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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this doesn't make DP "controlling"?

53 replies

Fanfeckintastic · 16/01/2015 10:26

Dp is the most laid back person, encourages me to do what I like, see friends, doesn't bat an eyelid if I want to go away for a weekend with friends, very encouraging of my work and bends over backwards to support me in anything I do.

I've been really wanting to save for a car and have been taking lessons as it's so tough through the winter getting DD to playschool then walking 40mins to work etc and DP has to leave for work earlier to commute and works long days so I have to do all drop offs and collections on my own as I'm part time.

The other night he surprised me with a lovely little car and I was absolutely over the moon!! Though one friend in particular is really putting a dampner on it for me. I happened to mention that I'm more determined to learn now because I'd hate him to see the car he so thoughtfully bought for me just sitting there wasted (which did happen with a car I bought myself a couple of years ago Blush) and my friend has been saying things like "that's a bit controlling though don't you think?", "you have to learn for yourself not for him" and "I think it's a bit unfair putting that pressure on you"

He hasn't put any pressure on me at all, I was under more pressure doing lessons and having nothing to practice in!

Surely none of this is in any way controlling but I seem to get tongue tied when she spouts this stuff Confused

OP posts:
DiseasesOfTheSheep · 16/01/2015 10:57

Well, as a bit of a car enthusiast, I wouldn't be overly pleased unless the car was spot on what I wanted... But then, any DP of mine would probably know that and either involve me in the car buying or make sure it was spot on Grin I understand many people are more interested in the functionality of the car, and would therefore be made up to receive any (suitable) car and avoid the hassle of buying. I think it's a charming thing for your DP to have done and your "friend" can go do one!

PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom · 16/01/2015 10:57

Does she mean the finances - how come you needed to save for a car and he could just pop out and buy one? From that point of view, I can kind of see her point.

Or is there an explanation for the money bit?

SurlyCue · 16/01/2015 10:58

Yanbu. I'll bet anything she's the jealous type and there will have been other times shes done things like this. You have to look at the overall picture and what you have described is in no way controlling. He's done a lovely thing to make your daily life a little bit easier. Thats what partners do- they support each other. Driving is a goal you have set yourself, he is doing his bit to help you achieve it. It would be like you purchasing books he needed for a degree course or arranging a surprise flying course if he was saving up for flying lessons.

Original poster
Fanfeckintastic · 16/01/2015 11:00

I'm feeling like this is the straw that might break the camels back actually.

DP was a stay at home dad for the first two years of DDs life because it made a lot more sense financially, I was on better money and I had just lost my DM and really think DP was better with DD in the first year. I worked with this "friend" at the time and she was constantly chipping away at me asking did it not bother me that he couldn't afford to whisk me away, buy me things etc. So I feel like I can't really win. Her negativity is becoming so apparent.

The reason I had to save and he didn't is simply because he got paid that day and I'm a bit more frivolous than he is.

OP posts:
WooWooOwl · 16/01/2015 11:03

She doesn't sound anything like a normal definition of a friend, this is more of a time when the word 'for enemy' makes sense. Friends are happy for each other when good stuff happens.

PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom · 16/01/2015 11:06

Fair enough then. Smile

Original poster
Fanfeckintastic · 16/01/2015 11:09

Also (okay I'm totally venting now but it feels so good!) Anytime he does anything nice she'll say "well you supported him for long enough so it's only right"

I can't imagine that being an okay statement if it was about a SAHM!

She's single and very bitter, but she did have an online relationship with a solider in Afghanistan who turned out to be a fake, a married man in a fantasy world but during this time she compared all our workmates relationships to her one and how all our partners didn't even compare, how she was glad she never settled and how Irish men were the worst of the worst and she pitied us all dreadfully!

OP posts:
AngelDreams · 16/01/2015 11:11

Bollocks - you were learning to drive and he has bought you a lovely present to help you out

Is my DH controlling when he buys me crochet wool in green? no.....

Only1scoop · 16/01/2015 11:12
Grin
AngelDreams · 16/01/2015 11:13

he was supporting you too, when you were working, my DH is a SAHP and i can work all the hours i need to without worrying about the Dcs and food and cleaning etc, its his job...

You're so right - if it was the other way round, and he was a SAHM grrr

SurlyCue · 16/01/2015 11:13

at the time and she was constantly chipping away at me asking did it not bother me that he couldn't afford to whisk me away, buy me things etc. So I feel like I can't really win. Her negativity is becoming so apparent.

Yep, just as i thought. She's a shit stirrer. Ive worked with people like this. Not sure what motivates them but it helps to remin yourself that it is very much their issue and no reflection on your relationship.

WannaBe · 16/01/2015 11:16

He bought you a car? leave the bastard! Grin

seriously, your "friend" sounds like one of those types who will never be happy until everyone else is as miserable as she is.

ConfusedInBath · 16/01/2015 11:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stripedtortoise · 16/01/2015 11:42

She's jealous. Good luck with the driving OP! :)

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 16/01/2015 11:52

She is jealous and bitter. How draining she must be. I'd just say "give it a rest" everytine she starts on one of these rants, but I think I couldnt entertain a friendship like this.

You and your DH sound like you have a great relationship.

iklboo · 16/01/2015 11:55

Make her an ODFOD badge. You could warm your hands on the waves of envy coming off her.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 16/01/2015 12:01

One of the best things I ever heard which has helped me so much is this: people are either radiators (they warm you up) or drains (they drain the joy out of you). Your friend is a drain, one of those people who never have a good word to say about anything.

I still have a few drains in my life but I nod and smile now and don't let their negativity get to me. I've also ditched a few and made room for some lovely new radiators...

Icimoi · 16/01/2015 12:08

Possibly off the point, but what happened with the car you bought yourself? I'm wondering whether she might just be interpreting the fact that you bought a car but didn't use it as meaning you don't really want to drive.

RedSoloCup · 16/01/2015 12:14

My DH bought me a car when I was learning, so lovely of him.

My ex was controlling, he didn't want me to drive at all as I would then be 'too independent' and wouldn't rely on him enough!!

thatsenoughelsa · 16/01/2015 14:57

Driving gives you so much more freedom and independence (speaking as someone who didn't learn until my late 20's and now wish I'd done it years ago) so if your DP was "controlling" I doubt he'd be encouraging you to drive. He has done a sweet, generous thing and your friend is trying to twist it into something unpleasant. The only motive I can think of for this is jealousy. It's sad really, she must be very insecure or unhappy.

lem73 · 16/01/2015 15:02

She's jealous. Ignore her.

BoomBoomsCousin · 16/01/2015 15:22

How does having your own car help you practice if you don't have a license? Don't you need him (and presumably his car) to practice anyway?

But YANBU to think it isn't controlling to give you a car.

MonstrousRatbag · 16/01/2015 15:46

I can't stand it when people behave as though stay at home parents are somehow outrageous freeloaders. It is incredibly annoying

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 16/01/2015 15:53

She's jealous, ignore her.

Good luck with the lessons!

notonyourninny · 16/01/2015 15:54

I think its lovely.