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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think you should get legally married at a wedding?

124 replies

Montparnasse · 13/01/2015 21:58

I need you, oh wise MNers, to tell me if IABU here before I potentially stick my beak in where it's not wanted! Am prepared to be told IABU, I just want to know as don't have a sense either way.

Someone very close to me is getting married soon. The invites are out, RSVPs are in, final stages planning underway. BUT, she said to me that her and her DH to be are thinking of, instead of legally getting married on the day at the event where everyone is going to, they might instead go to a registry earlier that week or even (this is what horrifies me the most) the week AFTER the "wedding".

Where we live you don't have to get married in a church and the wedding/reception would be in the same venue, so the guests would turn up none the wiser beforehand.

We are very close and we have been talking about the wedding A LOT, and she does consider what I have to say. In the past I have played the "voice of reason" role. Of note, she is quite shy and I suspect she is nervous about standing up in front of others.

It's my view that at a stretch it's OK to get married in a registry beforehand and tell the guests when they arrive, but would be very poor form not to get married until the week after the "wedding" - I think if I traveled to a wedding and that happened I'd feel hard done by.

What do you think? Should I just butt out? Or AINBU?

OP posts:

Sinkingfeeling · 13/01/2015 23:35

I'm a Registrar and it's extremely common for couples to have the smallest wedding possible with just themselves and their two witnesses in a Register Office for £50, then go on to have a church blessing, a humanist ceremony, a pagan celebration, or just a huge party afterwards. We still call the ceremony in the Register Office a 'wedding' (because it is!) but most couples refer to it as 'doing the legal paperwork'. There's probably a variety of reasons people do it this way - often bride and groom are from different cultures so they go on to have another celebration in another country at another time, or they don't fancy paying the huge prices hotels with licences for civil ceremonies charge and they're have much more freedom of choice with where to hold the celebration afterwards.

fluffymouse · 13/01/2015 23:37

solidgoldbrass that isn't true. Many faith leaders are also able to conduct legally binding weddings.

I certainly had a religious (not Christian) wedding which was also a legal ceremony.

dixiechick1975 · 13/01/2015 23:44

SolidGoldBrass that was the phrase used at the start of the ceremony the celebrant said x and y got married yesterday but they consider today to be their real wedding.

Just seemed odd they hadn't told people so no one was surprised (i'd guessed it wasn't a legal wedding due to the venue but from the audible gasp others hadn't)

Sinkingfeeling · 13/01/2015 23:56

The law in England and Wales hasn't changed, dixiechick. You can still only have a legal marriage ceremony in a register office, a religious building licensed for marriage or a non-religious building with a licence for civil ceremonies. A legal marriage can't take place in a marquee because it's not a permanent structure and doesn't comply with the licensing regulations.

ZingTheGreat · 13/01/2015 23:56

we got married in registry office as had to sort my Visa out the next day at the British Embassy.
then we had the church wedding a few days later, and although close family came to the legal wedding the church wedding mattered to us more personally so we invited everyone to this and has the dinner & party in the evening.

getting married in registry office after church wedding just doesn't feel right to me but I don't know if it is a legal problem.

I wouldn't say anything btw

ZingTheGreat · 13/01/2015 23:56

oh and we got married in Hungary if that helps

Shelby2010 · 14/01/2015 00:16

I think it depends on whether the couple are planning on having any kind of ceremony. If they are having the legal marriage the day before and then exchanging vows (or whatever) at the wedding then fine. However if they are inviting the guests to their wedding & then guests are sent straight to the reception & told them they missed the ceremony.... well that's a bit weird!

Perhaps the OP can clarify what the happy couple are actually planning for the big day?

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 14/01/2015 00:47

As pp have said this is very common practice for faiths and non-faiths where the celebrant or venue is not licensed to perform a legal marriage. However, that doesn't mean the vows/prayers/hymns/promises/words of support from the congregation don't mean anything. I find it very strange that you would be so judgemental about how the paperwork part is done op?

I liken it to buying a house: you complete the paperwork at the point of exchange but it only becomes real and meaningful when you get the keys and move in.

We did the registry office paperwork a full two weeks before we had our humanist wedding. We made our vows at our wedding in front of our dearest family and friends. It didn't mean anything less because we signed the paperwork before. I doubt anybody cared so long as the promises were sincely made.

The vows are the important bit in a wedding; not the state's recognition of the marriage.

CallMeExhausted · 14/01/2015 01:51

Uh-oh, Moving ... In our case, DH "moved in" before we exchanged paperwork.

I suddenly feel so naughty

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 14/01/2015 02:04

CallMe. Maybe tenants who bought their rental?

I don't think it really matters which way round people do it or even if they do both bits at all.

A wedding is where a couple, their family and friends publicly recognise and celebrate a partnership and the marriage is where you get state recognition. How important either bit is is fairly subjective and it is possible to have one without the other - it's just traditional in the UK to do both together.

Tradition is often over rated IMHO.

Bogeyface · 14/01/2015 02:05

We had a humanist wedding so had to do the legals at the registry office. Except I misunderstood the notice we had to give so we couldnt do it beforehand. Due to various reasons we didnt get legally married until 6 months after our wedding, so we threw a curry and beer party that evening to celebrate again. Most people hadnt realised that we werent legally married but happily turned up for free booze and food!

We celebrate 2 anniversaries between ourselves, but both think of our humanist ceremony as "Our Wedding" and the day we got married.

For us a big part of it was the fact that our budget was teeny, and to get married in a registry office was about £100, but to have the same person perform the same ceremony 500 yards down the road from the registry office would cost jsut shy of £500. We couldnt justify the cost, especially when we had a poet friend of ours who created a far more beautiful and personal ceremony for us and was really eager to do it. It was lovely :)

Bogeyface · 14/01/2015 02:06

Oh and the best bit about having the legals 6 months later was that I got to wear my wedding dress again!

TheNewStatesman · 14/01/2015 02:18

We did this. It was slightly annoying for us, because it means I can never remember the date I got legally married on (for filling in forms etc.) But this is normal in Japan.

ZingTheGreat · 14/01/2015 03:22

Bogey

I had 2 different wedding dresses & 2 different bouquets, we had 2 lovely celebration dinners (a smaller restaurant one after the official wedding) and 2 very memorable days.

I struggle to say the correct date for forms as for us the church wedding is our real wedding day, the one that matters. the registration was a mere formality.

nice to have 2 wedding anniversaries , 2 chances we might do something special!

Original poster

Montparnasse · 14/01/2015 04:02

Fair enough - IABU!

I suppose the part I didn't like, now I reflect on it, isn't so much the 2 stage process, more the fact that guests will come expecting one thing and will then find it's another.

But, as others have said, their wedding, their rules.

OP posts:

Jengnr · 14/01/2015 05:14

One of my best friends had been married almost a year on her wedding day. We only found out in church. Nobody knew, not their parents, their daughter, anybody.

It was like neighbours. A gasp went round the church. Was ace :)

BathshebaDarkstone · 14/01/2015 05:28

Well I think it's up to them, but I see your point. I'd love our marriage to be legal but our government doesn't recognise pagan marriages yet. Having your children as bridesmaids/page boys: what about children from previous relationships? DD was a star at our wedding, she dumped all the rose petals on the floor!

sashh · 14/01/2015 07:23

People who are Jewish, Muslim, Sikh, Shinto, Vaudun or whatever also have to have a separate legal 'wedding' with a registrar present if they get married in the UK and want their marriage to be legal in the UK.

Not true any more, well not always true, I went to a Sikh wedding and the registrar can in and did the legal bit (was the only bit in English) in the middle.

Nut is used to be that anything not in a C of E church was not legal (with a few exceptions) so RCs, Methodist, Jewish, anyone not C of E had to do the legal bit separately.

I wonder if Prince Charles' wedding guests felt "hard done by"?

Igneococcus · 14/01/2015 08:48

Absolutely normal in Germany too. Registry wedding often only bride+groom and two witnesses then a church one if you like one. I don't think you could have the church wedding before the registry wedding, not unless the rules have changed.

CalamitouslyWrong · 14/01/2015 09:05

My sister had a legally-binding Islamic wedding ceremony conducted by a registrar.

(Further info: he was really crap, and BIL had to keep hurrying him along in the ceremony; he was also several hours late because he was watching the cricket. I think he might have been the worst registrar in the entire world, tbh. I'm sure other, competent registrars are available to conduct Islamic weddings though).

Hulababy · 14/01/2015 09:48

We see our actual wedding/marriage day as the day we did the legal bit - the one done abroad just the two of us. That's when we first took our vows etc.

Our blessing was just that - a blessing of our vows and marriage. And the party was to celebrate the wedding - whenever that had taken place.

At the marriage there was just me and dh.

At the blessing we had bridesmaid, best man, ushers etc.

5Foot5 · 14/01/2015 13:35

I'm not even sure about what they will do - I think a family member wants to do something "formal" although they aren't keen on vows etc

Aren't keen on vows!??

Now that's the bit I find odd. How exactly do they define marriage if they aren't keen on making any kind of vow / promise / commitment?

ZingTheGreat · 14/01/2015 13:44

5foot

good question

maybe like this:

Groom : "Are you ready to rock and roll?"
Bride : "Hell, yeah"
Registrar: "You're married, dudes"

songbird · 14/01/2015 13:59

Maybe they just mean 'aren't keen on standing up in front of everyone to do their vows', which isn't unreasonable at all.

My friend hates being the centre of attention and got married in a registry office last Easter, with just both sets of parents and dd and me there. They then waited until August to have a MASSIVE party in their garden, with marquee, catered bbq, welly wanging and splat the rat, produce show, beard competition - a village fete, basically. There were about 150 family and friends there, who brought presents, so it was and wasn't a wedding party. A fantastic couple of days (borrowed the field next door for camping!) and totally 'them'.

songbird · 14/01/2015 14:00

And actually what's most weird is that they haven't made a decision (or booked the registry office) when all the invites have gone out.

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