To feel guilty about only having 1?

[Kab13]

I don't really want to be a parent all over again. It sounds harsh but we don't get a lot of help (not that we should do or anything) and dd was such hard work when she was little. Bad colic to start, resulted in little sleep for 6 months, she hated being put down so couldn't even put her in the buggy to go out, spent pretty much 6 months on my own, in the lounge bouncing her over my arm to get her to stop crying.
Anyway , things have just started to get a little bit easier- she's 2, going to nursery for 2 half days, sleeps ( even if she is up at 5am) and I enjoy her a lot.
However I am loving the freedom of having a toddler and can't imagine going back to the start all over again.
People always ask when my next one will be and look saddened when I say I doubt there will be another . I'm usually told I will have another when she's older etc.
I think I saw a thread similar to this the other day but I can't find it!
Is it that bad to be an only child? I have two sisters and I barely see them :/

Of course yanbu.

It is completely rude of people to a) ask, and b) then pass judgment on your answer.

We chose to have 2, quite close together. I love how they are best friends (for now) and love being a little team of 4. But it is bloody hard work. Won't be having anymore.

Each to their own. And anyway, it has been concluded through scientific research that only children are much happier (in childhood). Because basically, sibling bullying is rife and often not addressed. I hated still do my sis when were young, she made my life hell.

I really want another but the thought of going back to square one terrifies me too. I never meet anyone in RL with this attitude and I totally agree that folk expect you to have more and seemed confused by any indication that you might not have another.

The thing that niggles me most is that I found it hard the first time.....WITHOUT another little human to care for. I need to continue to meet ds1's needs, could I do that with a newborn? But people do, every day, people manage. I keep going back and forth.

I guess ultimately you have to think long term. Imagine your dd at school and a toddler - that might seem more manageable than dd now and a new baby?

It's probably the hardest choice you'll ever face! Good luck op. And if you don't want more, then don't and bollocks to everyone else. It's your life and there are loads of perks to having one.

Of course not. I have 3, but many of my friends have chosen to have one child. In many many ways I am envious of the opportunities that they are able to give their children, and the time and energy which they have for them. There is not one of these children who seems to be detrimentally affected by being an only child (quite the opposite). It's a legitimate choice.

Yanbu.

We decided to have 1 child. Not an easy decision for me at all, but the right one overall. DD is 8 and I still feel sad about it sometimes but other factors influenced our thinking.

If people ask you about it, try to develop a couple of phrases to get them to back off. One of mine is, "it's complicated". It is complicated...it's not as simple as many seem to think.

Do what is right for you and your little family.

YANBU to have one child

feeling guilty is neither BU or NBU, if you feel guilty about not having more is regrettable.

if you decide that your choice to stop at one then whatever your reason is it doesn't actually matter.

yes, in the future you may regret stopping, but you can't predict the future so you must do what you think & feel right now, with the available information.

I hope that stopping at one will not make you feel guilty, a lot of singletons don't wish they had siblings and a lot of people wish they'd never had a sibling.

It's a tough decision and I wish you good luck

YANBU.

There's nothing at all wrong with choosing to only have 1 child, and there's benefits too - your child isn't going to have to share you with a sibling, for instance. And siblings don't always get along. I know of some spectacular and messy sibling fall-outs within my extended family.

We have 2 DC, but we tried for DS2 because we wanted another child, not because we thought DS1 would somehow be deprived without a sibling. And at times, DS1 has clearly resented having to share our time and attention with DS2.

OMG Kab, I just logged in to write this very post myself! I won't hijack but I also think YANBU. My husband wants another and seems to have developed amnesia about the awful ordeal that was me giving birth 3yrs ago!

Why do men have selective memory like this btw? I always joke that if men had to go through it, esp when things go tits up and the birth plan goes out the window, there would be more families with 1 child only! I'm convinced...

But it's not just the birth experience, I really couldn't go through all of the early days/months again and the hard slog, I'm 39yrs soon too, so that plays a part. But then I wonder if I'm depriving my girl of a better quality of life if she were to have a sibling and the guilt rears up briefly. It would be interesting to know of any studies done on the effects psychologically of having only 1 child. The pros and cons.

I do feel it's a myth tho, that kids with no siblings are selfish and spoilt. Surely it's all to do with upbringing and ensuring your child is well socialised? But, yes, there is always the expectation from other people ( esp relatives ) too.

My gut instinct says no, I would be having another child to keep others happy ( cos it's considered the norm in society to have siblings ) to the detriment of my own mental/physical wellbeing, which would ultimately effect the children. Remember, I'm getting on now, in child-bearing terms!!lol. But society has a lot to answer for in how we view our behaviour as normal or abnormal, I think.

I had mine back to back because I knew, that like you, once any part of my life had got back to normal I would not want to have another baby, so I completely get where you are coming from.

I am an only child and never regretted having no siblings. There was no squabbling in my house, no having to share and all the parental attention was mine. I was entirely happy at home.

My children love each other but are such different personalities and at times the clashes between them wear us all out. A life without such things would not be a lesser life in any way.

I have an only abd feel no guilt whatsoever. Nobody has ever said I should have more, and when anybody asks if I'm having more I laugh and say 'god no".

Mumsnet is a parallel universe to me sometimes, where people seriously consider making huge life decisions such as how many kids to have because of the twitterings of old ladies at bus stops.

The only reason to have any baby is because you really, really want to. I have no idea how anybody copes with more than one, but I know I'm a minority on that and society thinks that women Want Babies. I don't and never have.

Feel guilty if you think you've been an uncaring or neglectful parent. Not for simply choosing to have one child.

Having a sibling is no more a guaranteed route to life long happiness than having one child is a guaranteed route to lifelong misery. Parenting is about so much more than that. Focus on what is really important instead.

YANBU

I felt exactly the same as you and only have one child, he is 22 now and have never regretted only having the one. I've also no idea how people cope with more than one and if anyone asked me if I was having another, I just said no. DS seems to have had a happy life and we have as a family and who knows whether it would have been better or worse with more children.

Gosh, definitely yanbu.
You do what's right for your family.
I have four (much to the horror of my mother, who thinks 1/2 is ideal) but Jesus, It's such hard work and horrendously expensive.

My eldest seems to be in a class of only children. I sometimes feel sad when I see them walk off with their mummy's, chatting.

I'm always harassed and "dealing" with things!

Your child will have your utmost attention. That's a fantastic gift.

Oh, that sounded like I wasn't happy with my gang!
Of course, I am. And we've been through such a lot.

But, in answer to your post yanbu.

YANBU. I love having one (5 y.o. DD) and we get so much quality time with her. The only reason to have more is if you really want to. Ignore everyone else - people stop asking at a certain point anyway and just accept it after a while! My DP never wanted more and is an only himself so when people have asked me I just bluntly say that he doesn't want anymore. He has said he doesn't mind. Funnily enough, men don't get asked!

We probably have to work a bit more on our social life (getting together with other families at weekends etc.) than if we had more who were close in age, but that isn't a bad thing!

Don't feel guilty OP - I am an only child and had the most wonderful childhood and have a wonderful relationship with my parents now. I'm spoilt rotten. I have decided to have 2 - and that's it. It's a personal decision. Listen to YOUR self not anyone else.

Personal decision to have one, or sometimes, even if you'd like more, it just doesn't happen. No idea where "feeling guilty" comes into it, tho. There might be some regret that the only doesn't have a sib, but 'guilt'? Don't get that at all

My DS is only 9 months and I have this internal battle all the time. I know DH would be happy with just one and in some ways I would be too but at times I feel quite sad at the thought of not having another. I feel sad for myself and sad for DS

I think having one child is an entirely different thing from having more. It's a totally different lifestyle.

You can expect to have to be her playmate a lot more, to include her in adult life more. You do have more freedom to go and do things as a family, but Christmases (etc) can feel small. I think you have to be a bit more hands on and a bit less free range. In some ways it's more work than having more (obviously more kids brings more of the household work - admin, cooking, cleaning, laundry, taxiing.)

How easy/difficult it will be is going to depend a lot on her personality - but then that would be the same for a sibling group. If she's introverted and independent she'll probably enjoy having space to herself, if she's calm and thoughtful then you'll probably find discipline easier as you have a somewhat more equal relationship. OTOH if she's extroverted you'll find yourself having to arrange constant playdates or do stuff with her ALL the time, she might not cope well with you switching roles between fun playmate and disciplinarian, between expecting her to act maturely and fulfil a more adult role some of the time yet a childish role at other times. I struggle with DS with all of these things. I suspect he would love it if I was the kind of person to throw myself into it and focus my life totally on him but I'm not. I want to be more hands off but I don't really get the chance to be without being grumpy (so, I'm grumpy :( ). We're seriously considering getting a dog so that he has someone to play with.

This has come across a bit negative now but I didn't intend it to be - with the right combination of child and adult personality it's a really very special relationship. With the more independent/introvert child, whether you're hands off or hands on it's probably the easiest of all. With an outgoing child and a parent who wants to be more hands on you can have a lot of fun.

The expense/freedom thing is a big thing too. More kids are expensive. The expense means you're effectively tied down a lot more too. We can jump on a plane with DS and go to Spain for less than £500 if we wanted to. You can't do that when you have more DC - it's not just the plane tickets it's the hotel rooms, the hire car/cost of public transport when you get there, keeping passports up to date, paying X times for food out, entrance fees, clothing, etc. I do like that, it's probably the best part of having one child.

I have one child and won't be having another through choice. The only reason to have a child - any child, whether your first or fourth - is because you want to have that child.

No reason whatsoever to feel guilty, and tell the nosy commenters to mind their own beeswax.

I ended up having to point out to my mil - who was not reading my polite attempts to change the subject or to suggest I didn't welcome continual chanting of 'an only is a lonely' - that maybe having one child you can afford to feed and clothe just might be a better idea than having five in a one-room flat by the time you are 22, without it ever having occurred to you that postponing more offspring on the grounds of indigence might be a good plan.

BertieBotts - all good points.

One was enough for me. Don't regret it in the slightest.

I read the other day that by 2020 53% of couples will only have one child. It is becoming the new normal with the ever rising cost of housing etc.

As long as they have plenty of social interaction with other kids I don't see a problem.

I think we are/were conditioned to think that 2 or more kids is the norm.

Yanbu.

Dd is an only, at 3.7. I was told I couldn't have children, so to have her feels like a miracle.

I loved being pregnant but the birth was horrendous and I have no intention of going through that again.

Dd and I are extremely close, and we have lots of fun together, but I am 41, and doubt I could muster the energy to play and learn with dd and look after a newborn as well.

I know one is enough for me, I do sometimes think it would be nice for her to have a brother or sister, but having a baby I didn't want to give dd a sibling is a horrible reason to have another child.

I know I feel better now, reading through these responses to Kab's post. I especially identify with Bertie's comments on cost. We can't get away from the reality that it's expensive and real - life issues like this need to be taken into consideration.

My husband's family are all in India and we've not been since I had my little girl ( 3yrs ) due to cost. So she's never met any of her family! And mine ( I wrote another thread re this ) are neither use nor ornament! We are definately goin this year tho.

People get carried away with the ideal but I'm a realist. My husband bases his views on his childhood, as he's close to his bro and sis. I have a half - bro I haven't spoken to in 20yrs. So it also boils down to the individuals' own experiences from being a kid, which influences their expectations and desires for their own family planning.

Kab, if you do have age on your side, then you very well may feel differently in years to come. You could, for instance, afford to leave a larger gap before changing your mind and having another in 5 or so years. Just to theorize. Nobody knows what will happen in the future. Hell, if I'd been in my 20s when I had my daughter, I might have done just that!

But, when I referred to feeling guilty at times, it was also guilt at depriving my husband of a 2nd child, not just a sibling for my daughter. But then reality bites and I think it would be me again goin thru the awful pregnancy/birth, the early months of hard slog with a newborn but with a young child to consider too this time, and the idea of a career for myself a distant memory!...Women have to make all the sacrifices but ultimately, it's what YOU and only you want. Listen to your inner voice/instinct and to pot with anybody else.

Plus, there's always the possibility of adoption further down the line. At least for people like me, who will be "over the hill", so to speak, regarding pregnancy.