to have challenged my dad about how he verbally abuses my mum?

[mummytowillow]

In a nutshell my dad verbally abuses my mum. He literally can't stand her, it is written all over his face when he even looks at her and he is foul mouthed, and at any opportunity will put her down.

They don't sleep in the same room and do nothing together apart from shopping (he only goes because she can't do it on her own). He scoffs and makes fun of any activity she does and makes unpleasant comments about her friends.

She tells me all the time how he is with her and seems quite sad a lonely at the situation she is in. I have a brother, who is aware of how my dad is, just shrugs his shoulders and is not interested. (Sadly he is very much the same with his own wife).

My mum isn't a well woman and can be difficult regarding her illnesses. This requires some biting of the tongue and patience. But he hasn't got any with her.

He refuses to help her with basic tasks, such as opening packets, carrying things etc. He was very ill a few years ago and we all rallied round and did everything we could for him, including my mum. He seems to have forgotten this.

Here are some examples of how is with her:

She is overweight (not lots and is following a diet club), but if she eats something he doesn't agree with he calls her a fat b-h, a greedy fat fu-r and numerous other obscenities.

If she buys something with her own money, out of her own account that he doesn't agree with, he gives her such a hard time about it she takes it back. She bought something with me recently to help her bad back, she went home and he told her she was fking puddled, so she took it back.

He has told her she can't speak to him unless he speaks to her, unless its about his grandchildren (he has three granddaughters).

She recently fell in the kitchen (she falls a lot), and he stepped over her and told her she was fking stupid. She'd hurt her hand and he reluctantly drove her to A&E (I was at work and she didn't tell me until the next day) They sat there for 10 hours and he didn't say one thing to her or offer to get her a drink.

She walks with sticks, if they have to go out to a function etc he won't help her and lets doors go on her so she nearly falls over (I've witnessed this and managed to stop her falling, while I was trying to sort my daughter out as well).

So today I've been to their house, he again is making derogatory comments to me saying she's lost to the plot, she's stupid etc. I also found out that he is now monitoring the phone to see how many calls she makes and the cost.

I'd had enough, so asked him if his granddaughters came to him and said their husbands were verbally abusing them, what would he think. He actually had the nerve to say he wouldn't be happy.

So I asked him why he thought it was OK to swear and call his own wife names and all hell broke loose.

He said its none of my business (probably true) and keep my nose out of other people's business. He said from now on, if I call at their house I'm to given them notice so he can go out as he doesn't want to see me.

He said I don't look after my daughter properly (this is totally not true and he was scoring points there). He also told me the reason I'm on my own (I'm divorced) is because I don't do as I'm told and have too much to say!

They have been married for 50 years and I just can't imagine how awful it must be to live with someone like that.

So, should I have kept my trap shut and do as I'm told, or would you have challenged him as well.

Any ideas on where to go from here as he won't make any effort now and my poor mum is stuck in the middle.

Yes my Dad was very charming too. His funeral was absolutely packed with people telling me how amazing he was. I think mine were the only dry eyes in the house; my mother was beside herself with grief

But, I have to say, me and DH privately refer to her as the Merry Widow nowadays

The thing is he has never even raised his voice or shown the slightest bit of anger to his granddaughters.

He adores them and they adore him. He does so much for my brothers kids as they both work full time. Not so much for me as I do school hours.

I'm not at all worried about him being awful to them.

His abuse to my mum is cleverly disguised and never in front of the girls or SIL.

My mum tells me what he says and has no reason to lie. I've also witnessed some of it myself

She's not going to leave so all I can do is challenge him.

Go round as often as possible yes and call him out EVERY time he's a wanker. Do it in public too.

"HEY! DAD! Di you MEAN TO DROP THAT DOOR ON MUM you old bastard!?"

and

OI don't call her fat you old crow! Tell it to me you big ugly bully.

Every time. Bullies HATE being picked up and having it chucked back at them

My Aunt left an abusive relationship aged 68 recently OP. She's in a rented house...and happier than ever. She was living in filth because her partner of 30 years wouldn't let her clean. She got out.

I grew up witnessing my Dad verbally n physically abusing my mum (I n my sis often got it too) untill I reached the age of 18yrs, u threw a cup of tea at him and punched him one! He'd just punched my poor mum across the kitchen, I got a whack too. He never touched my mum again.

Yanbu. Your protecting your mum. You need to get her away from him, I couldn't sleep at night if it was my mum living like that!

You are doing the right thing. As far as him letting him know you're coming so he can 'leave before you come over', fuck him. I'd come over often and stay as long as possible, just to give your poor mum some peace. Then I wouldn't send him an 'I'm leaving now' text til I'd been home 2 hours!! Fucking prick.

If you haven't spoken to your mum, please do. She's been living with this so long she may actually have no idea that leaving is an option. Tell her you will be happy to help her make plans and go with her for legal advice. She may very well have no idea what she is entitled to after so long a marriage. He has probably convinced her she'd walk away with nothing. I'm sure that there was a period in their marriage where she threatened to leave him and he shot back 'You do and I'll see you get nothing'.

If she chooses to stay, all you can do is love her and do your best to keep her away from him and pull him up on his behaviour as much as possible.

on one occasion when my bastard step father called my mum a stupid fat bitch in front of me, i decked him one and suggested that he press charges but then being the' man' he always liked to protray to everyone, getting beaten up by a 16 year girl was laughable, and i'd let everyone know what a bastard he was.it shut him up and far as i'm aware he never did it again . not suggesting you do that but give your mum the support she needs and get her out if you can, sorry but your brother soundslike your dad. two twats together.

Work on building your mum up - show her a way out and help her see a possibility - do the maths to show her she could cope and a glimpse of freedom - let her live her last years in peace a that sort of abuse will eventually kill her - it doesn't have to be physical to drain a person of the will to live.

YANBU, I'm so sorry for your mother's situation, women's shelters should be able to help.

Really sad situation for your mum and for you.

Lots of sad and depressing stories on this thread.

I must disagree that it's your duty or responsibility to sort this out as you are a victim of your horrible father too and you have your own life and your own problems. Your mother is seriously abused and has been instituionalised BUT she has chosen to stay so there is limited help you can give her in the cirumstances.

I think you should ring up your sister in law, say you want to tell her something important, and describe what you've done and why, describing your dad's behaviour in detail. Your mum may prefer living in misery to living alone (though that isn't a given) - tbh your dad would probably be happier alone as well but it can be hard for people to believe that. However, it isn't too late for your SIL. At the very least she can get another perspective on your brother's behaviour. It would be interesting to get her views too.

You did absolutely the right thing. Your poor mum.

Would she be entitled to some kind of care package if she needs help with do everyday tasks like getting dressed? Having someone coming in to help her would give her someone else to see and your DF might be on his best behaviour for more of the time? Also is he frustrated about having to look after her (rather than her looking after her IYSWIM) and he then takes it out on her?

I would def contact Age Concern and see what support they could offer both of them. If your mum won't leave then help in the home might change the dynamic a bit to make it less unpleasant for your mum.

Rather than her looking after him....stupid typing.

Agree with paperface - be careful OP not to feel too responsible for your mum and take the role of rescuer. I assume your mum has full capacity and can make decisions and choices for herself. She may feel powerless and helpless but she is an adult and has to make own choices. Being her rescuer is quite a burden on you.

You have to take care of yourself too so that you can look after your own family.

He is the very clever manipulative abuser who, now tat you have confronted him will already be working out your next move. My guess is that this will go on until it kills her. The fact that he comes down so hard if anyone crosses him means that you mother will be very afraid of him, and probably wisely. She has had 50 years to learn how to adapt her behaviour to suit his needs simply to survive.

What you are witnessing is probably just a tiny part of it.

Having watched the Panorama program recently I noticed that police don't stand by and allow women like this to keep going back to their abusers but it is tricky to intervene successfully. In you Mum's case I think things might have to reach a crisis point for her to see a way out, and see her situation in perspective. He has done all he can to limit her, restrict her, she might as well be locked up in a room.

It's good that you are standing up for her, it will hopefully push the whole family to a crisis point but you will have to be there and be strong when it all falls apart, which it will.

Whatever you do, think one step ahead of him, be smarter than him, the first thung he will do will be to try and shut you out, which he seems to have form for. It might help to work on your brother as well.

What a horrible man. Please get your mum out. Women's Aid or AgeUK should be able to do something.

you say that he adores his grand-daughter so can you make it clear to him that you will be ensuring that he does not have a relationship with your daughter as he is an abuser. would that be possible?

I would visit often to give your mom a break as he will not be there then. In fact I would be tempted to pretend I am coming so he has to leave just so your mom has as much time away from him as possible. Maybe text him you are visiting and then just ring her for a chat sometimes as well as visiting sometimes.

Perhaps if your mom has more time away from him she may see that life would be better if he wasn't living with her.

It suits him to be out of the house when you're there because he will be scared that you might say something in front of them both. It will shatter her idea of him as the powerful dominator if you pipe up, so it is interesting that he initiated excluding you by asking you to exclude him!

Sneaky feckers they are.

You could invite your brother over at the same time. He will hate that.

OP have you read up about EA relationships? Once you can see the abuser's motivations and understand their way of thinking it makes it a lot easier to know what to do.

Also read up about negotiation skills, these people need to feel as though they're winning. In many ways your mother is a hostage and you need to approach her and him together. You might need police intervention at some stage but pick your moment well.

And yes, of course you have to do something. It will be hard, but she is your mother.

Cottage, I thought that too. I would NOT call ahead, just arrive and say 'here I am, guess you'll be going then!' and let your mum see him being effectively chased out.

You (and nobody) can change him but himself. He will continue to do what he wants behind closed doors.
So, if anything, work on your mother.
Don't confront him, talk to your mother. You should be more than a listening ear. Offer her solutions. Ring WA together. Even plan to live together?
Why won't she leave? Is she scared of living alone? Is she scared of not having enough money? Figure out the finances together. And support her in getting enough strength to say no more.
Domestic abuse, btw, is a matter for anyone. So, yes, it is very much your business.

*Go round as often as you can with minimal notice so the dickhead has to go out. Call him on every nasty comment in a calm, measured way, pointing out that anyone he admires/respects/looks up to would be disgusted by his behaviour.

But don't take your daughter anywhere near him*

^ This. Do it.

Have you still got keys to the house?

Yes you did the right thing, of course you did.

I would continue to visit and don't give warning. Mix up your visiting hours as well.

Smile sweetly and pretend you can't hear him when he does talk to you.

My mum should have left my mentally and verbally abusive father a long time ago. I was the only one to try and get her to see that she could and the only one of my brother and sisters to really stand up to him. Mum died in her mid 60's though and he still carries on leading a bitter, lonely miserable life. None of his children like or love him and he doesn't actually sound as bad as your dad. It's crap.

Does your dad want to be on his own? He doesn't sound happy in the marriage either, sounds like he wants her to leave or just disappear. As vile as he is he possibly feels trapped by convention and now her illness and his vile behaviour is escalating the more trapped he feels.