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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want a telling off from sil shortly after giving birth

80 replies

nightstella · 09/01/2015 21:10

I gave birth to our second ds on Sunday and sil has just left after her first visit, unfortunately leaving a nasty taste in my mouth.

Throughout this pregnancy I have worried about what 'to do with' ds1 during labour and birth. My parents live 3 hours away (df useless, dm always ready to help but doesn't drive), dh's live 90 mins away, and we don't have a lot of friends we can call on here. I got plans in place last Autumn - my dm agreed to come a week before my due-date and a friend agreed to be on stand-by in emergencies - but I really didn't want to use her as she is a single-parent who works f/t and has a toddler of her own.

My mil is a decent woman, but a bit over-bearing and I really didn't want her around when I was in labour (home-birth). However, I was grateful, and told her so, when she said she would keep Dec/Jan free and would be happy to help if needed. I thanked her profusely, told her my dm would be up, but made clear how kind she was being. She reiterated that she would keep the month free 'just in case.' Great - I felt relieved I had a couple of options.

Anyway, for a variety of reasons we ended up needing to call on mil and she kindly came and stayed for 2 nights (I ended up transferring in to hospital). We thanked her, she said how she had enjoyed being involved - all good. The day after she left, we received a letter from her (she must have posted it as soon as she got home .) criticising our choice of name. It is not an aggressive letter, but is ridiculously dramatic and doom-laden about the impact she feels this name will have on ds. As it turns out, she has got it wrong as we are naming him a shortened version (which dh told her), making the letter even more ridiculous.

Today, dh related all this to dil as a funny story- they often discuss how OTT their dm can be. Sil looked stony-faced throughout, then said "Well, she was just trying to help. She has helped you loads." She then said in a pointed way, "After all, she wasn't expecting to have to help out like that, was she." Dh then backtracked and said of course not, how great mil is etc etc. I sat there like a lemon, but I am so upset and angry. I was told by dh that mil 'would like to be involved' in the birth of my son - he felt I was being mean by asking my own mother, and this impression was reinforced by mil herself (albeit in a nice way.) I am always having to 'fend off' mil and her advice (ration breastfeeding. let ds1 stay overnight, have to let him go some time etc etc) and when she sends a frankly offensive letter and I see a funny side, I get fucking told off in my own home days after giving birth.

Sorry for the rant, I am livid.

OP posts:

KenDoddsDadsDog · 09/01/2015 22:18

They are being horrible and it will feel 100 times worse post birth. Try and get some sleep / cuddle with your lovely baby and ignore them .

TheHermitCrab · 09/01/2015 22:18

Name is irrelevant. A letter just after she left? a letter at all? Strange behavior.

ithoughtofitfirst · 09/01/2015 22:19

Ffs.

Yanbu.

Silly bitch.

rootypig · 09/01/2015 22:25

I think Rudy! Marvellous name if so. Bloody ignore her.

As for MILs doing 'firsts' and constantly pushing you aside. That IS hard to bear - I speak from bitter experience - the only thing you can do is get a bit clever about organising life so that they don't get the chance. Don't waste your breath trying to explain or argue about it just make sure she's not in the damn room. (Difficult in this case, I know).

thesnailandthewhale · 09/01/2015 22:36

I would speak with her firmly but politely, letting her know that you both love the name and you will add her letter / thoughts to a baby box for baby to read when they are older. It may just stop her from writing any more thoughtless letters in the future ...

Enjoy those baby cuddles

Mrsgrumble · 09/01/2015 22:36

Pull away from them

Very spiteful of mil to send you a letter after birth - she needs to learn when to close her mouth/put down the pen

SIL is not to be trusted

You have learned your lessons here. I think it's makes is more sensitive but you can't help your feelings and you are hurt

Your dh needs to deal with them now.

I overheard SIL mocking me and she doesn't know but I told dh. He asked me not to say anything but I refuse to engage very much with her. She is always asking us over and I never go. In my eyes if people treat you like shit, back away.

Congrats on baby. I have a newborn too. These days are to precious to worry or get annoyed

citymum3 · 09/01/2015 22:39

Baby box comment is genius. And it truly won't all seem so terrible in a few weeks. But stealing firsts hurts. So fine to inwardly growl for a while yet - and congrats and chill and enjoy new baby.

Jill2015 · 09/01/2015 22:45

I'd be inclined to either step back from them both and not rely on your MIL or to ask her outright what your SIL meant. It will put the cat among the pigeons, so while it might get to the bottom of what's going on it might be better to leave it and just keep your distance.

This ^^.
And congrats. Take care of yourself, enjoy your new baby, and leave them to it.

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis · 09/01/2015 22:52

Not Luc short for Lucifer then?
Sil a cow and mil a pita. (Well done for poster who came up with Milibu)
on squidgy baby's birth.

wobblebobblehat · 09/01/2015 22:55

You know, I have come to the conclusion that it is better to ignore things (like the letter) and not mention them to anyone.

So many times recently (in real life and on MN) people have reacted completely differently to how I would expect. I realise now that I am too honest/overshare. Everyone seems to have an opinion about the smallest things...

NoArmaniNoPunani · 09/01/2015 22:56

Rudy is a great name, if that's the one you've chosen.

Chillycamper · 09/01/2015 23:02

A letter about your choice of house? Wow. And she blamed herself for YOUR choice?
How very controlling.
And a letter about your baby's name whe you have just given birth?
Amazing that she felt the need to share her views with you. She could just have kept her opinion to herself or phoned a friend and told them her views!

My MIL tried really hard to influence the order of the names we chose for one of our DC, on and on she went for the 6 weeks it took us to decide. MIL likes the name we chose now, having clearly hated it at the time.

Deep breaths. For some people it has to be all about them. And if it isn't they'll write you a letter....

Enjoy that baby

ZenNudist · 09/01/2015 23:15

MILIBU for criticising a name you've given your child. Really weird to do it in a letter.

SIL prob agrees. Still having a go at you is out of order. Even worse for guilt tripping you as if your MIL deserved a medal for insisting on helping you at a crucial time.

They can jog on. Enjoy newborn baby cuddles .

ChocLover2015 · 09/01/2015 23:21

I think YABU, the SIL was upset you were making fun of her mum, behind her back.I think her position is understandable.

PulpsNotFiction · 09/01/2015 23:37

Congratulations on the arrival of Rudy . If that's the name, I think it's lovely. So tell your mil some random on the Internet thinks it rocks and she's very rudey

FightOrFlight · 09/01/2015 23:44

I can't get The Specials song 'A message to you Rudy' out of my head now!

Gennz · 09/01/2015 23:45

I don't think you're unreasonable for being annoyed re the letter, but I don't think SIL was being unreasonable either. She was just being defensive of her mum as she felt you were criticising her after she'd been a big help to you.

She (SIL) didn't proactively ring you up to have a go, she just didn't react to the story as you'd like!! Not unreasonable in my opinion. I think you are being a bit precious. You said yourself your MIL's letter wasn't aggressive - it's annoying but not everyone is going to like your choice of name (though most people have enough nous to keep their views to themselves).

maras2 · 10/01/2015 01:07

You could call him Rumplestiltskin and it'd still be none of her flipping business.They're batshit crazy and DH is a git for backtracking.Now forget about the nasty big people and snuggle down with your scrummy baby boy.

HappyAgainOneDay · 10/01/2015 02:16

Stephen?

for you, OP.

OneHandFlapping · 10/01/2015 02:49

Congratulations on your lovely newborn!

I don't disagree that your MIL has been a bit unreasonable. But she stepped up when you needed her, and hopefully in the end that will count for more than a couple of ill-thought out letters.

This is such an emotional time for you, with hormones all over the place. Maybe in a few weeks, you might feel more forgiving?

drbonnieblossman · 10/01/2015 03:34

Got to be rudy.

Congrats. She is bonkers

Purplepoodle · 10/01/2015 09:05

Laugh at the letter, ob mil has form for being ott. Ignore sil I'd say she is very jealous by the sounds of it. As for placing baby in brothers arms mil did this. Didn't bother me but each to their own

diddl · 10/01/2015 09:13

Is it likely that MIL has been moaning to SIL about "having" to help & how she could have done without it?

Still no excuse, but might be SIL "defending" her MIL rather than being jealous.

Even so, they both sound horrible!

redexpat · 10/01/2015 09:24

I came on to write exactly what diddl wrote. Congratulations op.

OatcakeCravings · 10/01/2015 09:25

Rudy is a great name. I wanted it for DS but my DH wasn't keen.

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