Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

AIBU to feel as do about this and to think that DH is wrong?

75 replies

Marmiteandjamislush · 14/01/2015 14:59

Hi,

I was out shopping yesterday evening at the food market on the high street near us. This is an independent grocers, not a chain, which I think makes a difference. Anyway, I was in there at about 5:30 pm, shop closes at 6:00pm on Mondays. Went 'round and did my shop, when I got to the til it was about 5:50pm and the stock girls were going round taking damaged, out of date things of the shelves and put them in a box on the til. Just as I was paying, a young woman came in with two small children and asked if she could have the food in the box, which was marked as 'dead stock', because she had a delay in her benefits and couldn't get any food until it was sorted out. Not to be unkind, but they did all look hungry and their clothes, whilst not rags looked very faded and the kids were growing out of their trousers, so I believe she was genuine. The shopkeeper, (whose wife I know reasonably well through our ladies group and who I have done charity work with) said no, because I have to throw it out. So, thinking this was a legal requirement, I offered the woman a few essential items from my own shopping (couldn't afford to buy her extra) and the girls bagged it up separately, she thanked me profusely and asked for my address so that she could post the money when she had it. I said not to worry, I was glad I could help and that I never knew when I might need help and that I hoped she would pay it forward and she left.

Anyway, after she left, I was just collecting up my bags when the shop keeper said to me, quite aggressively, 'Really, Mrs X you should not have done that. That women is not from around here and now she will come begging from us every time she cannot manage her money! You have made a problem for all of us. Why do you think I told her I had to throw the stock away?'

I replied that I had not made any problem at all and that actually I would be very proud for our community to be seen as helpful to people who need help, because as I say none of us knows what circumstance will bring and we will all need kindness at some point.

I left then, but as I was walking back home, it really wound me up the more I thought about it. He and his wife are very active in the community and give off the impression that they are very kind, which I suppose they are but only to other members, which I think is a false kindness, as it ought to extend to everyone. So I decided that I would not use his shop anymore, but get the bus to the nearest chain or get a delivery as I am PG, because I don't think we should give our money anymore. Anyway, I told DH the incident and that I didn't intend to shop there again (I am a WAHM and do all the shopping). He said that whilst that is my choice, he doesn't support it and will keep going there himself, because he thinks it will be awkward if we stop altogether and people will notice and comment, which will make it awkward when I have baby #3 as some of the ladies may not want to come and help and support me, as all women do in our community, after the birth. I could understand this, but then he said, the woman was obviously seeing what she could get out of someone and you have always been a soft touch.

AIBU to be shocked at his and the shopkeepers attitude and to not shop there again?

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 14/01/2015 17:35

'and where did the OP say she was going to head to Tesco? That's a huge jump you've just taken. '

She said it was a chain. They are all the same, putting farmers out of business, zero hour contracts, using workfare.

expatinscotland · 14/01/2015 17:36

'at mothers dressing themselves/their children to look specifically like beggars... really? plenty?'

Yes, really. It's a well-known tactic. It's not uncommon to even borrow a child or baby.

WorraLiberty · 14/01/2015 17:37

Yes wishmiplass particularly on the London underground.

They're known as professional beggars.

Have you never seen documentaries about them?

beautyfades · 14/01/2015 17:38

YNBU I'm with you on this op. It's mean.

Birdsgottafly · 14/01/2015 17:48

""at mothers dressing themselves/their children to look specifically like beggars... really? plenty?""

This isn't just a "Down South" problem, this is country wide.

The women are not always the Mother.

These situations have been popping up in Children's services for a couple of years, sometimes the claim is that the children are home schooled, but they are being put to "work".

The shop keeper knew that they weren't from the area, which would make anyone informed wonder how they came to be there.

What happens is they are dropped in different areas on different days.

Pensionerpeep · 14/01/2015 17:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cansu · 14/01/2015 17:56

I think you did the right thing. It is really none of t shop keepers business. I totally understand what you mean when you talk about people being big on charity in some ways but v mean and small minded in others. I would probably feel as you do tbh.

Hillingdon · 14/01/2015 17:56

Actually this thread reminds me of when I worked near Vauxhall station, There were regularly people hanging around I wouldnt want to meet if I was on my own and it was dark. I was stopped a handful of times and grabbed by my arm and asked for money. I was followed to the office one time by two drunk men.

I was asked for money for coffee and a sandwich and I also know that the small supermaket there regualrly had to throw out people who were begging.

Do I think you did the wrong thing this one time - no, actually I think you did something nice. However the shopkeeper and your DH have another view and I also agree with them.

So, really I am on the fence here!

BathtimeFunkster · 14/01/2015 18:10

It is really none of t shop keepers business.

It happened in his shop, so actually, literally, is his business.

But yay for things that make it harder for him to run his business, like encouraging people to beg in his shop.

gobbynorthernbird · 14/01/2015 19:02

"they're not from round here"

If they are not local, and don't usually use the shop, I'd be very suspicious as to why they happened to rock up at just before closing. I'd be hugely wary (as a shop keeper) of word getting round that freebies were given away.

Chillibox · 14/01/2015 19:08

I can't believe anyone could be so cold-hearted to refuse someone food if they clearly needed it and you were in a position to give it.

Giving money is a separate issue.

Original poster

Marmiteandjamislush · 14/01/2015 19:18

Thanks again for all of the replies. The posters who agreed with me have all summed up my feelings totally. However, I now understand the shop keepers reaction a little better, having read the experiences of people on here who worked in shops, so I don't think I will boycott the shop, as everyone has said though, he shouldn't have been rude to me. I have to say I am and at the idea of professional beggars. I don't go into the city, so I've never encountered this. I think though for my own well-being I will keep thinking that people are genuine.

OP posts:

SuchSweetSorrow · 14/01/2015 19:58

I agree with you, OP

You did a lovely thing

Eltonjohnsflorist · 14/01/2015 20:01

I think yabu. He doesn't want people begging for food in his shop every day.

gobbynorthernbird · 14/01/2015 20:18

Marmite, the shopkeeper shouldn't have been rude, but surely you can understand (now you've heard the other side) that he'd be annoyed?

vdbfamily · 14/01/2015 20:32

I think you did the right thing ingiving them some food. I think there may be rules for shops about giving away out of date food. I recently tried to check out at a local co-op with 3 cucumbers that had been reduced because of their date. I only wanted them for our guinea pigs. As they were scanned the shop assistant said 'I'm afraid I cannot sell you them,they went out of date yesterday' I said I did not mind the date as they were for our pets but they refused and said they had to be thrown away,so I asked if they would give them to me instead but she said that would be a sackable offence for her!!!! I went home so wound up but I expect they are scared of being sued or something. Ridiculous situation.

wishmiplass · 14/01/2015 21:36

I lived in London for 20 years and am familiar with professional beggars - have even had babies thrust at me while mums beg for money for food on the tube. Just Guess I prefer to think those are probably the exception to the rule.

Birdsgottafly · 14/01/2015 21:49

""I can't believe anyone could be so cold-hearted to refuse someone food if they clearly needed it and you were in a position to give it.""

You can't tell by looking at someone and listening to what they are saying if the "clearly need it".

Give what you can spare to someone who doesn't need it and someone who does, then goes without.

I worked voluntary for a local Welfare advice drop in. In my area/region, there are enough safeguards in place that means people don't have to beg for food for their children.

If that isn't the case where the OP or other posters live, then the real way to help is to question and rectify this.

There may be other reasons why those children are not adequately dressed and fed and other people thinking they are helping may just be propping up and elongating the neglect and/or abuse of those children, or even the Mother (if an abusive family/partner is the one forcing her to beg).

wishmiplass · 14/01/2015 21:55

I agree birds but I would personally find it hard not to hand over some food in the op's situation. The mum wasn't asking for money. In our area, you get 3 gos at the food bank in a year.

mytartanscarf · 14/01/2015 22:26

I think that if the hold-up with the benefits was genuine she would be entitled to another food bank voucher.

For me the worrying thing is that the woman asked the OP for her address. I might be a bit of a cynic but you might just find rather than a fast repayment that the woman in question has found another potential source of food.

SistersOfPercy · 14/01/2015 22:40

Most of the bigger chain shops are told to throw food.
As a teenager I worked for a very small store mum goes to. The back of it was a kind of sheltered courtyard and we had a few rough sleepers there. Company policy was food should go in the compactor at night but our manager, who was bloody lovely, would always leavea small box of supplies outside the back door.
We didn't become overrun with homeless people because of it.

fluffling · 14/01/2015 22:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fluffling · 14/01/2015 22:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KarmaViolet · 14/01/2015 22:51

YANBU. If they were genuine then you have done a lovely thing.

I would temper your niceness with a little cynicism "just in case" though - there was a reported scam near me recently where one person would be very well dressed and have their "wallet stolen" and ask for £10 for the train home, getting the kind victim's address to return the £10. They then have £10 and an address where they know the person isn't and an accomplice pops over to burgle them. So if I do think someone is genuine and give money then I never give my address.

HolyTerror · 14/01/2015 23:16

What interests me in the OP's post is all the references to 'the community'. The shopkeeper, who is charitably active 'in the community' but apparently only helps others in 'the community', the OP thinks it would be good if 'our community' were known for kindness, the OP knows his wife through 'our ladies group', and the OP's husband doesn't want to boycott the shop because it will cause talk, and women may not come and help after the OP's baby is born 'as all women do in our community'.

Is the subtext that the OP, DH, shopkeeper and his wife etc all members of the same ethnic/religious group, and the woman who asked for food (who 'wasn't from around here' according to the shopkeeper) wasn't?

Flip

1 2 3