to think teen mothers get too much stick?

[Blackout234]

I'm technically a "Teen mum" (Although im 20 in 3 weeks, so will be 20 when baby is here) but no one bats an eyelid really, my sister however is also pregnant, at 16. She has been spat at, she is frequently laughed at (Definitely at her i have witnessed it "hahaha look at Sis's name what a slut/slag/whatever"), horrible looks off strangers and people she has known, really really horrible comments off her DP's family (her and dp have been together for 3 years so its not like shes known him 5 minutes). Her DP is working full time in 2 jobs equating to about 80-90 hours a week, full time non stop with the odd day off every so often. he will be giving up the lowest paid job (Daytime job) when baby arrives but is currently using it to save up and have a "Cushion" for the first few months. i have to say they have done brilliantly, my sis has had the odd tantrum as 16 year olds do but tbf she is doing amazingly considering
just some of the comments she have had so far (Online and IRL)
"Oh look another teen whore who will be spend spend spending at the taxpayers expense"
"Ridiculous, someone tell me they've reported this slut to SS"
"hahaha she wont know shit she'll be sticking the bib on its arse and the nappy on its head, silly girl"
and the most vile so far...
"Someone kick it out of her and get her a goldfish instead" there are hundreds more but they'd take too long to write down. what i simply don't understand is why its ok to say this to a 16 year old? Or even about one? The only difference between a 16 year old FTM and a 29 year old FTM IMO is maturity, they can overcome financial problems, educational problems and other problems with support, but tell me a 29 year old FTM has never suffered in this world? If i handed a newborn baby to a childless 16 year old and then to a childless 30 year old i doubt either would have much of a clue of what to do!
On the other hand, im 19 turning 20, and for the sake of 3 years i have had nothing but well wishes and support, I really do not get it!
Also EVERYONE becomes an overbearing MIL.
16yr old sis is only 25 weeks and has had every piece of advice going rammed up her rectum and down her throat over and over, to the point she feels like screaming "YES I WILL BREASTFEED AND MY BABY WILL NEVER EAT JUNK FOOD OR WEAR ASDA CLOTHING OR EVEN SNEEZE IN THE WRONG DIRECTION AND YES I BLOODY KNOW THAT I HAVE TO USE NON BIO WASHING POWDER" (Quoted from herself) Yet no one does this to me, because im 3 years older so i automatically "Know" how to be a mum right? (erm,nope) so...
aibu to ask you why people do this? whats the problem with teenage mothers anyway? ive never met a cider drinking weed smoking pill popping pregnant 14 year old, although I read about them all the time in the daily mail!

It does sound as though your sister has had the misfortune of having some real little shitheads as friends.

I went to school with a girl who had a baby at 17, she came back to school to finish her a levels. I think she did get comments from randoms sometimes but never from her peers. 9 years on, she's happily married and now has two, possibly three children. I think she's now gearing up to go to uni as all her children are in school full time.

I suppose she might be considered a "success" story but I imagine there a more teenage mums like her than there are utterly terribly incapable ones. It's just ones who do just fine aren't interesting headline fodder.

OGG, i'd love to know the "World of difference" between us, honestly I would. I see some differences yes, I will struggle in ways she will not (Money, lack of my own space, lack of a college education) and she may struggle in ways I will not, but there was no magical transition between 16 and 19 unless i missed out where I would magically be a better parent or more prepared for parenthood.

*there are more

I was just turned 21 when i had my ds ive always looked a lot younger (im 23 now and people say i dont look 18 yet) i got a few passing remarks and looks when i was heavily pregnant because they thought i was a lot younger
People just like to judge..i worked 2 jobs until i had my ds and i kept on my part time job and gave up my full time and dp now works a part time job on top of his fulltime to make our income up we dont claim any benefit apart from our child benefit.
I know lots of young teenage mums who are brilliant mums ! Although i must admit i do know a small number who havent stepped up to the mark of parenting and that annoys me because even tho they are still young they need to gain the responsibility for their childs sake so they can have a decent upbringing !

Well there are plenty of local shitheads I wont deny that :D
I know a few teen mums, about 8/9 come to mind, all of them are doing great. I really can't think of a terribly incapable one that I know in person.

So what did you do between 16 and 19?

I did A Levels, I travelled Europe for 2 months, I had three years after leaving school of learning how to act like an adult, manage money, take care of myself and enjoy doing whatever the hell I liked.

I was massively different as a 19 year old adult than as a 16 year old school-leaver. I don't know anyone that wasn't tbh.

Agree with OGG too. If you can't see the difference between a 16 and 19 yo then that says a lot. A 19 yo having a child isn't ideal either tbh.

Your OP would suggest that the type of person who gets pregnant at 16 is the type of person who moves in those kinds of circles. I have known plenty of teen mums and while many people judge their choices and think about the wasted opportunities, none have ever been spat at.

Pp are also saying how its not ideal to have a baby at 16. This may well be the case but it doesnt mean to say they wont cope well. One of my closest friends had her ds at just turned 17 a few months before i had my ds at 21. She definetely coped with the changes a lot better than me and required a lot less support whereas i ended up with pnd and i really struggled at the beginning and needed support so again i dont think age makes a difference as long as the individual can mature

well between 16 and 19 I did a years course training in what I would like to do (So has she, as she did her Maths, english, science and business qualifications at 15 then did an NVQ level 2 in business law which is formally completed in 6 weeks) and in the last 9 months I have set up as self employed, the latter is the only difference, then I ended up shit creek with no paddle due to DV. LadyLuck,says a lot about what?
I'm not saying either situation is ideal, If I wanted to be told that I would have asked, I already know my situation isn't ideal. I just don't know why I don't get judged and my sister gets judged on every part of her life non stop.

Have you solved the problem you were having with your neighbours and landlord Blackout?

Bellerina, well, nope, because then my ex decided to punch me in the throat and is now on bail for assault, LL admitted it was a mistake on his part (he was checking the wrong account) and i moved out pretty sharpish after ex hit me so i dont know how things went with the god awful neighbors.

You are an adult op, your sister is a child that is the difference.
Odd first post though.

You probably are being judged, it's just people are less open about it perhaps because you seem more scary, or sorted, or whatever.

Everyone gets judged, it's something you have to deal with at any age, pregnant or not!

I had my son at 20 and six years later I can see how hopelessly naive and immature I was. It's really hard to see it until you have hindsight, honestly.

So all these great teen mothers all have partners working? I doubt it

soontobesix... this isn't my first post, but okay :P.
I'm sooo terrifying, all 5ft of me, obviously. Judgement happens, but the extreme difference for the sake of 3 years grinds my gears.

ihave- No, not all of them do, some do, some don't like some 30 year olds have partners who work, and some don't. but is it really fair to assume either way?

I was a teen mum,fell pregnant at 16 and had my son at 17.

I actually stupidly managed to get pregnant on the first day of sixth form which,later,some idiots decided must've been intentional. Yep,naturally,I was just pretending I wanted to do my A Levels when really what I wanted was to end up a young single mum renting a shabby private flat because there was only one landlord who would consider me!!

I got a lot of flack and comments. Strangely enough, the worst was actually from other girls at school. I was called a slit by girls who were known to sleep around. Girls who knew that I didn't,had been with his dad for ages,loved the barsteward to bits and wasn't the type to do something so blooming stupid! I couldn't walk through the throughway in school without comments being made.

My friends were fine.

Unfortunately for me,it was made worse by the fact that my sons dad done his first runner the day after I told him,yet I still had to see him at school (although he was doing resits rather than A Levels so was only in two days a week) and share friends with him. He made it worse telling everyone that he hadn't touched me. Later told the CSA the same thing actually,they forced him to do a DNA test after that,that shut him up!!!

Anyway, as said the worst was from others at school. A few teachers were off,said they expected better from me,as did everyone else,which somehow felt much worse than the other comments. I had my English teacher staring at me in pity in class. It did feel horrible.

When ds was born 6 weeks early it got even worse as a bunch of idiots decided that I must've lied.

BUT what I found was that it was older people who were kinder. Little old ladies,complete strangers, were lovely to me and would stop me to see how I was in the street or stop to talk to me and see day when he was born. My friends mums were amazing,didn't judge and done more for me than my own parents.

But the comments were still there from the teenage girls. To them I'd gone from being an intelligent girl with a life ahead of her to some piece of scum and that really hurt.

When I see girls around the 15/16/17 age group pregnant now I do feel for them. I don't generally judge,although often think some have been a bit stupid but then,so was I,so it's more of a 'knowing' thought rather than a flat out judgement.

I also know that it's hard,their lives won't be as they would've,there's a higher chance of them being single mums and it will be so much more of a struggle and can be completely demoralising as people will tell you,at that age,that you can never have a life and a career and that you shouldn't have one. The more people tell a girl/young woman that, the harder it can be for her to defy it and do what she wants to do because the world makes her feel useless,like they couldn't support it.

It is horrible. But it's not easy being a mum at that age either.You do miss a lot and, as much as friends say they understand,will be fine and say they'll babysit,it doesn't work out like that. They don't understand why you can't suddenly go and join in with random plans,be out anytime you want childfree,they don't understand why you don't have the money to do things and how you've suddenly been plunged into a huge physical,emotional and financial responsibility that they can't even comprehend because they're living with their parents providing everything.

You are also quite a bit more mature at 19 than you are at 16.Personally,when I fell pregnant I'm not even sure how much it sunk in. When I saw those two little lines on the pregnancy test I was stunned,couldn't cry,and just ended up with a 'wow' feeling,which I'm not convinced was totally appropriate for my age. I wasn't scared but,in all honesty, I think I should have been. Yep,despite everything and my plans going seriously wrong,knowing I had a life growing inside me was amazing,because life is. But I didn't feel any fear,I didn't question myself or my situation until after my son had been born. Now I see that as a sign of immaturity. I think it's natural,normal and right to be scared and wonder. To not do that is like living in a little bubble where you aren't taking in the reality of your situation.

Yes,it is the most amazing thing but that doesn't mean you shouldn't fear,parenthood is a scary thing and you end up questioning yourself all the time,wondering if you are doing the right thing by your kids,if you've done something that's made them act a certain way,if you're giving them enough and the right opportunities in life etc. It's all normal. But you should have some form of fear when pregnant,even if it's just wondering how you are going to do things or making plans. Me,I just accepted I was pregnant and got on with it,adoring the little baby in my little bump and never thinking 'how am I going to...?' ,'What if I can't...?' etc. That's not very grown up,is it? It didn't come until after and that makes it more of a struggle.

I've just turned 33 (was today as I started writing this,it's now yesterday LOL) and I know that if by some miracle (seriously single!!!) I was pregnant now,despite the fact that I have a stronger nesting instinct now and would be so much more prepared,I would have those little thoughts wondering how I would manage,what I would need to do,I'd be discussing pregnancy issues and making plans,probably end up moaning about backache rather than blissfully accepting it,because I'm more mature and you have to be grown up to really consider those things and take it all in properly.

That was a little longer than anticipated.Sorry

I have known some very, very good teen mothers. I'm not sure true the 'there's more to life' comments are, because all the women I've known to have children in their teens have got an education and a career when there children are a little older and I don't think having a child in your teens necessarily precludes a career or education. I don't necessarily think they miss out on 'having fun' either. Because while I have a toddler at the age of 36 my friends who had kids in their teens have got their independence back over the last 7-8 years and seem to be having a whale of a time.

Having said that I had my first child at the age of 33 after years of fertility problems and faced some really nasty sniping from younger mothers. I thought 33 was a fairly normal age but I was told I wouldn't be abLe to look after him properly or have fun with him because I was too old to run around with him; I would be out of touch and make him live in an old fashioned way and he would be picked on in the playground; I would be out of touch with what life was like for him and wouldn't understand him because it was too long since I was young; would be too old to be friends with him; would be too strict; wouldn't have the energy and patience to look after a toddler; wouldn't have proper support as I'd left it too late so my parents would be too old too help me with him, and my personal favourite, I would die when he was in his 30s which was unfair on him. You would have thought I'd given birth at 60, not 33.

I also know friends in London have been tut tutted at for being too young for children in their mid 20s.

I think the lesson is that whenever you do it there are going to be some nasty people who think you should have done it the way they did it and will criticize you for not doing it.

Their opinions don't matter and you shouldn't let it get to you.

I had my Ds at 17. I didn't get a council house nor receive any benefits apart from child benefit. Instead I continued with college, got all A's in my A-levels, furthered on to an HND which I did extremely well in. I then managed to get directly into second year of University. I worked 20 hours a week while at Uni to support my son. I graduated and now have a successful career aged 25. I think I've achieved a lot more in my life than most my age, though that's probably due to maturing quite fast. The only thing I seemed to miss out on was getting drunk. I don't drink.

I was one. 16 when I had my DS, can honestly say aside from kids at school being 12 about it I didn't get any stick at all!
That said, I didn't look young and I had plenty of support from my family and financial help.
My own dd is 16 now and I can honestly say I'd be devastated if she became pregnant. DS is at university and DD1 is hoping to follow. They have so much living to do yet!
I don't think teenage mothers are bad parents but it's never going to be ideal. I had dd3 and 4 in my early 30's and personally can't get over how different it's been. I'm just enjoying it so much rather than finding every day a struggle.
Teen parents exist for all sorts of reasons and they need our support not abuse.
If I meet a young mum at a toddler group or at school I'll go out of my way to chat as I remember how bloody terrifying and intimidating it feels.

Your dear sis will have the last laugh simply by being the best parent she can.
I wish her well.

Blackout, I've read a few threads of yours recently; I've just spent an hour or so reading everything you've posted since you've been on MN, just to get a coherent timescale in my own head. For what it's worth, I think you're bloody marvellous. I can't believe how mature you are for your age, and how well you come across ( and compassionate too), considering all the things you've gone through since your early teenage years. This middle aged bloke thinks that your child is going to have a fab mum