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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this doesn't make DP "controlling"?

53 replies

Fanfeckintastic · 16/01/2015 10:26

Dp is the most laid back person, encourages me to do what I like, see friends, doesn't bat an eyelid if I want to go away for a weekend with friends, very encouraging of my work and bends over backwards to support me in anything I do.

I've been really wanting to save for a car and have been taking lessons as it's so tough through the winter getting DD to playschool then walking 40mins to work etc and DP has to leave for work earlier to commute and works long days so I have to do all drop offs and collections on my own as I'm part time.

The other night he surprised me with a lovely little car and I was absolutely over the moon!! Though one friend in particular is really putting a dampner on it for me. I happened to mention that I'm more determined to learn now because I'd hate him to see the car he so thoughtfully bought for me just sitting there wasted (which did happen with a car I bought myself a couple of years ago ) and my friend has been saying things like "that's a bit controlling though don't you think?", "you have to learn for yourself not for him" and "I think it's a bit unfair putting that pressure on you"

He hasn't put any pressure on me at all, I was under more pressure doing lessons and having nothing to practice in!

Surely none of this is in any way controlling but I seem to get tongue tied when she spouts this stuff

OP posts:

SaucyJack · 16/01/2015 10:27

I can only assume she has her own ishoos.

Buying you a car seems like a perfectly decent thing to do to me.

Only1scoop · 16/01/2015 10:28

Yanbu....

Sounds like you want to learn to drive anyway....so don't understand why she thinks this 'incentive' is controlling.

Labtest7 · 16/01/2015 10:28

I don't see how this can be seen as in any way controlling. Maybe she is jealous.

TwitterWooooo · 16/01/2015 10:30

I personally think it's a lovely thing to do, like oh, it's cold outside it would be so nice if "fanfecking" didn't have to walk 40 minutes to work. She is jealous, and if your do buys you a nice item of clothing or a piece of jewellery is that controlling? Because he is telling you what to wear. ??

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway · 16/01/2015 10:30

I agree. Bit of the green eyed monster I think.

Perhaps you could say that actually, you don't find it controlling. You find it supportive and generous and that you feel insulted both for yourself and on his behalf that she has chosen the most negative interpretation of something you are actually pretty damned pleased about.

WorraLiberty · 16/01/2015 10:30

He hasn't put any pressure on me at all, I was under more pressure doing lessons and having nothing to practice in!

Because that ^^ is your answer, then no he's not controlling.

If however it did put pressure on you, or he started to nag about the car going to waste, then your friend would be right.

Instead of getting tongue tied, just make it clear that this has not put pressure on you.

If she can't accept that, tell her to change the subject because you're not going to agree and it's none of her business anyway.

Hairtodaygonetomorrow · 16/01/2015 10:31

Do you feel controlled?

Nope, so it's her issue. Sounds like your husband is massively supportive of you, how lovely.

TwitterWooooo · 16/01/2015 10:31

"Do" = dp.

LineRunner · 16/01/2015 10:33

You were having lessons anyway.

You need to practise. So this is helpful.

She does sound jealous.

ApprenticeViper · 16/01/2015 10:33

YANBU. It's not controlling behaviour when you're already taking driving lessons and have talked about saving up for a car. If you'd never mentioned wanting to learn to drive, or had said that you didn't want to learn, and were happy with walking to do all the playschool drop-offs and pick-ups, then your DP presenting you with a car would be a bit

Your friend is over-thinking it.

Nocturne123 · 16/01/2015 10:33

Yadnbu , how lovely

Letmeeatcakecakecake · 16/01/2015 10:34

Me thinks that she's a teeney weeney little bit jealous! I think it's a lovely thing for your OH to do. :-)

formerbabe · 16/01/2015 10:35

I can't see how anyone could interpret that as "controlling"! Definitely jealous!

molyholy · 16/01/2015 10:36

She is definitely jealous

Cluffyflump · 16/01/2015 10:37

Where did he get the money from? If you had to save up but he could go out and just buy one then do you really have equal access to family money? Also is it the style of car you had told him you wanted?
I'm only asking because you asked for opinions here. If you were my friend in rl, I would just be pleased for you.

In any case, enjoy your car and driving lessons. I learnt to drive post DC and it is the best!

StickyProblem · 16/01/2015 10:37

Wouldn't you rather have chosen your own car though, once you'd passed? "Controlling" is a bit strong but I know what she means.
Good luck with the driving!

chocolateorsalad · 16/01/2015 10:37

YANBU. I don't know why your friend is pissing on your chips. DP has done a nice thing and it's a great incentive for you to keep up the lessons. And now you can use your money towards something else rather than a car. Sounds like your friend has her own issues or as Labtest said, she's jealous.

I have a friend a bit like this. DP was bit of an inconsiderate idiot in the past but has been bloody great over the past few years. But friend never lets me forget. If he does something nice she'll say, "Oh what's he trying to make up for then?" rather than accept that perhaps he is just a nice bloke and wants to make me happy. Really puts a downer on it.

DustyBedhead · 16/01/2015 10:40

Like others have said it's jealousy...next time tell her " that shade of green really suits you".

tilliebob · 16/01/2015 10:41

It's green cheese - she's jealous as hell!

Original poster

Fanfeckintastic · 16/01/2015 10:44

I have said don't be so ridiculous it's not controlling in the slightest, but it's really hard to sound calm and easy going when I find it quite enraging.
It feels like I'm playing a passive aggressive little game in school where nobody is saying how they really feel.

There's just no way she thinks he's controlling, she knows him and I wish she'd just come out and say what she's really thinking. Whether it's that she thinks for pride/independence sake I should have just gotten one myself. She's the same with another friend whose partner sends her flowers to work for Valentine's etc, she always makes remarks that it's usually cheaters that do this. Again, she knows friends partner, was at their wedding last year and there's nothing to suggest this!

OP posts:

Crinkle77 · 16/01/2015 10:45

Yeah she sounds jealous to me. Perhaps her partner isn't so thoughtful and she trying to rain on your parade.

DustyBedhead · 16/01/2015 10:47

Hmm, I"d rather be without a 'friend' like that.

cailindana · 16/01/2015 10:50

She sounds very jealous.

On the upside your DP is lovely :)

WooWooOwl · 16/01/2015 10:54

Is this friend single, or one that has been treated badly by men in the past?

I know a couple of single women who can never see the good in anything a man does and who try to put a downer on any positives that other people get from their relationships.

It's usually because they are jealous. Not neccesarily jealous of the relationship, although sometimes they may be, but sometimes it's jealousy that a female friend has someone more important to them then their female friends.

sashh · 16/01/2015 10:54

Wat a complete bastard your husband is, buying you a car and supporting you and..................

Bloody hell he sounds lovely, ditch your 'friend'

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