to have challenged my dad about how he verbally abuses my mum?

[mummytowillow]

In a nutshell my dad verbally abuses my mum. He literally can't stand her, it is written all over his face when he even looks at her and he is foul mouthed, and at any opportunity will put her down.

They don't sleep in the same room and do nothing together apart from shopping (he only goes because she can't do it on her own). He scoffs and makes fun of any activity she does and makes unpleasant comments about her friends.

She tells me all the time how he is with her and seems quite sad a lonely at the situation she is in. I have a brother, who is aware of how my dad is, just shrugs his shoulders and is not interested. (Sadly he is very much the same with his own wife).

My mum isn't a well woman and can be difficult regarding her illnesses. This requires some biting of the tongue and patience. But he hasn't got any with her.

He refuses to help her with basic tasks, such as opening packets, carrying things etc. He was very ill a few years ago and we all rallied round and did everything we could for him, including my mum. He seems to have forgotten this.

Here are some examples of how is with her:

She is overweight (not lots and is following a diet club), but if she eats something he doesn't agree with he calls her a fat b-h, a greedy fat fu-r and numerous other obscenities.

If she buys something with her own money, out of her own account that he doesn't agree with, he gives her such a hard time about it she takes it back. She bought something with me recently to help her bad back, she went home and he told her she was fking puddled, so she took it back.

He has told her she can't speak to him unless he speaks to her, unless its about his grandchildren (he has three granddaughters).

She recently fell in the kitchen (she falls a lot), and he stepped over her and told her she was fking stupid. She'd hurt her hand and he reluctantly drove her to A&E (I was at work and she didn't tell me until the next day) They sat there for 10 hours and he didn't say one thing to her or offer to get her a drink.

She walks with sticks, if they have to go out to a function etc he won't help her and lets doors go on her so she nearly falls over (I've witnessed this and managed to stop her falling, while I was trying to sort my daughter out as well).

So today I've been to their house, he again is making derogatory comments to me saying she's lost to the plot, she's stupid etc. I also found out that he is now monitoring the phone to see how many calls she makes and the cost.

I'd had enough, so asked him if his granddaughters came to him and said their husbands were verbally abusing them, what would he think. He actually had the nerve to say he wouldn't be happy.

So I asked him why he thought it was OK to swear and call his own wife names and all hell broke loose.

He said its none of my business (probably true) and keep my nose out of other people's business. He said from now on, if I call at their house I'm to given them notice so he can go out as he doesn't want to see me.

He said I don't look after my daughter properly (this is totally not true and he was scoring points there). He also told me the reason I'm on my own (I'm divorced) is because I don't do as I'm told and have too much to say!

They have been married for 50 years and I just can't imagine how awful it must be to live with someone like that.

So, should I have kept my trap shut and do as I'm told, or would you have challenged him as well.

Any ideas on where to go from here as he won't make any effort now and my poor mum is stuck in the middle.

This is very sad I agree. She has grown so used to him and his awful, abusive ways, that she'll most likely live out the rest of her life being subject to them. I feel so sorry for her, and for you OP. He sounds an utter bag of shit.

Go nc with your father op, he sounds like a completely abusive shit. Nasty and vile. Very good advice on this thread and good for you for challenging him.

Text him prior to going around after all he's said your mum can't talk to him unless he does to her so sending a message through her leaves her open to more abuse for 'disobeying' his rule.

One thing I would do is explain to your daughters-age appropriate of course. They will wonder why grandad doesn't want to see you, you need to be honest. Otherwise he will twist the truth to be 'bad mommy's if he gets the chance. I know someone whose ds knows that they don't see uncle anymore because he is a bad man who hurts aunty and aunty doesn't see how wrong it is yet. He always says that it's bad to hurt people and he doesn't ever want to do that.he's five.

My mum & dad have just divorced after 39 years of marriage. Mum is 68, Dad is just shy of 75. It was a bolt from the blue for brother & I, we thought they were reasonably happily married, but what's come to light us the most horrible dysfunctional relationship, at its most horrible for the last 7 years.

They've both gone their separate ways now and I have to say my mums self esteem is much repaired after 18 months. She's at a lower weight & the rest if her life will be much improved. Dad had become a horrible psychological bully & until one action, which became the straw that broke the camels back, she was putting up with it all.

Please, please talk to your mum. She could have another 10-15 years left on this planet. What's the point if she's so abused? There's a good reason for divorce rates for the over 70's being so high. She's financially independent so there is quite simply no reason to put up with it.

It sounds as though he is furious that she is ill and punishing her for it. Abusers don't like things they can't control and the illness is something he can't do anything about. Normal people think illness is terribly sad and do what they possibly can to help. He probably thinks she's making it all up just to get at him. It's honestly the way their minds work.

He really is at the extreme end of narcissistic and abusive. The only reason he hasn't been physical is probably because she has played his game by his rules so obediently for so long. The moment she stops is when you need to be very very alert and vigilant and ready to protect her.

OP, it must be a terrible shock for you to have to look at this objectively. When you're brought up in that environment you normalise it so much then later when you really see the abuse for what it is it can be quite a big thing to come to terms with.

There's a huge difference between thinking someone is just a crotchety old git and then realising that he's deliberately/subconsciously doing it to control someone else and doesn't care a jot about how they feel about it.

And a massive round of applause to Jaffacake's Mum!