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AIBU?

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Original poster

To wish that people would stop bloody asking...

75 replies

Orangeisthenewbanana · 15/01/2015 16:20

"So, do you think you'll have another one (child)?"

Arrrghhh! Getting this on average about 4 times a week at the moment. What do you want me to say? "Yes, we're having plenty of sex, thank you, in the hope of getting upduffed!? Or "yes, we'd actually love to be expecting another baby after 6 months of trying, and you asking is like another punch in the gut that it hasn't happened yet."

I know it's just because DD is 2, and a lot of people have that sort of age gap. I know I'm hormonal and at the end of my tww, and mentally preparing for another disappointment. I especially know that 6 months ttc is not really that long! But every month it gets harder to be casual about it when you ask.

So please just mind your own business and don't.

And BREATHE. Wine

OP posts:
MerdeAlor · 15/01/2015 16:35

People are arses. Somethings should never be asked in general chit chat and this is one of them.
Thing is, if you tell people you are TTC they'll say aww, relax and it'll happen. Equally annoying IMO.
Plan a witty but devastating retort and promise yourself you'll say it next time someone asks.

Sternin · 15/01/2015 16:38

YANBU. It's a standard small-talk question, i think, but one that is actually pretty personal, if you stop to think about.

On a slightly related note, I remember making small talk with a workman. He mentioned he had triplets, and I very nearly asked if they were conceived via IVF! Managed to stop myself after the "were they..." and convert it into a question about their sexes. Just an example of the stupid things that can come out of your mouth without thinking. Grin

Good luck, by the way, OP. Flowers Anything longer than a month is too long when TTC!

FightOrFlight · 15/01/2015 16:40

Tell them "soon" as you're planning to kidnap one next week. Then look creepily at their DD/DS.

< worked for me >

MrsTawdry · 15/01/2015 16:43

People are SO rude! I hate this OP. I'm 42 and lately people have been asking me "Do you think you'd ever have another?" and I have 2...I know it's because I'm coming to that kind of age when people sometimes have a last try...but bog off!

By the way...have you tried the egg white mucus method?

JoanHickson · 15/01/2015 16:46

Who are these people, do you have to see them weekly?

Me624 · 15/01/2015 16:49

in a similar vein, I am sick of people asking me when DH and I will have our first dc. We've been married 3.5 years which seems to be a long time in most people's books so the questions have significantly increased in the last year or so. In fact we have been trying for about 10 months now and nothing has happened yet!!! But obviously I don't want to tell them that and just have to give vague answers like oh yes we want them at some point, not sure when, I'm focusing on my career at the moment ...

Having said all of that I'm sure I've carelessly asked people in the past - until you're trying yourself it just seems like harmless small talk.

nicenewdusters · 15/01/2015 16:51

I used to say, to whoever it was who asked, "Oh, you'll be the first to know."

This threw them if they weren't very close to me, and made some realise I was being sarcastic.

If it was a close friend/relative, they seemed to take it as a compliment (even if I knew they were about 57th on the list of who to tell).

It is just chit chat, but also very personal and intrusive.

Coffeethrowtrampbitch · 15/01/2015 16:54

That is rubbish, I'm sorry you are feeling bad because other people are rude.

I had lots of comments when my kids were younger, as there is only 18 months between ds1 and dd, and 25 months between dd and ds2. Lots of 'don't you know what contraception is' comments.

I wanted to scream that ds1 took nearly four years to conceive, we thought we would never have another, and I was happier being knackered and up to my knees in babies than any of the months where I thought I would never have my own child.

Ignore people who are bugging you, they have just engaged their mouth without using their brain. Good luck TTC!

treaclesoda · 15/01/2015 16:57

I'm with you OP, I think it's staggeringly rude to question people on their intentions with regards to having children, and it amazes me that people think it is something that is a suitable topic for idle chat. If you want to make small talk with someone talk about the weather, or admire their scarf or something. I had no fertility problems thankfully but I watched dear friends die a little when some nosey arse started asking them if they would like children someday, and it happened regularly. Sad

Fabulous46 · 15/01/2015 16:58

I had the opposite, people used to ask me if we had a tv Angry. When we decided to stop at 4 children (as I had 4 under age 6), I kept being asked when we were having more Shock you can't win!

treaclesoda · 15/01/2015 16:59

I have a friend with a large family with small age gaps. She has no TV. I never saw the connection before GrinWink

fatherpeeweestairmaster · 15/01/2015 17:00

It's part of The Cycle of Womanhood.

If you are just married: "Are you planning on having a baby soon?'
If you have one baby: "Are you planning on having another soon?"
If you have two sons: "Are you planning on trying for a little girl?'
If you have two daughters: "Are you planning on trying for a little boy?"
If you have three daughters/sons: "Ooh, was that planned?"
If you have no children and are under 40: "Are you thinking of IVF/ASC/AI?"
If you have no children and are over 40: "Why didn't you want to have children?"

Yes, it's just chit-chat and for the vast majority of the population, it's harmless and slightly intrusive a conversation nearly everyone can join in. Sadly, for those it doesn't apply to, it's disproportionately painful. So I never ever ask any questions about family plans unless they're raised by the other person first!

42bunnytails1 · 15/01/2015 17:01

YADNBU
I always remember the first thing my cousin said to me at her wedding party (sort of cousin I only ever see at family events years apart) was

"When's the baby due?"
Floored her beautifully when I said "February"

But three months earlier, after well over a year of trying, I would have wanted to burst into tears and it would have spoilt the evening.

It may be just making conversation, but I know far too many people who have had a very difficult time to think it's something you should ask.

And may those waiting for lines see them very soon Flowers

sebsmummy1 · 15/01/2015 17:03

Oh god I feel your pain. I was asked that question pretty soon after my miscarriage and promptly burst into tears. People should just keep their mouth zipped.

Tobeemoree · 15/01/2015 17:06

YANBU. As someone who managed to have our only DD after 5.5yrs, I used to find it heartbreaking. Now I'm considerably more blunt about it, and tell people that we can't have any more children (and I'm very aware of just how lucky we are to have been able to have her).

If it helps anyone else to not be asked that bloody question, so much the better.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 15/01/2015 17:06

I was saying to my DF the other day, when you buy a new house people don't immediately start saying 'oh, when will you buy another house?'. It only happens with DC and it's so intrusive.

I only have one and apparently (because I only ever wanted one) that's fair game for a big discussion too...

YackityUnderTheMistletoe · 15/01/2015 17:09

It's people thinking they're being really clever by talking about something more interesting than the weather and not realising what intrusive arses they're being.

If you are upset by it, look at them with a very steady gaze, and say 'that's a rather personal question, don't you think?'. If you REALLY want to embarrass the crap out of them you can follow it up with 'Which particular aspects of our bedroom behaviour would you like me to detail?'

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 15/01/2015 17:12

I've had this question, although much less now. DD is 7 and I'm quite happy having just her.

But it is rude, especially when you have no idea if people can have children or might have had a miscarriage.

bubalou · 15/01/2015 17:13

People are dicks and don't think.

I'm now 20 weeks pg with dc2 now that DS is 6.5 years old! Yeah that means I have also been asked every weeks for the last 6.5 years of my life!!! Confused

This was my choice however, we didn't want to have another one until now but what if that wasn't the case?

I don't think many of you will appreciate the language but my friend who is so lovely went through a torturous 6 years of failed ttc and one particular twat woman at her work (who was fully aware of ttc problems as friend had time off for IVF) used to ask her in front of others ALL the time - knowing what agony she had ttc! Always smirking and saying things like 'oh god my 3 year olds keeping me up, you're lucky you don't have to worry about that' ShockShockShock

One day she asked again with a smug look saying 'not up duff yet then' to which my friend replied - no, my c**t doesn't work properly so I'm going to buy a cat instead' and walked off!!! GrinGrinGrin

Paha, the bitch never asked again and a couple months later my friend fell pregnant. Smile

FatimaLovesBread · 15/01/2015 17:18

Arghhh YANBU. DD was two at the end of last year and we've been getting the same question since she turned one. We had IVF to conceive DD and so it's very likely we won't ever have a second. It's so infuriating. And what's worse is half the people who ask, know how much we struggled to have DD in the first place so really should know better

farewellfigure · 15/01/2015 17:20

My DS is 6 and I'm 42. I would have thought that gave out quite a clear signal that he's going to be the only one, but no... people STILL ask. It's unbelievably rude.

20 years ago when I was horribly young and didn't know any better, I asked my boss whether she wanted any more children. She had one DS who was about 4. She very candidly said that she and her DH had been trying for 3 years to no avail. I was utterly ashamed of myself for asking such a personal question... and to my BOSS for goodness sake. What was I thinking? It taught me a very good lesson that you just don't ask... ever. Maybe you could try something like her tactic. Just very honestly and openly say that you're trying but that at the moment you're not having much luck. There's no need to even say it nastily. The person will probably be completely taken aback and ashamed of themselves for prying.

I feel for you by they way. It took 2 yrs of TTC before DS came along and it was utterly heartbreaking.

Seriouslyffs · 15/01/2015 17:31

People are extraordinarily rude. I obviously have a complete bitch face though as no ones ever asked me!

EbwyIsUpTheDuff · 15/01/2015 17:33

"that's between me, my partner, and my doctors, don't you think?"

or "I cannot imagine why you think you need to know that" usually shuts them up.

Andrewofgg · 15/01/2015 17:34

I had a colleague who when asked why she had no children looked the questioner straight in the eye and said

Well, you see, while my mother was pregnant with me she went to a wise woman who assured her that if I had a baby it would be the spawn of Satan and would involve the entire world in a nuclear cataclysm so I have thought it better not to risk it, do you think I'm right?.

Change it to

Well, you see, while I was pregnant I went to a wise woman who assured me that if I had another baby it would be the spawn of Satan and would involve the entire world in a nuclear cataclysm so I think it better not to risk it, do you think I'm right?

That will shut them up.

Original poster
Orangeisthenewbanana · 15/01/2015 17:54

Thank you for all your lovely replies! Sorry that so many of you have had the same - especially after a mc, that must be truly awful Flowers

It's a variety of people asking, work friends, other friends. One did the other night, and I know it took her almost a year to conceive her first Confused. At work it's just because we've had a lot of people have babies or make pregnancy announcements in the last few months, so it's kind of being talked about a lot!

OP posts:
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