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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wish that people would stop bloody asking...

75 replies

Orangeisthenewbanana · 15/01/2015 16:20

"So, do you think you'll have another one (child)?"

Arrrghhh! Getting this on average about 4 times a week at the moment. What do you want me to say? "Yes, we're having plenty of sex, thank you, in the hope of getting upduffed!? Or "yes, we'd actually love to be expecting another baby after 6 months of trying, and you asking is like another punch in the gut that it hasn't happened yet."

I know it's just because DD is 2, and a lot of people have that sort of age gap. I know I'm hormonal and at the end of my tww, and mentally preparing for another disappointment. I especially know that 6 months ttc is not really that long! But every month it gets harder to be casual about it when you ask.

So please just mind your own business and don't.

And BREATHE.

OP posts:

ZingTheGreat · 15/01/2015 17:55

we've got 7 kids and if I had a pound for every time I was asked that question I'd have no problem paying for our house extension!

just today somebody asked me again.
I said "no, we are done" which was met with "I don't believe you, you said that last time"

wtaf?

If you "know" the answer why are you asking? if you don't believe my answer why are you asking?
so bloody rude.

and even if I say I'm done I think i reserve the right to change my mind and owe an explanation to exactly nobody.

OP I agree, it's bloody annoying and if I was Queen of Everything I'd punish the fuckers by making them clean up after DD (especially all poo related incidents)

justanurse · 15/01/2015 18:12

YANBU and I can totally relate. My wee boy is 30 months and we have been trying for No.2 for over a year now. As soon as he hit 2 work colleagues, friends and even family have been asking when the next one is coming. Then when you say 'we're trying' you get the 'it will happen soon' and 'relax because it will happen when you don't think about it'.

My personal favourite is the 'you don't want to leave it too long because then they age gap will mean they won't be close'! Why would you say that to anyone?!

Haven't really figured out a way to deal with it apart from a noncommittal answer and trying to move the conversation along but gets harder not to scream at insensitive morons as the months go on!

Hope we both get BFPs soon

minipie · 15/01/2015 18:13

YANBU to think it's an insensitive question.

I do sometimes wish however that more people were willing to be a bit more open about their difficulties in TTCing. It would have made me feel much better when going through the same thing. It might also stop some people asking insensitive questions in future.

I remember being asked "what are you waiting for" and eventually replying "fertility" - that stopped the questions pretty quickly (and hopefully made the questioner think twice before asking other women).

Obviously everyone varies in how open they are comfortable with being however, so am not remotely criticising anyone who doesn't want to be.

expatinscotland · 15/01/2015 18:16

Personal, rude, intrusive question. I have a friend who had a child at 38. She is 41 now, her husband is 50 and gets asked about another a lot. They have fertility problems. It took 5 rounds of IVF just to have their child and 5 further rounds have not worked. What a painful question!

sweetkitty · 15/01/2015 18:20

I had 4 DC in under 6 years so have had all the "mistake" "trying for a boy" "don't you have a telly" etc

Now DS the youngest is due to start school I'm being told I should have another one, I'm 40 this year and knackered but apparently after 11 years at home with babies and toddlers, I'll feel so upset when the last one goes to school I should console myself by having a baby.

Theodora1979 · 15/01/2015 18:22

Oh dear I ask this all the time. Will think of other conversation starters now!

fluffymouse · 15/01/2015 18:31

It is a standard small talk question, but one which is very intrusive.

Peoples reasons for not having a second include infertility, miscarriage, other health reasons, finances, relationship difficulties etc. For these reasons I would never ask this question.

I had people ask me this when I was very early in my pregnancy and not wanting to tell people yet, it was a bit awkward blabbering an answer which skirted around the question.

Another question I hate is 'was it planned?'

HappyAgainOneDay · 15/01/2015 18:40

My two - one of each - were close together so I was never asked intrusive questions. Therefore, because of my ignorance, will someone please tell me what lack of television has to do with the subject?

Does lack of television mean that the couple spends their time in bed together? Or are they so busy with a dozen children that they have no time to watch one? Sorry.....

MerdeAlor · 15/01/2015 18:44

I have 1 DS (11) and have been unsuccessfully TTC for six years with 5 MC in that time and now have a chronic illness so it won't happen for us now.

We have made our peace with it but when I was in the midst of the MC awfulness I had many people ask about us having another child or venturing an opinion on how mean we were just having one.

Just them raising the subject would have me trying to hold back the tears or going somewhere private to have a good cry, I wouldn't have been able to share what was such a painful topic.
Now I am much relaxed and can happily tell anyone who asks.

My point is - sometimes it is a horribly sensitive subject and other times it's not. The asker can never know so it is best never to ask and wait for them to tell you

MerdeAlor · 15/01/2015 18:45

No entertainment other than shagging Happy

Original poster

Orangeisthenewbanana · 15/01/2015 18:54

Merde

OP posts:

ocelot41 · 15/01/2015 18:54

I would just bat back with 'Nah. Can't be arsed'. Tends to shut em up!

Ememem84 · 15/01/2015 19:21

I am 30. I have been married for 4 years. Friends have kids. On at least a weekly basis someone asks me when I'm planning on having babies.

I hate this. And have developed 2 coping strategies.

The first is I have learned to cry/look sad almost tears on cue.

The second I ask them when they're going to stop being a wankbadger.

ZingTheGreat · 15/01/2015 19:27

Merde

ZingTheGreat · 15/01/2015 19:29

Emem

try this

"if I tell you I have to kill you"

"what's in it for you?"

you are welcome!

bubalou · 15/01/2015 19:39

@ Wankbadger

fieldfare · 15/01/2015 19:44

I have one dd, who's 12, dh and I have been together for 9 years and ttc for 8. I've had 6 miscarriages. We used to get this question a LOT. Until I became more blunt and hardened to others insensitivity, my stock answer was "we'd love another, but some things don't just happen because you wish for them", and walk off.
It's hard. Some days it would make me run off and cry, others I could quite gladly smash their stupid face in.

Mouthfulofquiz · 15/01/2015 19:46

I was pondering this just today and had come to the conclusion never to ask anyone because they will volunteer this personal information to you if they want to. There can be so many painful reasons why they do / do not want to have more. It's never a good question because it is so personal.

ChatEnOeuf · 15/01/2015 21:06

I got tired of the questions too - DD is 3.5 and DC2 is due in June. After suffering through miscarriages I got a bit more blunt; "well we'd like to, but my uterus has other ideas". It usually provoked some sympathy and hopefully invited them to think before asking again. I like wankbadger too though

rootypig · 15/01/2015 21:14

YANBU. "Yeah, I'd love another one, but I couldn't in good conscience bring another kid into this marriage, which is killing me."

Sigh.

flightywoman · 15/01/2015 21:23

People are just thoughtless arses.

I was told I probably couldn't have children naturally in 1988. Around 1996/97 I worked in a pub, one of our afternoon regulars would ask me every single day " Why don't you have babies? When are you going to have babies". Also, at that time my boyfriend had just dumped me for my best friend, a fact that pub bore knew.

And every day I used to say "I can't have children". He never shut up. But he was a special class of fuckwit.

buddhasbelly · 15/01/2015 21:26

I get asked this by strangers a lot, or friends of friends who do not know that I had severe PND with my exp leaving 3 months after dd was born. She is still under 1 years old. People just assume that I have a partner/husband at home and feel they can say "oh the first of many!" or ask me countless questions about dd and "I bet dad spoils you." It is exhausting, I am still getting over PND. I do not need to put on that smiley face for intrusive questions about whether number 2 is on the way. Sorry that felt good to get out.

BlinkAndMiss · 15/01/2015 21:33

YANBU I hated this too. I felt stupid saying that I was really worried abut coping with another baby after DS was born, he wasn't particularly difficult but I struggled a hell of a lot more than I thought I would.

It's such a personal question, I have no idea why people think they have the right to ask. I'd half smile and then say nothing, hopefully they won't ask again. With other people you might have to be a bit tougher if you want them to stop - you might need to tell them to stop. Not that you should have to of course. I'm sorry you're having to put up with this.

PinkSquash · 15/01/2015 21:36

I have a 5 year age gap. When I was pregnant with DS2 everyone asked if I preferred to have a girl- why is having one of each so bloody important to people?

Even now, everyone knows DH has had the snip- because they asked when we're having the next! But I still get asked if we're having more. FFS people are so inconsiderate.

notonyourninny · 15/01/2015 21:39

My ds1 is 2, i get asked if im having anymore, he is my fourth. when I replied no a stranger asked me why not.

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