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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To remove my ex's name from my childrens?

64 replies

Number3cometome · 14/01/2015 16:01

I left my ex partner last year, we have two children together aged 11 and 7.

They have his surname and he is named on their birth certificates.

Since I left, my ex has seen the kids a handful of times and has not paid any maintenance. I have asked him to tell me what he can afford to pay - he says nothing. I have threatened to claim maintenance off him and he has responded with text messages saying I chose to leave him, my problem.

I was considering changing my children's surnames to double barrel with his surname and mine, but he will not sign the deed poll forms.

I feel like forcing this through court and just changing to my surname now, purely because he doesn't deserve to share a name with two amazing children who he does fuck all to support both mentally and physically.

I live with my new partner and we are expecting a baby in July.

I would like all of my children to share a common surname.

Am I being unreasonable to change my children's surnames back to my name?

OP posts:
nutsinwinter · 14/01/2015 16:02

I think the first question is whether you can legally do this without his permission where you live (UK?).

MonstrousRatbag · 14/01/2015 16:04

Yes, you are I think. Leave it, let them decide what name to have when older. Crap as he is, you can't just write their father out of their lives. So if you do go to court, I would go down the double-barrel route.

ShadowsShadowsEverywhere · 14/01/2015 16:05

Ask the children what they think.
I'm ignoring all the other angles and focussing on this one because this was me. My mother changed my name to my stepdads when I was twelve. I hated it, felt forced into pretending to be happy about it because it was what she wanted but I never felt the name was mine, it always made me uncomfortable and as soon as I was old enough I changed it back via deed poll. This means I now have a hefty set of paper work to accompany my birth certificate and have to fill in all the info on legal documents or HMRC forms etc, it's a faff.

So my advice is to ONLY do this if your kids genuinely want to change their last name. Don't out any pressure on them to change it, and if they say no then you will have to lump it. He may not be your best buddy right now but he's still the kids Dad.

PercyGherkin · 14/01/2015 16:08

You'll have an easier job getting the court order for the 11 year old if he/she is in agreement. The 7 year old will probably not be easy to be honest especially as you are removing his name altogether.

And since your question is whether it would be unreasonable to do so, rather than can you - I have to say it would. Wouldn't it be lovely if we could all rewrite history to suit ourselves? Life doesn't usually work that way. They are his children as well as yours, it is their name since birth.

MissHJ · 14/01/2015 16:08

If they were younger I would have perhaps said keep pushing for your surname but it's now a long way down the line with them being 11 and 7. The 11 year old in particular would be quite used to the surname I would have thought so it's tricky. It's only a surname and technically the father is in his full rights to say you both agreed on their surnames you have no right to change it now you have broken up together. He could just say you are doing it out of spite. What do the children think? Do they want their surname changed?

LadyLuck10 · 14/01/2015 16:13

It would be wrong of you to do this I think. That is their name, their identity I don't think it's solely up to you to do this. What happens if things don't work out with your current dp? Will you then change all their names again.

Nolim · 14/01/2015 16:15

Claim maintenance by all means.
Change you name if you want.
But i dont make your kids life more difficult by changing their names.

Madamecastafiore · 14/01/2015 16:17

Why not go through the CSA?

BarbarianMum · 14/01/2015 16:21

YABu - it's not your decision to make at this point in their live. Also not fair to put them on the spot and make them choose.

If you want to chase through the courts then do it for something more worthwhile, like maintenance.

HatieKokpins · 14/01/2015 16:22

My mum changed my name when I was ten. It has caused NO END of problems having a different name to the one on my birth certificate.

I understand the impulse, I really do, but don't do make your kids have a lifetime of administrative shite to deal with just because you're pissed off right now.

AwakeCantSleep · 14/01/2015 16:23

What I don't understand is why any mother would want to have a different surname to their child. It seems to be really common in this country for unmarried mothers to give their children the father's surname. Why?? OK so I come from the continent and this really baffles me. In my country this is highly unusual. Children have the mother's name. If married the joint marital surname obviously. I find this sensible because a) it is usually clear who the child's mother is, and not necessarily clear who the father is, and b) a mother is overall far more likely to be the primary carer of the child and be the constant in their live in the event of a split.

So I would have to say you were unreasonable to not give your children your own surname to start with. To change the name now - I'm not sure. By the age of 11 (well, 7 actually) I had got used to my surname (and become attached to it) and wouldn't have been enthusiastic to the idea of it being changed.

WooWooOwl · 14/01/2015 16:24

YABU and spiteful.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 14/01/2015 16:25

Are you thinking of your own surname or your partner's surname? I would definitely not do the latter, which means that new baby has to have your surname if they are all three going to be the same, and you keeping your own if you marry. So unless your partner changed his you are going to be a mixed name family anyway.

I would also say that if you only left the children's dad last year, then that's too soon, if you ever do it. If he hadn't seen them since they were babies, then maybe, but unless they really want to change it themselves, and I think 7 is a bit young to make that decision, you should leave it as it is.

I also don't think a court battle is the best use of your time and energy with two children and another on the way, pick your battles and go for the maintenance.

I totally understand why you want to change it though.

sarascompact · 14/01/2015 16:26

You're not unreasonable in the least. Your ex lost the moral higher ground when he decided to see his children only a handful of times and saw fit not to provide for them.

LadyLuck, the OP has said nothing about changing her children's surnames to her DP's. She wants to change their surnames to her own.

Monstrous, the OP can write her ex out of her children's lives if she pleases although he seems to be doing that pretty well all by himself. She's the parent who stayed. She's the parent her children will be identifying with. Why shouldn't she be the one who makes the decisions? I would think that the chances are that a court will rule in her favour too.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 14/01/2015 16:27

Awake - I think the direct opposite of you. It is usually clear who the mother is because she is the primary carer, therefore having the father's surname makes clear that he is their father and balances things out a bit. In the event of a split the father is likely to have less contact with his children that the mother, so having the same surname is a good way of maintaining family bonds.

Original poster
Number3cometome · 14/01/2015 16:28

Madamecastafiore Made a claim today! First time. Was trying to give him the chance to sort himself out, he clearly didn't want to pay all along.
The money I don't need, I just think he shouldn't be able to forget his kids and get on with life like they don't matter.

In regards to them still being his Dad - yes of course, I have tried countless times to get him to see them but he constantly makes excuses. I have even driven the 70 mile round trip on Boxing day so he could see them, he had them overnight, they came home with no presents from him and a message that he was 'busy working all of January' so wouldn't be seeing him.

I feel like I am having to force him to love them, it's hard work.

It was actually my son who brought up the change of name, he said that now he lives with me shouldn't his name be the same as mine? He is 12 very soon and legally I do not need his father's permission to change his name as he was born before 31st of December 2003.
My son wants my surname, he prefers it and actually is a name he is less likely to get taken the piss out of for having (his name has attracted a few jokes, nothing major)
My daughter on the other hand is a different story - she was born after the December date so I have to get her father's permission.
He wouldn't even give me permission to double barrel it!
She said that she would like my surname also, but isn't too fussed.
She asked me if she could write her name on her school work, I said no, your name is 'x' at the moment.

I think my school of thinking comes from the fact that he has made no effort with his kids, he doesn't behave like a Dad, so why should he have the right to the same name as them?

Also with the new baby I would like to have a common surname.

And I am frankly FUCKED off with people calling me 'Mrs' ex partners' surname, especially as I left him due to domestic violence reasons and the thought of being accused of being his wife makes me feel sick!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Number3cometome · 14/01/2015 16:29

LadyLuck10 no no no!! I am not changing to DP's name!! My surname only. New baby is going to have a double barrel of mine and new DP's surname. Not making that mistake again!

OP posts:
sarascompact · 14/01/2015 16:30

"My mum changed my name when I was ten. It has caused NO END of problems having a different name to the one on my birth certificate."

Hatie, that's interesting because I changed my DC's name by deed poll way back when they were small. They have a birth certificate and a deed poll document and neither I nor they have ever had any problems.

Original poster
Number3cometome · 14/01/2015 16:32

WooWooOwl I'm not defending myself here, but can you elaborate on the spiteful bit?

I would like to reiterate that I left my ex, he didn't leave me. I didn't love him for years, have no interest in him whatsoever, and have no reason to spite him. In fact I don't feel anything for him.

Do you mean spiting my children? In which case that's the last thing I want to do and will do anything to avoid this.

OP posts:
LadyLuck10 · 14/01/2015 16:32

Sorry op I misunderstood. I still think it would cause a lot of issues. If your son can get it changed but your dd can't then she might feel left out esp if the new baby will also have your name.

AwakeCantSleep · 14/01/2015 16:34

WhoKnows the father is very welcome to change his surname to match his childrens' surname if this is important to him. For the mother it must be awkward and impractical to continuously say "Hello, I am Ms X and this is my 6 year-old child, Peter Y." Never mind a constant reminder of the 'failure' to be a two parent family. And what if she has another child by a different man? She wouldn't have the same surname as any of her children, and the half siblings wouldn't share a name either. It does not make any sense to me at all.

Original poster
Number3cometome · 14/01/2015 16:35

LadyLuck10 That's ok, I understand it's a bit confusing.
I would not change one name without the other, so would take it to court.

OP posts:
WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 14/01/2015 16:36

It isn't awkward at all Awake, my DCs have DH's surname not mine and it's never caused any problems.

Original poster
Number3cometome · 14/01/2015 16:36

AwakeCantSleep expecting DC3 in July - will have double barrel surname of me and new partner.

Yes sick of being called Mrs ex partners name by doctor / school / bob down the road!

OP posts:
AwakeCantSleep · 14/01/2015 16:36

It's almost like the mother and her 'lineage' doesn't matter. And I wonder what the children think of living with their mum but not having the same surname as her.

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