be arsed, I rely on my family for far too much childcare. I want her to be a grown up when she's ready, not because she has to keep another person alive. I want her to be 16 and going to concerts and shopping with friends, to be be 18 and discussing what uni to go to and where to go dancing that night, 21 and finding a job with prospects, finding what she wants in a relationship rather than settling. When that's done, then maybe think about kids.

Those people shouldn't be judging, but maybe they're thinking of her, and know what struggles she's likely to face- that's what I think when I hear of a young person being pregnant.