or just naive to think DH should be more considerate?

[rubytuesday75]

Sorry if this seems like it doesn't make much sense, I can't get the words out properly...
I am currently a SAHM, back to work in March this year. I care for DD (5) and DS (10 months) and DH (40 years, not very D at the moment). DH is very unaware of the general household things that need doing and so, doesn't do them unless asked. This makes me sound like I'm nagging him, esp when he then says 'I'll do it later', later never comes and I ask again and then eventually do it anyway, having waited an hour or 2 for him to put the washing on/tidy toys/sterilise etc. In the spirit of fairness, I should say he works hard (12 hours including the commute) and is very kind and loving with us all. Yesterday morning, I slept through the alarm (got up 3 times in the night with a teething baby) and he asked me what needed doing. I told him to sterilise/turn machine on -'OK' he says. I come downstairs after he's left. He hasn't done it -ARGH. Cue bad temper, me locking myself and baby out due to rushing around and general all round misery. Today I had to get DD out to playdate - I did the usual childcare in the morning, quick shower, no time for hair/makeup etc as children to get ready - he was in the shower for 35 mins, got ready, came downstairs and did nothing towards getting children out/household stuff etc. Over Christmas, I got up early nearly every day to see to the kids, I asked for a lie in on my birthday but it didn't materialise as he slept through the baby crying and I can't lie there listening to DS scream and wait for DH to wake up.

I get that some men are not good at housework. I understand that he is tired (he is always falling asleep early, or having to have lie ins at the weekend due to tiredness). I am so resentful and angry all the time - I can't tell you how tired I am (you all know how tired I am because most of you have been there!) I play out arguments in my head and tell him that he needs to see what has to be done, not to wait for me to tell him. Don't get me wrong, if I ask him, he will (eventually) do it. But I've been waiting for him to take the broken microwave to the tip for over a month now - maybe he can't see it?! His standard phrase is 'I didn't notice/ see it/ think that it was important'. We've been together 13 years and I've had so many rows about this with him, he just apologises, is a bit better for a week and then goes back to his normal gormless self.

When I go back to work, I'll still have to do the cleaning/cooking/childcare (when they are not at childminders) as well as my full time job (teacher - so I'll have work at home as well). I'm not looking for sympathy, but I just don't know how to approach this any more. I am so sad and angry and fed up. I want to leave but can't because I couldn't do that to my daughter, she adores her father.
I'm not looking for a definitive answer (there probably isn't one), I think I just needed to rant but my heart is heavy and he's there in the other room, asleep in the chair after an afternoon at the football with his FIL.

Definitely enforce the one lie in each weekend for each person too. Wake him up if needs be, telling him baby is crying and it's time to get moving, or go and get baby then wake husband, pass him baby and say 'time to go downstairs' and go back to sleep. My advice would be to bag Saturday as otherwise it may not happen, at least to begin with.

SolidGold, I'm not sure he does view me like that. He might, but I've known him a long time. I just really do think he is clueless when it comes to housework and that it isn't important to him. I hope he doesn't view me like that - but even if he does, it still doesn't mean he'll help does it?

Don't tell him each time what to do.
Instead sit together for half hour and draw a plan/schedule for the household and what each person does. You can include the 5yr old child too in this.

How can you find a cleaner for one hour per week?

Re: cleaner - I don't know, I haven't looked into it! Will I have to get one for 2 hours minimum do you think? I (and my parents) have never had one

Oh sorry. Someone has mentioned making a list and pin.

Surely the problem here is that all the jobs belong to you. Sometimes you ask him to help but that just reinforces that the jobs are yours.

No. Some jobs must be his and his alone. For example, you do food (plan, shop, cook), he does laundry. Then you never ever do anything to rescue or help him out on his jobs, even if you have to wear bikini bottoms to work and stained trousers and secretly buy new socks in your lunch break that you leave at work and the DC go to school looking like urchins.

Gloopy, I had never, ever considered this. You must all think I'm a total tit.
I shall try this, combined with the list of mine/his chores and will stock up on clean underwear to keep at school ;-)

Could you try and build in some time before bed where you both buzz round and do some key jobs. Appreciate it can't be hoovering or a tip run, but could be kitchen tidying, bathroom, dusting etc etc. if you're both doing it together he might not mind so much?

I certainly don't think you're a tit. You fall into these patterns, especially when you're at home with children all day. My standards were very different when I was working full-time and never saw the house in daylight.

So I don't think that's necessarily right, SolidGold, to write him off as representative of chauvinist mankind. Though if he's not waking up when the baby's crying, yes, that says to me he thinks it's your job to get up with DS, OP; I take it in turns with my DH at weekends and I am able to tune out (with relief) when it's not my turn. Other than that, it sounds more like scattiness and differing standards to me - but even so it is unacceptable as you are so unhappy, OP. But you've had good advice from PPs so fingers crossed.

You said you'd leave but couldn't do that to your daughter?

Have you told him?

You also need to break out of the sulking/ignoring each other arguments. Because it leads to resentment and sets a bad example to your children.

Also re lie ins. Wake him up when baby wakes and send him down. Don't wait for him to get up and then seethe when he doesn't.

Great response from Linseed but do definitely get a cleaner .... if you can afford it get one now so you can enjoy the time more with your babies and at home.

I could have written this exact post - even down to the 12hr days & broken microwave!!

He does have jobs of his own that he does weekly ie hoovering, bins & will run any errand asked but his standards are so much lower than mine & he is stupidly messy & through other.

I'm back to work in May & I really need him to shape up! He spends way too much time faff imc on his phone & iPad, wastes so much time when I see millions if things to do that just pass him by.

So I'm following this for tips as well.

Iggly, you are right, we do need to have a more grown up approach to arguing. I do find it hard to ignore the baby/pass him over to DH, and I am always aware that he drives 3 hours a day and needs to be alert.
I need to take a deep breath, re-read this thread and then sit him down to talk through some ideas and hopefully this will help.

I follow Gloopy's stance with the washing up. When I met dh he would leave washing up for an entire week before doing it.

I now do everything to do with feeding the family apart from the washing up.

If he leaves the washing up not done, I just ignore it. It's really hard to ignore it sometimes, but I know that if I do the washing up, then somehow, the job will slide back to me again.

You're not ignoring if you've agreed a lie in though?

Also if your DH is that tired all the time could you move closer to his work, could he change job or has he been to the GP?

I was also going to suggest assign him some chores that are 'his'. DH has a few unloading the dishwasher, taking out the bins, doing his own laundry. This last is a good one if he doesn't do it, it doesn't impact on you! And I just quietly pile things beside the bins, inside if he has managed to forget to bring them out so many weeks in a row they're full. (Dishwasher is a problem -- I have to remind him constantly that it's done so I can fill it up).

We also have a cleaner (almost a whole year now!), which is a godsend. It became clear that DH simply was incapable of cleaning when I was pregnant and had SPD so bad I couldn't walk. He managed to feed us (barely), but had to hire a cleaner to keep the house sanitary (never mind tidy...). Back then we got one 2 hrs per fortnight -- I don't know that they ever do just 1 hour, but they can do 2 hours less frequently than 1/week.

You need to sit down and explain how things are making you feel and that you need his help.

We can't move closer at the mo as we've just bought a house. He has always said he will only stay there 2 years due to commute so should be starting to look for something in the next 6 months or so. However, there is a possibility of promotion in the next 6 months so I don't know what will happen. I have found a few local jobs but he has discounted them - I think he really likes this one and doesn't want to leave tbh. This is also annoying as I work in a really tough school and would love to leave to go somewhere more academic and less 'difficult' (if you see what I mean) but that would mean a commute and one of use needs to be close to childminder/school in case of emergency. Me again - although I love being closer to the DC so it isn't too much of a hardship

What does he do around the house and childcare

Linseed, lovely and very sound advice.

You need to set time to do chores together on a weekend. Usually on a Sunday one of us tackles upstairs and the other downstairs plus send the kids to their rooms to tidy (which involves lots of moaning as they are 5 and under). During the week I do all the other bits as dh is away so probably not that different from your dh long days. Dh washes and sorts his own clothes and i do the rest but even my 5 and 3 year old help by putting their laundry away after iv sorted it.

We takes turn to lie in. One gets sat and the other Sunday and no one goes near the person in bed until 10ish at the earliest (u have earplugs and 3dc and dh is blooming noisy).

How can a 'nice' man see his partner's exhaustion and misery and continue to do nothing in the way of housework? How can a nice man ignore or 'forget' or fuck up every single task he is asked to do?
Answer: because, nice though he may be in some ways (amusing, affectionate, generous with money or whatever) he has no intention of doing domestic work. That's what women are for. And he knows that his partner will do all the work, rather than leave it undone, all he has to do is ignore her distress. Indefinitely. Because she doesn't matter as much as he does.

Saturday morning wasnhousework morning, NOTING fun could be done till the hOuse was tidy.

I gathered ul a load of washing evety morning threw it downstairs hubby put it in the machine. I could see if it wasnt done as i had to walk over it.

Give him jobs that effect him if he doesn't do them, like washing, or even cooking, he has to prepare a slow cook meal for 3 days a week, so he can make them the night before and reheat the next night.

Empty the bins before work mon, tue wed, even if they are jot full.

As somebody else said he isnt doing you a favour these are his jobs.

And about lie ins the phrase "well by the time i woke him up i was awake anyway" must never pass your lips go back to bed, read a book, read netmums, go back to sleep. IT IS HIS TURN.

I'm struggling with this one. He does nothing at home based on his hard job and long commute but he refuses to work nearer. Even though there are jobs. You have to therefore work close because of the children, which means you have to work in a difficult and stressful job. And still do all the work.

Definitely take the advice on lists, defined chores and never ever stepping in yourself.

Also, pay attention to your language when you discuss this: it's a small thing, but I don't think the word 'help' belongs anywhere near the conversation. If you ask for help, you're admitting it's your job and asking for a favour. You actually want him to DO HIS FAIR FUCKING SHARE to care for your mutual home and your mutual children.

Personally, I'd also consider telling him I wanted to leave because the prospect of the rest of my life like this didn't appeal. He needs explicit proof of how high the stakes are (and if you kicked him out he'd have to do everything himself in his new place...).