To not want my 11yr old dd go on a sleepover

[mrscraig]

My 11yr old dd is in her first year at secondary school and has been invited to a sleepover on Friday night.

My daughter has really struggled to settle into her new school and I would still say she isn't 'happy'. One of the reasons is that she's had one girl in particular being unkind - nasty comments, excluding her from the group and even a slap on the face. These problems were ironed out, after I contacted her head of year, and my dd and this girl are now friends. Well, at the moment anyway.

Now this girl had invited my dd for a sleepover at her house. I have never met this girl or her mum so feel very reluctant to let her go. On the one hand I don't want to exclude her from opportunities to develop friendships and have fun but on the other hand I don't want her being at a strange house, with a girl who has upset her so much in the past that she's begged me to change school.
Help!

My Mum stopped me hanging out with a similar girl OP and it was the right thing to do. Obviously I thought the world had ended at this point but I got over it.

I've done this too.

For my eldest dd, ditching these (manipulative, dishonest and bullying) girls, left space for her to create proper, positive friendships, with other decent, kind people. She's found and kept some wonderful, true friends!

A couple of months after ridding herself of these people, she found herself able to stand up to them on the behalf of a younger girl, when she witnessed them actively bullying her. Considering the misery, confusion and the knocks to her confidence she'd experienced at their hands, I couldn't have been more proud.

Throwing dc to the wolves isn't the only way for them to learn life and people skills. I'm more inclined toward supportive guidance.

I'm glad you've found a happy compromise, mrscraig

If it's Queen Bee's birthday sleepover; why are there only the two of them? Sounds a bit odd...

for future reference it goes roughly

child 1 and child 2- we want a sleep over

child 1- lets have it at my house

child 2- my mum might say no

child 1 my mum might say no

child 1- tell your mum you have already agreed and my mum has said ok

child 2- to mum- i have already said and you will ruin my life if you say no.

child 1- to mum- child 2 can come, is available and their mum has said yes- if you say no now i will look stupid and you will ruin my life

Having survived teenage daughters, make it clear from day 1 that everything your daughter asks about sleepovers, parties and get togethers will be checked with other parents.Its suprising how much of this stuff just disappears!

Absolutely not!

Three is a very awkward number where teenage girls are concerned. Especially given this girls previous behaviour.

I was your daughter at high school, I empathise deeply with her.

Thank you for the tips. Will definitely be back!

greenfolder Actually I think it goes something more like this.

Girl 1: Can you sleep over?
Girl 2: Yeah!

or

Girl 1: Can I sleep over at your house?
Girl 2: Yeah!

Then repeat life ruining melodrama.

My friends would just tell each other yes before asking and then claim that they already said they could come over.

"I would not let my 11 yo attend sleepovers unless I knew the parents. You know nothing of the environment and at 11 your dd is too young to make judgements outside of her comfort zone."

So no sleepovers in secondary school, then?

No. No sleepovers at houses where you don'tt know the parents whilst your child is still, em, a child.

Plenty of time for that once they reach mid to late teens. Op's dd is 11.

I am suprised at people saying they wouldn't let their kids go on sleepovers at 11 if they didn't know the parents.

At secondary school you very often don't know the parents. My girls have often gone to parties and sleepovers when I have not known the parents (but poss shared the odd text and know other kids on the sleepover).

But I do take the point - it's hard to let go and feel you are keeping them safe I know.

I would personally let her go and talk to her about it all beforehand honestly. About having confidence in herself, being herself and reminding her if it all goes tits up it's not HER fault, it's this other girls etc.

I think she will feel very left out if she doesn't go.

She needs to learn to negotiate tricky situations and people - this girl sounds poisonous but there are ALWAYS and always have been people like this at schools. ALWAYS. We all remember them - the answer is not to swerve a whole group of friends because of them but to learn how to make and keep friends despite these people and be strong. It's very hard but important.

OP you have my sympathies, it's so hard all this isn't it?? (3 teen dds myself!!!).

Ring and meet the parents first.

If they seem fine, say yes but make it clear your dd can phone you at any point to be picked up early.

Harsh as it is, this is one area where people need to learn to make their own decisions.

Im pretty much of the mind that sleepovers are for established friendships, not new ones. I want dd to have at least been for tea (and vice versa) and met the parents (even just at handover) to then allow sleepovers at either house.

YANBU even without the history to have wanted to meet the girl or her parents prior.

That's a good point. Sleepovers are usually a way up the 'being friends' hierarchy, definitely after going to each others homes to play/have tea, meeting in the park after school etc.

I wonder if all of those saying they would never allow sleepovers for children of this age are ones whose children have not yet transferred from primary to secondary school??

It really is impossible to know the parents of every secondary school child your own counts amongst their friends. The group of "friends" can also be an ever changing dynamic.

I was uncomfortable at first with the idea that I would not know the parents, but I'm afraid it is unavoidable. I still insist on being able to speak to a parent first and exchange the odd text. You can suss out a fair bit that way if you ask the right things. That is often the best that can be done.

I have three daughters, one at uni now and two at secondary school. The only one I ever had any problem with was my middle daughter. She is very easily led. She was in year 7 and it was her birthday. She wanted to invite a girl from her new form to go ten pin bowling with us. Fine, as my husband and I were going to be with her for the party so it would be well controlled.

We went to pick up the girl by car at the appointed time, but when we got to her house I immediately sensed that this was not a connection we would be comfortable with. Anyway, the girl was not at home despite knowing we would be calling and having said she would be there. Her feckless mum told me that I would possibly find her in one of several parks in the town, but that she didn't know where she was. That was apparently that, and it irked me because it seemed so rude. I did not go and look. We went bowling without her. I am glad we did because she turned out to be one of the recognised troublemakers as my daughter progressed through the school, and rather a bully too.

Exactly topseyt. You were happy for her daughter to invite her new friend as you and your husband were going to be with her for the party so it would be "well controlled.:

That's not exactly the same as letting her go to a sleepover with someone whose parents you've never met and who has bullied her in the recent past, is it?

I wonder if all of those saying they would never allow sleepovers for children of this age are ones whose children have not yet transferred from primary to secondary school??

The one of mine i referred to is secondary age. It's quite normal, where I live, for parents to make contact with each other both when their children get on and equally, when there's an issue. The teens have no issue with us communicating. (Maybe because we all do it?). No-one I've come across in RL, minds anyone else ensuring the safety and wellbeing of their own teenaged DC. Maybe we're fortunate but I wherever we lived, I'd have similar boundaries and expectations.

Sorry, I had meant to c&p this too!
It really is impossible to know the parents of every secondary school child your own counts amongst their friends. The group of "friends" can also be an ever changing dynamic.

I cannot believe how over protective most of the posters on here are. Girls of this age "fall in and out" with each other - it's just the usual part of the friendship groups.

Seems like the OP has found a compromise (haven't read all the posts) I just got frustrated. You can't wrap children in cotton wool - if you're worried about sleep overs, drop them off (then you can check the house) and the parent(s) when the open the door. My DGD went to lots of sleep overs in her first term at sec school and we were delighted as she went to a different sec school from her friends from primary, and it meant that she was making friends and fitting in with girls who had been together at primary school.

You have to teach your kids to be "fit for the road" not try to make the "road fit for kids"

This is a difficult situation. My daughter is 11 also and not really the centre of the crowd either. I understand your fears for this situation fully.

I think regardless of the back story here, you should always check out a family before allowing your child to spend the night.

At this stage of parenting I think we're partly intervening and partly starting to let our children find their own way. It's tough because it's hard to start to let go.

With regards to this situation, I would definitely have the girl to tea first - although she's hardly going to show a nasty side is she?! But you will probably get a feel for her.

Following this though, if you are happy, then I may be inclined to let your daughter go to the sleep over (although I would be more wary if there were others going as then girl groups can get bitchy etc.). I think it will build her confidence, especially as she wants to go so much. She can always phone you.

If you have your doubts about this girl though once you've met her, then it is a case for intervening as your daughter is too young to realise just how horrid a night stuck with a malicious child would be.

I cannot believe how over protective most of the posters on here are. Girls of this age "fall in and out" with each other - it's just the usual part of the friendship groups.

Encouraging our DC to seek balanced, healthy friendships over turbulent, negative ones is hardly being overprotective.

Maybe if more young ladies were encouraged to set the bar higher, to identify and avoid manipulators and bullies and to identify and disengage from negative influences, there would be less abused women in this world.

You have to teach your kids to be "fit for the road" not try to make the "road fit for kids"

I'd rather raise individuals who are confident in seeking a positive path through life.

Amantes, I DID actually say we make contact. That is why I ask for phone numbers etc.

The point still stands though that it is not possible to fully "know" the families of all of the dozens of children they will come across at secondary school.

The issue of this girl very recently bullying- to the point of physical violence - OP's dd is getting a bit lost here.

It's not a random school friend who her dd has suddenly becomes BFFs with - it's a girl who OP's dd only met a few months ago and in that time has socially isolated her and hit her.

OP has never met their girl or her parents, although has resolved issues re bullying at school for the moment.

Are people seriously saying that it's 'over-protective' to be very cautious about letting your 11 year old be in this girl's house (both unknown to the OP) for many hours overnight?

I think Amantes makes very good points. Any adult with a secure sense of self-respect wouldn't put themselves in a vulnerable situation with someone who had bullied them recently, so why on earth would a parent let their child do this?

Seriously, Nana?

Wanting to protect your child from unnecessary contact with someone who has recently bullied them and you don't know is 'wrapping them in cotton wood'?

No way on earth I would let my DD go to a sleepover with a recently reformed bully that had actually slapped her - but I would be very encouraged at the sensible response from the mother of the other girl. Was she aware of her daughters shocking behavior? If so, and she is bought into the process of improving that, then a slow burn, building up to a sleepover is a good move.