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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wish that people would stop bloody asking...

75 replies

Orangeisthenewbanana · 15/01/2015 16:20

"So, do you think you'll have another one (child)?"

Arrrghhh! Getting this on average about 4 times a week at the moment. What do you want me to say? "Yes, we're having plenty of sex, thank you, in the hope of getting upduffed!? Or "yes, we'd actually love to be expecting another baby after 6 months of trying, and you asking is like another punch in the gut that it hasn't happened yet."

I know it's just because DD is 2, and a lot of people have that sort of age gap. I know I'm hormonal and at the end of my tww, and mentally preparing for another disappointment. I especially know that 6 months ttc is not really that long! But every month it gets harder to be casual about it when you ask.

So please just mind your own business and don't.

And BREATHE.

OP posts:

nottheOP · 15/01/2015 21:41

I say no thanks.

I'd say one day if we're lucky enough in your shoes.

I hate the question and get it a lot. I get asked if I've changed my mind yet. Only children aren't accepted as a choice

samithesausage · 15/01/2015 21:56

4 boys here. And I hate the question "are you going to try for a girl?".

GallicIsCharlie · 15/01/2015 22:03

"We haven't worked out what caused DD yet. Do you know how to get another one?"

"Yes [sickly smile] We've been trying for ages but no joy yet [sob] I'm so worried it might never happen! [uncontrolled wailing] So good of you to ask, I really need to talk to someone [dribble snot on their shoulder]"

"Why, don't you like the one I've got?"

"Are you ACTUALLY ASKING about my sex life?!"

... or ...

"Did you mean to be so rude?"

MsJupiter · 15/01/2015 22:05

I say, it's not always as simple as that. It kind of gives the message that I don't want to talk about it.

GallicIsCharlie · 15/01/2015 22:07

Only children aren't accepted as a choice

Two of the same sex aren't accepted as enough.
Two of different sexes aren't accepted as enough.
No children isn't accepted as a choice.
No children isn't accepted as a natural outcome.
Three aren't accepted as a round number.
Four are decreed plenty, if 2 of each sex.
Four aren't accepted as enough if sexes aren't even.
Five are decreed too many, but not accepted as a round number.
And so on ...
... and on, and on ...

GallicIsCharlie · 15/01/2015 22:09

What an elegant reply, Jupiter :)

ZingTheGreat · 15/01/2015 22:28

6 boys and a girl are not good enough as poor little girl doesn't have a sister...

and so on

ZingTheGreat · 15/01/2015 22:29

5 girls then a boy or 5 boys then a girl is "oh you finally got what you wanted"

lbsjob87 · 15/01/2015 22:35

People are idiots. My DS is 6 months old. His sister is nearly 6. We were married for 4 years and together for 11 before she came along.

I used to vary my answer to suit my mood, depending on how much I wanted to return the favour of pissing me off.

If it was "When are you having a baby/another one?" I either said "Next Tuesday, I bought one on Ebaby." or offered sweetly to explain all my medical foibles that made conception harder for us than some.

To the often offered "You aren't getting any younger, you know?" I said either "Oh, are you then? You must tell me your secret." Or
" You say that, but I've got special pills. This time last week I was 84."

And to those that said "Are you hoping for a boy/glad you have one of each, I say "Not really. I was hoping for a panda but apparently they make terrible pets."

If you could bottle filthy looks I'd have a lake full;)

toomanypillows · 15/01/2015 22:40

DH and I were TTC for over ten years.
I got to the point where I actively started to enjoy telling people about our fertility problems. Sometimes graphically. I mean - after ten years it's either a life choice or a problem!!
However the problem with that response was that it often led to "have you thought about IVF?"
Fek - no! Never crossed our minds!

YANBU

zipzap · 15/01/2015 22:41

'No - we thought that we'd try for kittens/puppies/piglets/baby elephants next time. Or maybe a few ducklings...'

Actually - leave the baby elephants out of your list - although cute much too big and much too long a gestation period!

I've found this effective in shutting people up without too much embarrassment as by the time they've processed it and realised that you can't have kittens etc they realise that it's a silly thing to ask and the conversation has moved on.

Justnapping · 15/01/2015 22:43

My DS is 2.5 and I get asked about 4 times a week!!!! Argh!! People are so nosy and boring!!

GallicIsCharlie · 15/01/2015 22:44

"Next Tuesday, I bought one on Ebaby."

I have also gone for the TTMI about my gynaecological issues, and deployed they "spawn of the devil" tactic.

Now I'm obviously too old to have kids, I've perfected the shrivelling gaze when asked why I didn't have any.

libertychick · 15/01/2015 22:51

What bothers me is people asking me in front of DD(4). She was result of IVF and we have had failed IVF since then. My stock answer is that 'we would love another child but unfortunately it can't happen' and then I immediately change the subject.

DD at the moment keeps asking if can she have a sister. I have explained to her that Mammy's tummy doesn't work properly and I was only able to grow one baby. She keeps offering to kiss my tummy or put sudocream on to fix it

Original poster

Orangeisthenewbanana · 16/01/2015 08:33

at bought one on Ebay!

OP posts:

CornChips · 16/01/2015 08:47

My DM comments like that for people with multiple children Zing. When I was growing up my first boyfriend was one of five boys. My DM would tilt her head and say with a sigh and a sad voice 'They kept going hoping for a girl, how sad'.

It used to make ME want to smack her in the face. Not least because she did not know the parents that well, and was just making it up in her own head.

People are arses. I recall also after a long period of not beig in a relationship a neighbour (aged in his 60s and a bit of a creep anyway) said to me 'Oh, where would you FIND a boyfriend nowadays anyway?' I commented 'Dunno, Yellow pages?' I keep getting asked too, we have one. I usually just say 'No, not planning another one'. One person at our church then said 'Oh i'm not surprised. Your DS is such a handful anyway'.

WTAF??

AhVienna · 16/01/2015 12:03

I got this a lot too. It used to cripple me emotionally because I would have loved another one, but my DH was adamant not to (and to be honest, the way he neglected me after my son was born left me in no doubt that I would never want to have another one with him anyway). Every time I was asked it reminded me of the crap situation I was in. Anyway, on that cheery note...

Seriouslyffs · 16/01/2015 12:28

AhV

WitchWay · 16/01/2015 12:44

I still get asked whether I would have liked more children. DS is nearly 17 & I'm nearly 50.

We would have liked another one but it didn't happen - I tell them that.

DidThatJustHappen · 16/01/2015 12:54

YANBU. Got married 8 years ago which started the first wave of enquiries. Then spent 6 years TTC. Then had successful ICSI and we have a lovely six month old. He arrived 10 weeks early and we were both very unwell (very lucky to both still be here) and in hospital for ages. People (some of whom know the whole story - all know about the very premature thing and me being ill) keep saying "of course you'll have another one" already! I just find it bizarre. I'd expected to get a year off enquiries and this will be our only as just too dangerous to risk another one.

What do you reckon... 10 years until they stop asking??

Picklesauage · 16/01/2015 13:28

I got this a lot, we were trying for our 2nd from the time our first DD was 9mo, she us now 3.2. However we have had a long and difficult road. The response that has worked well is - well since I have had 2 miscarriages this year we don't know when. But thanks for asking. I then smile (I swing between a slightly manic, over enthusiastic smile, to a sad puppy dog smile)

It shuts them up and is also true.

caitlinohara · 16/01/2015 13:35

YANBU, but it doesn't bother me. But as the mother of 3 boys, I do really hate the follow up question about don't I want a girl - ALWAYS off someone who has a daughter, I note.

Blueberrymuffint0p · 16/01/2015 13:45

I get this all the fucking time!! It's driven me to tears on occasion. My ds is 6 and I was asked twice just this week. Engage your fucking brains you idiots! It must be pretty obvious that if we could have another we would have by now!

What reply are people expecting?! It was my hairdresser who asked me this week and one of the mum's at the school gate. I just said 'no, that ship's sailed, I can't imagine going back to the baby stage'. Truthfully though 'yes, I would love another, it breaks my heart that because of a serious medical condition that im terrified my dc could inherit, that is invisible to you but that I battle daily I can't have anymore'. I'm a private person, I don't want to divulge that att the school gates so I lie. It's such a personal question but literally everyone asks!

DazzleU · 16/01/2015 13:49

I had the opposite, people used to ask me if we had a tv angry. When we decided to stop at 4 children (as I had 4 under age 6), I kept being asked when we were having more shock you can't win!

I had three DC with three and half aged gap but had similar. When youngest was two - was a constant multiple times a day question and often found people telling us we'd change out minds - we were broody but it was a head/heart decision and we think years down the line the correct one.

GallicIsCharlie list is very true. It's similar to the whole when you have children thing for women - the ideal supposedly being late 20 early 30's - I did this and it is the shitttest time career wise.

If you wait longer your more established and have more leeway with work often - well that what I've seen and younger means you can start your career bit later and then build it up - which I've also seen with friends.

There does seem to be some ideal picture in many people heads that everyone else is judge against - two DC one boy one girl close but not too close together probably about 3- 5 years parts are hertosexual couple where the mother both does and doesn't work - or works and bring in money but is still there for everyone else and obviously man does work.

hufflebottom · 16/01/2015 14:16

Yanbu. I used to get asked this, I have dd (4).

It stopped when I started reminding them I'm single, and asked if they would pay for the sperm donor if they are that curious to know when dd would be a big sis

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