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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have challenged my dad about how he verbally abuses my mum?

80 replies

mummytowillow · 10/01/2015 16:11

In a nutshell my dad verbally abuses my mum. He literally can't stand her, it is written all over his face when he even looks at her and he is foul mouthed, and at any opportunity will put her down.

They don't sleep in the same room and do nothing together apart from shopping (he only goes because she can't do it on her own). He scoffs and makes fun of any activity she does and makes unpleasant comments about her friends.

She tells me all the time how he is with her and seems quite sad a lonely at the situation she is in. I have a brother, who is aware of how my dad is, just shrugs his shoulders and is not interested. (Sadly he is very much the same with his own wife).

My mum isn't a well woman and can be difficult regarding her illnesses. This requires some biting of the tongue and patience. But he hasn't got any with her.

He refuses to help her with basic tasks, such as opening packets, carrying things etc. He was very ill a few years ago and we all rallied round and did everything we could for him, including my mum. He seems to have forgotten this.

Here are some examples of how is with her:

She is overweight (not lots and is following a diet club), but if she eats something he doesn't agree with he calls her a fat b-h, a greedy fat fu-r and numerous other obscenities.

If she buys something with her own money, out of her own account that he doesn't agree with, he gives her such a hard time about it she takes it back. She bought something with me recently to help her bad back, she went home and he told her she was fking puddled, so she took it back.

He has told her she can't speak to him unless he speaks to her, unless its about his grandchildren (he has three granddaughters).

She recently fell in the kitchen (she falls a lot), and he stepped over her and told her she was fking stupid. She'd hurt her hand and he reluctantly drove her to A&E (I was at work and she didn't tell me until the next day) They sat there for 10 hours and he didn't say one thing to her or offer to get her a drink.

She walks with sticks, if they have to go out to a function etc he won't help her and lets doors go on her so she nearly falls over (I've witnessed this and managed to stop her falling, while I was trying to sort my daughter out as well).

So today I've been to their house, he again is making derogatory comments to me saying she's lost to the plot, she's stupid etc. I also found out that he is now monitoring the phone to see how many calls she makes and the cost.

I'd had enough, so asked him if his granddaughters came to him and said their husbands were verbally abusing them, what would he think. He actually had the nerve to say he wouldn't be happy.

So I asked him why he thought it was OK to swear and call his own wife names and all hell broke loose.

He said its none of my business (probably true) and keep my nose out of other people's business. He said from now on, if I call at their house I'm to given them notice so he can go out as he doesn't want to see me.

He said I don't look after my daughter properly (this is totally not true and he was scoring points there). He also told me the reason I'm on my own (I'm divorced) is because I don't do as I'm told and have too much to say!

They have been married for 50 years and I just can't imagine how awful it must be to live with someone like that.

So, should I have kept my trap shut and do as I'm told, or would you have challenged him as well.

Any ideas on where to go from here as he won't make any effort now and my poor mum is stuck in the middle.

OP posts:
Mrsstarlord · 10/01/2015 17:29

Well done, your poor mum and poor you having to see it.

I agree with Balia's advice. Make his position of control feel uncomfortable

Greywackejones · 10/01/2015 17:38

This is unfortunately common. Could you speak to age concern? They might have advice? All I have is sympathy. There's no solution. She's elderly and unless she chooses to leave there's limited that can be done.

You can stick up for mum but be wary of which battles. You could end up sidelined and really unable to protect her. As the get older and more infirm there's many ways it can worsen.

Don't forget to tell him you love him, you idolised him as a kid, that seeing him do this hurts you. Emphasise your love if you put him down, as if your pushed out she's even more alone than presently.

I'm sorry. I really am,

iamEarthymama · 10/01/2015 17:52

This is one of the saddest and heart breaking threads I have ever seen.
I am sure Women's Aid and Age Concern would help

She'd be so happy in a flat/ bungalow on her own.

Please please if you are wondering if you are in an abusive relationship because your partner does not respect you get out now, whatever age you are

Or this will be you down th line.

I had a strop today because my partner has got into a phase of being constantly on-line and fully absorbed in whatever, FB etc. To the extant that I ask a question and there is no reply but she has definately heard me.

I made it clear that this either stopped or I would leave. And I would leave even though I love her, because behaviour and actions speak louder than words.

Your father's words and actions are so abusive. Please contact WA or Sge Concern as soon as you can, you must be so worried

Sending love to you and ESP your Mum xx

TidyDancer · 10/01/2015 18:10

Oh this was hard to read. :(

I have no useful advice to add unfortunately but you definitely didn't do the wrong thin. Your father is a vile abusive excuse for a human being. I am sad for you and your DM that he is in your lives.

Be there for your mum, and let her know you are is all I can say.

TidyDancer · 10/01/2015 18:11

wrong thing

Aeroflotgirl · 10/01/2015 18:20

He is an abusive disgusting individual. Call Woman's Aid, can you not have her live with you for a bit and help her to leave him, because really that is what she has to do.

lottiegarbanzo · 10/01/2015 18:39

I don't understand the concept of an adult 'doing as you are told' by anyone, far less a nasty man you don't respect. Why on earth would you choose to comply with requests made by such a person? You make yourself sound like this man's accessory, not an independent person. That might be understandable, if you've been conditioned by him over many years but it isn't normal or healthy.

I'd go round often. Sounds like getting him out of the house so you and your mum can have nice chat could be the best suggestion he's made in years.

Will you all be happier when he's dead? Have you ever considered telling him that? He probably wouldn't be surprised though.

Make sure you are honest and open with everyone you talk to about his behaviour. Give examples in a matter of fact way. Never cover for him, or omit to say things you want to, or that are bothering you. The only consideration there is your mum's pride and ability to maintain relationships without feeling humiliated. His friends, if not hers though, tell them.

SASASI · 10/01/2015 18:59

Jesus that's horrendous. WTF

Lots of constructive & practical advice here.

Your poor poor mother. He is a grade A cunt.

I would kill him (not helpful I know)

Is your mum suitable for any kind of home help?

liketohelp · 10/01/2015 19:55

Sorry to hear about this, OP.

I hope you will still visit your Mum as I`m sure she needs your support & to be with someone who behaves decently.

It`s verbal, psychological, & physical abuse (letting doors fall on her). And he is being abusive to you too.

As you mention verbal abuse specifically, you may like to read "Verbal Abuse survivors speak out" by Patricia Evans - a very helpful book.

As others have said, maybe contact Age Concern.

AnneElliott · 10/01/2015 20:03

My friend has a father like this. It's heart breaking but her mum won't leave either.

TendonQueen · 10/01/2015 20:05

Has she specifically said she won't leave? I wouldn't make it about divorce, just about living somewhere different. She could then get carers in to do all the stuff he doesn't.

voddiekeepsmesane · 10/01/2015 20:08

Ok so you know that she will never leave and he will never change.

You have challenged him on his behaviour and he has made his feelings clear.

Now you carry on with a relationship with your mother while going no contact with your father. You call ahead to say you are visiting, that will give him a chance to go out as he said he would, if he does not, ignore ignore ignore.

The other option is to pick up your mother and take her back to yours or out for a cuppa.

I have been there and have done these things. Now 12000 miles away from father so don't deal with him at all. DM comes over once a year to see brother and me.

heyday · 10/01/2015 20:27

I can only suspect that he,has been behaving like this for many years and his wretched behaviour has escalated as his wife has become more disabled. He has probably been acting in this vile manner and getting away with for years so isn't going to change now. I hope you can continue to be able to support your mum just be a little cautious though because,if you keep challenging him he may well ban you from the house and that will leave your mother very isolated indeed. Can you get her a cheap little mobile phone so she can make calls without being checked up on. You could,also give her the telephone numbers of people who may be able to support her ie Age Concern and Women's Aid and if she has her own phone she has the freedom to call them if she wishes. I bet there are countless women out there in a similar situation, its tragic.

MinceSpy · 10/01/2015 20:40

This has gone beyond domestic violence/ emotional abuse and has become a safeguarding issue. Confronting your father may make things worse and your brother isn't on your side, speak to adult social services.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/01/2015 20:40

This post is so sad, no keep challenging him, it is your business. Keep going round there. Take her out on her own. Talk to Woman Aid and Age Concern. Your poor poor mother Sad

maddening · 10/01/2015 20:41

move your mum in with you asap and work it out from there - help her get paperwork together to make sure she does' t get financially screwed by her bastard husband and cut him out of your life.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/01/2015 20:41

Yes contact SS on your mms behalf.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/01/2015 20:42

Even find your mum somewhere to rent, she has her own finances.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 10/01/2015 20:42

I think your Mum would thrive in a lovely over 55s flat, with lots of activities going on and people to socialise with.

Your Dad sounds absolutely vile. I can remember, aged about 18, telling my very similar Dad that no one spoke to my Mum like that in front of me. I was the apple of his eye apparently, and the only one who ever challenged him, but I honestly didn't shed many tears when he died.

For what it's worth, behaviourally, I am more often horrible like my Dad, than a doormat like my Mum. I hate the trait in myself.

AlorsMeh · 10/01/2015 20:52

He sounds so controlling - harassing her to the extent that she returns items she has purchased because HE doesn't like them, monitoring get use of the phone so she doesn't make expensive calls. I'm certainly no expert in these things but don't the new domestic violence laws on coercive control make this sort of behaviour a criminal offence.

Bulbasaur · 10/01/2015 20:55

Your father is a douche. Good on you for standing up to him.

I'm not sure what you can do about it except distance yourself from the situation. Just because she is choosing to stay and put up with it, you don't have to.

glammanana · 10/01/2015 20:56

Please try your best to get your poor mum out of this horrible enviroment,your father sounds a complete bully your post has brought tears to my eyes,your mum must have been put down like this all her married life and she now deserves some quality of life and peace in her older years.
I would be on the door step every day and make his life a misery,contact Age UK get mum on Supported Housing Scheme for a nice little flat or bungalow,never mind if they have all the material stuff its peace of mind for her and for you that is the main thing here,get help right away I beg you.

anotherdayanothersquabble · 10/01/2015 21:02

Your Mum does not deserve to live out the last of her days being controlled by this man. She has time to change this before she passes, for herself and for future generations of her family. Help her to do this.

Platinumpennies · 10/01/2015 21:04

Have been there with my dad. He was outwardly charming but belittled my mum and destroyed her confidence. My mum is dead now and I wish I had done more. However, I was always there for her but perhaps too much from a distance due to demands of my own life. Stand by her in what ever way you can. I do not let my dad revisit those behaviours with me.

WandaFuca · 10/01/2015 21:18

I think that one of the hardest things to deal with is posting on AIBU and getting a unanimous response that you are not BU. And everyone of us is saying this is abuse. That's tough to deal with, because although we can see how bad it is, this is the family life you'd grown up in. And please, please don't ever blame yourself for not intervening sooner. Anyone who's ever read any of the Stately Homes threads knows about the FOG - fear, obligation, guilt - that ties us into trying to appease the bully.

Getting some help for your mum will help her, and you, and the next generation. This is a man who shouldn't have any contact with his granddaughters.