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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sick of DH's "I go to work" bollocks?

64 replies

kissmyassdotcom · 16/01/2015 12:53

Please can someone tell me if I really need to let this go or if I am right to be pissed off?

WARNING!!! THIS MAY GET CONFUSING!! 10 YEARS WORTH OF RANTS TO FOLLOW!!!

DH has rheumatoid arthritis and in the past I have always thought how painful/restricting it must be for him.

Here is the BUT

I can watch my DH on many occassions, out in the bitter cold weather, work on his mates cars for 3 days flat, manually lifting car engine out and replacing them with a new ones, but he can't help with any kind of decorating/DIY at home because of his back etc (he also shrugged at me a few years ago and told me he just "didn't want to").

I constantly listen to him tell me all about his colleagues/bosses/friends wives and children, and how hard it is for them for blah blah blah reasons. He knows everything, about everything. I believe he is "golden balls" at work because he is sooooo helpful....bless..grrrrr. Yet he wouldn't have a clue about me or his own.

He wont work overtime because there isn't any (unless he needs to do a job on his car), then I have to listen to him telling me how cheeky his boss is because he expected them to come in on a sat morning to finish a rush job, please correct me if i'm wrong but would this not be classed as overtime?????

He can spend weeks at a time respraying mates cars, again as a favor, but if I put nail varnish on or off he can't breath because of his asthma!

I am fucking sick and tired of hearing how he confiscated some wobbly ladders of his nan before she hurt herself but its ok for me to teeter on the top of said ladders to decorate even when I was 8 months pregnant with both of my children while he sat on his arse watching scrapheap challenge because his back hurt. According to him I didn't have to do it....oh fucking really...well you point me in the direction of the person who will do it and I'll leave it. What he really meant was wait until you have a small baby to look after and do it then. Don't get me started on how he tells me what technique etc I should use, because he has so much experience.

Stays in bed until 1pm every sat and sun and then we spend the rest of the day being snapped at and listening to him huff and puff every 2 seconds because his back hurts, unless that is, there is a car show on and then he can manage to get up and out the door by 7.30 (but bless he will offer to take our youngest and then keep telling everyone how he took her to the car show for months afterwards).

He was constantly in trouble at school when younger for knobbing about, he can not write (and according to him it was because...yes you guessed it, he just "didn't want to", in fact he happily offers to do statements etc for his friends and then I have to write them because "I can't spell and my writings really messy". Meanwhile he will sit and shout at our son who has Asperger's and hypermobility syndrome and tell him he is lazy and stupid because he doesn't complete his work at school. I swear I could deck him when he does this!

What really pisses me off is that everyone thinks he is the best thing since sliced bread, everyone knows him and they think he is great, and I get treated like I have 2 heads even when they are meeting me for the first time.

After years of going around in circles it all stems to the fact that he "goes to work".

Is it me??? Is it because my dad made it clear when I was 10 that a woman is here purely to wash, cook, and clean which has made me so easily pissed of with men in general???? To be slightly green when my DB mentions on passing that he is doing a lobby for his missus and he's only just finished decorating???? OR AIBR to be annoyed by this?

OP posts:
FryOneFatManic · 16/01/2015 12:57

Why are you with him?

And your dad's opinion is probably why you are stuck with an idiot.

Miggsie · 16/01/2015 13:00

You are right - you do 90% of the unpaid shit work and your DH works at a paid job out of the house and does nothing else.

Why are you with him?

He's not bringing a lot to the table is he?

Find a bloke who doesn't mind ironing - they do exist.

ProbablyMe · 16/01/2015 13:01

You have my complete sympathy! My ExH was exactly like this - note he's now my Ex!!

NeedABumChange · 16/01/2015 13:01

YABU to have stayed with this fool for ten years and to bring children up with him influencing their young minds.

Ifyourawizardwhydouwearglasses · 16/01/2015 13:05

You don't sound like you like him very much. From what you've written I do t think I would either.

Why are you with him? How does he enhance your life?

PerpendicularVincenzo · 16/01/2015 13:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ilovesooty · 16/01/2015 13:05

You don't even like him by the sound of it and he doesn't bring anything to the relationship. So why are you still with him?

yummumto3girls · 16/01/2015 13:09

Sounds a bit rubbish for you OP. I think he needs a good talking to and a few ultimatums!! Yanbu!

LadyLuck10 · 16/01/2015 13:10

Why did you stay for ten years. He seemed to show his true colours at the beginning so why did you stick around.

wasabipeanut · 16/01/2015 13:10

Can't help agreeing that he's not really contributing to your or your DC's life in any positive way at all. I'd be making escape plans if I were you. It's sad but there comes a time when you need to cut your losses.

It just saddens me that there are so many fucking useless men out there.

Ifyourawizardwhydouwearglasses · 16/01/2015 13:12

No need to bash all of mankind though hmm?

Original poster
kissmyassdotcom · 16/01/2015 13:12

I made my bed and now I have to sleep in it.

He will take the house and my children if I call it a day in the past when I have tried to sit down and discuss it with him he has said I am welcome to go if I am not happy but the children stay and he is not leaving the house, even though it is my hard work and money which has got the house to the standard it is in now (I haven't always been a SAHM, and I just did more when I did work...I was physically/mentally exhausted). I believe that conversation ended in him trying to throw me in the garden....and there has been a few times before when he has done the same. Apparently I am a lodger in my own home...I have never felt so much of a nobody in my life. Yet everyone will oooo and cooo and tell me how lucky I am because he is so lovely, helpful, wonderful, goes to work and he worships the ground I walk on. Confused

I wonder sometimes if he has Aspergers but the more I watch him I don't think he has, he just doesn't do what he doesn't want to, and the arthritis is his free ticket.

OP posts:
wasabipeanut · 16/01/2015 13:18

Ok, so he's been physically violent by trying to throw you out into the garden? You know, I'm sure he couldn't just take the house and the children.

Could you at least seek some legal advice? One of my friends has been through all this - her ex threatened all sorts if she left but in the end she did get away and she still has her house and children - only the lazy, abusive bastard she mistakenly married has gone.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 16/01/2015 13:19

You would be showing your kids a better way of life if you weren't to hang around this person. He takes everything but gives nothing. He is influencing how your kids will see how to treat people by the way he is treating you.

Sit down with him and put it to him clearly that either he starts pulling his weight around the house for his family or his family will leave and he'll be on his own.

You are also a bit silly for getting up on a ladder at 8 months pregnant to do painting. There are professional painters that you could pay to do the job for you. If your Dh doesn't like other people coming in to do the jobs that you've already asked him to do, he loses his right to complain.

fuzzywuzzy · 16/01/2015 13:20

Is your name on the house as owner?

Get legal advice ASAP, then decide what you want to do.

Also sounds like you are the main carer, he is having a laugh if he thinks he gets to 'keep' the children.

If you were divorced you'd get child free time and he'd be forced to take care of the children on his own time (bet he'd get fed up with contact in a very short time).

Lifes too short to take the attitude of 'making ones bed..' crap, you can change it, it takes courage and a lot of fight. But you get your own space and calm and get to paint (or not) the way you want.

He sounds horrible. and no its not normal behaviour.

expatinscotland · 16/01/2015 13:21

He won't get all the house and kids. You are married, he can't throw you out. He's a cock. I wouldn't have had kids with him at all.

ilovesooty · 16/01/2015 13:22

You should be getting legal advice. He can't just "take the house and children"
We don't live in the 19th century any more.

LaurieFairyCake · 16/01/2015 13:22

Well you don't have to. Hmm

Call the police if he's physically threatening. File for divorce, sell the house, get an occupation order if possible.

Whining won't fix it Wink

He's a twat. You may not be able to make him leave but you can get divorced, you can start again.

And you're going to need ovaries of steel to put up with the bollovks coming your way from friends and family - because twatface wankstains got them well conned.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 16/01/2015 13:22

Are you married?
Why do you believe him when he says he will keep the kids and the house? It doesn't all rest on his say so you know.

morethanpotatoprints · 16/01/2015 13:23

There is no way he can stop you from taking your children, he has no right to.
If you want to leave call women's aid and they will help you.
Please don't listen to his lies and threats, he is nothing but a bully and emotionally and physically abusive too.

You poor love, you deserve better than this, and so do your children
What a complete arse he is OP

Hissy · 16/01/2015 13:25

Utter bollocks - you are married to him so have equal right to assets/family home.

If you are the SAHP, actually, you will have at least a 50/50 starting point when it comes to child residency.

Trying to threaten you, throwing you in the garden and making you walk on eggshells at home due to his lying in bed all day is not only bollocks, its abusive.

Abusers OFTEN like to appear like golden balls to everyone else, but we none of us know what really goes on at home when it's behind closed doors.

If you want to live differently, you are going to act differently, and you are going to have to be a bit brave (without putting yourself or your DC at risk)

If there is the merest of whiffs that he will manhandle you, call 999 and get him removed from the house.

THAT is the way you deal with abusive arses that won't do what they should do.

Call Woman's Aid please? get some support and advice. CAn you access financial statements etc?

Oh and your dad was an idiot and is mostly the one to blame for you putting up with being abused. How dare he erode your position as a human being like that.

tipsytrifle · 16/01/2015 13:27

As I read your story I was wondering if H was on the spectrum, maybe Aspergers. Then your last posts made me not care about that because what you're describing is an abusive relationship. He's draining you of what little joy you have left. Your utter resignation has left me absolutely aghast.

purplemurple1 · 16/01/2015 13:28

You should realy post on the realtionship board, lots or ladies there will be abel tto give you the advice you need to get this cock out of your life and get on with makin things better fo yourself.

ouryve · 16/01/2015 13:29

He'd soon realise the reality that if he took the children he'd have to get his arse out of bed in the morning and look after them. He's a bit of a bullshitty bully, isn't he?

Don't be intimidated by him because the reality of what he's threatening would be too much of a compromise for him and his chosen lifestyle. You haven't made your bed. You have a hell of a lot of life ahead of you (as do your kids)

Your proverbial size 6 needs to do some emergency proverbial chiropractic on his poor ickle arse. And if he gets violent on you, again, you need to call the police.

Hissy · 16/01/2015 13:29

What you need to do now is to start to get this shit on file with people.

Go and see your GP, ask for counselling, tell the GP that your H is controlling you and threatening you with violence, manhandling you etc. Make sure you say about being scared of him when he gets like that.

Every single time he is like this, go back to the GP and tell them, get it logged. If you have a HV with your DC, tell them too.

THIS way, when and if you need legal help to get this fucker where he needs to be, which is the very far side of Fuck, you will have the proof to get the legal aid you will need to do it.

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