To feel guilty about only having 1?

[Kab13]

I don't really want to be a parent all over again. It sounds harsh but we don't get a lot of help (not that we should do or anything) and dd was such hard work when she was little. Bad colic to start, resulted in little sleep for 6 months, she hated being put down so couldn't even put her in the buggy to go out, spent pretty much 6 months on my own, in the lounge bouncing her over my arm to get her to stop crying.
Anyway , things have just started to get a little bit easier- she's 2, going to nursery for 2 half days, sleeps ( even if she is up at 5am) and I enjoy her a lot.
However I am loving the freedom of having a toddler and can't imagine going back to the start all over again.
People always ask when my next one will be and look saddened when I say I doubt there will be another . I'm usually told I will have another when she's older etc.
I think I saw a thread similar to this the other day but I can't find it!
Is it that bad to be an only child? I have two sisters and I barely see them :/

YANBU. Not at all. There is nothing lacking in being 'an only child'. People often say 'oh, but its nice for them to have a sibling'. Is it? Really? Why is that a given? I have two. They rarely get along. DS1s life was not enhanced by the arrival of DS2 - if anything he has 'suffered' because of it (for lots of reasons which I won't go into) and has resented DS2 since the day he arrived. An only child isn't being hard done by because they haven't got 'a sibling to play with'. That's nonsense. That's what friends are for. If you can't face going back to square one, then don't.

If your only/main motivation to have more children is about providing a sibling, and you look at it in terms of cost, that's a very expensive toy! :)

(I know a sibling isn't really just a toy, I was being lighthearted, different way to look at it, though!)

We had our DC2 because we never wanted just one. I don't know why. I thought it was sad to see an only child sitting at a family meal on their own, patiently listening to adult conversation. I now realise that an only child can have a wonderfully idyllic life. All that attention, and space. Especially once they are at school. Home can become their own little sanctuary.

Having said that, I love watching my two plot and plan with each other (4 & 2). They're a troublesome twosome ready to go forth into the world together. It's wonderful.

We had our two close together. I got pregnant when dc1 was 1. The difficult baby stage was a hazy memory and we were left with this hilarious little toddler - I couldn't wait to make another.

But, the stress of dealing with a newborn and a toddler was insane. Impossible really. I was an awful parent at that time and expected far too much from my 2yo. This was when she started biting her nails (and still does).

3 years down the line I have been thinking that maybe we should have waited. But, now the pushchair is in the loft and DC2 is about to start nursery and I'll start to work again, I know there's no way I would have had another if we'd waited.

And of course cost has to come in to it. When DC2 had turned one we very nearly thought about having a 3rd!! But by then we knew we wanted to privately educate so 3 was just totally out of the question.

There are pros and cons. Definitely. But the thing to remember is that neither way will ever be the wrong decision. You will love the child or children you've got whatever you decide. The only wrong decision would be to now follow your heart.

I think the thread about only children you mentioned may have been mine. My DH and I are undecided about having another child. We change our minds almost daily. We are currently a very contented unit of 3 ( we have DD 14 months), neither of us is desperate for another baby but we know that if we had another we would adore him/her. We also worry we will regret it one day if we stop at one. We have agreed that we will wait a couple of years, concentrate on enjoying DD and then revisist the subject. It may be that one of us has started to crave a second child by then and if so we will have another but if not then that's OK. I am an only child and had a lovely childhood. I never longed for a sibling and I wasn't lonely. My Mum was told she was "selfish" for not giving me a sibling and that it was "a shame" for me which is ridiculous . I think one child families are becoming much more common now and these sorts of attitudes change. Do what works for your family, stuff everyone else.

Thanks everyone's for your responses. It's just good to hear that only children aren't lonely, selfish and have rubbish boring childhoods. I have two sisters myself that are much older than me- 15 years in fact and sort of felt like an only child myself and I really didn't care.
I think we will give it time as I'm still reasonably young so plenty of time to think about it.
Definitely won't be having one unless we think it's what is right for us & dd.
Sometimes in moments of "guilt" I feel I owe her a sibling!

I hated pregnancy and dread the thought of going through it again. Some people (mil, fil) have been going on about 'the next baby' since dd was about a month old. She's only 6 months and the pressure is steadily getting worse. They make me feel like I'm some sort of breeding cow. It's good to hear reassurance about having only children.

Sorry for hijacking, I needed to vent! Thank you for starting this thread.

This is a topic close to my heart at the moment, I have one and just feel in my gut that ones enough for me. I am very 'maternal' and for as long as I remember I knew I wanted to be a mum, but now I have my DS I just don't feel the urge for another AT ALL. My DS is amazing and love him more than I ever imagined I could love anyone or anything but I just don't want to start again. Ever. My family feels complete. For me its a case of trying to deal with comments from others who seem to feel it's selfish/cruel/ depriving my son to not have a brother or sister. I need to come up with a stock response I think to shut them up.

jasmine if you think up a good shut them up stock response please share it with me! Apparently repeatedly saying 'I don't want to be pregnant again' isn't enough.

jasmine

it's so irritating to have to do that, isn't it? if only people could stop themselves with the thinly veiled critisism, judging and being down right rude!

we are at the other end of the scale and I have to have stock responses for why we have a big family.

you can not win. 1 or none or 16 - you can't win.
and infuriatingly enough you can't just reply "none of your bloody business"

whatever you decide I wish you (and everyone on this thread) all the best

I could have written this post myself, OP!

I have a son, my wonderful beautiful miracle after three MCs, he's now approaching his second birthday and I am asked on a weekly basis by some well-meaning family member or other whether we are going to have any more. DH definitely does not - he already has two from a previous marriage, so at the weekends we are a house full already! And as for me, I keep going back and forth...

DS is my world and I want to be able to give him the love and attention he needs with nothing standing in the way of that. He is not a spoilt child and shares well with others at nursery, rarely tantrums (yet!) and is affectionate and cheeky. I also struggled with a brief period of PND and continue to struggle with postnatal anxiety, and not sure whether having another would make my fears even more intense.

My main thoughts on having another are twofold... first, just to give DS a playmate. Someone to share his childhood with, to reminisce with as he gets older, to remind him of things long forgotten. Someone to lean on when me and DH are gone (morbid but true). And the second, even more morbid reason (but a truthful one) is that should anything ever happen to my DS (I'm welling up as I'm writing this), I would have another child to carry on living for, a reason to keep going. I don't know what on earth I would do if I lost him now (this is where most of my anxiety comes from).

Just being honest. I'm as undecided as you are. But on the whole, I would say that you are not being unreasonable to want just the one. It's a perfectly legitimate and ultimately wise choice! Just make sure it's what's right for you and don't let society pressure you into making a choice you're not ready for.

Bertie - don't get a dog

I remember just giving birth to our DD (who is nearly 2) and saying, whilst lying there, well I've got my pregnancy and birth badge, im done. And i havent changed my mind
I have waivered momentarily in the last 2 years, I will not lie. Then within about 5 minutes, i think to myself, no no no.
we are so happy as a little unit of three, I adore my daughter, and after 2 years of pnd, stitches and surgery after birth, colic and reflux, we finally have a sleeping through, properly eatin, beautiful, funny little thing that is my world. We can afford to go on holiday, not have to move house, its a no brainer.
i hate the you'll change your mind, give it a few years. Er no, we are having one, thats it.

I hope you're NBU because I'm in the same situation. Before I had DD I wanted 2. I grew up as an only and for various reasons, I didn't want that for my DC.

However, after a fairly rough pregnancy (SPD from 12 weeks), a horrendous labour and then PND, the thought of going through that again is terrifying. I've also now discovered that there seems to be some lingering long term depression and i may be on long term medication, and I honestly dont know if I could cope with all that plus another child. We've got no family support, so if I'm having a rough spell, it's all on my husband, which doesn't seem fair.

would it be fair for my beautiful daughter to have a mother on the edge of a nervous breakdown just to give her a sibling? But is the guilt of not giving her a sibling relationship going to eat me up and make me feel worse?

Aaargh, even typing that has made me cry-not sure that adding pregnancy hormones or new baby stress on top of my mess is going to be a sensible idea

I always seem to end up on these sort of threads making the same point. Having a child simply to provide a sibling is a very risky strategy. People have a habit of looking at it with rose tinted lenses, imagining loving brothers and sisters happily playing together and growing up with only good times and joy to share. For some this happens but for plenty of others it isn't like that at all.

I know lots of people who grew up constantly fighting with their siblings and now only really see them at family gatherings. For others, like me, a sibling might end up playing a profoundly damaging part in their lives.

I am only having one through choice. I don't feel bad about this. I hated pregnancy, birth was hell, and the newborn phase was horrific.

I find being completely open about my choice stamps out any comments. If anyone mentions it I just laugh and say 'goodness not a chance! One is more then enough!' If it is pushed I just point out that we got 2 kittens instead, who are much cheaper and more fun then babies

Reading with interest as it's something I think about already and DS is only a few months old.

We always thought we'd have 2,maybe 3 but now I'm almost convinced DS will be an only. After 4 mc and a very difficult pregnancy followed by a 2 week spell in SCBU for DS I don't think I could put us all through it again, particularly as all mc required surgery. I just feel that we were so lucky to finally get our boy why go back to the worry of pregnancy again.

However, DH is already wavering! If we were to have another I think they'd need to be quite close in age as can't imagine getting some normality back and then having a baby again and, ideally, I would like to be done by the time I'm 30. We do get help from family with childcare though so we'd need to consider impact in them too

Sorry, total brain dump! But glad others have the same thoughts! OP definitely YANBU!

I think there are advantages and disadvantages.

Loads of attention, plenty of things you need/want, nobody fighting with you is all good.

I am nearing 50. Everybody I know wants to retire - they all hate work by now, can't abide the thought of another 20 years.

The only one of us who has retired is an only dc through inheritance. DH and I as one of three don't have a hope.

There is no rule that says you have to have two. Loads of people I know loathe their siblings. I do really like mine - but I didn't when we were dc. And being the third I was very much a forgotten/can't be bothered thing. I pretty much looked after myself.

I'm torn about this at the moment too. I loved being pregnant and I love being a mum, really love it. But I'm 39 and ended up having an emcs under GA after many hours of manageable, almost pain free labour, and it was a bit touch and go for me for a while. My DH thought that he was going to lose one or both of us, and he's not over that yet, or ready to consider it actually happening if there's a next time.

I feel terribly guilty that we might not have another baby, but it's not just my decision. It's hard.

GrannyGoggles Why not? We're not only getting a dog for someone for DS to play with, DH has wanted one for years.

(Worried now about some dire reason!)

I don't have any children yet but for what it's worth: I was an only child. I loved it. My parents focused all their attention and resources on me, I didn't have any siblings to fight with, I got opportunities I wouldn't have had otherwise and I grew up to be a normal, independent adult. Also, more than half the people I know are not all that close to their brothers and sisters.
My DP and I are talking about children - he really wants 2, I'm not so sure, I'd be fine with 1.

I am an only child, and I have an only child, and he will remain an only child. Even if you asked me as a child, I always said I just wanted one, and my opinion hasn't changed. I just never saw myself as having anything other than that. I'm a single parent by choice anyway, so much easier with just one.

If anyone one asks I just laugh and say 'good god no! The next one might be a total turd' and change the subject. I find that if you make a joke of it, then most people don't question you any further. If you try and justify your decisions, then they think they have a right to try and change your mind.

Read 'One and only' by Lauren Sandler. She goes through the many hundreds of studies which have been carried out concerning the happiness, sociability, adult success, loneliness etc etc of only children. (Only children have proved a fascination for researchers, but the results never seem to make it into the mainstream, whose opinion remains largely - and wrongly - suspicious of 'onelies'.) While individual experiences of being an only child may differ, the evidence is that being an only is a good thing indeed, especially for the child. So don't feel you must have another child for the sake of your DS. Have another child only because YOU want one. I was very, very ambivalent about having a second, for all sorts of reasons. That book helped me come to the conclusion that our family's needs are best met with one child. For the benefit of all of us.

Oh also, I wanted to say - when people do that rude thing and ask if I want any more, I just grin and say "If you get it right the first time, why try again?"

Yanbu. I could have written your post OP, I really could!
DS is 2 and I love him dearly, but by God, I'm not going back to square one again to go through 15 months of waking every 1-2 hours with a colicky/ reflux baby....thank God DS mostly sleeps through now but when he doesn't, if he is ill and he starts waking at night again it kills me. I truly couldn't do it all over again.
Also, my marriage wouldn't survive another. Having a sleepless baby for so many months put such a huge strain on my marriage and we fought so much....we are only just recovering and starting to rebuild our relationship.
I get angry too when people tell me I should have another and I feel like telling them to shut the fuck up!

That is a good answer phoenix!