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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want a telling off from sil shortly after giving birth

80 replies

nightstella · 09/01/2015 21:10

I gave birth to our second ds on Sunday and sil has just left after her first visit, unfortunately leaving a nasty taste in my mouth.

Throughout this pregnancy I have worried about what 'to do with' ds1 during labour and birth. My parents live 3 hours away (df useless, dm always ready to help but doesn't drive), dh's live 90 mins away, and we don't have a lot of friends we can call on here. I got plans in place last Autumn - my dm agreed to come a week before my due-date and a friend agreed to be on stand-by in emergencies - but I really didn't want to use her as she is a single-parent who works f/t and has a toddler of her own.

My mil is a decent woman, but a bit over-bearing and I really didn't want her around when I was in labour (home-birth). However, I was grateful, and told her so, when she said she would keep Dec/Jan free and would be happy to help if needed. I thanked her profusely, told her my dm would be up, but made clear how kind she was being. She reiterated that she would keep the month free 'just in case.' Great - I felt relieved I had a couple of options.

Anyway, for a variety of reasons we ended up needing to call on mil and she kindly came and stayed for 2 nights (I ended up transferring in to hospital). We thanked her, she said how she had enjoyed being involved - all good. The day after she left, we received a letter from her (she must have posted it as soon as she got home Confused.) criticising our choice of name. It is not an aggressive letter, but is ridiculously dramatic and doom-laden about the impact she feels this name will have on ds. As it turns out, she has got it wrong as we are naming him a shortened version (which dh told her), making the letter even more ridiculous.

Today, dh related all this to dil as a funny story- they often discuss how OTT their dm can be. Sil looked stony-faced throughout, then said "Well, she was just trying to help. She has helped you loads." She then said in a pointed way, "After all, she wasn't expecting to have to help out like that, was she." Dh then backtracked and said of course not, how great mil is etc etc. I sat there like a lemon, but I am so upset and angry. I was told by dh that mil 'would like to be involved' in the birth of my son - he felt I was being mean by asking my own mother, and this impression was reinforced by mil herself (albeit in a nice way.) I am always having to 'fend off' mil and her advice (ration breastfeeding. let ds1 stay overnight, have to let him go some time etc etc) and when she sends a frankly offensive letter and I see a funny side, I get fucking told off in my own home days after giving birth.

Sorry for the rant, I am livid.

OP posts:
Clobbered · 09/01/2015 21:14

YANBU to be offended by a letter criticising your choice of name - what a weird thing to do. SIL sounds like a bit of a jealous cow. Forget it and enjoy your lovely new baby. Hope you get to see your DM soon.

Chippednailvarnish · 09/01/2015 21:24

Your DH is the problem here, he should be dealing with his family and explaining things...

Isabeller · 09/01/2015 21:28

Congratulations! Flowers

YANBU

MILIBU Grin

olympicsrock · 09/01/2015 21:30

Milibu

HaPPy8 · 09/01/2015 21:32

All depends on the name .........Smile

Borderterrierpuppy · 09/01/2015 21:33

Hi OP congratulations Smile sil is obviously madly jealous that you have another delicious baby.
MIL is overthinking and over sharing and is def BU.
Ignore them all and enjoy your newborn x

3BloodyKids · 09/01/2015 21:36

yeah, sorry, we're going to need a name Grin

StarlightMcKenzee · 09/01/2015 21:38

OP, don't let this bother you at all. You have all the cards. You have the gorgeous kids and they are YOURS!

What other people think about anything to do with them is completely irrelevant and you must chose right now to never think of them again Smile.

If your ILs can be nice, you'll even share a bit of your gorgeous kids with them.

itiswhatitiswhatitis · 09/01/2015 21:39

Congratulations!

Your SIL is being an arse about it. Of course it was lovely that your MIL helped you out but doing someone a favour doesn't entitle you to send a letter criticising someone's choice of name. Tell your DH to field anymore negative comments away from you

SilkStalkings · 09/01/2015 21:45

YANBU but without being patronising you are less than a week post-birth so maybe you might have felt differently if she hadn't lain all this on you so soon. That is the thing I would be most pissed off about, the insensitive, me-me-me timing of her tantrum, be it on paper or vocal. I take it she is prone to this sort of thing? Plus as mentioned before, your DH needs to toughen up.

WooWooOwl · 09/01/2015 21:48

Maybe your SIL agreed with your mil.

lunar1 · 09/01/2015 21:50

Yanbu, but we need to know the name!

rootypig · 09/01/2015 21:54

YANBU, but you have to let it be water off a duck's back. There's nothing to be gained by letting them get to you. Rant and rave to your pals, and then smile and nod at MIL and SIL while doing exactly what you please.

That said, I hate all this bowing and scraping when family helps! you're family, ffs, it's in the normal way of things to go out of your way for each other. I daresay you have / would / will do similar for MIL.

Congratulations on your new baby, just snuggle up and let it wash over you.

Original poster
nightstella · 09/01/2015 21:54

I can see why everyone wants to know the name Smile, but it's irrelevant really. I think mil shouldn't have sent the letter (yes she does have form - sent a similar one when we bought this house, telling us it would be a money-pit, she blamed herself from not warning us. blah blah - house has been lovely and we've been here six years.) That is a separate issue from sil, as, whatever she thinks of our name, she shouldn't have spoken to us like a couple of naughty kids, today of all days.

Not telling the name, but it is a bit seasonal Wink.

OP posts:
WerewolfBarMitzvah · 09/01/2015 21:55

Congratulations on your new baby!

ILs sound positively strange. Ignore and make DH do all contact.

Why would anyone write a letter criticising a baby's name? So odd.

seaoflove · 09/01/2015 21:58

I can't believe MIL did that! What an outrageous thing to do. Cowardly as well.

KenDoddsDadsDog · 09/01/2015 21:58

Jesus ?

mausmaus · 09/01/2015 22:00

claus?

AllMimsyWereTheBorogoves · 09/01/2015 22:01

Mel short for Melchior?

Bal short for Balthazar?

Caz short for Casper?

Twelfth short for Twelfth Night?

Epi short for Epiphany?

Flingmoo · 09/01/2015 22:01

Rudy/Rudolph? Xmas Smile If so, great choice :) We had impolite comments on our baby's name too although not quite as nasty as a full letter. Fuck 'em I say!

Meerka · 09/01/2015 22:02

Congratulatoins on your baby :)

I'd be inclined to either step back from them both and not rely on your MIL or to ask her outright what your SIL meant. It will put the cat among the pigeons, so while it might get to the bottom of what's going on it might be better to leave it and just keep your distance.

In fact, if she feels she can criticise your choice of name I'd wonder what on earth else she's going to criticise and step back anyway.

Nasty conversation when you've just had your baby. Unwarrented.

DancingDinosaur · 09/01/2015 22:03

Nicholas?

DancingDinosaur · 09/01/2015 22:05

Christian?
Noel?

DancingDinosaur · 09/01/2015 22:06
Original poster
nightstella · 09/01/2015 22:12

Well, the name has been mentioned Smile. We are very happy with our choice, and are confident that we have not blighted him for life. He will have a very traditional middle-name to use when he is older if he prefers.

I am hiding on here atm as I am so pissed off with them all. Have just remembered that while I was in hospital and left my bed for a short while, when I cam back, mil had placed ds2 in ds1's arms - something I had been really looking forward to doing. Have jus mentioned this to dh and he has been really dismissive. Angry.

OP posts: