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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Purposeful Late Dropoffs

54 replies

MrsDiesel · 18/01/2015 18:05

When ex and I were together we spent a lot of time with his family when he had contact with his DD. Several times I witnessed him say, I am taking DD home now as her mum wants her back at X time. Then Exsil would say, Oh does she now, well we are Having a cup of tea first so she can wait, or DD do you want to watch tv show before you go? So basically kept dsd late just to show her mum who was boss.

Whilst I never approved of their behaviour I kept out of it. I never really got along with ex's family so didn't rock the boat further.

Well now that ex and I have separated I suspect I am getting the same treatment. Depending on how ex and I are getting along he will turn up late with Ds. I know exactly the conversations that will be going on (he lives with his mum and sister). So I know they are doing it to annoy me.

Today it is really icey out and he is driving his mums clapped out old car which I am sure is perfectly safe, it has passed its MOT after all but of course they are late, I have heard nothing and I am worried. I contacted him and he said what does it matter, you said you weren't going out and its not like we have left the country.

So AIBU to expect him to be on time or at least let me know he will be late?

He chose the time to bring ds back by the way, I didn't dictate a time.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 18/01/2015 18:16

I wouldn't play their games. Just expect DC back late. Work out how long it averages and just make that the time in your head. They're trying to arse with you. The best revenge is to not give a shit.

gobbynorthernbird · 18/01/2015 18:36

YABU. He showed you exactly what an arse he was, and you still had a child with him.

Blackout234 · 18/01/2015 18:41

Why did you have a child with this man?

Original poster
MrsDiesel · 18/01/2015 18:41

I couldn't agree more Gobby I was naive enough to believe that once I got him out of his mum/sisters control he was actually a decent person. I just didn't factor in us splitting up and him going back there.

MrsTerry I know in my head that is the best solution and next time I will try to channel it. It won't be easy though.

OP posts:
SquinkiesRule · 18/01/2015 18:45

If he asks what time you want him back just give an earlier time than you want him, to allow time for the family make the extra drink and watch the TV. That way you will know when to expect him.

Original poster
MrsDiesel · 18/01/2015 18:49

I didn't mind what time they come back Squinkies which is why I asked him what tine they are coming back, its more the fact that its icy and when I didn't hear off him and they were 40 mins late I worried they had been in an accident. Although rationally I knew what they were upto I still worried. So even if I set the time earlier I would probably still worry.

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Moniker1 · 18/01/2015 18:53

I would think the Oh does she now, well we are Having a cup of tea first so she can wait, or DD do you want to watch tv show before you go behavior will flag with time.
Really, who could be arsed doing that for years. So if you ignore it will prob diminish over time.

dalekanium · 18/01/2015 18:56

If they'd been in an accident, then the emergency services would inform you, so try not to worry.

As for the deliberate pissing you about, I'd be really firm that you are going out (on a date) and the DC MUST NOT be returned before then because you will be at home 'entertaining' guarantee they will be back on time or early.

Im not a nice person, and see controlling twats like this a fair game for a bit of fun.

Original poster
MrsDiesel · 18/01/2015 18:57

Well dsd is 6 and they have kept it up since birth (ex and her mum split before she was born) They really are the most ridiculously petty people. They like to mark out that dsd belongs to them. And now they are starting it with ds.

I think I need big deep breaths and to not let it bother me. Easier said than done though. Especially when I know for a fact what they are doing because I have witnessed it myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsDiesel · 18/01/2015 18:59

DaleK I would have no end of hell if he thought I was going on a date. I had 70 messages in an hour when he thought someone had sent me a message on facebook.

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseGirls · 18/01/2015 19:01

Just tell him: perfect, an extra hour to myself! He won't be one minute late ever again.

Marphe · 18/01/2015 19:08

Yes, I agree with Drink. If you can find away to thank DSIL for all the free childcare that would be even better....

TendonQueen · 18/01/2015 19:09

I like DaleK's suggestion. Not that he has any right to be annoyed you are on a date, but you could also say you have friends round for wine and girls' night as another option. BTW though 70 messages in an hour is harassment and I would be reporting that to the police if it ever happened again.
I would also knock an hour off the time you actually want to have DS back, so you say 6 knowing it'll actually be 7.

Original poster
MrsDiesel · 18/01/2015 19:10

I love the ideas, I don't really want to get unti point scoring back. I just want a drama free co parenting relationship where he respects me enough to either be on time or send me a text to let me know he will be late.

I suppose you can't control others behaviour, only your reaction to it. I need to not react and hope they get bored.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsDiesel · 18/01/2015 19:14

Thanks Tendon up to that point we had been having a friendly relationship and he was seeing ds here a lot. After that abusive tirade I told him he was obviously misreading the signs and from now on we separate him seeing ds from him seeing me. Today was the first time he has taken him and that's why I know they were trying to show me who is boss. He has done it before when he has been annoyed with me. They are so predictable.

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specialsubject · 18/01/2015 19:15

one slight point in his favour is that he should be driving much more slowly on ice. The state of the car is much less important than his driving.

oh, and why can he see your facebook?

Original poster
MrsDiesel · 18/01/2015 19:20

They only live a 5 min drive away. Even taking it slow is not 40 mins but I see what your saying.

We communicate through facebook as he never has any credit on his phone.

OP posts:
babyhammock · 18/01/2015 19:21

I love dales suggestion too, but understand you don't want to get drawn into the tedium of playing games..
So I would really try and be totally un-phased by any lateness and then every so often say something along the lines of I'm having a 'friend' over so try not to be too early ..... ;) x

babyhammock · 18/01/2015 19:21

Not dales.... Dalek doh

MissHJ · 18/01/2015 19:29

Well I guess now you can say you know how his ex felt when her child was always being dropped off late.

You know he is not going to stop, if he did it with one ex he is clearly going to do everything the same with you.

I would not show your annoyance, I assume your child is quite young so it's no big deal. I would be more concerned once your child got to school and was being dropped off late on a Sunday night with school the next morning. But hopefully by then your ex will realise what a twat he is!

Roseformeplease · 18/01/2015 19:33

Communicate through what's app, or similar. Alternatively, set up a separate Facebook page for him.

DisappointedOne · 18/01/2015 19:36

OP, a car can be roadworthy and pass its MOT and 5 minutes later be unroadworthy (blow a bulb, split wiper blade, mirrors fall off). The MOT is proof of nothing.

sykadelic · 18/01/2015 19:37

You don't need to be friends on Facebook to get messages from him. Unfriend or put him on restricted (can't see shit)

Quitethewoodsman · 18/01/2015 19:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MrsDiesel · 18/01/2015 19:42

He is young but has to leave the house at 7.45 anyway to go to childcare while I work. He brought him back before bedtime though.

I will unfriend him and then try not to let their games bother me. At least I know what is coming.

OP posts: