To remove my ex's name from my childrens?

[Number3cometome]

I left my ex partner last year, we have two children together aged 11 and 7.

They have his surname and he is named on their birth certificates.

Since I left, my ex has seen the kids a handful of times and has not paid any maintenance. I have asked him to tell me what he can afford to pay - he says nothing. I have threatened to claim maintenance off him and he has responded with text messages saying I chose to leave him, my problem.

I was considering changing my children's surnames to double barrel with his surname and mine, but he will not sign the deed poll forms.

I feel like forcing this through court and just changing to my surname now, purely because he doesn't deserve to share a name with two amazing children who he does fuck all to support both mentally and physically.

I live with my new partner and we are expecting a baby in July.

I would like all of my children to share a common surname.

Am I being unreasonable to change my children's surnames back to my name?

Just wait and let it be their decision.
I think a divorce, a stepfather, a new sibling is all enough to go through in (max?) 18 months.

There's no rush.

Btw, I'm divorced and my child has XH name. Nobody thinks she isn't mine, and I'd be meh if anyone did.

I don't think names need to match, but I do think once given they belong to the child and by their ages, should have the decision about changing them.

I agree with limegold. I'm sorry that your last relationship was so bad but to leave it, meet a new partner and get pregnant within 12 months cannot possibly have been in your children's best interests- give the name change idea a couple of years.

I wouldn't change my name when my parents split. Family asked me why I'd want my dad's name after what he did. Missing the point entirely that it wasn't his name, it was mine.

Your DC seem to be on board but I'd still be very sure your DC understand what changing means - long term etc.

For those who have said I shouldn't have left my partner, moved in with another and got pregnant within 12 months you are totally judgmental and rude, my ex partner beat me and attacked my youngest child, I was unhappy for THIRTEEN years so how dare you make me out to be some sort of slag. I do hope nothing that happened to me ever happens to you. And as for you lime I didn't even know my now partner until after I left my ex partner so where you drew that judgemental conclusion from I don't know. How fucking dare you. He was an evil ex, he allowed me to go to hell and back and it took me years to rebuild my confidence enough to finally alert the police had leave him. Shame on you.

As for everyone else thank you for the good advice, I will leave well alone for now and see how things go with the kids.

casmama my question to you wasn't about my new relationship being good for my kids - but actually they have a fantastic life now and are very happy. Thanks for being judgmental though.

My mistake I left my partner in 2013 - keep forgetting its 2015 already!

I wouldn't change their name.

I understand that your ex isn't good at all (and please get your maintenance claim in asap - he should be supporting the children), but it's not just his name, it's their name.

You wouldn't dream of changing their first names at 11 and 7 so the surname should be no different.

If they want to change their name later then they can, but imo it should be their decision.

Never mind a constant reminder of the 'failure' to be a two parent family

wow. I never used my ex's surname. I don't have the same surname as my children. My children were all born within marriage. I like my name, my children have their father's name, that's the end of it. I am not a 'failure' because my marriage failed,nor are my children somehow 'second class' because they come from parents who 'failed' to be a two parent family. And indeed, had my marriage not 'failed' my children and I would still have different names.

Is this how people really think?

OP - you are being very unreasonable. Your children have a name. You can't just change it because your relationship broke down. You have to live with it. If, as they get older, they want to change their name because of their father's indifference then that will be up to them but at the moment, they're really too young, I think, to be making that kind of decision. We can't just change their names because our own lives have changed.

fedupbutfine this is not how I think at all. What I was trying to say is that by the children having the ex's name (who may have disappeared or otherwise be an idiot) the mother is constantly being reminded of her ex, and the fact they are no longer together (which isn't a failure! although random strangers with outdated views may think so). The ex may have been in their lives for two months but their surname is potentially for life.

I see what people say about the children seeing the name as theirs rather than their father's which is very healthy I think.

I wonder if a better default would be double barrelled. Then the children can choose to be known as double barrelled, father's name or mother's name, whichever suits best.

I saw a very sensible advice on mumsnet once: don't make any big life-altering decisions while pregnant. You are a hurricane of hormones inside, just wait. You are in no hurry. Why spend time wrestling with your ex when you have a new partner and a baby soon?

Whereismagic - that's what OH said! You're right - I'm hormonal and pissed off today, I will leave this decision until a later date and revisit with the kids how they feel

My DD has a different name to me, it certainly has never caused any problems. She is NC with her Dad but why should that mean she has to lose her name? (And it is HER name, that's what she was called from birth.)

However, when you revisit the issue, it may help to have some accurate legal advice because I think some of what has been said here is a bit wishful thinking and a bit 'it must be legal because I got away with it'. Current legislation means that you cannot change a child's name without the permission of all the people with PR. This includes causing the child to be 'known as' a different name against the wishes of anyone with PR. Schools, for example, as not supposed to allow this (and have been directed not to by the DFE). There are also some websites that claim to change your child's name by deed poll - they are a scam and the piece of paper you get is worthless.

Court would be the only route you could take and they are very reluctant to change a child's name. It would be expensive and far from certain. I would save my energy for pursuing a maintenance claim (and it is not relevant that you don't need the money - it is your DC's money - put it in an account for their future if you don't need it.)

Number3cometome

I'm sorry you went through all that. Your ex does sound evil and awful.

But your comments only make me more nervous. This is not about being a slag (no such thing btw - women should be able to sleep with whomever they like). It's more about protecting your children for unnecessary crap. If your ex was abusive and actually attacked your kids, their welfare is even more important.

You posted earlier that you were trying to get back at your ex because he's not interested in seeing the kids. Shouldn't you be making sure that he doesn't have any unsupervised access to them since he physically assaulted them? You should be over the moon that he doesn't want to see them. Why waste time antagonising him over crap that doesn't matter? If your kids really want to change their name to get away from their abusive father, do it without deed poll.

But it sounds like you want to change it so you can play happy families with this new guy. And I stand by my earlier viewpoint that this is pretty awful.

How is it playing happy families with my new guy when they aren't having his name? Him aside, the issue remainder. I have kept my children safe - I done all the right things, I informed the school, Gp, social services and then I left. The issue is my daughter want to see her dad, I can't be seen to be blocking that although he does that for himself.

I agree, i shouldn't change their name to spite him, I was just mad yesterday,