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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think some parents have low expectations of their DC?

119 replies

Prole · 09/01/2015 15:59

18 year olds who shouldn't go abroad. 11 year olds who shouldn't cook. 16 year olds who shouldn't take a train on their own...

I was cooking my own dinner, shopping, going to the launderette, getting the bus to school etc etc from age 8. I didn't kill myself or burn anything down. This was 70s South London with a very disinterested single parent so independence was necessary. I moved out at 16 - made some youthful mistakes but dealt with the consequence myself.

Has something changed in the world? If so - what and why?

OP posts:
myotherusernameisbetter · 09/01/2015 20:14

We knew how to take the bus because neither of my parents drove or had access to funds to buy a car anyway. Everybody took the bus, or walked or cycled. My DSs have walked to and from town but have never taken the bus - i don't know what number it is or where it stops either because i'll either walk or take the car.

And the bit about the open fire is right too - I did that as that was the only form of heat we had - if you couldn't light the fire you got cold - I also remember having a paraffin heater which we could light - i also remember going to the shop to buy the paraffin and carrying a big plastic bottle of it - I could trim the wick on the fire too.

Having said all that. my DSs are scouts so have done lots of stuff with knives and cooking etc they have been away from home on camps etc which I never did from as young an age as they did. My 14 year old built his own PC - they can both make a simple meal, iron and hoover and do a load of laundry, fill the dishwasher, change a bed etc. Just because they don't do it all the time doesn't mean that they are incapable - life is just different for example they have no need to be able to manage a chip pan as everything is oven cooked now they don't need to be able to wire a plug as they are mainly all moulded on now.

notsogoldenoldie · 09/01/2015 20:30

Life was generally different then, though, for most people. There were far fewer cars, less money, and people (well, mothers,really) were around in the day, so there was a kind of solidarity amongst people that seems to be lost now. I'm a sixties child really: going to the local shop at 5 to buy fags; walking on my own to school, playing outside till all hours.

I was truly shocked, when I had my dd at the grand old age of 42, how much had changed. However, I used to send her to the shop aged about 7 with a list, she would go to the park with the (few) mates that were allowed to at about 8 and get herself to and from school by 9.

Some of her friends are still not allowed to go to the local town centre at 13.

LePetitMarseillais · 09/01/2015 20:33

No they don't need benign neglect.Neglect is neglect(however you dress it up or give fancy names to it)and can have a very negative impact years later.

myotherusernameisbetter · 09/01/2015 20:36

My parents both worked in an era when that was unusual - my Dad did a lot of night shift so was often in the house if we took ourselves home for lunch albeit he'd be sleeping - the school had no interest in whether you were going home to the shops or whatever at lunchtimes - you weren't their responsibility - nowadays they don't let kids out without permission slips etc. My dad took me to school on the first day and then it was up to me - I had to cross a main road but there was a lollypop man :)

NatalieHarding21 · 09/01/2015 21:02

An interesting quote i heard but have not verified is that Sir Richard Branson as a child maybe 5 years old use to walk 3 miles occassionally to and from his mothers and grandmothers, this was perhaps quite normal during that era, the 50s, as time has moved on things have changed, i remember crossing a very busy main road alone aged 5 but would not allow my child to do so until older, it is difficult to let go as we have families.

notquiteruralbliss · 09/01/2015 21:07

As far as I am concerned, my job to get my DCs to the point where they can thrive without my help before they leave home for work or uni.

From about 12, I would expect them to navigate their way round London, work out their own study schedule, deal with any bother they get themselves in at school and start to manage (some of) their own money. By 16, they would be pretty much doing their own thing with me contributing as / when invited.

I generally try and stay out of their social lives but should any of them find themselves somewhere they would rather not be at 4am, they only need to call or text me.

DixieNormas · 09/01/2015 21:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

skylark2 · 09/01/2015 21:57

"they seem incredibly cushioned from the real world.
I have even seen some in the launderette here when my machine broke down, I had to stifle my giggles at their confused little faces as they surveyed the machines, the pound slots etc"

DD had to figure out how to use a laundrette washing machine and dryer when she started uni.

She's been doing her own laundry for years. We own a washing machine (so she's never used one with a coin slot) and we've never owned a dryer - we have a washing line.

I don't think that makes her "cushioned from the real world." The real world does not solely consist of people who can't afford to own a washing machine.

Mrsjayy · 09/01/2015 22:09

I don't know anybody who doesn't allow the ir kid that go on a train at 16 or abroad at 18 or make a sandwich I grew up probably when you did my mother did my washing and cooked for me but I was getting buses on my own and working at 16, why did your parents make you do the washing at 8 thats quite sad I get you were resilient but doesn't make it right.

fuckingpamela · 09/01/2015 22:09

Why the rush? Surely starting all this cooking/ shopping/ travelling alone lark can start later than 8 years old and still be practiced enough before adulthood Confused

Mehitabel6 · 09/01/2015 22:16

Child experts are in favour of benign neglect- children need time to be bored and use their imaginations and have time to think. It is NOT neglect.

Mehitabel6 · 09/01/2015 22:19

What children do not need is every moment filled, every problem solved, and anxious parents who supervise every moment.

NotEnoughTime · 09/01/2015 22:43

I totally agree with you fuckingpamela

What's the great rush?

LePetitMarseillais · 09/01/2015 22:47

Sorry "benign neglect" is just a buzzword. Benign neglect is just an excuse for lazy parenting.

Plenty of parents don't hover their kids and let them be bored without resorting to neglect.

Bloodybridget · 09/01/2015 22:48

Uninterested! Not disinterested! Please!

amicissimma · 09/01/2015 23:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LePetitMarseillais · 09/01/2015 23:13

Um maybe the fact nobody had cars was why it was safe to let 7 year olds roam the streets.

Life now is different with more and faster cars.

I took the bus at 6 fell asleep on it once and ended up at the bus depot.No it didn't make me stronger.I found it upsetting and I still remember it to this day.The stories from dh's childhood would make your hair curl.Sure many would brag over them,mil certainly does.Hmm

Also neighbourhoods vary.The nice safe m/c localities are likely to be a lot safer to do these things in.

JassyRadlett · 09/01/2015 23:27

Yep, it's a well known fact that it's riskier to allow a 10 year old to cook in a low socioeconomic area.

JassyRadlett · 09/01/2015 23:35

Why the rush? Surely starting all this cooking/ shopping/ travelling alone lark can start later than 8 years old and still be practiced enough before adulthood

Plenty of threads on Mumsnet about how people can't get their teenagers to contribute to the household or family life. It would be interesting to know how many of those teenagers had been mucking in with household tasks before they hit the teenage years.

I like fredfred's approach way upthread, it was how I was raised and how I plan to raise DS. Everyone mucks in and has age-appropriate skills to do so.

Original poster
Prole · 09/01/2015 23:45

Back indoors now. Thanks for all the replies especially those who have corrected my use of 'distinterested'. As I said; this forum can be educational.

I've tried to be transparent about my unusual upbringing and non-parental status so aren't sure what I said to elicit responses such as YoullLikeItNotaLot's "Thank you for pointing out how great you are OP and how shite I am". But thanks for writing in... Thanks to Friedfish for being bold enough to admit their "illogical" kidnapping fear. I did ask, after all...

My job sometimes involves introducing 18-21 year old to a business which is seen as exciting and glamourous but unsurprisingly isn't when on the shop floor - forgive the vagueness as I don't want to out myself. It's a apprentice-type thing but the ones who last do get jobs which can pay 'em as much as £35k. Not bad I think. It is hard work though and every penny is certainly earned.

Some of them have attitudes to adult independence that trouble me. What better place for a sad child-less git to seek input and perspective than a parents' forum?

So broadly - I'm getting that quite simply social attitudes have changed a great deal. Perhaps the 70s were only part way between children up chimneys and their lot today. Public transport is much reduced outside of the cities so no buses for kids to use anyway. The traffic issue surprises me - I didn't know any kids knocked down at the time and have only met 2 as an adult. Bring back Tufty Tails? Also interested in the benign neglect/attention thing - I thought the constant stimulation of tablets, TV etc would engender attention. As a kid with sod all to do, I loved a good day-dream and got far to into the habit to the chagrin of my teachers.

I'd still appreciate more input on the 'mugs game' attitude. A lot of the youngsters who bail do so with the loudly spoken opinion that they'd be an idiot to go out and work when they can just stay at home, be fed by parents, play Xbox and doss about. My friends' smaller kids seem delighted to 'help' adults do whatever they're doing - of course the 'help' often isn't but they do want to get stuck in.

I'm a bit overwhelmed to get so many replies to my silly little post so thanks to you all.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 09/01/2015 23:50

Op your parents sound like they dident give a toss, at 8,910 a parent should be doing those thing for the child, as the child is still only little. What's the hurry in getting children independent when they are bearly out of infant school, there is plenty time for that. I started becoming independent at 12 onwards, I am not tied to my mums apron strings.

Original poster
Prole · 09/01/2015 23:53

LePetitMarseillais - I'm talking about Streatham/Brixton area of S London. Less cars than now but still very busy even then and definitely wasn't a m/c area. More of a kerb-crawling area unfortunately.

OP posts:
Bowchickawowow · 09/01/2015 23:54

I went to school by myself from 7, and had a lot of independence in terms of going out and about. I did no housework, but I did look after my siblings for long days. I saw several flashers, a man masturbating, and was followed on three seperate occasions by older boys / men. My mum doesn't know about any of this and would be horrified.

Aeroflotgirl · 09/01/2015 23:57

Bow Shock my point exactly!

Original poster
Prole · 09/01/2015 23:58

Aeroflot - my parent (just the one) didn't give any kind of shit and I haven't denied my (odd) perspective. I guess I'm saying 'I had to function almost as an adult and managed pretty OK. Why do some of today's youth not want to even try? Are some of them actually prevented from doing so...' I'm not saying it was fun but it wasn't all bad.

OP posts:
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