To think that my dcs ARE a consideration?

[Edenviolet]

There have been issues with my family in the past and things are a bit difficult to say the least in general.

Anyway, DM has been very ill. Was in hospital quite a while, during which time dsis made lots of promises of helping her if she got better and how she was going to do x,y,z to help when DM was home etc etc. All accompanied of course by lots of amateur dramatics, weeping and wailing in front of anyone who looked like they may provide an audience as she adores attention.

As DM improved, dsis decided that actually, it was looking as if she may have to keep her promises and she quickly retreated and needed 'days off' from stressful visiting, had to think of her own health and well being etc etc. DB took a week off work so DM had a visitor every day whilst dsis said she was still really not well/too tired.
DM then a couple of weeks later came home (too soon I think as she was really not well). Of course this coincided with dsis deciding to have a 'breakdown' and declaring that she has bipolar and bulimia and is unwell physically so couldn't help at all. She then relented and went to 'try and help' DM a couple of times but ended up screaming and shouting and having huge arguments with her each time. As DM was still unwell db had to then go to help her and at other times I did and it was very difficult.

Db lives a very long way away so was having to drive long distances to help and has three dcs of his own (plus complicated access arrangements with two ex partners to negotiate involving more travel) and I have four dcs with disabilities and dh works so it was difficult to juggle and between us we tried but in the end a relative had to collect DM to stay with them for a bit.
Dsis does not work or have dcs so should, in theory have been able to keep her promises. Db had got exhausted going to help DM and drove hundreds of moles and I spent hours away from my dcs even on Xmas day as DM was so ill and couldn't be alone and needed help even to eat.

DM is now home and luckily seems a bit better but has a lot of appts to attend in the coming weeks which she needs help with to get to and from. Df spoke to dsis and asked could she help at all (df lives even further away than db, and is in very poor health so cannot help). Dsis went mad and said why should she do it, that it makes no difference that db and me have dcs that it is not a factor at all in whether we can help or not and why should she do anything. She said that our dcs should not be a consideration at all and we should not ask her to do anything and made lots of comments about popping a dc out just to have a good excuse not to be available all the time.
When asked specifically about the dates DM has the appts dsis replied with "well, I might be feeling ill those days or I might want to do my craft stall so I won't be able to help"

She keeps saying that it makes no difference that we have dcs and she doesn't and that we are "just as available" as she is. I've had enough of her attitude and can't even bring myself to speak to her as she clearly does not understand at all.

I'm hoping DM continues to improve and will be independent again but really don't see why in the meantime dsis can't do her share.

AIBU

Not sure how much money any of you have but could you pay for a carer and split that 3 ways?

No of course it isn't 'fair' but life just isn't fair. (sorry, see I'm just repeating what Fish said).

It's pointless spending endless time and energy thinking about what someone else 'ought' to do.

Decide what you and your DB can reasonably do and leave your DSis out of it, you can't make her help out.

We had a similar scenario when our ILs were ill - it all got a bit 'competitive' about who did the most or cared the most. That's why I am always slightly cynical when people saying having siblings helps when your parents get older and need more help - it doesn't always work out how you would like it to.

I thought your sister had seizures and was ill herself?
I think if your mum is that poorly then she needs a proper care package.

No, she is not getting proper treatment or even a proper diagnosis. She has decided she has these illnesses and devised her own treatment which was obtaining diazepam for 'back spasms' then taking x5 the dose, running out, getting into a state and taking DMs tablets and taking all those too. Apparently that's all she needs after her self diagnosis.

Buy then, whenever it suits her she's fine. Days when she was too ill/in bed to help at all and then we found out she had been out and about shopping or at the pub etc, and she makes sure we do as turns up and tells us. I used to pay her to clean for me and she would often say "too ill today can't leave the house" etc and would then turn up all happy saying she had been having fun doing x,y,z. I got to the point where I said I just couldn't afford it anymore (but actually just got someone different and unrelated who is great) and told dsis politely that I wouldn't be needing her anymore and she decided that no, I wasn't saying I didn't need her that in fact she was "quitting due to ill health"

I know she is clearly unwell in some way but whether it is what she says or not I really don't have a clue. It is a huge shame as when she is in a good mood and things are going her way she can be delightful. Anything other than that and she is a nightmare. I've encouraged her to seek help for these problems she says she has but she says no that her friends have had/got the same and they will help her.

I think the advice to discount her completely from the equation is probably wise. I was just irritated by her comment that my dcs are not a consideration when planning care for DM and I can't help but consider them, as db has to consider his dcs too.
Probably not much else I can achieve from this thread but Thankyou for the advice.

Dsis has epilepsy but has been relatively seizure free for a while. Her medications are controlling it well.

Surely your children are at school some of the time, well scheduled but she can't schedule her illness. I'm not saying she shouldn't help, but having children to consider is not the same thing

As much as it sounds like your Dsis is unreliable and selfish, it also sounds like she is really struggling to cope with life and maybe your mum being I'll was just one thing too much.

Yes, it's completely unfair that she can't/won't do her share of caring for your mum but you can't change that. All that you can change is the pressure you are putting on yourself to fill the gap when you can't. Get a care package in place and right her help off.

As for whether DCs are a consideration or not, I don't know. Obviously it does sound like your and your DB have more commitments than her but that doesn't mean her life and interests are less important.

Your sister sounds desperately unwell, diagnosis or not, and it also sounds as though there are longstanding, complicated, painful family dynamics. It also sounds as though both you and db are having a tough time and that your mother has more needs than you can manage collectively as things stand.

I think all you can do here is act in line with your own values with relation to yourself, your children and your dm. Rather than focus on 'have to's' and 'shoulds', think about what actions you can take that move you towards or away from that valued life. You can't control your sister in that regard. It's normal to feel stress and tension at times like these, and normal to experience feelings of resentment at having to bear the brunt of caring, but you can either chase these feelings and cause yourself, your sister and your mother suffering as you do, or accept that this is a tough, difficult time and just do what you can do. It sounds hard for everyone.

I think it's probably wiser for you all to look at bringing carers in to look after your mum. We did this forum father and it worked very well. He paid the maximum rate for it but back then It was means tested so those with less money paid less.

I feel a bit sorry for your mum in all this, she is ill and vulnerable and her care needs to be prioritised over family squabbles. If it is causing friction between siblings then take yourselves out of the equation and get a care package in place.

It just irritates me when she can turn round and say "no, I won't help that day as want to do my craft stall as I want to make some money" rather than help DM get to her follow up appt after what was a life threatening event and she needs to go to it.

I appreciate she may also be unwell but it comes across badly in a "I'm well enough to do something I want to do but not to help" way.

Like other posters have said its too much to any of us to deal with alone so I will see how DM gets on and if she can't manage she is going to need to request carers.

It's understandable that you find it irritating in the circumstances, however, self-care is important for your sister, too, and doing something you want to do in that context can be a good move. Many therapists advise people who are depressed to do things like craft fairs as an actual therapy, it's called behavioural activation. Does it annoy you because you feel you don't have that time to do things to take care of you? If that's the case, can you try to find ways to move towards having time for your own self care?

Well you know that she is unreliable and there is no trust there so you, you DM and your DB will have to make alternate arrangements.

I think it sounds like you are all busy and you may have to hire help.

It just irritates me when she can turn round and say "no, I won't help that day as want to do my craft stall as I want to make some money"

So she has her craft stall and you have your DC. I'm not sure she should have to take your DC into consideration, tbh. They aren't her responsibility, her craft stall is and it seems you aren't willing to take that into consideration?

If she has mental health issues then I can see why she can feel able to do something she enjoys that brings her into contact with people she likes to be around but then can't manage caring for someone who exhibits difficult behaviour.

Your dc are a consideration for you, but they don't have to be a consideration for your sister. It's really up to her to decide what she feels able to cope with, and in the same way that she shouldn't judge you for how you decide to deal with your life, you shouldn't judge her.

Ths the fact that she made grand promises to help when it looked like DM wasn't going to make it and then retracted them as DM recovered.

Its a lot easier to cancel a craft fair than sort out childcare for my dcs and seems odd that she only wants to do her craft stall on the days DM has appts it is very frustrating. The craft fairs are not therapy she does it to make extra money which she freely admits to everyone.

I think you are being unreasonable to assume that your commitments are more important than hers because you have children.

The craft stall may be less important to you but it doesn't mean it's not important to her. It's also not a hobby, as you yourself say she does it to make money - it's her job. Unless you want to pay her the money she would make, it's unreasonable to expect her not to earn money because you don't want to arrange childcare. Would you expect your DH to not go to work to help your DM?

Honestly I can see both sides - I can see why you feel she should do more for your DM because you and your brother have childcare issues, but I can see why she feels resentful at being expected to do the majority of care for your DM, especially if your DM is being quite challenging and she has mental health issues (she has a life too). I honestly think you need to step back from this and agree that if none of you are able to provide your DM with sufficient care then you need to look into third party care (e.g, jointly paying for carers or looking at residential care).

No, its not her job at all. Its to make extra money that she does not have to declare.

You don't get to decide what's important for others to do with their lives, including your sister. Your judgement of the situation is that it's easier for her to cancel her craft fair but that doesn't match hers.

How do you know what that craft fair means to her privately? She is your sister, not you... And even with those closest to us, we never know really what someone is thinking or feeling, even when you're in the middle of telling someone what you think or feel, there are other things left unsaid.

When she was afraid your DM would die she made promises that don't seem important to her now. That's normal enough I'd say but is between her and her conscience. Your irritation isn't going to change her behaviour so right now your irritation is nothing but a load for you to carry. I would accept it is annoying, it's understandable for these feelings to arise, but thinking about them over and over will only serve to make you feel lousy and more and more stressed and irritable and won't change a thing your sister does, it's completely unproductive for you. We think we can let off steam by discussing these things but mostly, people just feel worse and worse the more they discuss things they have no power to change. You can't and won't change her behaviour, so do yourself a favour and focus on coming up with a productive solution that meets your needs and values and forget about your sister and what she should or shouldn't be doing.

I don't really understand why it's not a job when the purpose of it is to make money? What else would you call it? Even if it's not her main job, it's still a second job. Even if she's not declaring it (which she should be.)

I know exactly what it means to her, it means £££ like everything else she does. Most if which is decidedly underhand and not really allowed but its all about money and nothing will get in her way it seems but that's another issue completely.

I'm just so frustrated at her attitude towards me and dcs and db and his dcs. All the "put ds in nursery fulltime so you can do it all" and "I'm too ill I'm in bed all day today" then turning up, prancing around telling us what fun she's having/her plans and how much money she's making on her latest scheme. I'm sick of it. I've tried and tried with her but she just gets worse.

She does not have a main job. She is too ill to work ....

I still don't get it - the craft fair stuff is apparently simultaneously "all about money" but "not a job" ?

Well, not a job that she is meant to have or even be meant to be able to do if what she writes on certain forms is to be believed.

Yep, I knew it would be you posting too before I even looked.

Your whole family including you all thrive on drama. You need to sort this out, haven't you had enough advice in the past on how to deal with this?

Or do you want people to repeat it again?

And before people think I'm an uncaring cold bitch, I have tried to help you in the past as have a lot of other people and nothing ever changes, the same threads are repeated again and again. I also understand what it's like to have DC with SN and am ill myself so no stranger to stress, but come on, how many times? There's a point where you actually need to TAKE the advice you seek and is provided so often.