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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re: child maintenance and bonus

91 replies

maintenancequestion · 07/01/2015 11:19

Posting on behalf of DP.

DP and his ex agreed he would overpay monthly child maintenance and he would keep his bonus (if he got one). Ex liked this as it was less risky for her and she could plan better. She since found out (through his family) that he got a big bonus and wants a cut of that too. He thinks if she would have gone down the standard CM route and then took a cut of his bonus in the first place then it would have worked out better for her. My suggestion is to pay her the difference and then from now pay her standard child maintenance as calculated online, plus a percentage of any bonus he gets. Question is - what should the %age of the bonus be? We want it to be fair on all parties.

In addition she has said she will go to CSA which we have no issue but will either party have to pay any fee for this service?

If she does go through CSA I assume that when we move in they will automatically tell him to pay less as I have a son who would live with us. (whereas if we did a private arrangement he would likely just pay her the same regardless of living with me and my son.)

Thanks

OP posts:
jimmycrackcornbutidontcare · 07/01/2015 19:27

Why would anyone want to give less money to their existing child so they could move in with someone who had a child? Especially as you have worked hard to support your own DS as you point out. His first responsibility is to his child.

AngelDreams · 07/01/2015 19:30

they havent hidden it, the ex has a monthly amount which she is happy with, more than the 'entitled' amount based on H getting bonuses and incorporating them in to the payments

he is already paying over the odds (or what he needs to be) he gets a better bonus one year, but what happens when he doesnt get a bonus or a lower one? will her monthly rate come down? probably not

bitofanoddone · 07/01/2015 19:47

Your partner has kept the family home, which is interesting. He also is still currently married to her so it might all still be half hers. We also mix in circs of 6 figure salaries and the CSA amount is derisory really. If they were living together the children would get more than 20% spent on them.

I suspect his ex isn't a high flier and as such, you think she should be punished for her 'lifestyle choices'. I've seen it happen a few times.

This man is your lover. 'Marry well means will divorce nicely'. People who snip against giving extra to their own children are people to be avoided.

I may have it wrong but as a future stepmother you may want to improve your relationship with her.

At what stage in their divorce did you meet?

Eustasiavye · 07/01/2015 19:50

The case do take iNto account 'new' children. The nrp does not have to be the mother/ father. My ex did this and reduced the amount he paid towards our dcs.
You cannot claim against the new partners income.

So a nrp can pack their job in move in with someone who earns a lot of money and then stop contributing towards the financial upkeep of their own children. This happened to me.

Eustasiavye · 07/01/2015 19:51

That should read csa, not case.

simbacatlivesagain · 07/01/2015 19:57

How the ex money grabbing?!

I was suggesting the poster sounded money grabbing not the ex if that links to my comment.

simbacatlivesagain · 07/01/2015 19:59

if she's involved with him, then he and her are a we. I know it can feel horrible to think that ExP and OW or OM are busy deciding how you should spend your money, but they are a family now.

They don't live together. He is not divorced. Are they a family now?

DrCoconut · 07/01/2015 20:16

Controversial but if everything is as it sounds, I don't think the ex should get any of the bonus. If he over pays and is on 90k she is not exactly being left on the bread line. A fair arrangement that cares adequately for children is one thing but to keep coming back for a cut of everything the bloke (or woman if reversed) gets is just wrong. I knew a divorced couple whose intially amicable settlement became so bitter and angry because of this. if he'd found a quid on the street his ex would have been there demanding 20p of it. Am Shock that tax credits paid to a couple where one has children elsewhere can be taken away.

Quitelikely · 07/01/2015 20:35

Why not just try the online maintenance calculator or call the relevant department!

Cabrinha · 07/01/2015 22:44

No simbacat, I was picking up on drbonnie calling the XW moneygrabbing!

YonicSleighdriver · 07/01/2015 22:51

"Cross that bridge when we come to it" is a figure of speech, not an intention to muscle in on a parental decision!

x2boys · 08/01/2015 02:31

This I'd apparently correct dr coconut myself and my dh work he has always paid CSA we are not currentlu entitled to tax credits but when I give up work as our child has severe autism.and learning difficulties any tax credits received including disabillity ones will be taken into account .

UptheChimney · 08/01/2015 07:44

You do know that the CSA rates hardly cover a half of the real costs of raising a child? Why are you n& your DP cavilling about % of bonus? Why doesn't your DP man up and give his child half his bonus?

As a taxpayer, I'm sick of having to subsidise fathers who don't cover their half of the actual cost of raising a child. And as someone who was left as a lone parents of a 3 year old when my OH died suddenly, I know how much it costs to raise a child on your own -- and that was some time ago when it was cheaper.

Original poster
maintenancequestion · 08/01/2015 10:07

bitofanoddone - he doesn't want the family home but neither did she so he bought her a house which she wanted so she and the kids could have a fresh start (he ended the marriage.) We met before their divorce started but after they'd been separated several months.

His ex chose to half her hours when they split as she figured she'd end up "better off" by doing this. And she told him this.

Food for thought anyway. He wants to use his bonus to make sure his kids have a home and at the moment it's being used every month to prop up life as his outgoings are more than his incomings due to paying mortgage on big house and all the other outgoings of life.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 08/01/2015 10:52

No, my heart still isn't bleeding for him.
If neither of them wanted the family home, he should have sold it, then he wouldn't be paying too big a mortgage every week.
He could have taken the first few months after dumping his wife working this sort of thing out in his spare time, instead of chasing around looking for a new girlfriend Grin

Original poster
maintenancequestion · 08/01/2015 10:55

It's been on the market for 1.5 years.

He took the hit on staying in it as he wanted ex and kids to have a secure home they liked (rightly so).

My heart isn't bleeding for anyone. Just trying to do the right thing by everyone in the situation without being taken for a mug by his ex

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 08/01/2015 10:55

Tbh OP, I'll admit that you've got my heckles up with a bit of snippy ex bashing about lifestyle choices.
She might well be a lazy money grabbing cow, I don't know.
But I'm always a bit Hmm when people say negative things about a new partner's ex.

notauniquename · 08/01/2015 11:02

They don't live together. He is not divorced. Are they a family now?
Maybe no a family, but clearly still significant to eat other.

You do know that the CSA rates hardly cover a half of the real costs of raising a child? what are the real costs?
(and how do you reach that figure?) (maybe that's a better subject for a new thread)

notauniquename · 08/01/2015 11:05

*each other, they are significant to each other,

LaLyra · 08/01/2015 11:12

The CSA don't take the new partners income into account anymore as they don't take housing costs into account anymore (the partner's income was just expected to pay part of their joint housing costs, not actually pay towards income).

If you move in together they will take your child into account (which I don't particularly agree with - friend of mine's ex gets a reduction for his partners 3 children despite the fact their father pays full maintenance for them).

There are fees involved with the CSA now.

Also be aware if you make a consent order as part of the court and it is less than CSA then one year and one day after the order the other party can apply to the CSA and the order can be set aside.

As they are still married bonuses should probably come into the financial picture really.

gotthemoononastick · 08/01/2015 11:52

OP,what is really in all this for you? Careful of picking up a bag full of trouble!

There is a saying in Africa about the cabbage not worth the sauce.

CLJ52 · 08/01/2015 12:07

So he earns over 6 figures, and you earn more than him? And you are getting obsessed with what will be a few hundred pounds and ranting about "financing her lifestyle choices"? Reducing her working hours might be down to spending more time with children who are upset that daddy has left. We don't know.

It sounds like this ex is in a situation not of her choosing, with young children. It would be natural to be worried about finances - obviously incomings have been dramatically reduced.

Interesting that your boyfriend's family is still close to her - and that his family know about the bonus.

Original poster
maintenancequestion · 08/01/2015 15:40

yes CLJ52 - when me and my H split I took on more work to make sure I could provide for my son. I would love to be able to do a couple of days a week and spend more time with my son and have someone else pay for me making that choice.

Why is it interesting that his family know about his bonus. As I said upthread his sister asked how he could afford to take his kids away in school hols when everyone knows that he is skint due to the cost of running their old home and paying lots in maintenance. He told her he got a good bonus, she mentioned it to someone else and it got back to ex.

When I say his family are still close I mean one aunt (who's a bit like a second mum.) They have always been close and I don't see why that has to change now they're not together...

OP posts:
CLJ52 · 08/01/2015 16:21

yes CLJ52 - when me and my H split I took on more work to make sure I could provide for my son. I would love to be able to do a couple of days a week and spend more time with my son and have someone else pay for me making that choice.

Your boyfriend already has commitments to other children and some of his money is contributing to allowing them to have their mother more available. Can't your son's father contribute to his son to allow you to cut back on your hours?

Surely at these kinds of income levels, once you do live together, there will be sufficient cash in your joint household to allow you to cut back on hours?

Original poster
maintenancequestion · 08/01/2015 16:31

yes, once we live together I could cut back on my hours but I wouldn't plan to (probably a bit too independent to expect him to fund that!)

My Ex H wouldn't contribute more so I could be at home more - why should he? Sure he'd like to be at home more! Why should he pay for me to do that? Am I missing something?!

OP posts: