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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if I'm the only person who refuses to tolerate bullies?

89 replies

cheeseandfickle · 14/01/2015 22:51

If I come across anyone who seems to be a bullying, nasty type then I either have nothing to do with them, or have a very minimal amount of contact with them, eg just say hello to them if I see them in the street.

It just never ceases to amaze me how many grown adults seem happy to tolerate bullies and to be spoken to like crap by them.

A woman that I went to school with, who was a complete bully at school, is on my Facebook friends and from the looks of it hasn't changed one bit and is still bullying and controlling people. I have noticed through reading her Facebook statuses that she has around 4 or 5 women that seem totally bullied by her. She speaks to them like dirt, and does things like bitch about them on a Facebook status if they are 5 minutes late to meet her, hence them being all apologetic and grovelly when they reply. She is also very mickey-taking towards them all, but not in a fun, affectionate way, but more of a serious, bullying way.

There is also a mum at my childrens' school who is also a total bully; I've seen her shout at other parents on several occasions as their child has fallen out with her child that day at school. She is also very vocal and nasty about mums that she doesn't like, and talks about them loudly when we are all waiting to collect her children. One morning when our DCs had just started school I accidently brushed past her in the cloakroom and got a mouthful of abuse, and so since then I have just blanked her and had nothing to do with her. Yet loads of other mums still seem desperate to be her best buddy despite witnessing her behaviour. I know they are probably scared she'll start on them but I seriously cannot understand why grown women would be so terrified of someone like her?

Am I the only person who just has zero tolerance for bullies?

OP posts:
CeliaLytton · 14/01/2015 23:10

Maybe OP doesn't like to tolerate bullies but enjoys their exploits bullying other people, hence the fb thing?

YABU as your OP is in direct contradiction to your title. Either you have no time for bullies or you have them as fb friends.

Original poster
cheeseandfickle · 14/01/2015 23:10

Raggy yes I think that is exactly what she does.

OP posts:
echt · 14/01/2015 23:10

I wrote from the perspective of a teacher. If I see bullying in the classroom, I call them on it. As a union rep I support those who are being bullied, and take on those who have pop at me.

I see it here on MN when a poster is being unduly critiqued/ harassed, such posters are called on it, and can get banned.

To do nothing is to be like those who passed by on the other side of the road in the good Samaritan parable.

None of this makes me a good/better person than others, and I've felt ashamed of a loss of nerve on my past at times, but I try to do the right thing.

Original poster
cheeseandfickle · 14/01/2015 23:11

Celia I think it's a bit unfair to say I enjoy their exploits bullying others.

OP posts:
MoanCollins · 14/01/2015 23:12

I'm not sure about this post. Because you seem to be very harsh and judgemental yourself about other people. I mean, this woman on Facebook, you really don't like her yet you're friends with her on Facebook and you seem to be over involved with what she's saying to her friends and when. Ditto the interactions of the mother at the school gate.

If you don't like these women and think they're bullies, fine, up to you. But the other women concerned are adults and if they don't find the way these women treat them a problem I'm not sure why you feel it is your position to be in high dudgeon about it. It's all really rather judgemental. I think your own post almost verges on the bullying itself, particularly the woman on Facebook where you are pretending you like her enough to be facebook friends when actually you just want to snoop on the interactions between her and her friends.

You sound like you are a bit jealous that these women seem to have a circle of friends. Do you have many of your own? I don't think directing this sort of spite at people for relatively minor transgressions will make you many...

Original poster
cheeseandfickle · 14/01/2015 23:12

I try to do the right thing too echt. We don't all have the confidence to lose our rag with people that are acting like a bully but we can refuse to have anything to do with someone that is a bully.

OP posts:
Original poster
cheeseandfickle · 14/01/2015 23:14

Shouting at people for their child falling out with hers is a minor transgression, Moan? Really? Shock

I have plenty of friends btw. It's a bit judgemental of you to assume that I don't....

OP posts:
hmc · 14/01/2015 23:15

Dear God, give the OP a break!

CeliaLytton · 14/01/2015 23:15

And OP I'm afraid we all picked up on the same thing because it is so incongruous, the situation on fb is the same as having a friend and letting them bitch about people and make fun of them without calling her on it.

If you meant what you say in the title, either you would not be her 'friend' or you would openly stand up for those being bullied.

You can't make such a bold 'I don't stand for shut' statement and then contradict yourself in the next breath.

But telling you this probably makes me a bully, so you could always friend me on fb and watch from afar.

PrimalLass · 14/01/2015 23:15

Of course you are the only person who refuses to tolerate bullies. The. Only. Person.

hmc · 14/01/2015 23:17

This is turning into a bullying thread - how apt

KirjavaTheCat · 14/01/2015 23:17

It always surprised me at school that so many of the school's nastiest bullies would also be the most popular. I just assumed that their 'friends' either had self esteem issues or were intimidated and left it at that.

Tbh friends of these bullies, unless they're taking part in the bullying themselves, aren't doing anything different to you. You're not actively challenging their behaviour towards others, neither are they.

If that means they're condoning the bullying by doing nothing then so are you, surely?

FightOrFlight · 14/01/2015 23:18

And thanks FightorFlight, you sound really lovely

You're not the first to mention it but thanks for the affirmation Flowers

GraysAnalogy · 14/01/2015 23:18

Oh here we go.

People collectively having an opinion and voicing it is bullying. Or band wagon jumping. Chose one or the other because it's mumsnet and it has to be one of them Hmm

Original poster
cheeseandfickle · 14/01/2015 23:20

hmc yes I was thinking the same thing!

Kirjava As I said, I refuse to have anything to do with bullies. That's not condoning their behaviour, surely?

OP posts:
echt · 14/01/2015 23:20

I would say it's not about losing your rag. I don't shout at bullies in the classroom. I'm very careful indeed about how I deal with employers who are bullies, not using the word bully helps in the early stages, but I address the behaviour, try to get that to change/stop. But you're right, a certain level of confidence is required. In a way, my responsibilities as teacher and union rep mean I don't have to feel confident because I've got back up, and this allows me to act with confidence.

I would imagine FB has its difficulties, but just defriend them, and when/if they come asking, then say why. I'm not on Facebook, so am imagining a possible way of dealing with it.

CeliaLytton · 14/01/2015 23:21

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

I think this is what people are getting at. By watching, actively and through choice in the case of the fb friend, OP is doing just that.

OP (trying to be nice now) I get your point about bullies often having lots of friends but your holier than thou attitude has got people's backs up, especially when it's clearly not accurate.

Did you mean, AIBU to wonder why bullies are often popular?

CeliaLytton · 14/01/2015 23:22

OP stop saying you have anything to do with them when you are 'friends' with someone you define as a bully! Rethink your argument, please!

CeliaLytton · 14/01/2015 23:23

^^ you refuse to have anything to do with them

echt · 14/01/2015 23:23

hmc I don't think this thread is bullying. Posters have identified a perceived contradiction in the OP's OP and picking up on it. This reasonable, and the OP has invited views.

Original poster
cheeseandfickle · 14/01/2015 23:23

Celia I don't have a holier than thou attitude at all. I think you're perhaps projecting a bit as you seem to have leapt on my posts and taken them out of proportion a little.

with regards to the FB friends, she added me as a friend not the other way round. She was a bully at school but I thought perhaps she'd changed as an adult. At some point yes I will delete her.

I think some on here have been really unfair to me but hey ho, such is the nature of AIBU

OP posts:
HolyTerror · 14/01/2015 23:24

I don't think it is turning into a bullying thread. As frequently happens in AIBU, a poster posts something that they clearly imagine is going to elicit a certain set of responses, and other people point out contradictions or inconsistencies the OP clearly hasn't thought about.

In this case, the OP was directly criticising the behaviour of people she perceives as pandering to bullies, while being proud of her own self-proclaimed 'zero tolerance' approach. People are only drawing attention to obvious contradictions in her post - that she is FB friends with at least one bully, and that her 'zero tolerance' seems in practice to mean 'not actively being pleasant to or seeking the company of' those she regards as bullies, while priding herself on not being like the women she sees as 'bullied'.

KirjavaTheCat · 14/01/2015 23:24

What I'm trying to say is that the people who 'curry favour' with the bullies aren't that different to you, in terms of making a difference. It doesn't make a matter if you ignore them or not, their behaviour continues to go unchallenged - nothing changes.

Original poster
cheeseandfickle · 14/01/2015 23:27

Holy, you have probably missed my post where I stated that I did call the woman who shouted at me on her behaviour. I can hardly go up to her and start having a go at her one afternoon at pick up about other times she's said things to other women in the past, can I? I think it's fair enough to protect myself against receiving that kind of treatment again though.

Perhaps zero tolerance was the wrong phrase to choose and I should have said 'refuses to have anything to do with bullies'?

OP posts:
Original poster
cheeseandfickle · 14/01/2015 23:29

kirjava as I have said a few times now, I did challenge the woman who shouted at me for brushing past her.

Perhaps I should say something to the woman on FB whom I feel isn't very nice? I often see her posts during the day when I only go on my phone rather than the laptop and I don't tend to type things out on my phone so I never say anything.

OP posts:
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