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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want a telling off from sil shortly after giving birth

80 replies

nightstella · 09/01/2015 21:10

I gave birth to our second ds on Sunday and sil has just left after her first visit, unfortunately leaving a nasty taste in my mouth.

Throughout this pregnancy I have worried about what 'to do with' ds1 during labour and birth. My parents live 3 hours away (df useless, dm always ready to help but doesn't drive), dh's live 90 mins away, and we don't have a lot of friends we can call on here. I got plans in place last Autumn - my dm agreed to come a week before my due-date and a friend agreed to be on stand-by in emergencies - but I really didn't want to use her as she is a single-parent who works f/t and has a toddler of her own.

My mil is a decent woman, but a bit over-bearing and I really didn't want her around when I was in labour (home-birth). However, I was grateful, and told her so, when she said she would keep Dec/Jan free and would be happy to help if needed. I thanked her profusely, told her my dm would be up, but made clear how kind she was being. She reiterated that she would keep the month free 'just in case.' Great - I felt relieved I had a couple of options.

Anyway, for a variety of reasons we ended up needing to call on mil and she kindly came and stayed for 2 nights (I ended up transferring in to hospital). We thanked her, she said how she had enjoyed being involved - all good. The day after she left, we received a letter from her (she must have posted it as soon as she got home .) criticising our choice of name. It is not an aggressive letter, but is ridiculously dramatic and doom-laden about the impact she feels this name will have on ds. As it turns out, she has got it wrong as we are naming him a shortened version (which dh told her), making the letter even more ridiculous.

Today, dh related all this to dil as a funny story- they often discuss how OTT their dm can be. Sil looked stony-faced throughout, then said "Well, she was just trying to help. She has helped you loads." She then said in a pointed way, "After all, she wasn't expecting to have to help out like that, was she." Dh then backtracked and said of course not, how great mil is etc etc. I sat there like a lemon, but I am so upset and angry. I was told by dh that mil 'would like to be involved' in the birth of my son - he felt I was being mean by asking my own mother, and this impression was reinforced by mil herself (albeit in a nice way.) I am always having to 'fend off' mil and her advice (ration breastfeeding. let ds1 stay overnight, have to let him go some time etc etc) and when she sends a frankly offensive letter and I see a funny side, I get fucking told off in my own home days after giving birth.

Sorry for the rant, I am livid.

OP posts:

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 10/01/2015 09:29

MiL was being ridiculous with her letter writing, I suspect SiL was defending her Mum if she felt she was being criticised/made fun of.

Let it go, congratulations on Rudy

SilkStalkings · 10/01/2015 09:38

I think while you are vulnerable it's best to keep your distance. Let DH & DS1 visit/entertain them, you and new baby hide as best you can and DH must be v firm about the gate keeping. We delayed GPiLs a month last time because I was stuck indoors crying with my tits out and they were the last people I wanted to see (high maintenance guests.) I have turned unannounced people away at the door myself before because I had a new baby and the last thing I wanted to do was share it or entertain. We NEVER answer the phone during a babymoon - if it's important they will leave a message and if it's less important than your coping/comfort your DH can call them back later to explain.
All MIL's actions you have mentioned point to someone who will always assume everything is about her. Grandchildren are a right not a privilege.

bakingaddict · 10/01/2015 09:39

I think it's your DH who has been unreasonable, why mock your own mother when she has stepped up to help. Whether she has grumbled to SIL is beside the point she was there when needed and your DH should have recognized this and been fairer towards her. I think SIL was reacting to this lack of grace shown by your DH.

MadamG · 10/01/2015 09:46

My FIL disagreed on our choice of house too because it's too small for them to come and stay in. What a shame. They tried to warn us against it but never sent a letter. Who writes letters anyhow anymore?
Op now is your time to be wonderfully selfish. Do what you need to do and sod the rest of the world.

youarekiddingme · 10/01/2015 09:54

Am also hoping it's Rudy - love that name [congratulations]

MILIBU re the letter - however is always think if you tell others you run the risk they won't agree with you on how they feel.

Just let it all go over your shoulder and enjoy having your newborn and toddler at home and spending precious time with them.

It is draining when others won't consider your thoughts and feelings on things - but it pisses them off more when you stand firm than it does you when they nag you.

kwerty · 10/01/2015 10:13

Does MIL use a mobile to text much? The letter could be her equivalent. Older people have more time to think and worry things over than you do as a busy parent of young children, and can feel that they really must say something but are worried about the reaction, about upsetting you.
I have found myself being a bit this way inclined with DD; I really want to say something she might construe as unwelcome 'advice', and don't want to spoil a lovely visit by saying it, but still feel I want it said and so I text her afterwards. She usually takes it well and often agrees with me.
So, what I'm saying is she may be a worrying kind and build things up in her mind when she's not with you. She sound ok otherwise. SIL prob a bit jealouus.

Original poster

nightstella · 10/01/2015 11:11

Well, nice to see someone likes the name!

Tbh, it is the fact that it suggests mil has been moaning to sil that partly annoys me, because dh kept on throughout the pregnancy about how I musn't exclude his mother. I do accept that is his fault, not mine, but she honestly did stress to me how she was keeping the month free - this was before we had asked her, so it is a bit annoying to hear now that she has complained about it. She is forever pushing to have ds with her, alone, wanting to take him on holiday etc. I try to be tactful, but this now seems hypocritical.

Just to be clear, we weren't being bitchy. Dh was telling it as a humorous story and I said nothing, but was sort of smiling and laughing. DH and his sister are always taking about their mother in this way, and sil has told us how she herself has told their dm to 'back off' after she got over-involved in sil's flat-hunt. So I can see why dh thought it appropriate to recount the story in this way, and it felt like she was turning the tables when she snapped in that way.

She doesn't know how much the ds1' question has stressed me during the pregnancy, and how much it hurt to hear that someone who offered to help actually resented it and bitched about it. Still, I need to get over it now, I know that.

OP posts:

Thedancefloorsatemptress · 10/01/2015 11:17

YANBU. Please try and ignore. Focus on yourself and your family. Name choice has absolutely nothing to do with them.

I think that they should both apologise to you! Particularly your SIL. My own MIL is very over bearing. I'm currently due my first baby in under two months time.

I hope your DH will be having words!

kwerty · 10/01/2015 11:36

I can't see that MIL should apologise! What has she done wrong apart from being over-anxious about your choice of name?
Laugh it off; she will probably come to like it eventually.

kwerty · 10/01/2015 11:38

..because you don't know that MIL moaned at all!

diddl · 10/01/2015 12:09

"because dh kept on throughout the pregnancy about how I musn't exclude his mother."

well if he mentions that in future you can just roll your eyes!

There's one hell of a difference between excluding & not telling everything as well.

I'm not much of a sharer tbh & I doubt that I told either mum or MIL a great deal!

CobbOnn · 10/01/2015 12:31

Congratulations - and a fab name.

MIL sounds like my DM- bitter that I am happy and making something of my life, so has to wade in and shit all over my happiness. Sigh.

You need to be the better person, allow her to develop a relationship with your kids, and try to make peace with the fact that she's a nut job.

kwerty · 10/01/2015 12:45

CobbOn I think that is incredibly harsh! I worry about being a MIL given the vitriol directed at some on here! MIL was kind enough to help the OP and there isn't any suggestion that she was anything other than helpful. As I mentioned upthread, she probably has too much time on her hands and frets about things, but doesn't mention them for fear of upsetting OP. Hence the letter which is her equivalent of a 'by the way..' txt.
Other than that, how is she shitting on anyone's happiness? How is she a 'nut job'.
I really, really hope I don't become a MIL to someone like posters on here.

diddl · 10/01/2015 13:44

" bitter that I am happy and making something of my life, so has to wade in and shit all over my happiness. "

Why would you want someone like that to have a relationship with your kids??

ConfusedInBath · 10/01/2015 13:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LokiBear · 10/01/2015 14:13

Lovely name. YANBU at all. I have the same issue with my DH and his mum (mil is lovely and we get on well). He seems to keep a running tally in his head of how often my mum has dd and how often his mum does. I think it stems from when dd was a baby and I struggled and wanted my mum. I found mil a bit interfering and wanted only my own mum. Looking back, I know mil was trying to help not interfere, but she was a bit forceful with it and I ended up getting a bit irrational and upset. I think what I am trying to say is that you are not alone with having a dh who champions his mum's involvement. I have found reminding dh that the grandparents are not in competition helps. Congratulations on your new baby

diddl · 10/01/2015 14:20

How these men who are so bothered about including their mum do it themselves though??

TidyDancer · 10/01/2015 14:28

I think mil is being silly, not awful though. And if she really thought you were going to call your DS Rudolph (assuming that's the name) then I'm not surprised she was a little taken aback! The letter was naughty though. SIL hasn't done anything wrong though, I suspect she was defending her DM who had just helped you enormously and she felt was being unappreciated. Not excusing the letter btw, but I can't see where SIL has gone wrong here.

Vvvoom · 10/01/2015 14:34

I really feel for you. Keep your distance and do what you like with your dc. If your dh argues, here's the reason.

Your sil is being ridiculous and pious. Do it back next time she moans about her mum

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/01/2015 15:10

"dh kept on throughout the pregnancy about how I musn't exclude his mother"
OP, why did he do that? What's the background? Given that he and his sister 'joke' about her behaviour, why is he so keen to foist her on you?

RandomMess · 10/01/2015 15:17

Sounds like MIL absolutely wanted to be involved but also loves playing the martyr!!!

diddl · 10/01/2015 15:22

It does, doesn't it, Random?

My MIl would go on about missing the gcs, but turn down invitations to visit!

kwerty · 10/01/2015 17:57

In what way is MIL playing the martyr? She offered to help, her offer was taken up, she helped as required. OP admitted that she doesn't actually know of any complaint; it was SIL who was moaning. What on earth has MIL done other than put pen tp paper over her concerns about the name. That is probably her equivalent of a txt. Some of you lot get the MIL you deserve, I think.

LLJ4 · 10/01/2015 18:31

Is SIL jealous? Unhappily childless? Is MIL generally more generous to DH than to SIL? Or is it the other way - is she jealous to have the spotlight off her for a change? I feel we are missing back story.

The letter was tactless and poorly timed. DH should not have shown it to OP until weeks or months had passed. But I am prepared. to believe it came from a good place.

SilkStalkings · 10/01/2015 18:51

We don't know that MIL has complained to SIL or played the martyr at all. It was SIL who suggested it was a big begrudged favour done by MIL.

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