or just naive to think DH should be more considerate?

[rubytuesday75]

Sorry if this seems like it doesn't make much sense, I can't get the words out properly...
I am currently a SAHM, back to work in March this year. I care for DD (5) and DS (10 months) and DH (40 years, not very D at the moment). DH is very unaware of the general household things that need doing and so, doesn't do them unless asked. This makes me sound like I'm nagging him, esp when he then says 'I'll do it later', later never comes and I ask again and then eventually do it anyway, having waited an hour or 2 for him to put the washing on/tidy toys/sterilise etc. In the spirit of fairness, I should say he works hard (12 hours including the commute) and is very kind and loving with us all. Yesterday morning, I slept through the alarm (got up 3 times in the night with a teething baby) and he asked me what needed doing. I told him to sterilise/turn machine on -'OK' he says. I come downstairs after he's left. He hasn't done it -ARGH. Cue bad temper, me locking myself and baby out due to rushing around and general all round misery. Today I had to get DD out to playdate - I did the usual childcare in the morning, quick shower, no time for hair/makeup etc as children to get ready - he was in the shower for 35 mins, got ready, came downstairs and did nothing towards getting children out/household stuff etc. Over Christmas, I got up early nearly every day to see to the kids, I asked for a lie in on my birthday but it didn't materialise as he slept through the baby crying and I can't lie there listening to DS scream and wait for DH to wake up.

I get that some men are not good at housework. I understand that he is tired (he is always falling asleep early, or having to have lie ins at the weekend due to tiredness). I am so resentful and angry all the time - I can't tell you how tired I am (you all know how tired I am because most of you have been there!) I play out arguments in my head and tell him that he needs to see what has to be done, not to wait for me to tell him. Don't get me wrong, if I ask him, he will (eventually) do it. But I've been waiting for him to take the broken microwave to the tip for over a month now - maybe he can't see it?! His standard phrase is 'I didn't notice/ see it/ think that it was important'. We've been together 13 years and I've had so many rows about this with him, he just apologises, is a bit better for a week and then goes back to his normal gormless self.

When I go back to work, I'll still have to do the cleaning/cooking/childcare (when they are not at childminders) as well as my full time job (teacher - so I'll have work at home as well). I'm not looking for sympathy, but I just don't know how to approach this any more. I am so sad and angry and fed up. I want to leave but can't because I couldn't do that to my daughter, she adores her father.
I'm not looking for a definitive answer (there probably isn't one), I think I just needed to rant but my heart is heavy and he's there in the other room, asleep in the chair after an afternoon at the football with his FIL.

Come on, he knows there is house work otherwise he wouldn't know what to do when he does that thing of working like frenzy once you lose it.

We works - we get that
You are on maternity leave looking after your child. You do more than 12 hours a day in your current role.

Anything not to do with looking after your child - needs to be split 50/50.

If you are making lists, get them on a white board not on a bit of paper so that everyone can see what needs doing.

Why is there any point of being in the same house when he causes you MORE work than if you were single?

I actually haven't read the whole thread yet OP but just wanted to say this...sounds a lot like when we had young children...I felt just like you OP...I remember planning to leave...actually saw a few rented houses...but one day DD ran, positively flew into her Daddys arms and I realized I couldn't take them away from their DF any more than I could take them away from him...I was stuck feeling pretty miserable...but you know what...things did get better...we have been married now for 24 years and have an empty nest...I so remember those hard hard years, the tiredness and the resentment...please hang on in there,,,it will get better...cant promise but firmly believe from what you are saying that there is love there, just hidden under the pile of tiredness.

Put the microwave on the passenger seat of his car. He'll see it then.

As you are returning to work soon, now is an ideal time to sit down and sort things out. In preparation.

Id try and get him to agree to the following:-
One lie in til 10am each Sat and Sun. The person who gets up on the early has to prep stuff so that you can all go.out etc
once the lie inner wakes (so gets all dressed and fed, bottles prepped and any bags packed).
He can bath and bedtime the kids when he gets in from work each evening, then have dinner.
Before he leaves for work in the morning, he needs to put the wet laundry into the dryer (you having put it on to wash the nught before)

Oops posted too soon.

Weekends - one big job each, so he can either do the Big Clean or all the ironing. His choice. Dont sit down to dinner on Sunday unless these have been done.

He doesn't sound like a lovely man, op.
He sounds like a man who has it easy with regards to housework and his job choice because he knows you dislike confrontation.

Looks like I'm the lone voice sticking up for the dh .
He works/commutes 12 hours a day. He must be knackered. Yes, I get that you are, as you currently have a teething baby, but surely you're not up 3 times per night as a standard? I'm just assuming you're knackered at the moment? (Might be wrong).
Re housework, yes - share daily stuff at weekends, one lie in each etc, but as a sahm with only one child to look after term time, I think you could be doing all the jobs that could be done any time - laundry, dusting, etc mon - fri while your ten month old sleeps or plays.
Tbh, all the sahp I know in real life don't expect the wop to contribute to housework , though childcare should be shared on a weekend. It's only on mumsnet that I have ever heard that someone who is working out of the house for 60 hours per week should also be sharing chores.
I'm not writing this to be mean, just that all the responses seem to be so in your favour, that you should get done perspective and possibly not straight after a sleepless night that you discuss all this with him.

You sound so tired. So absolutely zonked out, on the verge of screaming tired. At the end of your tether tired. Been there - feel for you.
Before you start writing housework lists etc can you think about how to get some rest. A lie in for both of you? Or a Travelodge night for you one Fri or sat night? Start nursery/childcare a bit early just to get an afternoon a week to rest. (Not do housework!)
When you can think clearly then discuss a plan to ensure you both get equal amounts of down time. Don't forget to include chores to do with the family (planning holiday cover, making dentist appts etc) the stuff that takes up a lot of time without visible result.
He can scotch the idea that 12 hours whom is harder than 12 hours as sahm (or vice versa really). So you both need a lie in. And you need to dig him in the ribs and kick him out of bed on his mornings.
I'm genuinely puzzled what you need a sterilised for at 18 months. Unless I misread (hard to check back on phone). But you need to agree a morning routine of who does what.

I totally get your unhappiness and resentment.

I don't have the answers (except as others say stand your ground, be clear and assertive and don't take this) but I do agree that you have to see the long game. This phase will pass.

Don't leave him over this! The grass ain't greener. We are none of us perfect.

Before i get the 'Are we in a 1950s time warp' comments, I work FT, my dh is SAHd. We share things equally.

But when the girls were little he was shit at getting up wiht them and never heard them in the night. That made me exhausted, angry and bitter and we had endless talks and fights but muddled through. He did make an effort and I tried to see all the great things he did do, not what he didn't. It's all a distant memory now. We have other issues of course - that's marriage!

Let's remember how things are in the real wolrld not on Mumsnet where every one claims to have perfect husbands and tell people to leave their partners over day to day stuff that pretty much everyone goes through in RL.

Like Marylou says I've had dark times when I wantd out of this marriage. But I go t through them and soooo glad I did. 25 years together.

Read 'Wifework'. Funny how he cooked and cleaned whilst sharing a house with other men. Would they have put up with 'I'll do it later' or forgetting? No. This is why I drill it into my daughter's head to never marry a man who is 'not good at housework' unless he is so fuck off rich he can afford to hire his fair share out permanently at no sacrifice financially to the family.

I would tell him the truth: that things change or we need to look at splitting up. No matter how much your daughter loves him, seeing her mother like this or a parent who PA sulks and gives the silent treatment is not good for her.

arethere I was a WOHM and DH was a SAHD and I did not believe that exempted me from all the work relating to our home and the children we chose to create.

arethereanyleft the DH is doing 12 hours a day, which includes being able to have a coffee, a wee or a meal alone and in peace, without juggling a mobile baby. OP is also doing at least 12 hours, and apparently also on duty for the other 12.

I work FT, I went back when my children were about 10 months old, and I can say with confidence that I found a 12-hour day out of the house, with 3-hour commuting time, LOADS less exhausting than a day spent toddler-wrangling. At that age they're a constant danger, and although naps should be useful for a quick fly-round they might also be the OP's only chance for a rest during the day.

And DH took the view when I was on mat leave that he was on duty at work, I was on duty at home, and when we were in the same house we were BOTH on duty until there was nothing more to do. Which is why he remains DH and not 'some git I once met'.

I might also point out that OP, in her OP, says she'll still be doing everything when she's back at work. How is that fair?

And DH and I have been together 12 years, and although some crap stuff has happened, we have NEVER 'had dark times' and contemplated splitting up over domestic issues. Because we are a partnership and we treat each other with respect.

Anyone who says that's not the real world - it is mine, and I'm real. Just because it's not your world, and you choose to put up with crap, you've no right to suggest other women should do the same.

In response, I find being a sahp plus chores mush easier than when I worked. But my point is that that's not the point! Some people find woh easier and some staying at home. The point I was trying to make to the op, who had had 100% of responses in her favour, is to be slightly more open minded about how he might feel, when she goes to discuss with her dh, rather than going in thinking she is definitely right, as the responses on here implied.

Um, she is right. Having a cock and working does not exempt a person entirely from housework and childcare.

The cock has nothing to do with it, the fact that one person is working does.

tea - since you quoted my post I asume you are implying I put up with crap? I don't and I never have. Ever. It's amazing what people can take out of a post. Great you haven't had dark times, most people in long marriages do. A huge majority.

I didn't say we hadn't had dark times - in face, I specifically said we had. I said we hadn't had dark times because one of us was refusing to do their fair share domestically. Because we see it as a basic respect issue and deal with it accordingly.

Everyone has to work out what they're happy with (eg, whether you find a day at home with a baby more tiring than a day at work, or vice versa). The point here is that the OP isn't happy and can see things getting even more unequal when she returns to work. It wouldn't be fair for anyone to tell her to put up with it just because they chose to, would it?

teawamutu.. Ihad one of the latter...

If he lived on his own, then he'd have to cook for himself, take care of his laundry, clean up after himself and so on, on top of a 12 hour day working and commuting. He has it pretty good with this current arrangement. It's not unreasonable to expect him to do at least as much around the house as he would need to do if he was single. It's his house that needs maintaining and his children who need caring for, after all.

As his current attitude stands, unless he gets out of his lazy around the house habits, when the OP goes back to work, she's still going to have everything to do. Will people taking pity on the poor hardworking man still do so then, or are they also of the opinion that the OP's place is at home, taking care of the house and all her children, up to 40 years old?

I live in the real world, too, and don't know anyone who feels the person who works outside the home gets to completely check out of all domestic and childcare obligations. I do know some who left people who felt that way and are the happier for it.

As my dad says, 'If you want an easy life, don't have kids.'

No, obviously not. That's an entirely different scenario.

That was to ouvrye

I would agree with arethere, you need to be more open minded, people have different standards in what they do. You say he lived in a house with other men and he must have cooked/cleaned them but you have no idea to what extent their cleaning and tidying went to. I don't think it's fair to expect anyone else to do things to your standards or do them your way - you have to leave them to do what they do.

I do think it's wrong thou don't wake him if you want a lie in. Some people genuinely don't hear anything when they are sleeping - how can you expect him to get up when he doesn't hear? Seems silly to harbour resentment when all you have do is say to him at the time it's your turn..

I don't believe because people on here say it's right it is, it's only their opinion - doesn't mean they do in RL what they say here, this is the internet after all...

He works/commutes 12 hours a day. He must be knackered. Yes, I get that you are, as you currently have a teething baby, but surely you're not up 3 times per night as a standard? I'm just assuming you're knackered at the moment? (Might be wrong).

Presumably it depends on the baby. From when dd was 7 months and started teething until she was 18 months and started walking she woke somewhere between 4 and 11 times a night every single night. I kept records as I tried every fucking suggestion by every fucking useless parenting expert in the world. And none of them worked!

She also only napped for 20 mins to half an hour at a time and generally only when being pushed in the pram.