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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel as do about this and to think that DH is wrong?

75 replies

Marmiteandjamislush · 14/01/2015 14:59

Hi,

I was out shopping yesterday evening at the food market on the high street near us. This is an independent grocers, not a chain, which I think makes a difference. Anyway, I was in there at about 5:30 pm, shop closes at 6:00pm on Mondays. Went 'round and did my shop, when I got to the til it was about 5:50pm and the stock girls were going round taking damaged, out of date things of the shelves and put them in a box on the til. Just as I was paying, a young woman came in with two small children and asked if she could have the food in the box, which was marked as 'dead stock', because she had a delay in her benefits and couldn't get any food until it was sorted out. Not to be unkind, but they did all look hungry and their clothes, whilst not rags looked very faded and the kids were growing out of their trousers, so I believe she was genuine. The shopkeeper, (whose wife I know reasonably well through our ladies group and who I have done charity work with) said no, because I have to throw it out. So, thinking this was a legal requirement, I offered the woman a few essential items from my own shopping (couldn't afford to buy her extra) and the girls bagged it up separately, she thanked me profusely and asked for my address so that she could post the money when she had it. I said not to worry, I was glad I could help and that I never knew when I might need help and that I hoped she would pay it forward and she left.

Anyway, after she left, I was just collecting up my bags when the shop keeper said to me, quite aggressively, 'Really, Mrs X you should not have done that. That women is not from around here and now she will come begging from us every time she cannot manage her money! You have made a problem for all of us. Why do you think I told her I had to throw the stock away?'

I replied that I had not made any problem at all and that actually I would be very proud for our community to be seen as helpful to people who need help, because as I say none of us knows what circumstance will bring and we will all need kindness at some point.

I left then, but as I was walking back home, it really wound me up the more I thought about it. He and his wife are very active in the community and give off the impression that they are very kind, which I suppose they are but only to other members, which I think is a false kindness, as it ought to extend to everyone. So I decided that I would not use his shop anymore, but get the bus to the nearest chain or get a delivery as I am PG, because I don't think we should give our money anymore. Anyway, I told DH the incident and that I didn't intend to shop there again (I am a WAHM and do all the shopping). He said that whilst that is my choice, he doesn't support it and will keep going there himself, because he thinks it will be awkward if we stop altogether and people will notice and comment, which will make it awkward when I have baby #3 as some of the ladies may not want to come and help and support me, as all women do in our community, after the birth. I could understand this, but then he said, the woman was obviously seeing what she could get out of someone and you have always been a soft touch.

AIBU to be shocked at his and the shopkeepers attitude and to not shop there again?

OP posts:
nutsinwinter · 14/01/2015 15:58

I don't think the shopkeeper was unreasonable to say no (for reasons mentioned above) and I certainly don't think you were unreasonable to help. But I do think your boycott idea is a bit of an over-the-top reaction.

(I think the shopkeeper was BU to be rude to you about it; I can see why, but I still think it was unnecessary and a bad business move. But I think you should forgive and forget. You did a good thing by helping the woman though. Even if not everyone is genuine, we as individuals can't turn our backs on people who might need help, eh?)

WorraLiberty · 14/01/2015 16:00

It's not just being put off as a shopper either, because most used to come at closing time anyway...but it's the members of staff who often have to face quite scary behaviour.

I was only 16 when I started working there and sometimes it scared the shit out of me.

Celestria · 14/01/2015 16:01

Yanbu. What a world we live in.

ChocLover2015 · 14/01/2015 16:02

I think they had some previous knowledge of this woman.
The other thing is they are in business to make money.Word gets about and you have droves coming in at closing time to get their stuff for free instead of buying it.

PlantCurtain · 14/01/2015 16:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Medoc · 14/01/2015 16:05

Gosh - it sounds as though you live in an Amish community or something!

LiviaDruscillaAugusta · 14/01/2015 16:07

Its very easy to be cynical though. I have lost count of the number of times I have been asked for money outside our local train station (when I am waiting around before going onto the platform). I have been asked by men and women and always get given a sob story.

I now refuse to engage with them because I am sick of it happening.

Perhaps the shopkeeper knew her and knew that she would be a pain in the arse in the future?

LadyLuck10 · 14/01/2015 16:10

You did what you felt was right. The shopkeeper did what he felt was right. You don't have the right though to demand what others should be doing. It would be foolish of you to use another shop to prove a point but that's your decision.

Bowlersarm · 14/01/2015 16:11

Whilst YANBU, I don't think the shopkeeper or your Dh are being unreasonable either. It's just a sad, difficult situation.

OnlyLovers · 14/01/2015 16:13

I think YANBU. But I'm probably a soft touch.

expatinscotland · 14/01/2015 16:14

'I also understand your principle to not want to shop there again and think it is right'

Yeah, take a bus to a chain, because supermarkets like Tesco are paragons of charity and valuing their employees, taking a stand, never participating in things like workfare. Hmm

Then the local shop goes bust and everyone has to get on a bus or use a car to get a pint of milk.

OTheHugeManatee · 14/01/2015 16:17

I think YWBU, though I see you've already posted saying you've reconsidered.

RaisingMen · 14/01/2015 16:17

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, and I wouldn't be able to bring myself to shop there again either.

BathtimeFunkster · 14/01/2015 16:20

I think YABU.

You're going to make a big song and dance out of the fact that a local business owner you know to be charitable and community-focused doesn't want to encourage people to come into his shop to beg for food?

Coffeethrowtrampbitch · 14/01/2015 16:33

Yanbu. I doubt a woman with two hungry children was going to kick off and assault the shopkeeper.

It was disgustingly cruel of him to lie about the food. I cant imagine being reduced to begging to keep my children fed, to be physically standing next to it, and to be told it was going in the bin and they could go hungry.

But that's ok, isn't it, because other starving people have become aggressive when refused food, for some unfathomable reason Hmm, so the well fed and solvent should treat all those in need like shit, just in case.

I would not shop there again, and I would tell him why. I think he was aggressive and unpleasant because you showed him the correct thing to do, and exposed his behaviour as unreasonable.

WooWooOwl · 14/01/2015 16:36

It's up to you where you shop, your husband can shop there if he wants to. He is not in the wrong. Nor was the shopkeeper in the wrong for not wanting to give away free produce, and that decision is none of your business and nothing to do with you.

You do know that plenty of beggars dress themselves specifically to look like they are in extreme poverty, when really they aren't don't you? The shopkeeper could be right that this will cause a problem for them.

hackmum · 14/01/2015 16:42

I think YANBU. You have to be pretty desperate to ask for food.

CPtart · 14/01/2015 16:43

Supermarkets are not allowed to sell out of date food, I suspect in case of repercussions, illness etc.
Where would the shopkeeper have stood if he gave it away and they all came down with raging D+V?

Clobbered · 14/01/2015 16:44

The shopkeeper was unreasonable to have a go at you, and he's lost a customer as a result of his rudeness. If he genuinely has a issue with begging and wanted to warn you off being taken in, he could have handled the situation much more sensitively.
I used to have to pick DS up from a particular venue where there were always beggars and they used to be quite aggressive and persistent. It's not nice to deal with, and I'm well aware that not all of them are genuine. However if approached by someone who is polite and asks nicely, I'd always try to help out in some way. I'd rather be conned than a cunt.

BolshierAyraStark · 14/01/2015 16:47

I can see where you're coming from but I do think YABU, do you think Tesco or Waitrose would deal with this any differently?

Your DH has listened to you & made his opinion clear, you can't force him to shop elsewhere.

firesidechat · 14/01/2015 16:53

I think you have been a bit naive op, but lots of people are about beggars.

We live in a tourist city now and it's been a real eye opener. You cannot rely on scruffy clothes and the fact that the children were with her to indicate real poverty. Professional beggars (they do exist) know how to look and what to wear to get what they want.

We have a large supermarket here and at least 50% of the customers use a pedestrian walkway to get to it. Almost every time I use it there is at least one beggar. They go there because you have to almost walk over them and they are impossible to ignore. I hate going there because you feel hijacked and they use it to their advantage. It is entirely possible that the lady you gave food too will go back to that shop again and do it again.

In short you did a lovely thing, but I'm with the shopkeeper on this one. I have worked in a local food shop and they tend to know their customers, good and bad.

expatinscotland · 14/01/2015 16:55

'I think he was aggressive and unpleasant because you showed him the correct thing to do, and exposed his behaviour as unreasonable.'

No, she didn't, she just bought some items of her own volition and gave them to someone.

livingzuid · 14/01/2015 17:16

Maybe, living, you're a saint who wouldn't be put off, but very many would which would have a detrimental effect on the business the shopkeeper is running.

Oh please. i' am not sure where me or the OP are declaring sainthood but there are also shopkeepers who do try and do something about it rather than come out with the 'not in my area' bullshit. And by the way not a sniff of a Waitrose in the areas I've ever lived in. Some of these comments are beyond snobbery.

Yeah, take a bus to a chain, because supermarkets like Tesco are paragons of charity and valuing their employees, taking a stand, never participating in things like workfare

and where did the OP say she was going to head to Tesco? That's a huge jump you've just taken. For all you know she might refuse to shop at Primark et al out of principle. And yes, people do choose to do this all the time. How some posters can't understand this is quite beyond me.

mytartanscarf · 14/01/2015 17:21

Plant something similar happened to me last week and it's horrible and has really put me off.

Round here there are a lot of stray cats and as an animal lover I want to feed them all. But sensibly I don't - I call the CPL - who can sort them.

I think the OP is better off donating to a food bank and I have to admit the story put about here would make me a bit cynical (but then I am a born cynic!)

wishmiplass · 14/01/2015 17:34

Hmm at mothers dressing themselves/their children to look specifically like beggars... really? plenty?