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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you should get legally married at a wedding?

124 replies

Montparnasse · 13/01/2015 21:58

I need you, oh wise MNers, to tell me if IABU here before I potentially stick my beak in where it's not wanted! Am prepared to be told IABU, I just want to know as don't have a sense either way.

Someone very close to me is getting married soon. The invites are out, RSVPs are in, final stages planning underway. BUT, she said to me that her and her DH to be are thinking of, instead of legally getting married on the day at the event where everyone is going to, they might instead go to a registry earlier that week or even (this is what horrifies me the most) the week AFTER the "wedding".

Where we live you don't have to get married in a church and the wedding/reception would be in the same venue, so the guests would turn up none the wiser beforehand.

We are very close and we have been talking about the wedding A LOT, and she does consider what I have to say. In the past I have played the "voice of reason" role. Of note, she is quite shy and I suspect she is nervous about standing up in front of others.

It's my view that at a stretch it's OK to get married in a registry beforehand and tell the guests when they arrive, but would be very poor form not to get married until the week after the "wedding" - I think if I traveled to a wedding and that happened I'd feel hard done by.

What do you think? Should I just butt out? Or AINBU?

OP posts:
Hobbes8 · 13/01/2015 22:04

So what is she doing at the wedding? My cousin got legally married the day before her wedding, because she was marrying an American and it wasn't straightforward so she organised the legal bit separately to the wedding day with friends and family bit. But she still had a ceremony on the day, and wore a wedding dress, and said vows and everything. The legal bit the day before consisted of nipping to a registry office with a couple of witnesses. It worked really well actually - the ceremony was lovely.

It doesn't sound like that's what your friend is planning though. Is she just going to announce she's married, then start the party?

evenherfartsarefragrant1 · 13/01/2015 22:05

So just a reception for the guests?
It used to be very usual (when less faith leaders could officiate) to do the legal bit separately and, if you have a faith, indeed some might prefer that. I have a friend who had 3 weddings one traditional chinese preparation ceremony, a registry office legal and a church wedding for her and partners new faith.

Original poster
Montparnasse · 13/01/2015 22:07

I'm not even sure about what they will do - I think a family member wants to do something "formal" although they aren't keen on vows etc

OP posts:
amothersplaceisinthewrong · 13/01/2015 22:10

You should butt out - her wedding, her call. Just be happy for your friend and support her.

It's not that uncommon to have a legal ceremony separate to a religious ceremony.

For me poor form is getting married with your children as bridesmaids/page boys. That to me is things done the wrong way round. But each to their own.

Hulababy · 13/01/2015 22:11

I got married abroad with just me and dh there. A quiet private ceremony where we exchanged vows together.

However on our return we did have a church blessing - it was pretty much the exact same ceremony as a normal wedding would be. We also had a reception party afterwards. We had 100+ guests and the day was treated by family and friends as a wedding day.

However I hate being centre of attention and all that. The ceremony abroad was ideal as it was just about is two. Then the church bit was for family and friends - I didn't enjoy standing at the front with everyone watching but it was fine. The party was great fun.

But the church ceremony wasn't for my benefit. Everyone knew it was a blessing but treated it exactly as they would have a wedding.

I see no real issue with this - many churches and other places will do a blessing type service - but I wouldn't lie to people and would tell them up front. I would find it very odd to have the ceremony before the actual vows have taken place.

WaitingForMe · 13/01/2015 22:24

I don't understand the problem. Venues where I live are really expensive so we did a DIY wedding with our own vows etc. It was lovely. We did the legal bit on a different occasion.

If anyone felt short changed then frankly they need more happening in their own lives.

seaoflove · 13/01/2015 22:27

I've only been to handful of weddings, but two of them involved the couple getting legally married at a register office before the ceremony. One was a Humanist ceremony, and one was a pseudo-Jewish ceremony in a secular venue.

I think people should be able to do what they like, really.

OrangesJuicyOranges · 13/01/2015 22:31

We had a humanist wedding and had to get the legal stuff done the week before. We exchanged rings at the wedding and no one would have known that it wasn't actually the 'legal' bit. I can't see your problem.

chocomochi · 13/01/2015 22:34

My sister did her legal bit a few days before the wedding (just family) and had a huge reception at the weekend. She and her DH exchanged vows and rings in front of the guests. In her words, "the legal bit isn't important".

Icimoi · 13/01/2015 22:38

Definitely keep out. The important part of a wedding is when the couple commit to each other, and I for one would feel it much more important for family and friend to be there for that bit than for whatever complies with the law. Friends of mine did this - they had a very small registry office wedding in the morning involving only close family, then they had their own beautiful outdoor ceremony that afternoon in front of a much larger gathering. It was at that ceremony that they made their own vows, and for them those vows were much more important than the form of words spoken in front of a registrar.

CallMeExhausted · 13/01/2015 22:47

DH and I were "married" on our wedding day by a vicar who is also a dear friend, and had a second ceremony later than evening to recognize my traditions. It was attended by our friends and family, witnessed by our closest friends, and we acknowledge it as our anniversary.

However... because of a strike by the employees in the office of the Registrar, we didn't have our paperwork in place. We spoke to the vicar and he agreed that as long as we got the paperwork and contacted him to officiate it at a time that was mutually agreeable, he was comfortable going ahead. We did not tell anyone but DH's mum.

Once we got the certificate, we called the vicar and ended up formally marrying during a break between sessions at a conference we were all attending.

The legal paperwork was a technicality and a promise we kept. Our wedding, however, was a celebration we shared with friends and family - we remember it fondly (and quietly laugh about the fact that we technically have 2 anniversaries).

Allow her the day - it is none of your business (provided, of course, that you are not her witness and required to sign her marriage certificate).

AuntieStella · 13/01/2015 22:47

My guess is that they forgot to book a registrar (assuming perhaps one came with the venue), have only just found out, and are now flailing to get one close to the booked reception.

Yes, I think it's weird to have the reception before the wedding, though like others see nothing odd in having a small legal service ahead of the big celebrations. But no, don't stick your beak in.

ReindeerBollocks · 13/01/2015 22:52

YABU. DH and I had a legal wedding seven months before our 'official' wedding.

It threw people - knowing we were already married and having a wedding day with religious aspects was completely dumbfounding to some guests.

But we had to have our legal wedding when we did due to both DH and I undergoing major surgery at the same time- the religious wedding felt like an opportunity to celebrate our vows, in the presence of our 'god' with our friends and family, and obviously celebrating the joint surgery success.

ReindeerBollocks · 13/01/2015 22:54

YY to Callmeexhausted having two anniversaries is a right pain in the bum! DH and I never know which one to formally celebrate.

senua · 13/01/2015 22:55

In her words, "the legal bit isn't important".

It's the most important bit!Shock Otherwise it's just another (expensive!) party.
From the above comments, it seems quite common to have a 'double' wedding. A colleague had a religious wedding but didn't trust the holy man to do the paperwork properly so had a registry wedding the previous week to make sure that the legals were watertight.

dixiechick1975 · 13/01/2015 22:57

I went to a humanist ceremony several years ago. Was a Uni friend of DH so I didn't know couple well.

Ceremony was in a marquee in a field. I knew they couldn't legally marry there so thought it odd but didn't say anything (not sure if law has since changed) I didn't say anything.

At the start of the ceremony the announced they had legally married the day before - an audible gasp went up and the atmosphere was really odd and deflated afterwards.

They clearly hadn't made it known to even family.

MuscatBouschet · 13/01/2015 22:59

In some ways I wish we had done the legal part separately. The day with all the guests was so exciting and overwhelming that I found it hard to reflect on the enormity of what I actually doing.

WizardOfToss · 13/01/2015 23:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

riverboat1 · 13/01/2015 23:02

In France this is very common. It's not possible to get legally married in church, you HAVE to have the legal ceremony at the town hall. So depending on where/when you want your religious ceremony (presuming you want one) couples often get officially married in advance of the actual 'wedding'. Though many do do both ceremonies on the same day.

I don't think it's a big deal.

SolidGoldBrass · 13/01/2015 23:02

I am a humanist wedding celebrant and all my clients get 'legally' married the day before, the day after, a week later, etc. People who are Jewish, Muslim, Sikh, Shinto, Vaudun or whatever also have to have a separate legal 'wedding' with a registrar present if they get married in the UK and want their marriage to be legal in the UK. (Though humanist wedding ceremonies are now actually legally binding in Scotland).
Dixiechick, I read your post and thought 'that celebrant made a right cockup of the announcement by the sound of it.' We usually make only a passing reference to the 'legal formalities' and big up the fact that the ceremony we are conducting is what the couple consider their real wedding.

WhitePhantom · 13/01/2015 23:08

Getting the legal bit done beforehand doesn't seem too strange, but afterwards does seem strange alright!

Original poster
Montparnasse · 13/01/2015 23:14

WizardOfToss you are right, I probably am over involved on account of being so involved in the planning. Time to step back, methinks!

And thanks for all the other advice - I shall not say anything! Am so glad I came here first Smile

OP posts:
WizardOfToss · 13/01/2015 23:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WineWineWine · 13/01/2015 23:22

I don't understand why this would concern you at all. It's absolutely nothing to do with you. I hope they have a lovely wedding.

ChippingInLatteLover · 13/01/2015 23:34

My (now ex) BIL got 'Married'. Only he didn't. His divorce hadn't come through in time (he'd been separated from his first wife for ages, but they'd not got around to getting divorced). No one knew on the day, he told us (his brother and I) a few weeks later. I did feel a bit duped. It was a long way to go, it was very expensive to get there and an enormous amount if hassle...and they actually didn't get married... So, just a party really.

I think it's fine if you know beforehand, it's just a bit weird when you don't. I felt like a bit of a muppet tbh. Seeing them take their vows, being pronounced man and wife, signing the register etc...all fake. Them pretending to be getting married.

I've been to celebrations of marriage where they've been married else where first, all fine, for whatever reason. Quite happy to celebrate it in any way they choose, but I don't like being made to feel a fool.