Tacky wedding poem, how much to give?

[Poppyflowe]

You lot will love this.

Relative, who I haven't seen for years and whose fiancée we've never met has sent a wedding invitation with tacky poem demanding suggesting money instead of a gift. And they got my name wrong (I have kept my maiden name and been married over 25 years).

Even if we don't go (and it will cause some family strife if we don't) my ailing dad expects that we'll send them money.

How much would you send? We're not millionaires, but not short of money either.

Mu judgement is somewhat affected by the fact that I have twice in recent years donated to couples asking for cash and am still waiting for an acknowledgement, let alone a 'thank you' from either couple.

Being polite is definitely not "a weird MN thing".

Certainly it is not. I have believed it's rude to ask for gifts since I was a child. I blame my mother.

What BathtimeFunkster said.

It is definitely not a weird MN thing, it is a polite and appropriate way to handle invitations. There has been a trend for a while of the grabby cash requests but ime they are petering out and becoming less and less. People are realising how they are seen I think.

I Fucking hate weddings where gifts aren't mentioned. I will always give a gift but if you don't tell me it is a right pain in the arse. Do I buy a present that they probably already have?. Or do I give money which they may find impersonal?

Why don't you just ask the couple what they'd like?

For someone I hadn't seen in years, had no emotional connection to and has a fiancée I'd never met...I wouldn't even go to the wedding to be frank.
Send a nice card - possibly.

There is no obligation to give money to virtual strangers you care nothing for.

Your dad is entitled to his opinion - will he receive a list of who contributed what from the groom so he can castigate you or not? Otherwise just don't discuss it with your dad. why should you go? Why would your dad care?

They'd probably be relieved if you didn't come. I expect someone has said, 'If you invite x, you've got to invite y, even if you haven't seen them for years, because they're first cousins once removed too and you'll offend auntie so and so, if you don't.'

I'd go for a bottle of champagne, ordered on-line and sent direct. It's a nice gesture, which is all that's required, but the equivalent in cash in an envelope would look mean.

Give what you can afford. £20 £100 £500?
I don't understand the problem with being asked for money tbh.
Makes it easier.

If the B and G won't know you from Adam, you shouldn't go. They have just asked you from politeness and will probably be very relieved if you can't attend.

This is one of the asects of weddings I never understand - we had a small very happy wedding with the close family and friends we wanted there. Couples who have big weddings where even family members they haven't seen in years, can't remember the name of and wouldn't call in if they were passing, have to be invited for the sake of politeness or pleasing parents, must hope most turn down the invitation. Why would you want 10 or 20 people at your wedding who you don't know from Adam?

It is almost rude to accept a wedding invitation on that basis I think.You have no relationship with them, are not much bothered about them so don't impose yourself on their special day to be polite.

If your not attending then nothing but a card.

'I don't understand the problem with being asked for money tbh.
Makes it easier.'

It puts people on the spot and often, they wind up giving more than they can afford and more than they would have spent on a gift in order to avoid looking mean. Not a nice thing to do to your guests.

Just send this back to them:

You've been together quite a while and seem to be bloody rich.
I'm sure you'd like a bit more cash, but hey, life's a bitch.
So as we don't have a money tree our presence must suffice
And if you feel the need to be grateful for what you get that would be nice.
But as you're both knocking on a bit so we would like to say
We've donated in your honour, twenty pounds to Age UK.

The reason asking for money is wrong is because asking for presents is horrible and ill-mannered.

Weddings are no different in that regard from birthdays, anniversaries or any other celebratory occasion. You don't ask for presents.

I wouldn't go, given that you don't seem to know them very well, and would send a card wishing them all the best. I would not let what my father had to say on the matter have any influence!

Beyond any other occasion a wedding is the one at which it's rude not to give a gift, so why object to guidance in what that gift should be.

That's what traditional wedding lists do.

I've been married almost 25 years, I still use my set of pans from my old school friends and the cutlery from my university mates.

I delegated the one who could cook and the one who would actually remember respectively.

If our donation to Dcousins Honeymoon gives them happy memories to hold on to while sleep deprived with a new baby, I'll be delighted.

I needed pans and cutlery, I lived in a furnished student flat. They wanted/needed something else. I don't see that's wrong.

"Another one asking for money.
It makes me an unhappy bunny
to read awful verse.
If you think I'll disburse
You are wrong, and it ain't fucking funny."

Aye they've got loads of stuff but I bet they don't have a goat

I object to being asked for any gifts for a wedding. Traditionally, gifts were given because the B&G had nothing and were setting up home together but that is very rarely the case now. I don't see why people should expect gifts from their guests when there is no real need, the wedding isn't about the presents and they used to be a mere sideline compared to the rest of it. Now they seem to take priority - gifts are not part of a wedding!

Requests for cash are the height of rudeness, whether it's towards a honeymoon or whatever. I was thanked on a card for my 'generous cash gift' from one couple, who had requested only money as a gift, which I felt was really gloaty, said couple went on a very exclusive and expensive honeymoon. They are now sending out their birth announcement cards for their new baby with, yep, a request for money rather than 'things'. Which I realise is another issue altogether but still...

Another couple I know sat on their bed after the wedding throwing all of the notes around that guests had given them, they took photographs and showed us! The very thought of that makes me feel angry - how can people enjoy having a huge amount of money given to them by their friends and family and the spend it on something as frivolous as a holiday or more 'stuff' for their homes - all because they exchanged wedding vows?

Treaclepot if there is no request then there is no expectation - give them what you want to give or don't give anything at all.

We made no mention of presents in our wedding invitations or at any other time, a few people asked what we would like and we just said that presents weren't necessary. Lots of guests gave gifts anyway, like photo frames and vouchers, a few put money in a card. I felt better about that because people didn't feel obliged to spend specific amounts or purchase from specific expensive shops.

I'm sure those wedding websites just add to the hysteria of the big day, brides (and grooms) seem to get swept along in the 'it's your day Hun' mentality and forget all aspects of social decency, and the fact that these people are their friends and family - people who they will have to see once the wedding is long gone.

I agree wedding sites, blogs etc have made weddings worse. Those awful post boxes you can buy especially to store money in have to be on of the greediest and tackiest purchases I have ever seen.

I genuinely hate those poems. We got married in September, MIL suggested a gift-list as people like to be 'guided' but I refused.

I genuinely didn't want anyone to get us a gift, and when asked we said to people just to come along to the evening do and have a drink with us to celebrate. People still brought gifts and we were so grateful, but gifts were never a requirement.

I would just send a small monetary donation - even if it does irk me.

We didn't put anything in the invitations about gifts and just said we didn't need anything when people asked. Most people didn't bring a gift but we did get 9 photo frames. Only 2 of which have ever been used so I don't mind if people request something be it money or otherwise. Depending how well we know them/how close we are I've given between £20-£100
The only time I've begrudged it was when they bride and groom got married in the maldives and had a week out there afterwards and then asked for money towards a honeymoon we gave a bottle of champagne instead.

Sending money just sends the message that this kind of grabiness is acceptable.

I'm pretty shocked that people think so poorly of brides and grooms including a wish list (inc money) with their invites. I thought it really was the 'done' thing to suggest gifts, cash or otherwise, to guests - regardless of the fact that yes it's rude to ask for a present upfront normally, all weddings I have been to recently (10 years or so) have done this, so I didn't think anything of it. I suppose it does come across as very grabby but I personally don't care and just give what I can afford, or what I feel that person should get in line with my relationship with them...I didnt put anything in an old family friend's card a few years ago because her parents paid £15k for a massive family wedding and she was very ungrateful for it throughout the planning, her parents also paid the deposit for her on a house as a wedding gift which again she wasn't very appreciative of (or so it seemed.) So no I didnt want to give what little I earnt to her (was working p/t alongside university at the time so was very strapped as it was.)

I'm firmly in the asking for cash is rude camp. The thought process that leads to couples asking their friends and family for money and thinking that is ok is beyond me. Crass, tacky, tasteless behaviour IMO.

With that in mind, I wouldn't give any money whether I went or not, but if I did go I'd buy champagne.

Your dad can give you the money to send if he's that keen for it to happen.