To wonder if I'm the only person who refuses to tolerate bullies?

[cheeseandfickle]

If I come across anyone who seems to be a bullying, nasty type then I either have nothing to do with them, or have a very minimal amount of contact with them, eg just say hello to them if I see them in the street.

It just never ceases to amaze me how many grown adults seem happy to tolerate bullies and to be spoken to like crap by them.

A woman that I went to school with, who was a complete bully at school, is on my Facebook friends and from the looks of it hasn't changed one bit and is still bullying and controlling people. I have noticed through reading her Facebook statuses that she has around 4 or 5 women that seem totally bullied by her. She speaks to them like dirt, and does things like bitch about them on a Facebook status if they are 5 minutes late to meet her, hence them being all apologetic and grovelly when they reply. She is also very mickey-taking towards them all, but not in a fun, affectionate way, but more of a serious, bullying way.

There is also a mum at my childrens' school who is also a total bully; I've seen her shout at other parents on several occasions as their child has fallen out with her child that day at school. She is also very vocal and nasty about mums that she doesn't like, and talks about them loudly when we are all waiting to collect her children. One morning when our DCs had just started school I accidently brushed past her in the cloakroom and got a mouthful of abuse, and so since then I have just blanked her and had nothing to do with her. Yet loads of other mums still seem desperate to be her best buddy despite witnessing her behaviour. I know they are probably scared she'll start on them but I seriously cannot understand why grown women would be so terrified of someone like her?

Am I the only person who just has zero tolerance for bullies?

If you see your fb friend bullying other mums on her wall, I take it you post something in their defense then? To me, that is zero tolerance. Yes I have stood up to people like that in defense of others and no they would not be on my friends list. To have a someone on your fb list states they are your friend. So essentially you are friends with a nasty bully. What is zero tolerance about that?

It is too simplistic to talk about bullies and not bullies and that all you have to do is "have nothing to do with the bullies"

Your boss, your mother-in-law, your adult son, your neighbour, your close colleague in a job you can't easily leave, your army sergeant, - all these are bullies that are much harder to "have nothing to do with". Bullying is often about power - which means that there is sometimes not much you an do about it.

Bullying is about control and the sweetest person, when on a flight or in a rage in a shop can bully a flight attendant or a shop assistant just because they can - and call it " demanding good service".

So maybe OP you need to think about what you said in a bit more detail. Standing up for those who are bullied is a good start. Avoiding them just means they bully someone other than you.

Passively observe and remain silent but remain connected for entertainment value some unknown reason and "zero tolerance" aren't even in the same time zone, OP.

If you observe but choose not to engage, you are in collusion.

CallMeExhausted it might be a good idea to read the whole thread through.

I have already said quite some time ago that perhaps I picked the wrong phrase in my OP.

Hi Cheese, I agree with you, I cannot understand why bully types so often seem to be surrounded by yes-men/women. You've had a hard time on this thread!

At first I thought as an adult the only bullying I come across is at my DC's schools playgrounds. But then the first girl in the op I would call a bitch and the second woman I would call unhinged. I have noticed this with my teenage DD and her friends use the word bully as a descriptor that I would of probably as a teenager would of used "dick or bitch" (left the word bully for the girl who chased me home every night to hurl abuse at me or beat me is she caught me). The word is watered down that even people on this thread are called bullies. The overuse of the word leads to missing the true and serious cases, maybe new terminology is needed.

I don't think 'having nothing to do with them' or 'having minimal contact' is 'having zero tolerance' for bullies. Surely confronting them assertively is better then avoidance. My role models are two friends who have it down to a fine art. They don't shout or become abusive when bullied, but seem to know what to do and say, the body language and so on, in such a strong and determined manner that no-one messes with them twice.
Confrontation with assertiveness isn't easy, and takes a bit of courage.
I can't comment on Facebook as I'm not on it.

Given that MOST people don't even bother with a 'keep at arms length and only be civil to them' approach, I don't see why so many people are having a go at the OP.

Op, it really is weird you having the FB connection with 'a bully'. But, with regard to all the other things, I agree with you wholeheartedly.

I experienced first hand how crap it is when everyone kow tow's to a bully. I was the victim of one, she would blatantly ignore me, turn her back to me if I was in a group that she was in, walked out of something when she saw I was running it, bad mouthed me to loads of people.

These people were quite happy to run to me to tell me how bad she was, and what awful things she was saying, but they would then stand with her, have a giggle, act all chummy. It was crap. Not ONE of them did what the OP does, ie be cool and keep them at arms length. Not a single fucking one of them. I distanced myself from them all until slowly, several others became the victims of her irrational behaviour.

Now, the children are at different schools having left the infant school, and the mums occasionally catch up but she's been effectively excluded and I'm gradually letting myself rejoin them. Hard to let myself trust them all though.

I know they are probably scared she'll start on them but I seriously cannot understand why grown women would be so terrified of someone like her?

Maybe because they don't want to get punched in the face? And because this woman according to you is a 'shitbag' who is known locally for being violent? You sound overly invested in this woman, you seem to watch her a lot. Don't stalk her, just live your own life. You don't have to be her friend on facebook just because she invited you. Find a way to do the school run without getting so physically close to her that you 'accidentally brush her'.

I don't stalk her, Kawliga. I have, however, seen her shouting at other women. It's hard to miss. You don't have to physically stalk someone to witness their behaviour.

I accidently brushed past her in the very narrow cloakroom where our DCs hang their coats up. It wasn't intentional at all. I'm not going to not help my son hang his coat and bag up just in case I brush past anyone. It's such a tiny cloakroom it's impossible to go in there and not have any physical contact with anyone. I am guessing from what you've said that you've assumed that I did it on purpose?

I'm in your camp. There are a couple of other parents in my dc's school year who are like this.

They are both very popular - most are desperate to be their friend. Yet people are so surprised and shocked when they turn on them, having witnessed them do it to numerous other people.

I give them both a wide berth but I'm definitely in the minority on that.

its hard to judge people who dont stand up to them you sort of have to do it once and successfully then you get your confidence.

A shitbag in my area means someone who's 'soft' as in 'mard'

I am not sure why the op has started this thread.

She claims to have zero tolerance for bullies. But her actions seem to consist of standing by whilst others get bullied.

Whilst I can understand why she may not want to get involved and risk getting a punch in the gob for her troubles, I can't understand what she wants kudos for, beyond 'well done for not being an arselicker.' it is just the equivalent of standing by on the playground whilst another kid gets a pasting off the school bully. It is at best a morally neutral act.

I also get the impression that by following this woman's posts on Facebook, she is getting off on the whole drama of this situation.