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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to feel as do about this and to think that DH is wrong?

75 replies

Marmiteandjamislush · 14/01/2015 14:59

Hi,

I was out shopping yesterday evening at the food market on the high street near us. This is an independent grocers, not a chain, which I think makes a difference. Anyway, I was in there at about 5:30 pm, shop closes at 6:00pm on Mondays. Went 'round and did my shop, when I got to the til it was about 5:50pm and the stock girls were going round taking damaged, out of date things of the shelves and put them in a box on the til. Just as I was paying, a young woman came in with two small children and asked if she could have the food in the box, which was marked as 'dead stock', because she had a delay in her benefits and couldn't get any food until it was sorted out. Not to be unkind, but they did all look hungry and their clothes, whilst not rags looked very faded and the kids were growing out of their trousers, so I believe she was genuine. The shopkeeper, (whose wife I know reasonably well through our ladies group and who I have done charity work with) said no, because I have to throw it out. So, thinking this was a legal requirement, I offered the woman a few essential items from my own shopping (couldn't afford to buy her extra) and the girls bagged it up separately, she thanked me profusely and asked for my address so that she could post the money when she had it. I said not to worry, I was glad I could help and that I never knew when I might need help and that I hoped she would pay it forward and she left.

Anyway, after she left, I was just collecting up my bags when the shop keeper said to me, quite aggressively, 'Really, Mrs X you should not have done that. That women is not from around here and now she will come begging from us every time she cannot manage her money! You have made a problem for all of us. Why do you think I told her I had to throw the stock away?'

I replied that I had not made any problem at all and that actually I would be very proud for our community to be seen as helpful to people who need help, because as I say none of us knows what circumstance will bring and we will all need kindness at some point.

I left then, but as I was walking back home, it really wound me up the more I thought about it. He and his wife are very active in the community and give off the impression that they are very kind, which I suppose they are but only to other members, which I think is a false kindness, as it ought to extend to everyone. So I decided that I would not use his shop anymore, but get the bus to the nearest chain or get a delivery as I am PG, because I don't think we should give our money anymore. Anyway, I told DH the incident and that I didn't intend to shop there again (I am a WAHM and do all the shopping). He said that whilst that is my choice, he doesn't support it and will keep going there himself, because he thinks it will be awkward if we stop altogether and people will notice and comment, which will make it awkward when I have baby #3 as some of the ladies may not want to come and help and support me, as all women do in our community, after the birth. I could understand this, but then he said, the woman was obviously seeing what she could get out of someone and you have always been a soft touch.

AIBU to be shocked at his and the shopkeepers attitude and to not shop there again?

OP posts:

QueenBean · 14/01/2015 15:03

Erm, I think that this sounds like a massive overreaction.

Don't stop shopping there just to make a point - you'll be cutting off your nose to spite your face.

How do you know that he wasn't worried about those people returning and stealing from the shop? He has his beliefs, you have yours.

And bigger things to worry about - don't worry about this, keep shopping there and what you did was a nice thing but forget about it

WorraLiberty · 14/01/2015 15:05

You should have listened to her I'm afraid.

You're thinking with your heart instead of your head, which is understandable but you aren't the one who has to work there day in and day out.

I worked in a similar store many years ago and we would regularly get people coming in, asking for free food...some of whom could get quite aggressive when told 'No, I'm sorry'.

I'm sure she knows what she's talking about.

Marphe · 14/01/2015 15:07

I think he's probably right TBH, she or others like her will make a habit of it if they're "successful". Whether that's right or wrong is a matter of opinion but if you're running shop it's probably not good for business to have all the local down and outs (sorry, how should I refer to them?) hanging about.

You did a good thing but I can understand why the shopkeeper didn't approve.

WorraLiberty · 14/01/2015 15:07

And actually I can't work out if you accusing her of 'false kindness' was naivety or arrogance.

Theyvallgone · 14/01/2015 15:10

I don't think you ABU - I think what you did giving that lady some of your own shopping was admirable :)
I can't believe the shop owner basically lied, saying they had to throw the stock away, just to avoid giving it to her. If you feel you don't want to shop there I think thats reasonable (in fact I'd be tempted to tell them why you weren't shopping there!!), why should you support them when they won't support those in need?

In terms of your husbands reaction ... not sure you can do anything about it, shame he can't see your point though.

p.s for what its worth - surely anyone going into shops at closing time and having to ask for food, while the kids are there, is in need of some help? Why would someone do that if they didnt' absolutely need to? Maybe I'm gullible but still ...

DaCapoAlFine · 14/01/2015 15:11

Whether or not it was the right thing for you to give food to the woman, the shopkeeper should not have told you off or been aggressive. You're allowed to give away food if you want, and the shopkeeper had already made it clear that the shop weren't going to give any, so I don't know why she was so worried about future begging. You did a kind thing, and were then made to feel embarrassed, so I think YANBU to boycott the shop. If it's noticed, good, it might make them think twice about being dicks over a small act of kindness.

Original poster

Marmiteandjamislush · 14/01/2015 15:12

I didn't say that to his face Worra, just thought it.It's just he and his wife do sometimes make other people feel they should do more, so this seemed like a front IYSWIM

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 14/01/2015 15:13

YABU. What Worra said.

Cobain · 14/01/2015 15:14

The fact the lady asked whilst you where getting ready to pay instead of waiting for you to finish would imply she was probably using your presence for her benefit either forcing the shop keeper or receiving some generosity from you. I would of done the same as you, but I would not refuse to shop there and I would believe the shop keeper.

Marphe · 14/01/2015 15:14

It sounds like this shopkeeper does do good in his/your community, even if he doesn't extend it as much as you would like. How much good do the large chain you would use as an alternative do?

WorraLiberty · 14/01/2015 15:15

I can't believe the shop owner basically lied, saying they had to throw the stock away, just to avoid giving it to her.

I can because I've worked in a similar environment and seen the problems it can cause shopkeepers.

They guy I worked for would give away mostly milk and bread that was going to go out of date, and when he didn't have any to give, that's when the problems would often start.

Once he started to say no, some of them would burst into tears or start shouting abuse at him. One guy even threw a tin of beans across the shop.

It's awful to have to say no when it goes against your very nature, but sometimes you just have to

DoJo · 14/01/2015 15:16

I understand all your perspectives, and FWIW, I don't think any of you are wrong. The shopkeeper has their business to think of, including other customers who might be accosted by someone who thinks they are likely to get a hand-out in there. As a business which presumably supports their family, they have to think of that first.

You are entitled to help whomever you want and if you believe someone is in need then giving from your own pocket is the way to go.

Your husband is thinking of the bigger picture, and whilst it sounds as though he can see your point, he doesn't have to come on board with your boycott if he feels it would be detrimental to your family.

YABU to think that everyone should agree with you - people have their own reasons for choosing the charities they support and the way they choose to support them, so trying to impose your preferences on anyone else is always going to end in a disagreement.

googoodolly · 14/01/2015 15:22

I think the shopkeeper did the right thing, tbh. Like a PP said, giving away stock is fine when you have it, but what about when you don't? If you give away food every day/week/month whatever, people come to expect it and if you don't have any one day, you're likely to run into problems.

You're well within your rights to give people your shopping or whatever if you want, but the shopkeeper is well within his rights to say "no". He can choose when and what he donates, and is under no obligation to give away his out of date stock if he doesn't want to.

Original poster

Marmiteandjamislush · 14/01/2015 15:25

Thanks for the replies. I can see that my reaction was a bit OTT, must be the hormones.

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 14/01/2015 15:26

"Are there no prisons?

Are there no workhouses"?

Yanbu

livingzuid · 14/01/2015 15:26

I don't think you are being unreasonable. And I think you did a really nice thing. It's your shopping to do what you will with and a bit off of the shopkeeper to have a go. It's not like you were giving their stuff away for free or chucking money at things like child beggars on the tube. I don't understand the logic that then leads to people always turning up and asking for stuff as it wasn't the shop owners giving it away but you. And I hate that whole 'we don't want people like that round here' attitude.

As a student we used to regularly get homeless people sleeping in the bus stop near us and always offered tea and biscuits which were gratefully received. I'd never give money away but a few food items? I don't see the problem.

I also understand your principle to not want to shop there again and think it is right. Otherwise how else do we take a stand against things we believe are wrong? I have done similar in the past and refuse to shop in certain places now. I'm with you OP.

livingzuid · 14/01/2015 15:28

Sorry should have added that I don't think the shopkeeper is being unreasonable for not giving their stock away and there is some legislation I believe around it (I think many large high Street cafe shops etc have deals in places with homeless shelters to raise money etc) but I still don't think they should have had a go at you.

Marphe · 14/01/2015 15:29

livingzuid, you can say you don't like the attitude of "we don't want people like you round here" but can you honestly say you would still frequent a shop where you were regularly bothered by beggars?

BroodySince22 · 14/01/2015 15:42

While I can see where you're coming from, I don't think you should put yourself out just to support a woman who you don't know. And you don't want to make enemies with the shop owners if you had a good relationship with them prior to this minor disagreement. You may never see the poorer lady ever again but you'll always be stuck with the awkwardness in your community :/

Jengnr · 14/01/2015 15:43

Anybody who would throw food away rather than give it to someone who needs it is a cunt. Yanbu.

WorraLiberty · 14/01/2015 15:48

Anyone who becomes aggressive and hurls abuse at shop keepers on the days they don't actually have free food to give away, is also a cunt and a scary cunt at that.

But it's what can happen, particularly here in a busy London shop when word gets around.

livingzuid · 14/01/2015 15:49

Why would you be regularly bothered by beggars? The op giving away a few food items doesn't mean the hordes descend on that shop. And no I don't care. If people beg and I have nothing to give I just say no. Stores that do have a problem have ime relationships in place with local charities who can help where the store can't and directed them there.

And I find the whole question of 'would I shop where beggars went' a bit grim.

Marphe · 14/01/2015 15:50

Yes, livingzuid, it would and as others have said it can lead to very aggressive behaviour when there's nothing to give.

WorraLiberty · 14/01/2015 15:52

Why would you be regularly bothered by beggars?

Again I can only speak about the shop I worked in, but many attended the local drug dependency unit. Some were regularly drunk, some I don't know the back story about so I couldn't say.

But it happens when word gets about, though I accept it could be area dependant.

Marphe · 14/01/2015 15:57

I think if you live in a pleasant leafy MC area where you rarely come across beggars (or drug users, which are often one and the same) in Waitrose it's hard to understand just how intimidating it can be.

Of course as a one off, someone who looks desperate and asks politely it seems the right thing to do to help them and it is. Faced with it in an aggressive way everytime you went shopping, I think most people would shop elsewhere. Maybe, living, you're a saint who wouldn't be put off, but very many would which would have a detrimental effect on the business the shopkeeper is running.

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