Access Arrangements AIBU to ask how you organise these?

[stickingpoint2]

Problems (I thought) were resolved are not. So I thought perhaps the diverse and problem solving people of MN could help.

How do you arrange access? Ex will not answer a phone to me and now his voicemail doesn't pick up. We used a calendar but that doesn't work for him.
I object to emails (but answer them) as he is pretty damned aggressive (no response within 5 days then off to a solicitor).
He changes plans frequently and his work patterni doubt it but giving him the benefit of the doubt) means the eow (as in divorce) is a long forgotten pipe dream.
Suggestions please!

Have you tried mediation?

I'm not sure what the rules are wrt him having to attend, but if he doesn't, then he is the one who is missing a reasonable effort to do the best by your dc. They need stable, regular contact... or cut their losses and have none. I know it seems incredibly harsh (and I am all for fathers' rights) but it is the dc who suffer when he changes plans ad lets them down. I guess it depends on their ages as to whether you could ask what they want.

Keep a log of when he does/is expected to see them and the outcomes. Also log phone calls, emails etc and any meetings such as mediation. That way, if he decides to take you to court to see them, he cannot possibly argue that you have not tried. It will look bad in his favour and he may receive an order to attend access sessions unless he has a very good reason.

Hth

For clarity, I mean log ALL calls etc, even if he doesn't answer or attend.

Use emails with a read response on them and print and keep his. Also you can divorce him after five years separation without any input from him. Are finances sorted?

Thank you. I shall look that up and start doing that.
The calendar suddenly not being suitable for him has given me the rage as with his very erratic 'free' weekends it has been the only way I can attempt to plan family time at weekends.

We have been divorced for 4 years. Contact has been up and down like a yoyo and I think in that time he has averaged one weekend a month.

I feel we are back to the post separation days, but fortunately he hasn't randomly turned up at my house demanding entry as he did then

How old are your DC? What do they want to happen?

Could you not be very clear about when they are available for contact then plan your family time around that. If he doesn't turn up I know that causes practical as well as emotional problems but at least you are being consistent.

They are 6 and 8.
They would prefer more often and some dinner type meet ups. So I push for eow (which he agreed to, he has changed jobs many times but hasn't agreed to review to a suitable pattern).
If his work are insisting on an erratic weekend work pattern I am unsure if he is pushing back to get a pattern as it is all very last minute.

We've been separated 5 years. I feel bloody awful that my daughters have had this most of their lives.

I don't think cutting their father out of their lives because of my rage with his chaos would be fair of me. We have managed to get to a point where they enjoy time with him. Also, he has recently moved in with his partner and has been insisting on more time (though this is words to date) and accusing me of refusing contact. If I kick up a stink now I fear the girls will associate this eith his new partner who is very nice and has improved his behaviour.
i do not wish to create problems in the girls relationship with their dad and sort of step mum.

Thanks. That does help. He is very good at 'twisting' things and tells the girls 'mummy must have got it wrong'.
Which bloody hurts, they adore him and hang on every word