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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want my 11yr old dd go on a sleepover

74 replies

mrscraig · 07/01/2015 11:43

My 11yr old dd is in her first year at secondary school and has been invited to a sleepover on Friday night.

My daughter has really struggled to settle into her new school and I would still say she isn't 'happy'. One of the reasons is that she's had one girl in particular being unkind - nasty comments, excluding her from the group and even a slap on the face. These problems were ironed out, after I contacted her head of year, and my dd and this girl are now friends. Well, at the moment anyway.

Now this girl had invited my dd for a sleepover at her house. I have never met this girl or her mum so feel very reluctant to let her go. On the one hand I don't want to exclude her from opportunities to develop friendships and have fun but on the other hand I don't want her being at a strange house, with a girl who has upset her so much in the past that she's begged me to change school.
Help!

OP posts:

Ifyourawizardwhydouwearglasses · 07/01/2015 13:58

Sorry cross post.

highlighta · 07/01/2015 14:02

So your dd told her that she didn't think she could sleep over, so now the "friend" isn't talking to her anymore? Your daughter isn't doing what she wants her to so they are no longer friends?

I do however, think that Ifyour makes a good point...

marne2 · 07/01/2015 14:11

I agree, sometimes you have to let them make their own mistakes to learn, I would let her go, if it goes pair shape then maybe she will listen to you next time ( or maybe not ).

Original poster

mrscraig · 07/01/2015 14:15

Thing is, even without their history, I'm not sure I would be happy with her going on a sleepover where I have never met the girl/family or been to their home.
I know children always say 'everyone else does', but is this really case where sleepovers are concerned?

OP posts:

marne2 · 07/01/2015 14:20

Could you say 'yes, you can go but the child's parent needs to phone you first to check everything's ok'? I do understand what you mean, I would feel the same but as they get older they need to make a few choices for themselves, these chooses won't always be the right choices.

VanitasVanitatum · 07/01/2015 14:21

If you say no might it restart the trouble for your DD?

Obviously the ideal would be for DD not to be involved with this girl at all but I don't think you can force that.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 07/01/2015 14:25

I think that the history here means you have made the right decision on this occasion, but to address your last post, yes - she's at secondary school now and things are very, very different. She will likely go through secondary school and have friends whose parents you will never meet - it's a whole different ball game now. They have to get on with it themselves.

That doesn't mean you shouldn't have your own rules and that you can't say no to sleepovers, but you do have to realise the rules have changed and that you're dd may be one of a very few children whose parents insist on meeting other parents.

My own DM wouldn't be able to pick any of my secondary school pals' folks out of a line up!

MrsTawdry · 07/01/2015 14:26

My Mum stopped me hanging out with a similar girl OP and it was the right thing to do. Obviously I thought the world had ended at this point but I got over it.x

stealthsquiggle · 07/01/2015 14:29

Your DD has well and truly backed herself into a corner now. As you say, now she's thrown a strop you can't really back down. If she calms down, and has a phone number for them, then I still think talking to the mother and suggesting tea ( at your house or theirs) would be the only compromise I would be happy with.

Nevergrowingup · 07/01/2015 14:35

For an 11 year old, its your decision. My DSc are a little older now, but I have always stuck to my instincts and have done what is best for them, not for anyone else's child.

For a sleepover, I would have to know the parent (s), feel comfortable that the girls had spent loads of free time together and have been to the house. Maybe I'm OTT, but it worked for me. Your children, your rules.

I also feel that having had such a difficult time with this girl, its perhaps early days for your DD to be having a sleepover. Sounds almost manipulative to set the bar high for the first meet up. Why not come home after school and have some tea then see how it shapes up after that?

Topseyt · 07/01/2015 14:45

In secondary schools it can certainly be the case that your children go on visits to friends whose parents you haven't met, and may never meet.

Children at secondary schools often come on buses from miles around. Your child meets plenty of new people, as you would want them to. However, it won't be practical for you always to meet and get to know the parents before any of this happens. Secondary schools often have around 1,500 students, or more. Granted some are siblings, but that is still a lot of parents.

You do have to start slowly letting to a bit, within reason. It is normal. The days when you could approach the other mums in the school playground are gone now. Most parents I know rarely take their children to secondary school. Mine go by bus. On the odd occasion I have had to drive one of them in at a different time I don't even get out of the car unless I am required for some reason. In fact, once each of my children got to secondary school they simply didn't want me hanging around them anymore, and would very likely have disowned me if I had tried.

These are the reasons why I and other parents I have come across do like to get our children to pass on our mobile or landline numbers. We speak if we can before saying yes/no to an event.

Original poster

mrscraig · 07/01/2015 14:54

Thank you for your responses.
I have told dd, from the outset, that I would talk to the mum but a sleepover was a step too far.
I understand the rules change in secondary school and she does have a good amount of freedom- she gets bus to school, visits the local shopping centre on the bus with friends etc
But the thought if her just going to an unknown house with unknown people just doesn't sit right. I wouldn't just handover my car keys to a stranger and say 'look after this' so why give them responsibility for my dd?

OP posts:

Hakluyt · 07/01/2015 15:05

I think you can change your mind, even if your dd has had a strop, if you manage to talk about it calmly and she is sensible about it- I donmt think it does any harm to show them you can be flexible. But I can see why you wouldn't want her to go. However,ni think if I were you I would let her-the worst thwt can happen is that she has a miserable time. I would ring the mother and say thwt your DS has had some trouble settling in (without being specific) and could she keep an eye.

Osm thing thwt might be useful another time- my Ds used to long to go on sleepovers but couldn't bring herself to go- she was terrified of sleeping away from home until she was quite old. So if it was somebody she didn't know well, we used to say that we had an early start the next morning, so she went for the film and the pizza and all the rest and I used to pick her up at midnight. If it was good friends they understood her, and she used to ring at bedtime to be picked up.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 07/01/2015 15:40

why give them responsibility for my dd?

Well you're not, not really. It's more giving DD responsibility for herself, imo.

Original poster

mrscraig · 07/01/2015 15:48

I see that. I realised when I re read it that it seems like I am treating her as a possession. I didn't mean it like that, I just wanted to raise the point that perhaps just sending your child to an unknown house for the whole night is too great a risk.
Oh and just found out the sleepover is the girls birthday - so now I've ruined her birthday too.

OP posts:

bittentobits · 07/01/2015 16:10

As a parent to two girls age 9/15 ..i know how hard it is to even think about liking a child who has been a bit mean to our cherubs. Its part of growing up and maybe teaches them that people can forgive?? Doesnt excuse the fact yr dd was made unhappy..and that would stick in my throat. BUT..is she happy to go..does she seem very keen to go. Under the circumstances..i would be tempted to invite the child for tea...arrange for her parents to pick her up at at chosen time and when she goes home you go out and discuss the sleepover. Im sure its kids being kids and her parents are oblivious. You would hope. But you will get a better feeling after speaking to parents and actually meeting the girl. Then if you decide you really dont fancy the thought of it for whatever reason,then come up with an excuse as to why yr daughter cant make the sleepover. Shes too nervous not quite ready yet or something like that. I think multiple kids on a sleepover can be more likely to have problems though so if its just the two of them this other girl is probably less likely to pick on yr daughter. Thats from experience...weve had many sleepovers in this house..7 at at time often..and you can bet yr bottom dollar there is tears from one of them at some point lol. If yr daughter decides she want s to go....and yr comfortable with it..let her..give her a mobile phone so she can contact you if needs be. Ive collected my girls in early hours..bad tummys...cant sleep etc...great fun lol. But you def need to meet this kid i would say and go with yr gut instinct and yr dd needs and wants. Hope it goes well!

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 07/01/2015 16:14

Oh dear - I hope you didn't miss the part where I said I thought you were completely right to say no to this one? She sounds a bit manipulative...

amidaiwish · 07/01/2015 16:24

DD is yr6 and does a fair few sleepovers.
no way would she be going to stay in a house where i didn't know a) who was going to be there and b) had met at least one parent. You haven't even met the girl?!
tell DD that is why. no other reason. that is not unreasonable.

SaucyMare · 07/01/2015 16:25

my first thought was ffs she is 11 you have to let go sometime.
But this is the perfect time for the bullying to start again in very horrible circumstances.
I wouldn't let her go. Invite her for a sleepover at your house next weekend, then you can chuck her out if it goes horribly nasty.

Bulbasaur · 07/01/2015 16:50

DH has a friend that didn't start out on the right foot around the same age. He kept slamming him into lockers, trying to lock him in them, generally bullying the poor kid. Parents made him spend the night at his house, they played video games all night, and he was part of our wedding party because they've been best friends ever since.

But that worked because both parents were in the loop and in agreement with getting this solved. I wouldn't just be tossing your daughter to the mercy of a child who was previously nasty without knowing her parents were aware of the situation and going to be keeping an eye on it. Personally, it would be better for mean kid to come to your place on your territory so she's less likely to act out or treat DD badly.

In the mean time, I'd stick with no. There's a lot that could happen, and nasty kids at that age typically come from dysfunctional homes. I'm not sure I'd want my DD in that sort of environment.

If this helps strengthen your resolve, I went to a friend's sleep over that my parents didn't know and the father got in a domestic dispute with the mother, screamed at her, and threw the TV across the room. I was shocked and terrified, my friend completely unphased by it, said he was just upset and we should put on makeup. Most awkward sleep over ever.

Original poster

mrscraig · 07/01/2015 16:59

Thank you all. I've had a good chat with her tonight and I think she gets it. The mum of the girl responded to my text and was very understanding and said her daughter had been piling on the pressure to ask but she'd warned her the answer would probably be no. My dd is going to dinner there and then she is coming back to ours next week, so hopefully this will resolve itself naturally.
I really appreciate the replies. This is all new to both of us and it really helps to canvas opinion and know that, in actual fact, I'm not the 'only mum who says no'!

OP posts:

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 07/01/2015 17:08

Well, in general I would let an 11 yo go on a sleepover, even without meeting the parents beyond a quick 'Hi, nice to meet you' at the drop-off. I'd have sent DD with a mobile and told her I'd come to get her if there were any problems whatsoever.

However, in these circumstances I would be a bit wary! I would probably still have let her go, with the mobile, but maybe with a bit of a chat about what is and what isn't acceptable behaviour - ie, if the other girl started blanking her, then to phone me, not beg the girl to forgive her, etc etc.

BUT now that the girl is already refusing to speak to your DD then I would say no way, Jose. That is not on. I would tell her straight out that her 'friend' sounded like a nasty piece of work.

notnaice · 07/01/2015 17:15

If she does go, give her a secret word or phrase to let you know that she wants you to pick her up, without embarrassing herself.

stealthsquiggle · 07/01/2015 18:28

Sounds like friends mother is on the same page as you, OP. I hope dinner and return visit go well.

Crockershite · 07/01/2015 19:01

I would not let my 11 yo attend sleepovers unless I knew the parents. You know nothing of the environment and at 11 your dd is too young to make judgements outside of her comfort zone.

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