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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To remove my ex's name from my childrens?

64 replies

Number3cometome · 14/01/2015 16:01

I left my ex partner last year, we have two children together aged 11 and 7.

They have his surname and he is named on their birth certificates.

Since I left, my ex has seen the kids a handful of times and has not paid any maintenance. I have asked him to tell me what he can afford to pay - he says nothing. I have threatened to claim maintenance off him and he has responded with text messages saying I chose to leave him, my problem.

I was considering changing my children's surnames to double barrel with his surname and mine, but he will not sign the deed poll forms.

I feel like forcing this through court and just changing to my surname now, purely because he doesn't deserve to share a name with two amazing children who he does fuck all to support both mentally and physically.

I live with my new partner and we are expecting a baby in July.

I would like all of my children to share a common surname.

Am I being unreasonable to change my children's surnames back to my name?

OP posts:
Original poster
Number3cometome · 14/01/2015 16:38

So I would have to say you were unreasonable to not give your children your own surname to start with.

Yes I agree, wish I could change things now I really do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Number3cometome · 14/01/2015 16:39

AwakeCantSleep for DS (older child) it's annoying, he likes my surname and has no interest in his Dad.

For DD she still holds out hope her Dad will one day stop being a wanker but is still 'Meh' about the name.

OP posts:
Summerisle1 · 14/01/2015 16:40

I just think he shouldn't be able to forget his kids and get on with life like they don't matter.

I can't see how changing their name would help then. That way they lose all sense of connection with him.

What I would say, from experience, is that changing my dcs surname was the biggest mistake I ever made. They told me they were quite happy to share the same surname as me - I had made a very ill-judged and hasty remarriage after their father and I were divorced - but actually, this was because they wanted to please me more than anything. Rather to my surprise, their father gave his permission for this too. When I left their stepfather after a very unhappy time for all of us, they begged me to let them change their surname back to the one on their birth certificate. Fortunately, since we hadn't gone the deed poll route, this was easy.

So all I'd say is don't assume that your children are mature enough to make the right decision about changing their surname.

AwakeCantSleep · 14/01/2015 16:40

WhoKnows just wondering why was your husband's wish for the children to share his name more important than yours? Or did you not care at all at the time?

Also if you are married and live as a family then it matters less since you all identify as a family anyway. However in the event of a split it seems far more sensible (to me) for the children to have their mother's name.

merrychristmasyafilthyanimal · 14/01/2015 16:43

I think at this stage in their lives YWBU to change thier names as that is what they have been used to having, they have probably had enough upheaval already without that on top. If they want to change thier names they can do by themselves at 16, not really all that long in the grand scheme of things.

LadyLuck10 · 14/01/2015 16:47

I think especially for your dd you should hold off till they can change it themselves. While she is still holding out hop for her dadSad don't add this decision too. She might just be saying it's ok but too young to fully process her feelings.

BarbarianMum · 14/01/2015 16:47

Well, if they want to change their names that's totally different and yes they should be able to.

Nolim · 14/01/2015 16:47

Awake: i don't think it is impractical to have different surnames in the same family, it is a minor inconvenience at most.
Having to prove that the name in the birth certificate has been changed is probably more impractical.

AwakeCantSleep · 14/01/2015 16:49

Number3cometome don't beat yourself up over it now though. If your boy wants to change name then it's worth thinking about it. With your daughter it seems like you need your ex's permission or you have to wait. Maybe you can make the name a less important thing by building a family tree with your kids, showing your side of the family as well as his? Just an idea. So they can see how the names change along the way but it doesn't change people's identity or how they are a family. Maybe I am up in the clouds with this idea though.

My mum was a single mum (and stayed single throughout my childhood) so I always had her surname (and still have!). I've never had a close relationship with my father, who also now lives in another country altogether. It would feel really odd to have his surname!

AwakeCantSleep · 14/01/2015 16:57

Nolim I am not purely talking practicalities though. The dad could have vanished from their lives. The children might have a very strong bond with their mother who they live with and is the most important person in their lives yet they don't share the same name. Someone who knows mum's name can't address child properly without asking for disappearing dad's surname. Mum gets reminded of disappearing dad every time she fills in a form or receives mail for the child. Or mum gets called Mrs disappearing dad by innocent strangers.

I am in no way saying that all fathers disappear from their children's lives, just that in the large majority of cases it is the mother who stays in the event of a split, and having a common surname with her children will reinforce the notion of their family being a unit, a 'team' if you like.

youareallbonkers · 14/01/2015 17:01

What happens if you get married in the future, would you want to change all the names then?

Doesn't your latest partner want his child to carry his name?

drbonnieblossman · 14/01/2015 17:03

I think it would be spiteful and unnecessary. There's no reason for you to change the names. Other than you "getting one over" on your ex. Think of your children first and foremost.

Nolim · 14/01/2015 17:13

Awake the reasons that you mention are emotional. I still think that practicality is more important.

And the assumption that the whole family have the same surname is based on the assumption that one of the parents (the wife in most cases) changed his/her surname. That is not always true and more people are finding a way around it. So i am not particularly worried about it.

shushpenfold · 14/01/2015 17:16

YABU to take his name from his children but you are very definitely NOT BU to claim for maintenance and back maintenance. His children, his name, his support.

sarascompact · 14/01/2015 17:25

"Doesn't your latest partner want his child to carry his name?"

"Your latest partner"? That doesn't sound very nice. Did you mean that to carry the inference it does?

The OP has already said that the child she's expecting with her partner will have both her surname and his.

brokenhearted55a · 14/01/2015 17:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 14/01/2015 17:36

Awake In our case it was for the reasons I outlined above (i.e. me being more closely linked by caring responsibilities, therefore redressing the balance a bit for DH) and because he liked the idea of sharing his name with them and I didn't mind not doing so at all. My DCs don't have any problem with not having the same surname as me.

PrimalLass · 14/01/2015 17:38

I have a different surname to my birth certificate (just started using a different one at 5 when mum got married). It has caused ZERO problems. None.

AwakeCantSleep · 14/01/2015 17:53

WhoKnows as long as your family is comfortable with the names that's all fine of course. As I said you are married, and you are presumably not bothered if someone calls you Mrs DH's surname. Or calls your children DC your surname.

What I find odd is that it seems to be the norm for unmarried (and even single) mothers in this country to give their children the father's surname.

SnowWhiteAteTheApple · 14/01/2015 18:00

I'd say leave them. They have had enough upheaval if you only left the ex last year and they already have a new adult in their life and new sibling on the way. They will still be adjusting so it's not the time for such an important decision.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 14/01/2015 18:12

Some times I feel like changing my DD's name to share mine. Her father is bob useless. I hate being called Mrs ex name. I was never his wife.

hiccupgirl · 14/01/2015 18:20

I would let your older child change his name if he wants to as he can. With your younger child, can she not just be known by your surname and then change it by deed poll when she's 16.

Lots of people have complicated name changes, it doesn't have to be a massive issue and the main thing is what the children want to be called.

My mum remarried when I was 5 and I kept my dad's surname as I'd started school and she felt it was complicated to change it. My brother who was 3 was known by our step dad's name. When he was 16 he changed his name legally so his exam certificates etc were in the name he had always used at school. Unfortuantly our step dad later turned out to be a complete waste of space so my brother then changed his name legally again to a shorter version that he'd been known as because he didn't want his children to have step dad's name.

On the other hand I don't use my DH's name in any way but DS has DH's name. It's never yet been an issue and DS doesn't seem traumatised by all the different names in our family!

GatoradeMeBitch · 14/01/2015 18:27

You are in no way being spiteful! Grin

My surname was changed to my stepdad's when I was five. It wasn't even changed by deed poll. I've never had a problem. When necessary I just include a note saying my surname was changed when I was young - it's never been questioned.

If your ds is keen, I would go straight ahead. If your dd isn't too bothered at the moment then that's just as well, legally.

Changing a name doesn't magically 'disappear' a father from his children's lives. He's managed to do that all by himself evidently...

limegoldfinewine · 14/01/2015 18:50

Agree with SnowWhiteAteTheApple

Also you said:

I feel like forcing this through court and just changing to my surname now, purely because he doesn't deserve to share a name with two amazing children who he does fuck all to support both mentally and physically.

I know I'm going to get flamed to hell but I think you are seriously in the wrong. The name is such a side issue. Shouldn't you be trying to help your kids deal with the pain of being rejected by their father, rather than get into pointless symbolic gestures?

And sorry to sound critical but you left your partner last year. You've already gotten pregnant and moved in another guy. On any other thread you'd be getting crucified but I guess an evil ex is an easier target? I can't help thinking that you left your ex partner for this new guy.

I'm sure your kids are hurting. Why not take some time to actually settle your life down? Maybe enroll the kids in school counseling and focus on what is important (your kid's welfare) not score settling with your ex? You haven't even sorted out maintenance. The time you waste trying to pick fights over this name is time you could spend putting food on your kid's table.

TeenAndTween · 14/01/2015 18:56

Your children can be 'known as' at school, though GCSE certificates would need to be in their legal surname. You can I think also be 'known as' for doctors etc.
But if you go that route you would still need to use legal surnames for passports, flights etc.

Bank accounts? Don't know if you can be 'known as'. If you can't then that could cause no end of confusion receiving cheques in 'know as' name but not being able to bank them.

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