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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

dh strops whenever expected to look after both kids for five minutes

69 replies

bedraggledmumoftwo · 17/01/2015 15:54

Just remembered i had left the food shopping, including raw meat, milk etc, in the car since before lunch. Took dd2(1) up to the bathroom where dh was with dd1(2.5). Exactly the same annoyed reaction as every time i ask him to look after them both, oh couldn't you wait five minutes until we came down? Well, no, because by then i might forget again and then all the food will go off in the car and we will get food poisoning. And he was entertaining a toddler on the toilet, ffs, not splitting the atom,and its not like i was handing him a sleeping newborn, i just sat a one year old on the floor next to him.

It drives me up the wall that whenever he needs to look after both of them i am expected to wait while he goes to the loo, has a shower, makes a coffee and gets ready. I, on the other hand, take one of them to the loo with me, and never get to shower let alone on my own. Getting in the kids bath is the only way i fit it in at all! He, on the other hand, stays in a hotel all week and expects these luxuries every day.

sorry for the rant, but aibu to expect a grown adult to be able to manage two toddlers for two minutes while i do something for all our benefit? And to do so with good grace?

OP posts:

greenfolder · 17/01/2015 15:56

yanbu at all.

when my older girls were little, if i wanted to go out shopping for example, dh would always ask which one are you taking with you?

sorted it out by telling him thought

Theboodythatrocked · 17/01/2015 15:57

Of course yanbu. What a twat!

FarFromAnyRoad · 17/01/2015 15:58

YANBU. He obviously hasn't grasped the concept that babies change lives. Forever. What would he do if you were, say, hospitalised or had to go away for a couple of days?

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway · 17/01/2015 16:00

stop asking him to look after them! That implies that it isn't his job, that he's doing you a favour.

He is their father. It absolutely is his job and he needs telling that it is.

Instead of please husband, would you mind looking after your children for a few minutes... say I am going to the car/out/hanging the washing/to the shop

If he complains, be incredulous that he a)thinks it's not part of being a father to take responsibility for his children and b) thinks he's doing you a favour if he does!

He needs a big dose of reality, and quick.

And don't fall for that 'not capable' shit. Women aren't born with a Childcare Chip that activates when we have a child. We learn. They learn. Just the same.

Enormouse · 17/01/2015 16:02

Yanbu. Dp will be having the DSes (3 and almost 1) for half the week from February onwards. We're both students and have lectures on different days.

He does a great job with both and managed more or less single handed when I was struggling with pnd and could barely get out of bed.

bakingaddict · 17/01/2015 16:05

You need to break out of this pattern while the kids are still young. Agree with Howcan you don't ask permission to take a shower you just tell him.

Obviously you don't change behaviour overnight but if he still refuses to support you and look after his own children in a few months time then you will have to look deeper at what your relationship is about

CleanLinesSharpEdges · 17/01/2015 16:06

YABU to ask him to look after the children. Take the child upstairs to him and tell him you need to empty the car. By asking him to look after his children you're making out like he's doing you some kind of favour. You need to start getting out more on your own when you can, even if just for half an hour,and leaving him with the children.

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/01/2015 16:11

Do what I do and shout, "you're on deck" as DD hurtles towards him. Then run. That only works if you both see the DC as both your responsibility.

When he says, "I have to have a shower/coffee/dress" say "yep, I do it every day with both of them, bye". And leave. "Couldn't you wait 5 minutes until we came down?". "No" and leave. It's a complete sentence don't you know...

Original poster

bedraggledmumoftwo · 17/01/2015 16:11

howcan i didn't ask, i literally dumped dd2 on the carpet, and said ive just got to run out and grab the shopping. I think he actually said something that suggested i had deliberately waited for three hours to pounce when he was trapped there (i guess as he could have gone himself otherwise?) I just said cant wait, needed to go in fridge hours ago and went. But really, what part of wiping a toddlers bum means you cant have another one to supervise at the same time? Nothing, i know, because I do it all the time!

After i went out, prompting a coughing fit as ive had the flu, and he came down, i told him he really needed to stop reacting like that every time, and that it made me want to bugger off for a weekend and leave him to manage. He said go on then. I went to the bathroom to sort out my cough and pull myself together because confrontations make me cry and he bundled them both into their coats and slammed the door, then sent me a text to say theyve gone to the park.

which would be a nice break except i am an angry emotional wreck from arguing and am not going to achieve anything with the time except ranting on here!

OP posts:

ghostyslovesheep · 17/01/2015 16:12

yes don't 'ask' him just act

say 'I'm off out for an hour see you later' and go

My ex only became a good hands on dad when we separated and he had no way of avoiding being alone with the 3 of them and having to do stuff with them - so just make it happen

Behooven · 17/01/2015 16:12

He sounds like an arsehole tbh

greenfolder · 17/01/2015 16:15

you dont need to acheive something with the time love.

sit on your arse on the sofa with something nice or take yourself off to bed.

esiotrot2015 · 17/01/2015 16:15

Well if he's really away every week all week then it might be a bit daunting
I'd suggest booking a few spa days or girls nights out & get him used to coping on his own

CleanLinesSharpEdges · 17/01/2015 16:17

When he gets back smile sweetly and tell him that he can make it a regular thing.

clam · 17/01/2015 16:17

This attitude from (some) men drives me insane. If he views looking after children as a chore, meaning he can't be expected to do it after he's "been working hard all week," then it means it counts as more 'work' in his view. So, if it's work when he has to do it, then so it is for you too. And he needs to explain why he thinks it's OK for you to do that 'work' 24/7 with no down-time off duty, when he has his own relaxation time.

Enormouse · 17/01/2015 16:17

He sounds like a knob.

Does he do any of the day to day stuff for the kids? Meals, dressing them, etc?

SurlyCue · 17/01/2015 16:18

Because im a bit of stirry fucker i would even tell him i was going to the car, i'd just deposit the child in the room and saunter on out. And i wouldnt even come to 'relieve' him again when i'd finished, i'd just go about my business. And i'd do it regularly even when i had nothing at all to do just to drive the point home that it wasnt my job by default.

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway · 17/01/2015 16:18

oh sorry, I got hold of the wrong end of the stick. When you said in your OP that he's like this whenever you ask him to have them, I thought you'd asked him.

I'd still say the same thing - tell him to get a grip, man up, understand he's a father and a fully functioning adult and his children are as much his responsibility as yours and he needs to grow the hell up and just deal with them. They aren't your job. Which is how he comes across to you and since you are sure that he does not mean to suggest that all things domestic are your duty, you are sure he will welcome this opportunity to bloody well change.

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway · 17/01/2015 16:19

and yeah, don't achieve anything! Make yourself a coffee and put your feet up. Enjoy some peace.

He's taken them out to the park at you. That'll show you, eh?

SurlyCue · 17/01/2015 16:19

wouldnt even tell him.

clam · 17/01/2015 16:20

And don't be thanking him for taking them to the park for an hour, either. Unless he regularly thanks and appreciates you for everything you do too. unlikely.

Vivacia · 17/01/2015 16:22

With this kind of set up it'd be very reasonable for him to take the children out for a couple of hours every Saturday. He must be missing them like anything during the week, and you must be very ready for a break.

Original poster

bedraggledmumoftwo · 17/01/2015 16:22

They are just coming in the front door, both screaming!

OP posts:

BlackDaisies · 17/01/2015 16:25

I would go out! Go to a coffee shop and have a big slice of cake and a full fat latte - leave a note saying - "hope you enjoyed the park - will be back in a couple of hours." If you don't you risk him returning as though he's done 5 weeks singlehanded childcare and not giving you another break til the summer. Then talk it through later when you've had time to calm down.

MrsMinton · 17/01/2015 16:27

Don't take one to the loo or shower anymore and go out even for an hour a weekend on your own.
My DH works away all week and he manages fine on his own. Yes he was a bit unsure at first but he just got on. You're a partnership.

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