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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want my 11yr old dd go on a sleepover

74 replies

mrscraig · 07/01/2015 11:43

My 11yr old dd is in her first year at secondary school and has been invited to a sleepover on Friday night.

My daughter has really struggled to settle into her new school and I would still say she isn't 'happy'. One of the reasons is that she's had one girl in particular being unkind - nasty comments, excluding her from the group and even a slap on the face. These problems were ironed out, after I contacted her head of year, and my dd and this girl are now friends. Well, at the moment anyway.

Now this girl had invited my dd for a sleepover at her house. I have never met this girl or her mum so feel very reluctant to let her go. On the one hand I don't want to exclude her from opportunities to develop friendships and have fun but on the other hand I don't want her being at a strange house, with a girl who has upset her so much in the past that she's begged me to change school.
Help!

OP posts:

Jinglebells99 · 07/01/2015 11:50

Does your dd want to go? Tbh I wouldn't be happy for my dd going for a sleepover in those circumstances either.

JeanSeberg · 07/01/2015 11:52

I'd invite this girl round to your house for tea first so you can judge the dynamic for yourself. Then drop her back home and meet her mum/dad. After that you can decide whether a sleep over is appropriate.

suecy · 07/01/2015 11:53

I would not let her go at all. I would say to the other girls mum that 'it doesn't suit you' this weekend and maybe suggest the other girl comes round to yours after school instead some time in the next few weeks so you can work out the lie of the land yourself. I would be honest with DD and say you are pleased they are now getting on but these things take time etc.

It is far too long for them to be together with their history without you being around.

Also, regardless of history there is no way my DD would go for a sleepover to a house I'd never been to with people I'd never met. No way. My DD is Y7 and has had 1 afternoon party where I dropped off n collected at a house I didn't know but a sleepover - no way. I have met DD's best friend's parents on a few occasions and had her here, and I now would be happy for my DD to go there. But not before those things had happened.

In short, NO NO and NO!!!!

Mama1980 · 07/01/2015 11:53

What does your dd want to do? Are they getting on now, this could be a olive branch.
Otoh though I would share your concerns, can you contact the other mum?

AmantesSuntAmentes · 07/01/2015 11:54

YANBU. With the turbulent recent history, I'd have to say no, if it were mine.

blanklook · 07/01/2015 11:55

Hard isn't it, the thought of your dd being "captive" at a former bully's house.
I'd say it's too soon for a sleepover.

If they do really seem like friends now, suggest a playdate at yours so you can observe how this other girl is, then only accept a return playdates for now. Again , if all seems fine, suggest the sleepover is at yours, so you can keep an eye.

Original poster

mrscraig · 07/01/2015 12:01

Thank you so much for your replies.

This is uncharted territory for me and sometimes feel out of my depth. My mum was really strict with me whilst I was growing up, which caused a lot of resentment. So I'm desperate not to be too harsh on her and want to listen to her wishes. She does really want to go but I don't feel comfortable with it at all.

OP posts:

arlagirl · 07/01/2015 12:05

Ask your dd.
Maybe suggest she just goes for tea.

katrina81 · 07/01/2015 12:05

No I wouldn't let my dd go either under the circumstances. I would suggest getting to know the other girl first. Most of my dd's friends come round to ours first so I can see what they are like.

AmantesSuntAmentes · 07/01/2015 12:39

mrscraig, you aren't being strict. You aren't repeating history. Occasionally, we all have genuine concerns for our dcs wellbeing and welfare and occasionally, that means we have to say no. It's not that you don't want her to have a sleepover, it's that you don't want her to be hurt - from what you describe, I'd say your concerns are completely valid.

AmantesSuntAmentes · 07/01/2015 12:39

Letmeeatcakecakecake · 07/01/2015 12:48

Wasn't being a young girl in secondary school horrendous?

I can think of a similar situation to when I was in school, and to be honest, I would encourage your daughter to really distance herself from this girl.

There was a girl at my school, she was horrendously nasty, and very popular because everyone wanted to be her friend to be part of the 'in crowd'. Having said that, she actually treated her friends worse than her enemies, she was nasty, and bitchy, and hot and cold so they would never know where they stood with her. This made the girls want to be her friend even more! Any one of these girls would jump at the opportunity to sleep at her house, then would either get treated like dirt whilst they were there (especially if there was another girl as they would gang up) or they'd be BFF at the sleep over, and come Monday she wouldn't talk to them. A close friend of mine was part of this abusive relationship for her whole time at secondary school and she was regularly in tears and anxious and dreading school as she just didn't know where she stood (if this girl didn't talk to her, none of the others would either).

Anyway, I'm waffling. I think you'd be kinder to your daughter in the long run to not let her go to the sleep over, and to plan something for her that's better so she doesn't feel like she's left out. Trip to Nandos and cinema with another friend ect?

As for the nasty piece of work from my secondary school, she's now a primary school teacher. Poor kids.

Original poster

mrscraig · 07/01/2015 12:58

Thank you.
She's really putting the pressure on about going. I'm going to phone the girls mum and suggest my dd just goes for tea but not a sleepover.

OP posts:

Original poster

mrscraig · 07/01/2015 13:00

Letmeeatcake - you have perfectly summed up the behaviour of this girl. My dd is flavour of the day but I know it won't last. I would like her to realise this by herself rather than me protecting her from it.

OP posts:

NeedABumChange · 07/01/2015 13:00

Are there other girls there? Or is it just the two of them?

Tbh at 11 I'd let dd decide if she want to go unless you have reservations about this girls parents.

Original poster

mrscraig · 07/01/2015 13:09

It is just the two of them. If there were more I would feel better about it.

OP posts:

SeasonsEatings · 07/01/2015 13:11

I would suggest the tea and not sleepover too, make up a reason why you need her home, maybe an early start on Saturday?

Then if over time this friendship does survive then a sleep over invite at yours might be a good way to test the water?

I think that you are right to be cautious tbh.

Pengyquin · 07/01/2015 13:14

"friend' must come to your house first for tea - and you watch and observe how they are together.

I went to an all girls school. There were a number of girls who were particularly nasty to me at times..and then a couple of terms later we were friends. I never especially trusted them, but they weren't the kind of nutters who would have actually done anything! So I'd have been safe on a sleepover.

However, in this day and age, no way! Her safety is your responsibility. She probably wants to go because she will then be 'in' with this girl. I think she needs a genuine excuse as to why she can't - think of something!!! (rather than saying no )

highlighta · 07/01/2015 13:21

If it is just the two of them I wouldn't allow her to go either. They could just spend the day together and you fetch your dd later on in the day.

I would be very wary OP. There are some class A little brats in dd's year, (she is 12) and she has not been to any of their sleepovers that she was invited to. Dd says she was only invited as the superbrat girl had a fallout with another friend. Dd reckons she has to have a set amount of friends at any one time, and if there is a fallout, then dd gets an invite to bump up the numbers again .

Topseyt · 07/01/2015 13:36

11 is such a difficult age for this sort of thing. They have recently started secondary school, which is a whole different ball game to primary school. At primary school you were more than likely doing a lot of taking and collecting, at least to begin with, so you encountered most other parents/carers in the playground and had some idea whether or not you were happy with them.

That doesn't happen at secondary school, as the children are of an age where they would rather extract their own teeth than be taken to school by a parent regularly. The way I have managed it is normally to ask my children to obtain the phone numbers of the other child's parents for me, so that I can speak to them and at least get some sort of "vibe" if you like.

I think you are right to be wary though, given the backdrop of the bullying. This girl has already shown her true colours. Perhaps your daughter is desperate to be seen as part of the "in crowd" as someone suggested above and perhaps thinks that she is protecting herself that way. She may just be playing right into the hands of this girl though, and boosting her sense of power (for now). 11 year olds are often still a bit too immature to understand that properly, and it is all about fitting in. No harm in trying to explain it, but sometimes experience is the only teacher they understand for a time, sadly. Explain your concerns, advise, if you need to say no to the sleepover then do so. In the end though, you can't put an older head on young shoulders, so sometimes you have to just be there when it all goes tits up.

I would agree that your daughter going over for tea sounds like the best compromise, or perhaps extending that to her also spending the afternoon there. Come up with some reason you will need her home. Early start the next day or something - any old yarn will do. It will allow you to sort of suss out the situation.

marne2 · 07/01/2015 13:40

If she wants to go then I would let her ( even though I would worry ), has she got a mobile so she can phone you if she needs too?

I know girls can be so bitchy, dd has a few friends like this who are nice to her one minute and then as mean as hell the next.

Original poster

mrscraig · 07/01/2015 13:49

Dd has called me persistently from school at lunch. Along with lots of text messages about his she hates me and how cruel I am. Now the girl in question won't speak to her because I've 'ruined her birthday'. Making an excuse doesn't seem to be an option because dd told this girl she could go.
This age is so hard, I think how she has behaved means if I say yes now, I'm making a rod for my own back.

OP posts:

Original poster

mrscraig · 07/01/2015 13:49

Sorry for lots of typos

OP posts:

Topseyt · 07/01/2015 13:57

Say no then. It does sound as if the girl in question is yet again showing her true colours by refusing to speak to your daughter. In those circumstances I would be uncomfortable with it too.

There is a lesson in here for your daughter too. A hard one. She shouldn't say yes to any invitation before checking with her parents first. She will still be reliant on you to provide the free taxi service and drive her places for some years yet, whether she likes it or not. If you aren't happy, don't agree to it.

Ifyourawizardwhydouwearglasses · 07/01/2015 13:57

I would have said yes, and sent her with her mobile.

I think they need to make their own mistakes, and that if you forbid it you will look like the 'bad one.'

If she has a good time - great.

If she doesn't - lesson learned, move on.

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