To think that my dcs ARE a consideration?

[Edenviolet]

There have been issues with my family in the past and things are a bit difficult to say the least in general.

Anyway, DM has been very ill. Was in hospital quite a while, during which time dsis made lots of promises of helping her if she got better and how she was going to do x,y,z to help when DM was home etc etc. All accompanied of course by lots of amateur dramatics, weeping and wailing in front of anyone who looked like they may provide an audience as she adores attention.

As DM improved, dsis decided that actually, it was looking as if she may have to keep her promises and she quickly retreated and needed 'days off' from stressful visiting, had to think of her own health and well being etc etc. DB took a week off work so DM had a visitor every day whilst dsis said she was still really not well/too tired.
DM then a couple of weeks later came home (too soon I think as she was really not well). Of course this coincided with dsis deciding to have a 'breakdown' and declaring that she has bipolar and bulimia and is unwell physically so couldn't help at all. She then relented and went to 'try and help' DM a couple of times but ended up screaming and shouting and having huge arguments with her each time. As DM was still unwell db had to then go to help her and at other times I did and it was very difficult.

Db lives a very long way away so was having to drive long distances to help and has three dcs of his own (plus complicated access arrangements with two ex partners to negotiate involving more travel) and I have four dcs with disabilities and dh works so it was difficult to juggle and between us we tried but in the end a relative had to collect DM to stay with them for a bit.
Dsis does not work or have dcs so should, in theory have been able to keep her promises. Db had got exhausted going to help DM and drove hundreds of moles and I spent hours away from my dcs even on Xmas day as DM was so ill and couldn't be alone and needed help even to eat.

DM is now home and luckily seems a bit better but has a lot of appts to attend in the coming weeks which she needs help with to get to and from. Df spoke to dsis and asked could she help at all (df lives even further away than db, and is in very poor health so cannot help). Dsis went mad and said why should she do it, that it makes no difference that db and me have dcs that it is not a factor at all in whether we can help or not and why should she do anything. She said that our dcs should not be a consideration at all and we should not ask her to do anything and made lots of comments about popping a dc out just to have a good excuse not to be available all the time.
When asked specifically about the dates DM has the appts dsis replied with "well, I might be feeling ill those days or I might want to do my craft stall so I won't be able to help"

She keeps saying that it makes no difference that we have dcs and she doesn't and that we are "just as available" as she is. I've had enough of her attitude and can't even bring myself to speak to her as she clearly does not understand at all.

I'm hoping DM continues to improve and will be independent again but really don't see why in the meantime dsis can't do her share.

AIBU

I find it very frustrating that you are so disparaging of her needs while expecting her to be respectful of yours. clearly the dynamic between the two of you is complex but stop trying to apply logic and reason to someone with MH issues. I also don't see your logic in thinking that she must not be ill if she is able to run her craft stall, having MH issues doesn't necessarily mean everything seems impossibly difficult, it may be that she needs to avoid seeing her mother sometimes to look after herself, seems fair enough to me.

I did not at any point say to dsis I couldn't help because of dcs. She was the one who said that she had changed her mind and didn't want to help at all and then didn't like it when our father had said she should as she was the one with no job/dcs and had the time to help. He was the one who started the whole subject of whether dcs were a consideration or not and I agreed with him that it is more difficult for db andme to help as we have to consider childcare etc.

Today though she turned up and was fine and perhaps I was wrong to say things about her but it is incredibly frustrating.
To be fair to her she spent the majority of her day with DM sorting through Dgm things which was helpful in a lot of ways

To be totally honest Hedgehog, I wouldn't be confiding my deep private thoughts or even if I'd been to the doctor with you with such animosity and judgement in your shared history. Chances are you really don't know her or her true feelings or motivations nearly as well as you think you do.

Oh, I do. I know her very,very well. As does db.

Hedgehog posting........

Hedgehog posts 'dramatic' problem.
Lots of people offer advice.
Everyone offers advice and hedgehog shouts 'but I have done x, y,z'.
Hedgehog ignores advice and gets stroppy.
2 weeks later there is a new problem.

The end.

Let it go.

Hedgehog, you post in AIBU. Some of us think you are, yet you are constantly defending your beliefs and refusing to open your mind. Why should she consider your children when you belittle her problems?

You have a duty to care for your mum imo.
Things are going to be harder for you, but that's why most people don't have four kids. You had four, so that's the way it is.

Sorry, but is this the same mum and sister that would constantly dump on you? Your 'D'Sis who was so ill she couldn't be left on her own, so would be dumped on you for you to look after, including when she had her seizures, whose own boyfriend wouldn't look after her, and your DM refused to come home from work to look after her, yet you had to juggle all of your disabled children and their high levels of care at the same time?

Them?!

WHY are you going so far out of your way to be helpful???

I am shocked that your mother was discharged from hospital if she needed so much care. It sounds as if she should have been in a convalescent facility if she was incapable of even feeding herself

You know what your DSis is like and knew it was 95% likely she would not do any caring. You also knew that DB lives far away. and that you would not be able to do much caring. Did you say all this to the hospital?

Three months ago a hospital assessed my mother as medically fit to go home. I disputed that and the short story is that she was in hospital for another 10 weeks, was then moved to a convalescent facility and will be moving to a care home. I had to fight bloody hard to ensure she was safe and it was exhausting. But it was the right thing to do. I also wanted to move her into my home, but even with carers 4 times a day (I work full time) that would not have been possible - and the medical staff were as concerned about my well being as well as Mum's over this..

SO be realistic about the situation. Get patient transport arranged. Get a social worker arranged. get you Mum properly assessed to see what care she needs and whether it is viable for her to be at home. Take practical steps to make things more bearable

Ok, I have had a long hard think.

I think I have been unnecessarily harsh about mental health problems I probably do not fully understand. Whether dsis has a diagnosis or not a lot of my comments were although born out of frustration,probably wrong and unkind.

I accept the situation is undesirable and all three of us have commitments. Yes, in an ideal world dsis plans are easier to cancel than my dcs appts for example but they are valid to her.
In fairness to her, today was clearly a good day and she has gone above and beyond which I have not seen from her in a long time.

I have suggested we work together, when she can manage in order to help DM.
I apologise if I offended anyone who has any mh problems similar to dsis and I will also look at my own behaviours, motivations and see if I can address my frustrations away from mumsnet in order to avoid posting so much about these problems.

So, I guess I was being a BU

A bit U I mean

Your mum should be seeking outside help not leaning so much on all three of you considering your children have complex needs, your sister is ill both mentally and physically and your brother is far away.

Hedgehog, I mean this completely genuinely and not in a snarky way...

Why don't you print off every single one of your threads/posts on here about your family and read them all in one sitting? I think it really might be helpful for you to realise the extent of the problem and the patterns of repetition. Their characters and their actions, and your responses to them.

I know you will say you're fully aware of what they're like and you have changed in your responses....but you haven't. It's so obvious to me as a bystander that your family are literally wrecking your life but I know it's not so easy in the eye of the storm so to speak. In your perception of them, and I include your DH in this by the way, they swing from being horrific, to wonderful, to draining, to supportive and it changes even within the course of one thread!

I just think if you looked at all your threads together it may help. There is no point having multiple, conflicting threads on here and getting advice with your massive understatement There have been issues with my family in the past and things are a bit difficult to say the least in general.

Just an idea, it's genuinely with the best of intentions so please don't take it as a dig, I wonder if it will help?