Tacky wedding poem, how much to give?

[Poppyflowe]

You lot will love this.

Relative, who I haven't seen for years and whose fiancée we've never met has sent a wedding invitation with tacky poem demanding suggesting money instead of a gift. And they got my name wrong (I have kept my maiden name and been married over 25 years).

Even if we don't go (and it will cause some family strife if we don't) my ailing dad expects that we'll send them money.

How much would you send? We're not millionaires, but not short of money either.

Mu judgement is somewhat affected by the fact that I have twice in recent years donated to couples asking for cash and am still waiting for an acknowledgement, let alone a 'thank you' from either couple.

You could always ignore and then MUCH later send an apology, saying that the envelope was never opened as DH saw your first name and thought it was for you, but you saw his last name so assumed it was for him, then it floated to the bottom of the pile of post and was lost... Never mind eh, sorry about that and obviously it's too late to take part in the wedding, but you wish them all the best!

Unless they are a very close friend or relative, there is no obligation to send a gift or money if you're not going.

I think the wrong name thing on the envelope was probably an innocent mistake and you don't to do any of the PA stuff suggested above.

I'd not bother going if you aren't fussed about them and they know so little of you they can't get your name right. That'll save them money anyway so it's the gift of two less guests who you don't really know.

If you do go, give £50. Think that's about standard wedding gift amount and more than generous.

If you don't go send nothing. Perhaps a card with your full name on the return address.

You could always do that PA thing of donating to a charity in their behalf and letting them the grabby bastards know.

How tacky.

FGS -on

JaneFonda, I don't think people object to being asked for money so much as they dislike the crappy poems.

If you want cash, just be open and state so. That's what we did.

Although I do think that if you're going to invite someone to a wedding, the least you can do is get their name right...

The name thing - I kept my own surname after marriage and every single Christmas card we get is addressed to Mr and Mrs DHSurname, mostly by people who I am very close to, despite me using address labels with both our names on every year. It is irritating but it is still such a strong social convention. If I took offence every time it happened I'd have no friends left.

£25-50 if you go, nothing if you don't and they aren't close family.

Personally I like being asked for money, way simpler

I wonder how many people who get upset about this issue have the courage of their convictions and tell the couple to their face that they are grabby rather than bitching about them behind their backs.

Don't go, don't send - job done.

A friend of mine sent an invite stating they have everything they need and all they want is the pleasure of their guests' company. She was bombarded by people wanting to give something so she suggested gift vouchers for a certain shop. Can't bloody win!

Arrrrgh another one. I hate this. I got married this year. We had no gift list nor did we ask for cash. We received a few gifts from attendees though by no means from all. That is fine, we didn't request gifts.

A very close friend of DH declined invite (he is in Oz, wedding in UK). Ok we understand. But he didn't even get a token gift. (They have money). DH was quite hurt at the non-attendance but sucked it up obviously. Now. He is getting married in Oz this month. I must add they had decided on their wedding before us as we were 8 months from proposal to wedding. We had attended their engagement party in the UK (we are 15 hours' flight from the UK, bride is British) and bought them a gift. We are attending their wedding (9 hour flight in total). All still ok, just.

We got the official invite a few weeks ago. We were rather surprised to discover that they are only offering canapes (after a 2pm ceremony) AND went on to do the 'your presence is our present BUT give us cash'!!! I am flabbergasted. All of her guests are flying from the UK to Oz. Not getting fed. And being asked for cash. What is wrong with people? Sorry, that was a bit of a rant.

OP, do as you see fit...

Avocado, it's not the actual poem I object to its the request for cash. No mention should be made of gifts unless asked, then a discreet wedding list is fine.

Asking for cash on the invite is akin to charging an entry fee. If a couple doesn't need gifts as they live together then just state to gifts and suggest guests contribute to their favourite charity if they insist on giving something. This new thing of recouping the wedding costs or having a honeymoon funded is grabby and tacky.

Just a card

I need to see the poem before I can make an informed judgement.

If you attend then give what you would have spent on a gift. If you don't go then send a card. No different from any other wedding.

You do know that many people just never collect the items on their gift list that have been purchased and cash them in for gift vouchers. A good John Lewis wedding gift list can keep you in Prosecco, brown rice and naice ham for a long time at Waitrose.

I've said it before and I will say it again. It is rude to mention anything about gifts on an invitation.

When guests asked what we'd like we said money or vouchers towards a specific item or if you'd prefer to buy a physical gift there is a list at john Lewis. That way people can do exactly as they please - nobody is offended!

Oh dear, this is so tacky. Would need to see the poem to know just how tacky though!

My close friend got married last year and didn't mention a thing about presents on the invitation. She still got lovely things and iirc some money and vouchers. It was such a nice classy way of doing it.

I will never understand how people can be so rude as to include a gift request with a wedding (or any other) invite.

You wait to be asked. It is not a right. And this bollocks about giving the invitee something less to do and think about is rubbish.....they have to respond to the invite, and could easily request information on gift preferences at the same time.

I know it's the done thing now, but it's just so rude.

Rant over.

Haha, enjoying the replies, especially as DH just asked me 'why don't you post it on MN and see what people think?'

The poem is G16 on this page:

www.brambles-weddings.co.uk/Gift-Poems.htm

Hth

Yup. Definitely high up on the tack-o-meter scale.

That poem is awful.

If attending I'd give £100 and if not £40 and a card wishing them all the best.

I don't see what's wrong with it? It says you don't have to get them a gift, but if you want then money is fine.

They said it themselves, either attend (and no gift) or send some money.

I don't think I gave a gift list or a registry. I had everything and a registry wouldn't have been much different than a Christmas wish list. So I just said get me whatever, I didn't care. Still came away with some cool stuff and lots of money.

It is rude to mention anything about gifts on an invitation.

It's rude and grabby and tacky.

It baffles me that people think it's OK.

Would you do that for your birthday? Send out instructions that you don't need anything, so your guests should hand over their money?

No (I bloody hope not). So why do it for a wedding?

And putting in "you don't have to if you don't want to" doesn't change anything.

Of course they don't have to.

But even suggesting how other people should spend their money on you is grim.