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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think some parents have low expectations of their DC?

119 replies

Prole · 09/01/2015 15:59

18 year olds who shouldn't go abroad. 11 year olds who shouldn't cook. 16 year olds who shouldn't take a train on their own...

I was cooking my own dinner, shopping, going to the launderette, getting the bus to school etc etc from age 8. I didn't kill myself or burn anything down. This was 70s South London with a very disinterested single parent so independence was necessary. I moved out at 16 - made some youthful mistakes but dealt with the consequence myself.

Has something changed in the world? If so - what and why?

OP posts:
Original poster
Prole · 09/01/2015 16:54

I have to go out now. Thanks for so many replies in such a short time - I'll certainly be looking back here later! always a lively debate.

OP posts:
Original poster
Prole · 09/01/2015 16:55

Have to go out now. Thanks to everyone for so many replies in such a short time. I'll certainly be back later. Always a lively debate.

OP posts:
FriedFishAndBread · 09/01/2015 16:56

I let her play out on the same road she walks along to the shop but for some reason if she's later then normal getting back I really worry that she's been kidnapped. I know that's completely illogical when in the summer she plays out all day and I only see her when she wants food or ice pop money but I panic if she's not home in the time it takes to get to the shop and back when I'm expecting her. So yes even as a teen I will need a phone call if she's going to be late.

DustWitch · 09/01/2015 16:56

Primary school age children are not always able to judge the speed at which cars are travelling and whether they have time to cross the road safely -www.royalholloway.ac.uk/aboutus/newsandevents/news/newsarticles/speedchildren.aspx

That is reason enough for me not to send my 8 year old shopping.

Iggly · 09/01/2015 16:59

As a kid in primary school, I was cooking, doing the shopping and looking after my younger siblings. But this was while my mum was pissed somewhere.

I'll encourage independence in my children (they're 5&3) as there were some positives as I got older but not shove them out the door and expect them to get on with it.

Sounds like you have a bit of a grudge about your childhood tbh.

The world isn't safer in some respects - so we need to manage that.

GrannyGoggles · 09/01/2015 17:02

You had an uninterested parent, not a disinterested one. However, maybe some parents are over invested or over anxious. Tricky getting it right, and it has to be a case by case decision.

DeWee · 09/01/2015 17:06

Oooh Green shield stamps. We used to fight over doing those for Gran. She used to save them all up until we came it was fantastic fun sticking them all in. Like doing the stamps at christmas. The ready sticky ones aren't as good.

bruffin · 09/01/2015 17:13

I lived in London in the 60/70s and did everything Prole says and I loved going to the launderette. However the road I lived in is a very different road trafficwise. In those days we played out in the middle of it, nowadays it is used as a short cut between two major roads. My sis actually had a fit in the middle of the road in front of a lorry in the early 70s, thankfully he stopped but nowadays she would have caused a major accident.

I have a 17 and 19 year old

They have been getting the train to school since year 7. I like them to have a mobile, if the train is cancelled there is no bus and its a 7 mile walk home and trains dont come along soon after. If there is a problem its usually hours.
My 19 has been on 3 holidays by himself, 2 of those abroad but not lads holidays.

JassyRadlett · 09/01/2015 17:18

My mum used to drop me at the supermarket with her cash card and pick me up 40 minutes later. I loved it, and she loved not dragging my younger brothers round the shop.

More than 20 years later and I still remember her PIN; I checked recently and she hasn't changed it.

slithytove · 09/01/2015 17:18

2021, my oldest will be 8

cooking my own dinner, shopping, going to the launderette, getting the bus to school etc etc from age 8

I will encourage him to cook with us. He will be hopefully able to make basic things. But I want to make cooking and eating a fun, social thing, so wouldn't have him doing it alone.

Same for shopping. I also think 8 is too young to be going out alone, we have no corner shops.

Launderette won't be necessary, but at any rate, I wouldn't allow it. He already helps me with the washing.

He won't be getting a bus to school alone at that age, and I don't see a need for it. I imagine he will be ok to walk with friends when he is 10/11. There is one road to cross.

At 12/13 I imagine he will start socialising alone and therefore using public transport.

As soon as he starts going anywhere alone he will have a basic mobile.

florentina1 · 09/01/2015 17:25

We cooked, cleaned, and travelled all from the age of 8 too. We were also responsible for the open coal fire. We survived because it was an everyday occurrence, we were aware of the dangers and we were lucky. Many children did have horrendous accidents in the home.

Many of us had parents who were children or teens in the war years, and they too were largely unsupervised.

Children today face a different set of dangers on balance I think it is harder for today's parents.

fredfredgeorgejnr · 09/01/2015 17:26

The traffic thing is most interesting in that despite the UK having among the best road deaths record in the EU, they do have a larger percentage of those deaths be children. But of course that's more to do with the fewer children killed in other car accidents, rather than the numbers killed in road accidents.

Another thing is that the UK's numbers are also among the older age groups, so it's odd that so many people conclude that the problem is the pavements that are not safe to walk, rather than the children not having learnt the skills.

slippermaiden · 09/01/2015 17:28

My 7 year olds can make cakes, toast, a cup of tea, know how to use the phone in an emergency, they know how to get to nanny and Grandad's house. They do it all supervised tho, but lead the way with me doing the hot or difficult bits, nothing wrong with learning the skills but it would be unfair to expect them to do

whippy33 · 09/01/2015 17:30

I agree with you OP. I was making meals, cleaning, going on the bus on my own at 8. I didn't have disinterested parents but those who had high expectations and believed you learnt as many skills in childhood to prepare yourself for adult life and so we were challenged. By 11 I used to go to the nearest city to meet a friend who moved away on my own (35 miles on 2 buses), change a plug, wash and iron clothing.
It is sad when you see pampered people such as my friend who bought her first house at 27 and did not know how to use a washing machine etc, it took her a year to get moved in because she had to wait for her parents to do the decorating and putting up curtain poles etc.

Starlightbright1 · 09/01/2015 17:38

I have a 7 year old...As he is a boy I am determined he will have the skills to look after himself. He helps me with dinner sometimes. we bake, cook things he enjoys making..He knows how to put washer on, hoover ( though not to my standards) He is a child and I like looking after him..Having the skills and needing to use them every day aren't the same.. I grew up in 70's no laundrette my mum had a twin tub but I did go to the corner shop for milk and got a 10p mix for going. No shop near where I live that mean it is unlikely to be an option for a few years yet.

duplodon · 09/01/2015 17:40

I would like to see my son cooking under supervision at eight, but not at a matter of necessity. I would fully expect him to be walking to and from school by nine or ten (fifteen min direct walk, he does it with me every day now) and to be taking a train independently by 16. He helps with laundry, sorting household items, setting the table, clearing away, folding clothes etc at five.

I don't think it is a good idea to aspire to latchkey kids but that's very different to promoting habits of independence with supervision and care.

YoullLikeItNotaLot · 09/01/2015 17:44

Well I'm just in awe of the OP and how amazing they are.

I'm certainly going to change the way I parent now I know how I should be doing it.

Thank you for pointing out how great you are OP and how shite I am.

Look forward to your views on how silly it us to use washing machines when years ago a bucket and dolly peg would suffice and your thoughts on escalators being indulgent as years ago people would have just used stairs.

ZingTheGreat · 09/01/2015 17:47

you said yourself you had a disinterested parent so you did these things out of necessity

and that is the point.
why should my 11 year old cook dinner if I'm here to do it? not saying he couldn't or wouldn't be allowed, but he isn't interested and there is no need for it.

I really don't get what your problem is. should I ignore my children even more so that they will do things for themselves out of necessity?
would that make you happy if more kids were ignored and had to fend for themselves?
Confused

some are not interested in cooking or travelling btw

hth

ZingTheGreat · 09/01/2015 17:51

and i wasn't allowed to go shopping until aged 12 because the crossing to shops was at a very dangerous double tram stop.
there were frequent accidents and my mother thought it's not worth the risk sending my sister and I on our own. rightly so

I shall call her and tell her she shouldn't have restricted our freedom, but instead not give a shit whether we live or die.

GrannyGoggles · 09/01/2015 17:56

It's uninterested not disinterested!

Mehitabel6 · 09/01/2015 17:56

I think the expectation is lowest when parents think they are unable to think for themselves and don't want them to come across any views that don't match their own.
I think that a lot is lazy parenting- they don't want to teach them to iron etc.

Doyouthinktheysaurus · 09/01/2015 17:58

I encourage my children to be as independent as I think they are able whilst not robbing them of their childhood.

I grew up in the 70's and certainly had more freedom but it was imo, the generation of 'bugger off and leave us alone' parenting, not something I want for my children.

The fact that you grew up fine and responded positively to the responsibilities you were given is great op. Sadly there will be others who floundered due to the same style of parenting, and which may have impacted their lives well into adulthood.

hazeyjane · 09/01/2015 17:59

When I was 8 I used to walk 6 miles to the local mill to work a 12 hour day with all the other 8 year olds, to earn a pittance to keep my family in stale bread....

....oh no hang on, that was the 1870s not 1970s, when I was lying around on the sofa reading Look In and watching The Muppets eating banana sandwiches made my me and my sister. In the eaxact same way my 7 and 8 year old dds now lie around watching Adventure Time and reading comics whilst eating banana sandwiches they made themselves.....

I seem to have missed something.

Babycham1979 · 09/01/2015 18:00

Sorry to be a grammar nazi, but this is really annoying. Disinterested means unbiased. Uninterested is, I think. What people are meaning to say?!

zzzzz · 09/01/2015 18:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.