To be sick of DH's "I go to work" bollocks?

[kissmyassdotcom]

Please can someone tell me if I really need to let this go or if I am right to be pissed off?

WARNING!!! THIS MAY GET CONFUSING!! 10 YEARS WORTH OF RANTS TO FOLLOW!!!

DH has rheumatoid arthritis and in the past I have always thought how painful/restricting it must be for him.

Here is the BUT

I can watch my DH on many occassions, out in the bitter cold weather, work on his mates cars for 3 days flat, manually lifting car engine out and replacing them with a new ones, but he can't help with any kind of decorating/DIY at home because of his back etc (he also shrugged at me a few years ago and told me he just "didn't want to").

I constantly listen to him tell me all about his colleagues/bosses/friends wives and children, and how hard it is for them for blah blah blah reasons. He knows everything, about everything. I believe he is "golden balls" at work because he is sooooo helpful....bless..grrrrr. Yet he wouldn't have a clue about me or his own.

He wont work overtime because there isn't any (unless he needs to do a job on his car), then I have to listen to him telling me how cheeky his boss is because he expected them to come in on a sat morning to finish a rush job, please correct me if i'm wrong but would this not be classed as overtime?????

He can spend weeks at a time respraying mates cars, again as a favor, but if I put nail varnish on or off he can't breath because of his asthma!

I am fucking sick and tired of hearing how he confiscated some wobbly ladders of his nan before she hurt herself but its ok for me to teeter on the top of said ladders to decorate even when I was 8 months pregnant with both of my children while he sat on his arse watching scrapheap challenge because his back hurt. According to him I didn't have to do it....oh fucking really...well you point me in the direction of the person who will do it and I'll leave it. What he really meant was wait until you have a small baby to look after and do it then. Don't get me started on how he tells me what technique etc I should use, because he has so much experience.

Stays in bed until 1pm every sat and sun and then we spend the rest of the day being snapped at and listening to him huff and puff every 2 seconds because his back hurts, unless that is, there is a car show on and then he can manage to get up and out the door by 7.30 (but bless he will offer to take our youngest and then keep telling everyone how he took her to the car show for months afterwards).

He was constantly in trouble at school when younger for knobbing about, he can not write (and according to him it was because...yes you guessed it, he just "didn't want to", in fact he happily offers to do statements etc for his friends and then I have to write them because "I can't spell and my writings really messy". Meanwhile he will sit and shout at our son who has Asperger's and hypermobility syndrome and tell him he is lazy and stupid because he doesn't complete his work at school. I swear I could deck him when he does this!

What really pisses me off is that everyone thinks he is the best thing since sliced bread, everyone knows him and they think he is great, and I get treated like I have 2 heads even when they are meeting me for the first time.

After years of going around in circles it all stems to the fact that he "goes to work".

Is it me??? Is it because my dad made it clear when I was 10 that a woman is here purely to wash, cook, and clean which has made me so easily pissed of with men in general???? To be slightly green when my DB mentions on passing that he is doing a lobby for his missus and he's only just finished decorating???? OR AIBR to be annoyed by this?

He'd take the kids? HA FUCKING HA. Because he does sooooooooo much for them now, I'm sure he'd LOVE to spend 5+ nights a week in sole charge.

He's blustering to control you.

Well no, I thought all assets divided and the mother generally gets custody?

Maybe subliminally you have sought to recreate the same relationship as your mum and dad, so now are with a man like your dad?

How would he cope with the house and the kids if you left, considering he cant manage to do even the simplest tasks when you're there? He is delusional if he thinks he would be able to carry out his threat of keeping the house and the children so don't let that stop you.
Instead think about the attitudes you want your children to grow up with? Do you want your children to treat a future partner like your are being treated? Or would it be worse for them to be treated like you are by a future partner? I think you owe it to them and yourself to put a stop to this.

Why are you with him?

Don't rant about this -- do something. From what you have posted, this isn't a relationship worth having. As others have advised, get on the Relationships board for starters and begin to build a happier life for you and your children. Ranting won't change anything, you need to harness that anger into something practical.

Christ, x-posted. Nope, you do not have to stay in this situation. You do not. It is nowhere near as much of a fait accompli as you are presenting it as.

Call Women's Aid. You don't need to martyr yourself and your children to this misery any longer.

It doesn't matter one bit what 'other people' think of him. If they rate him just a bit lower than the angels is neither here nor there. They don't see him as you do. And what your daft dad said about 'a woman's place' etc is also by the by. What really matters is YOU, and what you think of him, how you feel and the life you're leading.
If you're very unhappy, fed-up and angry with his attitude, then you have every right to change your life and move on.
I'm sure, as others have said, that some financial settlement would be made regarding housing and income etc. It would be tough at first and need courage on your part, but after the dust settles, most women are hugely relieved to have got away from a rotten life, and you would be too.

I think you know what you should do.

I think you know that things won't change.

He is a selfish twat and you should leave. But if you are needing us to tell you that then you probably won't go as you must know all this already.

See a solicitor. Or stay as you are.

His reason for doing it was that he has to get me away from him otherwise he will do something he regrets. I think as the years go by I am growing to resent him more and more TBH because of all the little things adding up.

Watchcha the house we were living in at the time was like a doss hole, he got it with cheap rent from a friend of a friend. The floors and walls were stained with what I hope was beer etc. I couldn't bring a baby into a disgusting house like that regardless of if he would of noticed or not. I couldn't afford to get anyone in. Then when I did it again we had just moved into another house and the previous owners must of been really heavy smokers...everywhere was yellow and stunk. We paid half each towards the bills, the rest of his money went on the pub or tools from snap-on(not because he needed them but because his dad has got lots of tools in his garage!), the rest of mine went on shopping, carpets etc etc....and even then I had taken over his house and I was supposed to be a lodger.

I know all men are not like this, I have 2 brothers who wash, cook, clean, decorate, garden, look after the DC and go to work.

I am glad that I am not the only one who thinks that to just go to work is how it should be. I don't even see it in his dad, he gardens and he always did the decorating etc. So I can't even say it was something he grew up with IYSWIM?

While out shopping last night my DS asked me out of the blue if dad thinks he is more important than me. When I asked him why he was asking he just said because he acts like he is more important. I didn't continue the conversation because I believe he does think he is more important.

Get to a solicitors. Find out your rights. Then give him the wake up call he deserves.

And if he lays a finger on you in anger again, call the police. In fact, tell him no wthatthat is what you will be doing

You're waking up.

If you had dared to answer your son's highly astute question, what would you have said?

You're utterly beaten down dotcom but don't seem open to the idea that you might be able to change your life for the better. H would not get DC and house. No doubt he'd kick up a stink along the way, but if it wasn't for you placating, accepting and enduring hell he'd be doing that anyway. How long can you carry on like this? What are you showing your DS about relationships?

I was going to say maybe a way forward would be to concentrate on a few priorities eg way he talks to the children, getting up at the weekend before mid-day, a few other things that are real essentials, and maybe to let go of the DIY issues - I can see why anyone might feel that taking that on is beyond them especially with RA, a young family, and yes a job.

But that was before I read the bit about him trying to throw you into the garden when you raised issues with him before. That's not good at all. I know it can be hard to know when too much is too much, and too little is too little. My thoughts are with you as you consider the best way forward for you and your DC. Good luck!

He had to get you out in case "he does something he regrets?" Jesus wept. Please get legal advice asap.

His reason for doing it was that he has to get me away from him otherwise he will do something he regrets. I think as the years go by I am growing to resent him more and more TBH because of all the little things adding up.

that is a threat. make no mistake.

Your child is noticing too. you can't delay this.

He is abusive, just in case you were wondering or in denial.

You need to plan and get yourself into a better position.

BTW my Ex was Golden and all loved him. Everyone thought I was a miserable cow. Then I left him and months later a mutual friend said to me, "you're so happy now. You used to be angry all the time". And I was. Sometimes people are more clever than you give them credit for. They can see deeper than you think.

I cant see you are getting anything out of this relationship - from what you write, you sound like an unpaid skivvy

Go get some legal advise, you have more rights than you know, and if you have to leave the house, you'll still be fine - just see how he likes looking after DS and doing housework without you there.

You and your DCs deserve more than this - NO ONE deserves to feel like shit in their own home

there are good men out there (i have one!)

You know he's threatening you with more violence with all the "I'm pushing you out before I do something I regret" bollocks.

This man is awful. You are waking up to it, thank fuck. Get thee to a solicitor. You have more rights than you think. And so do your children.

The fact that everyone else thinks he is great is why I needed someone to tell me if it was just me being a petty nag because that's what I feel I am.

I know what I need to do and there is no doubt in my mind that there will be a lot of back lash not only from DH but also from his family and all of his buddies.

I think the fact that my DC write "To mum" in their dads fathers day cards says it all really.

First I think it's time to get working again. I can't do much else if I'm not.

kill him

One of the things that kept me sane (but angry) was, when things were in conflict, thinking, "if I went out into the street right now and asked the first 10 people, what would they think?". What would they think about a man shoving his wife? About you up a ladder at 8 months pregnant?

My X was like this. I needed some new clothes (hadn't had any for a few years) but he 'couldn't afford any'. He had new clothes for himself though 'because he had to go to work'. There were other problems as well, of course.

When I'd had enough, he was almost on his knees begging me not to divorce and I actually saw tears but I knew they were for effect. He just didn't want to lose the services that I provided. Tough - I'd had enough. Go for it OP and never mind what other people think. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors.

I have Joint hypermobility syndrome (undiagnosed) in fact I just thought I was weird until my son was diagnosed last year wanted to throw the towel in when I was 18 and again when I was 24. I am now showing signs of Osteoarthritis, hip popping out of joint, knees grinding feel like they are on fire, fingers twisting, unable to open jars, no sleep during the night because I wake up in agony with my back, legs and neck I pop some co-codamol and get on with it. This has never stopped me from getting up at 5.30 when my DC were babies or every morning for the past 10 years since, whether working 13 hour shifts or not.

In the past I have practically begged my DH for some help and he has never done anything more than he does now.

Oh dear now I'm getting angry again...round and round we go.

I have spoken to him, argued with him and he will never change because NO nobody will ever be as important than him.

Angry is good. Angry is motivating. If you do nothing with it, it is very unhealthy. So plan, talk to Women's Aid, get some free solicitor time, work out how to get evidence of your contribution and his abuse.

Don't bother begging and pleading with him, he's not interested and doesn't care.

Op, I wish you well with extricating yourself from this. Bit by bit you will do tho. Good luck, you are in the right place for support and advice

You shouldn't have to put up with this.

I hope you can find a way out soon.

Don't let him scare you into thinking he"ll get the house and kids. You have rights. Get some legal advice if it will make you feel better.