To not want to let her have our house?

[Ladybird20]

The house is rented. We love it. lovely area, lovely neighbours, nice walks near by, lovely pub within walking distance.

We've only been here for about 6 months but as soon as we moved in we instantly felt settled. We're so happy here.

DH's exW has just split up with her BF, he's temporarily moved in with his Mum whilst she finds somewhere to live. She moved the children to live with him (about an hour away) so they moved school etc. They'd only been together 5 minutes so tbh this split was always pretty inevitable (she doesn't have a great track record!).

So now she's trying to find somewhere to live and is struggling. Her old employer has given her a job so she wants to come back to this area. Which is great as far as the 2 DC are concerned, it will mean contact with DH will be much easier and they can start midweek contact again. Excellent.

So on Sunday she picked the kids up from our house and saw that one of the houses on our Avenue is up to let. She said ''oooo wouldn't that be lovely if the children could live across the road from their Dad?'' Although I don't fancy the ex being so close, I do agree it would be wonderful for the children.
Anyway, DH said ''it would but it's really overpriced, it's £200pcm more than this one, it's got an extension but I don't think it's worth the extra money''.
It was left at that.

Then on Tuesday DH got an email asking if he would let her and the children move in to our house and we move in to the one down the road.
We thought she was having a laugh. She wasn't.

DH has said that there are plenty of other houses in the area and we will do anything we can to help with the move, but to ask us to move house is just totally unreasonable.

Her arguments are: DSS (9) has behavioural problems and she thinks living near DH will really help him. She can't afford the bigger, more expensive house but we can (we can't). She wants the DC to go to the school which we live on the door step of, it is an excellent school and she thinks it will suit DSS better because it's small. However, she doesn't have a chance of getting in there as it's so over subscribed, even people who live a few streets away can't get in. When we moved I didn't even bother trying to get my DS in to the school as I know there's no chance.

She's turned really nasty now saying thinks like ''you're a selfish prick, you only think about her and her kids'' (my kids are also HIS kids). And ''you have a responsibility to provide all your children with the same standard of living''. DH's response to that was ''they can come and live with us then''.

But she does this kind of thing, once she's decided that she wants something she won't give in until she gets it and she actually convinces herself that she's being totally reasonable and anybody who dares to disagree with her is a bastard.

She did something similar years ago. When they first split up she moved in to a council house (her choice, she didn't want the marital home). After a couple of years she decided she needed the marital home and asked DH to swap houses. He didn't want her house but we were at a point in our relationship where we were considering moving in together so he moved in to my house and let her have the marital home. Since then the house has been sold.
But I can see in her eyes, she got what she wanted previously, so she should be able to do it again.

And even if we did agree to her having this house, there's no guarantee that the landlord would agree to it.

I do suspect that part of the reason for doing this is because she'll struggle getting somewhere in her name. She has bad credit. DH got declined for credit a few months ago and when we checked his credit report there was something on there from her, some debts had been taken over by a debt management company and it was showing on his credit file because they were still financially linked on there. That's all been rectified now.
There's no chance that we can risk her living in a house that we're financially liable for. We had all that when she was living in the marital home, she sometimes wouldn't pay her half of the mortgage so DH would have to pay it all.

Sorry this has turned out to be a bit of an essay, didn't want to drip feed.

Please tell me I'm not being unreasonable.

DH pays more than minimum child maintenance, she is in a very well paid job and earns about the same as DH and I do jointly. Yes DH wants to make sure his DC are in a decent house and we genuinely will help her with a deposit and the actual house move if she needs it. But this is just too much isn't it?

Let your landlord know. If she's convinced herself she's in the right she will start badgering them once she gets nowhere with you.

Now is the time to get access formalised via the courts, especially as she has form for using them as leverage when she doesn't get her own way.

OP HER kids and what's best for them are not your priority. YOUR children and whats best for them however is and should be.

Honestly if you give into this what will be next - oh I quite like your dc's school they can leave and go elsewhere any my dc can have their places.

I thought DP's ex was bonkers and unreasonable (and in different ways she is) but even she hasn't tried suggesting I move to convenience her! I just hope she never sees things thread or it will give her ideas.

YANBU. Whatever happens do not give in

this thread not things thread

I still don't understand how your partner would instantly know the rent of a house for let in your road.

Er, it's advertised in the paper? Which means of course she has photos (or a good visual memory) of the road and searches the lettings in the local paper obsessively.

Of course your being unreasonable!

She is the mother of his children and what she wants is what she gets!

You on the other hand should be positively ecstatic about living in the cardboard box in the garden as obviously only she deserves that lovely house!

While your at it you should make sure her pumpkin carriage is ready for her to go and pick up her new unicorn that will become her pet which of course will need your entire wardrobe as it's bedding!

Then when she's settled in make sure her magical wings are ready for her levitation so she won't damage her fragile arse by sitting on it.

She can't afford the bigger, more expensive house but we can (we can't).

If you can't afford it, that's all the reason you need. If you even need a reason. You do not have to justify your decisions, as a family, to her. End of.

Wow. Do not engage in this; or any future mad plans she comes up with to suit her needs/whims.

If you let her, she will run you ragged. I think your DH should step back and let her sort her life; he's there for the kids; not be be her bank or moving company.

No doubt someone will know much more than me about this, but if one of her arguments is getting her dc into a particular school, then can't dh apply anyway, I thought that both parents were able to do this? Not just at the house they are usually resident at. Very happy to be corrected on this, but have seen this happen locally.

If this is the case, it's another thing to counter her arguements with.

My DH's ex is similar. Once she gets an idea in her head then its like a military campaign to get her way. There is no answer that she won't pull apart; it's just an endless debate. We use to get 10 - 20 phone calls a night when she was 'in mode' over something.

The only thing that worked...THE ONLY THING... was to say 'No'. Don't explain why. Just say No, that doesn't work for us. And repeat it, calmly and firmly.

There is no reasoning with an unreasonable person.

linerunner as soon as we saw the TO LET sign go up we looked onrightmove to find out how much it was, we could do with a bit more room so if it happened to be a similar price to what we are currently paying, we probably would have considered it. But it's not worth £200pcm more

Get a mediator to help formulate the visitation agreement.

Don't give her your home, or any more access to your DH than she gets. Just shut that down.

She's obviously at a loss now because of her breakup, and wants to flex her power over your DH. She sounds very narcissistic/ mentally unsound.

Let her stew about water she lives, don't help her with any deposit- she's earning so doesn't need it, (no matter how pathetic she sounds) and get those visitation rights nailed down with a mediator.

imip i thought it was the parent they usually live with/ the one who claims CB can make the school applications?
But tbh where they are living won't make that much difference, she'll never get them in to that school, it's 30 kids per year and once ppl get their kids in there they never move them.
There's other schools near by, to my knowledge the only school in the whole area with places available is the one DS is at because it's just moved to a new building and it's a really excellent school. Whether she lived here or 3 miles away they'd still prob be put in that school.
The LEA are only obliged to put them in a school, it doesn't have to be the school on your door step.

DH has had more emails off her today but he's just ignored them.

She's just like this annoying little fly just buzzes around the room being annoying. You try and squat her but you can never quite get her!

DH and her were referred to a mediator in the past, she went for her initial assessment but was deemed unsuitable for mediation. I think that says it all really

She is nuts. She sounds like my SIL- every bat shit crazy for everyone else but good for SIL idea is backed up with a "but it's best for DCs, especially when she only had PFB.

BIL's mate's wives and girlfriends post comments on his Facebook all the time about it. He'll say "Going to cinema as DS and DD want to" and the poor women who have SIL foisted on the socially all the time mate's partners will say "Oooh, you sure it's not that SIL wants to go" or " Bet means SIL wants to go".

When I first met DH i went with it for a little bit, as i was new to the family plus I couldn't believe anyone was that self deluded or had that much brass neck.

But she obviously has a spiritual twin in your Dh's exW. Maybe they could do a crazy bitch-off, see who could make the most ridiculous demands in the name of the DCs. And the winner can get your house wear a crown.

Just in case you need to hear it again

YANBU

She's just trying to get the better of you, to make you 'understand' that SHE is the one your DH actually loves and cares about, you've only got him on loan until she wants him back. Clearly.

Just get DH to reply something along the lines of 'Given the number iof emails you have sent me, after I have said 'No, we are not moving'. I am concerned you are not handling the breakup with your boyfriend. It's understandable. It's probably best if you can't sort yourself and some accommodation out, that the children come to live with me & Ladybird'.

Given she earns what you and DH do and gets maintenance on top, you'd be MAD to finance the deposit or anything else. She's a grown woman. Of course be flexible re the children, possibly even help her physically move, but do not give her money.

Tell her to fuck off. She is being a dick. You are most definitely not being unreasonable!

YA sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo NBU.

WHAT a NUTTER.