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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Purposeful Late Dropoffs

54 replies

MrsDiesel · 18/01/2015 18:05

When ex and I were together we spent a lot of time with his family when he had contact with his DD. Several times I witnessed him say, I am taking DD home now as her mum wants her back at X time. Then Exsil would say, Oh does she now, well we are Having a cup of tea first so she can wait, or DD do you want to watch tv show before you go? So basically kept dsd late just to show her mum who was boss.

Whilst I never approved of their behaviour I kept out of it. I never really got along with ex's family so didn't rock the boat further.

Well now that ex and I have separated I suspect I am getting the same treatment. Depending on how ex and I are getting along he will turn up late with Ds. I know exactly the conversations that will be going on (he lives with his mum and sister). So I know they are doing it to annoy me.

Today it is really icey out and he is driving his mums clapped out old car which I am sure is perfectly safe, it has passed its MOT after all but of course they are late, I have heard nothing and I am worried. I contacted him and he said what does it matter, you said you weren't going out and its not like we have left the country.

So AIBU to expect him to be on time or at least let me know he will be late?

He chose the time to bring ds back by the way, I didn't dictate a time.

OP posts:
NutcrackerFairy · 18/01/2015 19:46

Yes, and if ds will be back later than 7pm he should really start the bedtime routine Quitethewoodsman shouldn't he...

Perhaps send ds off with fresh pyjamas and have him delivered back all freshly bathed and ready to be put to bed Smile

Win/Win!

Original poster
MrsDiesel · 18/01/2015 20:06

He has smashed my front door window! When he dropped off I took ds and his bag then turned around and flicked the door shut without talking to him. He was outside the door. He put his hand up to stop the door closing and it has smashed. I only just noticed now when I have gone to lock up. It is only smashed on one layer so we are still safe but it will need replacing.

OP posts:
RabbitSaysWoof · 18/01/2015 20:15

Can you ask him to message you when he is leaving for yours so you can pop out/ get a bath whatever until he texts. It's the worst just waiting for someone you feel like you cant just get on with anything.

Arion · 18/01/2015 20:16

Call the police (non emergency number) and report it, it's criminal damage. Don't let him get away with more shit.

RobbStarksBitch · 18/01/2015 20:17

First of all I can't stand those 'so why did you have a child with him then' comments. They help no one, they just make you look like a twat.

OP he is a massive knob with no backbone. His mother and sister will destroy (or rather he will destroy by allowing them to control his life) everyone adult relationship he has and probably his relationship with his children once they are old enough to see it. That'll be penance in itself.

Have you messaged him about your door?

Original poster
MrsDiesel · 18/01/2015 20:38

Yes I rang him about the door and he said I shouldn't have shut it in his face. He said he was halfway through it ( he wasn't. He would have had to step forwards and put his hand up quite forcefully)
Have rung 101 and they will send someone out to do a welfare check and take a statement, just incase he does anything else.
Have rung glazier and they have quoted £230 for a replacement window, sob. They will confirm the price when they come out and will have to order in the unit.

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseGirls · 18/01/2015 20:48

Oh no! So sorry OP. Twat. AngrySadThanks

TendonQueen · 18/01/2015 20:58

Robb, I hate those comments too. What do people expect the OP to do, get in a time machine? It's supremely snotty and unhelpful.

Oh dear OP. As for 'being halfway in' why was he walking in without being invited? Obviously he is one of those people who can never be wrong though or just say 'sorry, it was an accident'.

gobbynorthernbird · 18/01/2015 21:08

IMO, you can't watch a person treat their ex/DC like crap then expect anything different. The OP asked if she WBU to think the ex should be more considerate, and she was as she knew he behaved like this.

MrsD, sorry to hear about your door.

Original poster
MrsDiesel · 18/01/2015 21:14

Well it must be a slow crime day because the police have just been already! Took about half an hour from calling them.

They have taken a 'no complaint' statement and will talk to him. I just wanted something on file incase his behaviour carries on and for him to know I am not going to put up with it. My ex husband was abusive to the point of me needing hospital treatment and that started with smashing up my home so I am not willing to tolerate anything. He knows all of that but knows I put up with it for years from my ex, I wont go through it again.

OP posts:
FelineLou · 18/01/2015 22:41

Can you claim on house insurance for window? It may be cheaper to just pay though if they put up premium.

Original poster
MrsDiesel · 18/01/2015 22:47

I will dig the paper work out but I think by the time I have paid excess and undoubtedly higher premium it is probably cheaper to just pay the £230

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 18/01/2015 22:48

MrsD, rather than not speaking to him next time he brings DS back late, how about asking him 'Still taking orders from your sister then?'. Smirking as you say it would be good too. Wink

You did the right thing calling the police about the door.

OriginalGreenGiant · 18/01/2015 22:50

Aren't you being a tad dramatic about the door?

An arse he may be but if it was an accident he's hardly smashing your house up. Or giving any suggestion he's going to start, unless there's something else.

Quitethewoodsman · 18/01/2015 22:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fedupbutfine · 18/01/2015 23:03

First of all I can't stand those 'so why did you have a child with him then' comments. They help no one, they just make you look like a twat

Unfortunately, when you have been through as many new partners as my children have, you very quickly learn that there must be thousands of women out there willing to be with men who play silly games with their exs. Why would you join in? Whilst I agree it's not helpful, it is very, very difficult to read a post like this and not think 'you kind of got what you deserved, didn't you?'. At the very least, hopefully pointing out the obvious will make other women in similar situations think twice about continuing their relationships without at least making some kind of challenge to the status quo. It is not Ok to treat any person in this way and if you stand by and watch it, you are saying that it is indeed OK. The excuse the OP makes - that she didn't think they'd split - adds further insult to injury because she's saying it's OK to behave in this way towards other people as long as it doesn't affect me.

Robb, I hate those comments too. What do people expect the OP to do, get in a time machine? It's supremely snotty and unhelpful
The OP is not having an 'in hindsight' moment...she knew full well what her ex was like. He didn't hide it. Nor did his family. She chose to stay with him and have children with him knowing full well what he was capable of. She should take some responsibility for that. In which case, she is being entirely unreasonable.

Quitethewoodsman · 18/01/2015 23:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

silkandsteel83 · 18/01/2015 23:17

I hate to tell you this, but it probably won't get any better. I split with my Ex 11 years ago and he still brings my DC back at least 40 mins late every time. All hell would break loose if i did the same to him. Knob.

thenightsky · 18/01/2015 23:17

When he asks what time you want DS back I'd be tempted to just say... 'oh whatever suits you'. That way they have no time deadline to play games with.

fedupbutfine · 18/01/2015 23:42

She is alone and struggling. Do you think it's perhaps not the best time to lecture? Surely you have some empathy

and the ex partner - more than likely also alone and struggling but with a new partner happy to turn a blind eye rather than challenge piss poor behaviour?

For me, the OP is in a difficult situation and that's sad. But it was her choice. So I personally think she is being unreasonable.

MrsTawdry · 18/01/2015 23:43

I was going to suggest what Woodsman says...be vague. "Sometime around 4-5 will be fine."

Then when he says "Oh I've to drop DD off soon..." it won't affect you if SIL says "Oh well we're all playing a game of Nutter in the Kitchen first!" then he can do that and still be on time...

Balaboosta · 19/01/2015 07:01

When he dropped off I took ds and his bag then turned around and flicked the door shut without talking to him. He was outside the door.
If you want "drama-free parenting" this is not going to achieve that. You have to be courteous courteous courteous. He did not break your door - you closed it on him. You have a lot of support on here already op; ride it like the crest of a wave to rise above your irritations.

KnackeredMerrily · 19/01/2015 07:29

You shouldn't have said nothing and shut the door on him in front of your son.

You just have no idea how that attitude and nastiness will impact on your DS

You're a parent now. Grow up.

Purplepoodle · 19/01/2015 07:32

Agree with balaboosta, you need to stick on a pleasant face and be polite but firm. Slamming the door is just going to create more problems as broken window showed. Be breezy about drop off times, just say something like "thank you for dropping dc off, see you x time (when ever next pick up is, followed by goodbye and gentle close the door". Your not giving him any ammunition and anyone to fight with.

Original poster
MrsDiesel · 19/01/2015 09:49

I will take the advice offered by thenightsky and say whatever time suits you, or just not confirm a drop off time. That way I can't get irritated.

Those that say I was dramatic to phone the police over the door because it was my own fault, well the police disagree and say I did the right thing and would be well within my rights to press charges which I have chose not to.

I didn't shut the door on him. He was outside. To stop the door he has had to take a step forward and put his hand up quite forcefully to smash toughened safety glass.

I admit I should not have ignored him at drop off. I will learn from that and next time be polite and thank him. Point taken.

OP posts:
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