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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to let her have our house?

93 replies

Ladybird20 · 08/01/2015 11:57

The house is rented. We love it. lovely area, lovely neighbours, nice walks near by, lovely pub within walking distance.

We've only been here for about 6 months but as soon as we moved in we instantly felt settled. We're so happy here.

DH's exW has just split up with her BF, he's temporarily moved in with his Mum whilst she finds somewhere to live. She moved the children to live with him (about an hour away) so they moved school etc. They'd only been together 5 minutes so tbh this split was always pretty inevitable (she doesn't have a great track record!).

So now she's trying to find somewhere to live and is struggling. Her old employer has given her a job so she wants to come back to this area. Which is great as far as the 2 DC are concerned, it will mean contact with DH will be much easier and they can start midweek contact again. Excellent.

So on Sunday she picked the kids up from our house and saw that one of the houses on our Avenue is up to let. She said ''oooo wouldn't that be lovely if the children could live across the road from their Dad?'' Although I don't fancy the ex being so close, I do agree it would be wonderful for the children.
Anyway, DH said ''it would but it's really overpriced, it's £200pcm more than this one, it's got an extension but I don't think it's worth the extra money''.
It was left at that.

Then on Tuesday DH got an email asking if he would let her and the children move in to our house and we move in to the one down the road.
We thought she was having a laugh. She wasn't.

DH has said that there are plenty of other houses in the area and we will do anything we can to help with the move, but to ask us to move house is just totally unreasonable.

Her arguments are: DSS (9) has behavioural problems and she thinks living near DH will really help him. She can't afford the bigger, more expensive house but we can (we can't). She wants the DC to go to the school which we live on the door step of, it is an excellent school and she thinks it will suit DSS better because it's small. However, she doesn't have a chance of getting in there as it's so over subscribed, even people who live a few streets away can't get in. When we moved I didn't even bother trying to get my DS in to the school as I know there's no chance.

She's turned really nasty now saying thinks like ''you're a selfish prick, you only think about her and her kids'' (my kids are also HIS kids). And ''you have a responsibility to provide all your children with the same standard of living''. DH's response to that was ''they can come and live with us then''.

But she does this kind of thing, once she's decided that she wants something she won't give in until she gets it and she actually convinces herself that she's being totally reasonable and anybody who dares to disagree with her is a bastard.

She did something similar years ago. When they first split up she moved in to a council house (her choice, she didn't want the marital home). After a couple of years she decided she needed the marital home and asked DH to swap houses. He didn't want her house but we were at a point in our relationship where we were considering moving in together so he moved in to my house and let her have the marital home. Since then the house has been sold.
But I can see in her eyes, she got what she wanted previously, so she should be able to do it again.

And even if we did agree to her having this house, there's no guarantee that the landlord would agree to it.

I do suspect that part of the reason for doing this is because she'll struggle getting somewhere in her name. She has bad credit. DH got declined for credit a few months ago and when we checked his credit report there was something on there from her, some debts had been taken over by a debt management company and it was showing on his credit file because they were still financially linked on there. That's all been rectified now.
There's no chance that we can risk her living in a house that we're financially liable for. We had all that when she was living in the marital home, she sometimes wouldn't pay her half of the mortgage so DH would have to pay it all.

Sorry this has turned out to be a bit of an essay, didn't want to drip feed.

Please tell me I'm not being unreasonable.

DH pays more than minimum child maintenance, she is in a very well paid job and earns about the same as DH and I do jointly. Yes DH wants to make sure his DC are in a decent house and we genuinely will help her with a deposit and the actual house move if she needs it. But this is just too much isn't it?

OP posts:
drbonnieblossman · 08/01/2015 13:07

Warn your landlord as the ex will be able to find out her name and most recent address lodged with them from the land registry for a bargain £3 so she's bound to do it!

flymetotheprune · 08/01/2015 13:09

I can't believe you are giving this mad woman head space. Your DH sounds like he's got his head screwed on though. She is making a ridiculous demand - but you know that anyway Confused

HerRoyalNotness · 08/01/2015 13:10

She really is taking the proverbial isn't she?

And if she earns the same alone as you and your DH jointly, I wouldn't be helping her with the deposit either. It's about time she took personal responsibility and sorted herself out.

FishWithABicycle · 08/01/2015 13:22

YANBU and she's a total nut job, obviously.

Keep the words "we can't afford it" out of it though - saying that contains the implicit acknowledgment that this is a reasonable request that you would agree to if you could. Which it isn't.

She could indeed find out who the landlord is, or at least the owner of the building assuming that's the same person, by paying £2 to query that Land Registry. She sounds too unhinged to be that systematic though.

She sounds very like an entirely loopy acquaintance of mine who justifies all sorts of unreasonable decisions, including various disastrous relationship decisions, with "I've prayed about it and this is what God wants for me" when it's clear that in her mind what God wants only ever equates, conveniently, with what she wants. In the case of your DH's ex, substitute "it's what is best for the children" and the situation is identical.

Starlightbright1 · 08/01/2015 13:25

I read your first post and thought no is a complete sentance ..The more I read the more I think this is completely the appropriate response..No matter what explanation you give she will be looking for a way round that.

Your DH's responses sound perfect also.

Original poster
Ladybird20 · 08/01/2015 13:34

trooperslane I wish I was. Unfortunately this isn't even an isolated incident but I think she's definitely exceeded herself this time, definitely an all time best!
She used to really get to me and I used to get really angry about her, actually nearly punched her once! But I've learnt to ignore her over the years, but this time as it's over something that directly affects me, it's really got to me. I've even found myself wondering if we're the ones being unreasonable as I do feel there's such a pressure to put DSC first. Really glad that you all agree.

Maybe the stress of the split has sent her a bit doo-lally?

OP posts:
MaliceInWinterWonderland78 · 08/01/2015 13:34

she actually convinces herself that she's being totally reasonable and anybody who dares to disagree with her is a bastard.

She sounds like a Mumsnetter Grin.

You're not being unreasonable though.

MadisonMontgomery · 08/01/2015 13:41

She sounds utterly crazy, and you can't reason with crazy. Say no, firmly, repeatedly, and don't give her reasons why, she'll only try to get round them. See a solicitor to get contact formalised, and warn landlord etc in case she tries to go to them directly.

beautyfades · 08/01/2015 13:48

As if!!!

Original poster
Ladybird20 · 08/01/2015 13:50

maliceinwinterwonderland hopefully she is a mumsnetter and will read this and see that everyone thinks she's being unreasonable.

fishwithabicycle (love the name btw) yes your friend sounds very similar. It's funny I even saw an argument between her and her sister on fb (DH is still friends with her family) and her sister said something on the lines of "it's funny how what is best for the kids always actually works out as being what is best for you".
She makes out that she always puts the kids first but in reality she's far from the ideal mother and has made some pretty selfish poor decisions along the way.

OP posts:
CarbeDiem · 08/01/2015 13:55

You don't need to be told this but just to add weight -
Y A most definitely N B U
She's bonkers!
In what world would you have the nerve to ask something like of your Ex and his wife?

Let your Dh handle it. A simple no, not happening! is sufficient from him I think. You're right it's a shame and totally not fair on the dc if she restricts access because you won't bow to her demands but the only other alternative is to ask how high when she says jump, then she'll just continue with her selfish behaviour. Or maybe see a solicitor if she follows through with it and attempts to punish your Dh.

SpidersInTheBox · 08/01/2015 13:56

She's mad. Why on earth is she expecting you to give up your house with a decent landlord in a good area, bonkers.

YADNBU. Tell her no in very straight forward terms.

Splodgeses · 08/01/2015 13:58

You say she earns more than you and dh joint, and she obviously isn't paying maintenance (just receiving it) So she should be much better off than you. Only one adult mouth to feed etc and I am guessing her dc are older than yours too, so don't cost as much regarding childcare.

Tell her she is NOT having your home. If she wants the one that is £200 pm more, she could probably do so, and your calm assumption of her being able to afford it, might make her realise that she can't just ask for what someone else has!

I would take pre-emptive action too. Talk to ll. Also talk to friendly neighbours (you don't have to explain anything in detail) as then she is stripped of being able to call the council/authorities and pretend to be a complaining neighbour in an effort to getting you chucked out.

I feel for you OP, I know some crazies too.

Ohfourfoxache · 08/01/2015 13:59

Fucking hell, she's batshit.

Erm, I don't actually know what else to say, other than ya definitely nbu. I'm gobsmacked that anyone can have this sort of attitude tbh.

needaholidaynow · 08/01/2015 14:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Worksallhours · 08/01/2015 15:19

It might be wrong here, op, but it strikes me that she might get some sort of power trip from this kind of behaviour.

It might not be that she actually wants your home, but more the satisfaction that she can make her exH, his new DP and DCs massively change their lives on one of her whims.

MrsTawdry · 08/01/2015 15:24

Yes...she's tripping on the fact that she can affect you...make you feel unsettled. Asking for your home though. It's so laughable that she's effectively removed all of her power anyway.

FantasticButtocks · 08/01/2015 15:38

Obviously you're not going to giving up the house you like so that she can live there. That would be ridiculous.

But if she does take the one in the same road, she will be a right pain the arse neighbour!

pluCaChange · 08/01/2015 16:43

If you and DH are joint tenants, he can't force you to move out, so even if she gets to him, your and his DC are still safe!

Hissy · 08/01/2015 17:22

Just ignore her.

DH gets to tell her that she no longer has a say in where he lives, and that is that. She will have to cut her cloth or get a guarantor... NOT DH

Original poster
Ladybird20 · 08/01/2015 17:50

It might be wrong here, op, but it strikes me that she might get some sort of power trip from this kind of behaviour.
It might not be that she actually wants your home, but more the satisfaction that she can make her exH, his new DP and DCs massively change their lives on one of her whims.

You are exactly right, that's exactly what it is. I think she's jealous of what we have, yes she likes the house, but she just wants to affect our lives.
Although she disguises her demands as "it's what's best for the kids" I think she gets some comfort in thinking that DH will still do things for her, so that in her warped mind she can believe that she still means something to him and that she could therefore have him back if she really wanted. It's quite sad really.
She did get better whilst she was with this boyfriend, obviously being happy made her care less about our lives, but now they're over its clearly starting again.

OP posts:
DarkHeart · 08/01/2015 17:54

Tell her to fuck off! I cannot believe she had the cheek to suggest this.

newyearsresolutionsnotforme · 08/01/2015 19:03

She's unreasonable and if you did give to her no only might you be acting illegally by subletting, but she could damage the property of refuse to pay rent-leaving you liable in all cases.

Sounds like she thinks that she says 'jump' you should say 'how high?' Then 'punish' you using the children.

KitbitAgain · 08/01/2015 20:26

I quite fancy the enormous house across the road. Think I'll ask the current people to move out of their family home so that I can move in. Sure they won't mind.

She is a loon.

Marylou2 · 08/01/2015 20:49

OMG I'm speechless!!! I imagine you don't need me to tell you that this woman is completely crazy. Stand firm with your DH and present a united front.If need be put it in writing that you have no intention of ever letting her have your home
She's done it once before, don't let it happen again

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