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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that my dcs ARE a consideration?

90 replies

Edenviolet · 08/01/2015 23:41

There have been issues with my family in the past and things are a bit difficult to say the least in general.

Anyway, DM has been very ill. Was in hospital quite a while, during which time dsis made lots of promises of helping her if she got better and how she was going to do x,y,z to help when DM was home etc etc. All accompanied of course by lots of amateur dramatics, weeping and wailing in front of anyone who looked like they may provide an audience as she adores attention.

As DM improved, dsis decided that actually, it was looking as if she may have to keep her promises and she quickly retreated and needed 'days off' from stressful visiting, had to think of her own health and well being etc etc. DB took a week off work so DM had a visitor every day whilst dsis said she was still really not well/too tired.
DM then a couple of weeks later came home (too soon I think as she was really not well). Of course this coincided with dsis deciding to have a 'breakdown' and declaring that she has bipolar and bulimia and is unwell physically so couldn't help at all. She then relented and went to 'try and help' DM a couple of times but ended up screaming and shouting and having huge arguments with her each time. As DM was still unwell db had to then go to help her and at other times I did and it was very difficult.

Db lives a very long way away so was having to drive long distances to help and has three dcs of his own (plus complicated access arrangements with two ex partners to negotiate involving more travel) and I have four dcs with disabilities and dh works so it was difficult to juggle and between us we tried but in the end a relative had to collect DM to stay with them for a bit.
Dsis does not work or have dcs so should, in theory have been able to keep her promises. Db had got exhausted going to help DM and drove hundreds of moles and I spent hours away from my dcs even on Xmas day as DM was so ill and couldn't be alone and needed help even to eat.

DM is now home and luckily seems a bit better but has a lot of appts to attend in the coming weeks which she needs help with to get to and from. Df spoke to dsis and asked could she help at all (df lives even further away than db, and is in very poor health so cannot help). Dsis went mad and said why should she do it, that it makes no difference that db and me have dcs that it is not a factor at all in whether we can help or not and why should she do anything. She said that our dcs should not be a consideration at all and we should not ask her to do anything and made lots of comments about popping a dc out just to have a good excuse not to be available all the time.
When asked specifically about the dates DM has the appts dsis replied with "well, I might be feeling ill those days or I might want to do my craft stall so I won't be able to help"

She keeps saying that it makes no difference that we have dcs and she doesn't and that we are "just as available" as she is. I've had enough of her attitude and can't even bring myself to speak to her as she clearly does not understand at all.

I'm hoping DM continues to improve and will be independent again but really don't see why in the meantime dsis can't do her share.

AIBU

OP posts:

Original poster

Edenviolet · 09/01/2015 10:25

I have not posted about this situation with dsis before ?

Things are difficult and I need to vent. So what if my circumstance are difficult to change I just need an outlet. If you don't like that then when you see my name on an OP just hide the thread rather than be nasty.

OP posts:

chocoluvva · 09/01/2015 10:31

Hedgehog80 you might avoid unhelpful posts by avoiding AIBU.

Good luck with your difficult situation. I hope you manage to get a good care package for your mum soon and manage to accept that your DS can't/won't help. Try not to let anything she says get to you. She obviously has a lot of problems.

Original poster

Edenviolet · 09/01/2015 10:33

Agreed, AIBU may have been wrong place.

I get the same people saying I don't take advice each time and then end up having to go through exactly what advice I have taken and what things are resolved/changed for the better but if it wasn't their specific advice I just get attacked.

This time though, I'm not asking for advice iam just venting. That's what I sometimes need to do when nobody in rl to talk to

OP posts:

BarbarianMum · 09/01/2015 10:43

I think it is not your place to 'expect' your dsis to do anything. She has her own relationship with her parents and just because you've had children doesn't make her one of them. The way it works is like this:

you decide how much support he can offer your parents
your db decides how much support he can offer your parents
your dsis decides how much support she can offer your parents

Total=amount of help on offer.

People who think having children makes their time so much more valuable than those who don't piss me off, and I have 2 children.

BarbarianMum · 09/01/2015 10:44

Sorry, that should read

you decide how much support you can offer your parents

GraceFox · 09/01/2015 10:45

You need to put aside the rights and wrongs of dsis behaviour and get third party care for dm.

YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually · 09/01/2015 10:46

You have posted about your sis many times in the past.

Maybe I should have ignored it, this is the first thread though that have been "harsh" rather than supportive, I have given lots of support and advice in the past, but each time you post, people who are unaware of the back story take time to reply to you and it feels to me you are wasting theirs, and your time.

If it's frustrating for me, it must be even more frustrating for you though and I dearly hope you find the strength to put yourself first and get rid of all the people in your life who take advantage of you. As I've said before, I worry that you are cutting off support for yourself here by repeatedly posting (and they are ALL variations of a theme) and as I've also said before, counselling for your own self would be the best thing you can do, and you CAN get it, you need to make time for it.

I'll step out now but I do genuinely wish you well and hope your life improves and you become happier.

Original poster

Edenviolet · 09/01/2015 10:48

Hat I meant was this particular scenario.

Anyway, if you don't like that I vent here then don't reply. Hide the thread if it bothers you that I use mn as my outlet

OP posts:

Simile · 09/01/2015 10:51

You do realise that diazepam is used for treating bipolar amongst other illnesses? Also being "relatively" seizure free means she's having episodes. There are different types of seizures but they are very likely to exhaust her.

Perhaps your sister had good intentions then found she simply wasn't well enough herself to follow through. You need to accept that.

She has commitments, you have yours. You just don't seem to like her at all. Leave her alone.

HedgehogsDontBite · 09/01/2015 11:03

I've had enough of her attitude and can't even bring myself to speak to her as she clearly does not understand at all.

The words 'pot' and 'kettle' spring to mind.

BreconBeBuggered · 09/01/2015 11:06

Of course your DC are a consideration.

However, their care is only a concern for you. You know your sister's limitations. There is no point whatsoever in winding yourself up about the way you think she ought to behave. You'll end up looking as if you are trying to find a get-out clause of your own.

Resentment will only hurt you in the end, OP. Focus on getting your mum the care she needs.

Original poster

Edenviolet · 09/01/2015 11:06

DM doesn't have bipolar and the diazepam she had were for something else but dsis took them all as her gp refused to give her more and she was in a state without them.

OP posts:

chocoluvva · 09/01/2015 11:09

FWIW, I started several threads about my DD's BF and his mum who paid no heed to my concerns and put me in the difficult situation of appearing to be the overprotective/unreasonable mum who was no fun compared to the cool mum. They were mostly 'vents' too. (though not always described as such) Some posters said this mum was clearly "lovely"!

I haven't read your other threads. You obviously have a lot on your plate - more than your fair share - and I don't blame you for venting. But sometimes it's not helpful. If it becomes an unhealthy focus or waste of your time. And of course, venting doesn't change anything.....

Good luck. It's so very difficult to accept that people who are close to us can be a lost cause. If you can manage to accept that your DS won't help, accept that you've had a lot of bad luck and move forward from there you'll be happier. Ignore her unreasonable utterings and try not to waste time thinking about her.

chocoluvva · 09/01/2015 11:09

duplodon · 09/01/2015 11:25

You are just ruminating on this. You don't know exactly what it means to her, no human knows what another human experiences, you don't seem to like her. Go nc if you must, you are wasting your life and mental energy on being angry and judgemental. Is this how YOU want to live your life? 'venting' is overrated, you're just winding yourself up here.

Altinkum · 09/01/2015 11:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MythicalKings · 09/01/2015 11:56

YABU to think that the fact you have DCs should affect your Dsis' behaviour. It was your choice to have 4 DCs.

This has taken me back to the time my (then) Sis in law said she couldn't help at all with our mutual MiL when she needed some support because she had small children. I had a full time teaching job and lived miles away and she lived up the road from MiL.

I told our DHs that I was only prepared to do so much and if SiL couldn't do anything then they needed to do more or pay for care. You can only do as much as you are prepared to do and anything extra will have to come from somewhere else and, maybe, be paid for.

rumbleinthrjungle · 09/01/2015 13:25

I got distracted for a moment by your db having to drive the hundreds of moles in your OP - lovely image Definitely makes things harder.

Of course YANBU. But you're not going to be able to force her to do this never mind do it gracefully, it doesn't sound like she's someone able to act as a carer and it's going to be far less stressful for you as you say to just take her out of the equation. Plus I'd be anxious about your poor DM's experience if she has your dsis ranting and losing it and being aware that you're struggling too. Professional care and carers visiting regularly is going to be more reliable and calmer for everyone.

It can be that if you're a childless woman you feel constantly told by media and the world that your life is of less value, you don't have that special claim on your time so you can be expected to fill in and compensate for those who have children, the things that matter to you aren't nearly as important as other people's children should be to you (even though those things are there every day for you while those children are occasional visitors in your life). I'm not saying any of these things are right, but this can be how it feels. There can also be panic as the childless sibling that you will end up being the one whose life gets sacrificed to be a carer for elderly parents and you will never have a life of your own, while your sibs have partners and children and created a visible life of their own that people will respect. And under that layer is the 'I don't have a partner and children, I have somehow failed' fear, along with the one about dying along and being eaten by Alsatians a la Bridget Jones. This may be tapping into deep layers of this stuff in dsis.

rumbleinthrjungle · 09/01/2015 13:26

*alone, not along.

crumblebumblebee · 09/01/2015 14:25

YABU and incredibly dismissive of your sisters needs.

Rinoachicken · 09/01/2015 14:47

Apologies if this has already been answered, but how do you know she hasn't been diagnosed bipolar?

wannabestressfree · 09/01/2015 15:18

As I have said before if your mother is that ill that she warrants tag much care then she needs carers.
You fell out with your husband due to doing stuff for your sick mother and now your sister doesn't do enough. She may be seizure free but those meds are horrible in themselves and are very tiring.
Do what you can or are able to and seek help for your mum or ask your brother too.
Hedgehog you do have a habit of being 'kylesque' and need to implement some changes. Everything is always 'terrible'. Vent away but god do you never just fancy a break?

Nicknacky · 09/01/2015 16:18

I think you are being very unfair to your sister and totally dismissive to any medical conditions or mental health issues that she may have, in fact you appear to doubt their very existence. It sounds like you don't like her, tbh. Which is fine, we don't have to get on with our siblings.

And if she is doing craft fairs to earn money, can you really blame her? She needs to pay bills and eat as much as everyone else.

I think the problem is that you think your own circumstances are so terrible that you struggle to realise that other people have issues in their lives as well. They may not be as bad as yours, in your mind, but they are to that person.

Your DM appears to need a lot of care and if it's long term then you need professional help with that.

rookiemere · 09/01/2015 17:02

What age is your DM?

Do you need to start to consider power of attorney on her accounts - you mentioned a volatile mental state in one of your earlier posts?

Does she have anything coming in that could pay for additional help? What about the person that you have cleaning, could they in the interim do extra hours?

Forget about what help your Dsis is or isn't providing and use that energy to try to get a care package sorted out for your DM.

Original poster

Edenviolet · 09/01/2015 17:14

She told me she thought she had bipolar, I suggested going to the gp and she said no. I offered to go with her she again declined and said she knows herself she has but does not want to see anybody about it as when she's mentioned it at mh appts before they have said she doesn't have it and she believes them to be wrong.

I have to say, in all honesty today she has been fine and lovely. Came round to see DM, helped her sort through all Dgm stuff (she passed away in dec) spent hours looking through everything and her and DM had a lovely aft deciding which bits they wanted to keep or not so she does have it in her to be kind and helpful so I take back some of what I said earlier.

OP posts:

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