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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if I'm the only person who refuses to tolerate bullies?

89 replies

cheeseandfickle · 14/01/2015 22:51

If I come across anyone who seems to be a bullying, nasty type then I either have nothing to do with them, or have a very minimal amount of contact with them, eg just say hello to them if I see them in the street.

It just never ceases to amaze me how many grown adults seem happy to tolerate bullies and to be spoken to like crap by them.

A woman that I went to school with, who was a complete bully at school, is on my Facebook friends and from the looks of it hasn't changed one bit and is still bullying and controlling people. I have noticed through reading her Facebook statuses that she has around 4 or 5 women that seem totally bullied by her. She speaks to them like dirt, and does things like bitch about them on a Facebook status if they are 5 minutes late to meet her, hence them being all apologetic and grovelly when they reply. She is also very mickey-taking towards them all, but not in a fun, affectionate way, but more of a serious, bullying way.

There is also a mum at my childrens' school who is also a total bully; I've seen her shout at other parents on several occasions as their child has fallen out with her child that day at school. She is also very vocal and nasty about mums that she doesn't like, and talks about them loudly when we are all waiting to collect her children. One morning when our DCs had just started school I accidently brushed past her in the cloakroom and got a mouthful of abuse, and so since then I have just blanked her and had nothing to do with her. Yet loads of other mums still seem desperate to be her best buddy despite witnessing her behaviour. I know they are probably scared she'll start on them but I seriously cannot understand why grown women would be so terrified of someone like her?

Am I the only person who just has zero tolerance for bullies?

OP posts:
hmc · 14/01/2015 23:29

It's not every post by any means and it is not what has been said in all cases, but how it has been said...(and the frequency and repetition of hammering away at the same point)

Also the thread has been a bit derailed - OP wanted to discuss how some people seem to want to ingratiate themselves with bullies even when being treated badly by the bully, but instead lots of emphasis on how she is fb friends with a bullying person. Valid point but seems to be the only focus of the thread.

CeliaLytton · 14/01/2015 23:29

i give up

emsyj · 14/01/2015 23:30

But you don't 'refuse to have anything to do with bullies' do you, OP??? Refusing to have anything to do with bullies would involve you either rejecting a friend request from a known bully or at the very least deleting and blocking that person when you recognise that they haven't changed.

Confused
GraysAnalogy · 14/01/2015 23:30

OP you were misguided in your original statement as being 'zero tolerance'. I'm not sure what reactions you would have liked because to be honest, to me you aren't zero tolerance. Just sort of on the fence. I'm sorry if this isn't what you wanted but IMO zero tolerance is taking a stand against it, not enabling it by being a bystander.

hmc · 14/01/2015 23:30

That was to echt

GraysAnalogy · 14/01/2015 23:31

Yes OP you challenged her, but not on the behalf of those being bullied.

Which is odd really since you say you're zero tolerance.

Hay ho.

Original poster
cheeseandfickle · 14/01/2015 23:33

Ok Grays well as I said perhaps I picked the wrong phrase and for that I do apologise.

To flip this thread and perhaps get some constructive replies, how would/do you all deal with bullies? What would you do if you came across the bullies that I've come across? Does it really make the world a better place to challenge a bully and is it perhaps a better idea to get the message through to them via actions rather than words?

OP posts:
Original poster
cheeseandfickle · 14/01/2015 23:34

Grays what in your opinion would be the best way to challenge her on bullying others? I really don't want a punch in the face on the school run

OP posts:
Original poster
cheeseandfickle · 14/01/2015 23:34

And yes, she is the type to punch!

OP posts:
KirjavaTheCat · 14/01/2015 23:37

Zero tolerance, in my view, would be standing up for others who are being treated poorly.

I like to think I stand up for people, but I don't always do that, in all honesty. A flaw of mine. I certainly wouldn't profess a zero tolerance attitude to bullies though, and if I did I'd expect to be called out on it.

So in answer to your OP, no, I don't think you're the only one (different definitions of zero tolerance aside) but it's unfortunately rare that bullies, adult women in particular, are held to account.

GraysAnalogy · 14/01/2015 23:37

If I see someone being bullied and it's quite clear they aren't able to stick up for themselves I speak directly to the bully and ask them what as going on? Is there any need for this? im probably over assertive because not once has any bully tried to shout me down after being pulled up on their crap.

It doesn't have to resort to violence. Most of the overly angry bullies are shit bags anyway.

Original poster
cheeseandfickle · 14/01/2015 23:40

Hmmm perhaps I need to grow more of a backbone and speak up for others a bit more then.

Those of you that speak up for others, don't you find that you then end up being the hated party whilst the bully and the person that they are bullying stay on good terms? I've actually seen that happen to a friend who tried to stand up for a friend of hers. She ended up being the one outed from the friendship and seen as the bad guy.

OP posts:
GraysAnalogy · 14/01/2015 23:40

If she punched you you have every right to defend yourself. Although I can see why you'd be wary (I need to realise not everyone is hard faced as I am). In your case Id just say 'look, I'm going to report this' then walk away, preferably with the women being bullied.

I know it's easier said than done and if you do feel there's danger of violence, just speak to the mums and get together to report this horrible person and stamp it out.

Original poster
cheeseandfickle · 14/01/2015 23:41

Grays honestly, the mum at the school is such an angry aggressive person I can certainly imagine her lumping someone one! She is known locally for being violent. She's definitely a shitbag.

OP posts:
Original poster
cheeseandfickle · 14/01/2015 23:43

I spoke to the headteacher after she shouted at me for brushing past her, but in all honesty the head teacher is one for a quiet life and I can't imagine him banning her from the school or anything like that. He said he'd monitor her behaviour but she's screeched like a fishwife at a few others since.

OP posts:
Original poster
cheeseandfickle · 14/01/2015 23:44

I'd say he'd be more likely to appease her to keep her quiet, you know like people reward a child for not hitting rather than punish a child for hitting in the first place

OP posts:
GraysAnalogy · 14/01/2015 23:47

I took great joy in sorting people like that out when I was younger! Not coz am 'ard like but I was never arsed about getting into a fight.

Obviously we're adults now and can't be doing silly things like that so it's difficult to deal with someone who still tries to act like a child bully and thinks hitting someone is a good way to get what they want.

If you can't do the rage and put the fear of God into her, is there anything you could do behind the scenes to help these women without directly having to get involved. Anyone you could report her to?

GraysAnalogy · 14/01/2015 23:48

X post

Surely it's his responsibility to ensure people on the grounds feel safe! I would tell him if it continues you are going to the police, I doubt he'd want that

GraysAnalogy · 14/01/2015 23:49

But at the same time are these women going to be pally pally with her afterwards? Because if that's he case you're hardly going to win are you

Original poster
cheeseandfickle · 14/01/2015 23:50

That's a good idea, Grays!

I will speak to him again in the next few days and say that she is still going with her nastiness and that if I see it again I'll have to contact the police.

OP posts:
GraysAnalogy · 14/01/2015 23:54

Good luck. I know you want to help, but be careful you don't put yourself in danger of physical violence if she's that way inclined. No point you all ending up victim to her horrible ways. Think the proper route is the best and safest. You know you've done your bit then and there's nothing else you can do

Original poster
cheeseandfickle · 14/01/2015 23:55

Thanks Grays, yes you're right there's no point putting myself in any danger.

OP posts:
GraysAnalogy · 14/01/2015 23:55

And you're a good friend to them Flowers

Original poster
cheeseandfickle · 14/01/2015 23:57

:-)

OP posts:
IgnoreMeEveryOtherReindeerDoes · 15/01/2015 00:00

Well you have just answered your own question why these women put up with it because she's the type to punch! So probably they are scared of being punched.

How would I deal with a bully well recently incident was me standing beside my friend being a friend, walking her home to and from play groups, was there for her like a shot backing her up when needed whilst she was bullied by another parent who didnt think twice of hurling abuse at her. I usually quiet shy type dont get involved in tit for tat but do when someone being bullied.

I certainly wouldn't have them on fb regardless of who added who

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