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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you should get legally married at a wedding?

124 replies

Montparnasse · 13/01/2015 21:58

I need you, oh wise MNers, to tell me if IABU here before I potentially stick my beak in where it's not wanted! Am prepared to be told IABU, I just want to know as don't have a sense either way.

Someone very close to me is getting married soon. The invites are out, RSVPs are in, final stages planning underway. BUT, she said to me that her and her DH to be are thinking of, instead of legally getting married on the day at the event where everyone is going to, they might instead go to a registry earlier that week or even (this is what horrifies me the most) the week AFTER the "wedding".

Where we live you don't have to get married in a church and the wedding/reception would be in the same venue, so the guests would turn up none the wiser beforehand.

We are very close and we have been talking about the wedding A LOT, and she does consider what I have to say. In the past I have played the "voice of reason" role. Of note, she is quite shy and I suspect she is nervous about standing up in front of others.

It's my view that at a stretch it's OK to get married in a registry beforehand and tell the guests when they arrive, but would be very poor form not to get married until the week after the "wedding" - I think if I traveled to a wedding and that happened I'd feel hard done by.

What do you think? Should I just butt out? Or AINBU?

OP posts:
WeAreEternal · 14/01/2015 20:45

I have been to four wedding where the couple were legally married at a registry office before/after the actual wedding. two were due to the type of ceremony they wanted one was due to one of the couple being american, and the fourth was due to the wedding being abroad.

I have also been to three weddings were the couple were not legally married at all.
One couple changed their mind but didn't want to disappoint everyone so had the wedding but didn't sign the register or make it legally official. they are still together 10 years later, have two kids and consider themselves married.
The other two couples never had any intention of getting legally married but wanted to make all the promises and commitments that a wedding gives, without the legal officialness of a marriage, one of the couples even legally changed their names to mr and mrs same surname. Both couples are still together.

MaryWestmacott · 14/01/2015 20:51

I have been to a lot of 'weddings' that weren't legally binding, but then DH lived in Europe for a long time and a lot of his friends have settled in France and Luxembourg where weddings are only legally binding if held in the town hall/registary office. it's perfectly normal to do the 'legal' wedding one day but count the church wedding as the wedding for the couple and their families - I do know people who've only had the legal part and while planned to, never got round ot the church bit and extended family don't consider them to be married properly.

For a lot of people, like SGB said, it's the ceremony that matters, the promises - which you don't need to legally make - the blessing from their religious leader - which again, you don't legally need to make. The signing of the register is just the bit that they have to do - often in churches you don't watch that as it happens in a different room and some friend of the bride or groom murders so classical piece of music while you all wait... Grin

Also celebs often go for the 2 weddings as a legal church wedding needs to be open to anyone to attend in order to object. However, if you are only having a blessing (which can differ in no way to the legal church wedding other than the register not being signed), then you can refuse entry to randoms/not invited people.

FightOrFlight · 14/01/2015 20:57

I appreciate I'm going to be in the minority here but I'd feel 'meh' about celebrating a "wedding" if the couple aren't actually married.

I can totally understand the getting legally married prior to the wedding celebration but not if they do it after. Surely that makes it a belated engagement party?

I guess if you are upfront then nobody is under any misapprehension about it. I would still be thinking it was just another party for an unmarried couple though. Would still attend as I love a good knees up Grin

On a side note, if the couple had a massive row at the fake wedding prior to the marriage then didn't go ahead and get legally married would they have to return the gifts?

MaryWestmacott · 14/01/2015 20:59

5foot5 - you know you don't have to have any vows in a civil wedding at all? You just have to confirm your name and that you are free to marry and chose to marry that other person, then sign the register. Anything else, any vows, promises etc is just stuff people chose to do, it's not part of being legally married.

hambo · 14/01/2015 21:10

I was planning to get married in a beautifulvenue...big dress the works. Found out dh did not have the correct visa and we would not get it in time fir our big day...folks flying in from accross the world@! So I stiffened my lip and organised a humanist wedding. He agreed to word his speech carefully so no one knew we were not legally married. We even pretend signed a book! I told the bridesmaids who were also our witnesses and no one else...perhaps my parents....I thought if the guests knew before then the gravity of the event would be lost. We got married 10 months later when I wss 8 months preg in my mums dining room!

Trills · 14/01/2015 21:11

I don't think it matters anywhere near as much as you think it does.

Personally I think that everyone should have to go to a government office to formalise their legal agreement, and then they can go and make whatever flowery promises they like in whatever setting they please.

Andrewofgg · 14/01/2015 21:18

mummytime One of the friends who married in his college chapel considered a special Archbishop's licence but he and his fiancee decided that they could do better things with the money. Fans of Dorothy Sayers will remember the wedding by special licence in Busman's Honeymoon. The church where it "happened" is a genuine church in Oxford.

WineWineWine · 14/01/2015 21:23

I guess if you are upfront then nobody is under any misapprehension about it.
I don't understand why any guest would actually care though. What difference would it make to anyone else? It's just the way they have chosen to have their wedding. It has no effect on any guest.

mummytime · 14/01/2015 21:29

It didn't cost that much when I got mine (£90 instead of about £40 for a registry office one).

I felt like someone from a Regency romance, they always dash off to get a special license don't they?

mummytime · 14/01/2015 21:33

Just looked it up, to get married at my local registry office costs £100 (total). An archbishops special license costs about £250.
£150 is nothing in the cost of the average wedding.

FreeWee · 14/01/2015 21:37

I went to a 'wedding' abroad, only to find out the week before that they really got married in our home town that week!!! I wish I hadn't spent all that money travelling to somewhere I wasn't even watching them get legally married. Lots of different opinions on this thread but I was personally cheesed off and felt conned. Anyone can watch a registry office wedding so I could have popped along to that (literally round the corner from where I work) and saved myself £500!!! Wasn't invited to that though. Nor DH despite him being 'best' man... Hmm

BlueEyedWonder · 14/01/2015 21:38

My brother has lived in the far east for the last decade and married a woman from there a few years ago. Their legal marriage was all dealt with out there.
His wife being obsessed with all things english wanted an english wedding in a white dress in an old english building.
Quite honestly I felt it was all a bit tacky and cringe. But. Not my wedding. Not my money. Not my business. Smile and support your friend in what she wants.

Bogeyface · 14/01/2015 21:42

In a registry office (or ours at least) you get three options for the wording.

The first is "Are you legally free to get married? Do you A take B to be your husband/wife?" thats it.

The other two are that but with a bit of flowery wording thrown in too. Its legal but it isnt especially meaningful to a lot of people. Thats why we had a humanist ceremony. We wrote the vows with our poet friend who performed the ceremony, and it was beautiful.

You can be legally married without taking vows, but to many people taking vows is what it means to be emotionally married. I am divorced so marrying in a Catholic church was out, H is Catholic. I am also atheist so another church was out. The registrars service didnt seem enough for us, you can write your own vows but you are not allowed to mention religion in anyway, which is very limiting especially as that includes the music. The only way we could do it was to create our own ceremony. There was a piece of music we both loved that wouldnt have been allowed in a registry office. Its more restrictive than you think.

SconeRhymesWithGone · 14/01/2015 21:42

Fans of Dorothy Sayers will remember the wedding by special licence in Busman's Honeymoon.

Especially the gold lame wedding dress. Smile

TooManyMochas · 14/01/2015 21:51

I'm a Christian and much prefer the arrangement in some continental countries whereby everyone has to conclude a civil marriage and is then free to have whatever religious or non-religious ceremony they wish. It frees up both the church and the state to do their own thing.

BiteySwan · 14/01/2015 22:45

I went to what was billed as the wedding of a very dear old friend. They had a church service, and as it was in Scotland, I guess even the regular churchgoers amongst us weren't sure of the form. Jamie announced in his speech that they'd actually done the deed several weeks earlier. Audible gasp, as per PP, and then everyone just got on with the ceilidh. It probably helped that it was a massively posh do on the family estate so we were all feeling a bit mouselike anyway.

Original poster
Montparnasse · 14/01/2015 23:36

Interesting views on this thread!

Regardless of what I may or may not think, you'll be pleased to know that I have since met up with the bride-to-be to discuss wedding planning and didn't say a thing about their plans as am butting out! Their wedding etc ...

The idea seems to be meeting some resistance among her immediate family who have arranged for the wedding itself off work as have to travel but not the days around it and have expressed disappointment that they thought they would be seeing her get married and feel that now they won't be. But, again, I guess it's their wedding...

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 14/01/2015 23:43

Actually, I do think that those of you who are whining about not being there at the 'legal' bit should get over yourselves. Someone else's wedding arrangements are not about you. And the 'properly married' emotional clout that you want from a 'wedding' comes from the vows-and-rings bit, not the form-filling.
Also, please bear in mind that for some cultures (and, to a point, some legal frameworks) a marriage is not completely legal and valid until PIV has taken place. Do you think you've been cheated/misled if you don't get to watch that bit?

Trills · 14/01/2015 23:45

the 'properly married' emotional clout that you want from a 'wedding' comes from the vows-and-rings bit, not the form-filling

Yes.

You are watching the bit that MATTERS.

Original poster
Montparnasse · 15/01/2015 00:07

You're right, not my wedding. I just hope that there are vows and rings or some semblance of a ceremony at all at the wedding as she wasn't even sure about that! The more she talks about it the more it sounds like they want to go straight to the party.

But, like all of the other guests, I guess I shall turn up and find out on the day.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 15/01/2015 00:12

Totally agree.

Would you want to be at the exchange or the housewarming? The conception or the baptism?

Often events are not about what they are but what they mean.

My wedding was not a legal marriage ceremony, but it meant far more to me and my husband than the legal obligations we fulfilled at the registry office, which is why we did that on our own (with 2 friends as witnesses) but invited all of our nearest and dearest to our wedding.

Bogeyface · 15/01/2015 00:12

That is "totally agree with Trills"

Original poster
Montparnasse · 15/01/2015 00:22

I suppose it is a bit like complaining that it's disingenuous to have a birthday party on any day apart from your actual birthday ....

OP posts:
ChippingInLatteLover · 15/01/2015 03:04

A wedding is a ceremony uniting people in marriage. That is what it is.

Inviting people to a wedding, when you aren't actually getting married, there and then, is like inviting people to your house for dinner and giving them coffee & couple of chocolates, telling them that you ate earlier or plan to eat when they've gone home.

Invite them for coffee and chocolates if you want to, but don't tell them it's a dinner invitation.

SGB. It's really rude to keep telling people they're whining, simply because their opinion differs to yours.

ChippingInLatteLover · 15/01/2015 03:08

Mont. It's like having your birthday celebration with whomever is important to you on the day, then telling everybody it's your Birthday on a totally different day, pretending that day is actually your birthday. It's fine to have the party another day, but don't pretend it's the main event, don't pretend that day is actually your birthday.